Trust= Triumph

Hey everyone!
I've gone a whole week without a binge/purge!!!
I have had to put every ounce of trust in the Lord this week. It's also taken tremendous faith to stick with the food plan and believe I wouldn't turn into the flab monster.
My mom and I had a blast over the weekend. Going out to eat was a huge test, and has always made me uncomfortable. But I was able to order sushi without freaking out!
The best thing was...I ENJOYED IT! I prayed earlier that the Lord would take away any feelings of guilt and fear about what I was feeding my body.
I am sooo blessed to have a nutritionist who I can trust to get me to a healthy place. Mary's support has been such a humongous gift!
I weighed in at her office yesterday, and to my surprise, I didn't gain any weight. CRAZY!!!
Even with all the carbs in the food plan, I was still just maintaining my weight.

In trusting that God designed my body to handle healthy amounts of food, this week has been panic-free. I still had my doubts at times, and my fair share of insecurities, but this week has really been an encouragement.

OHHH! And my Grandma will be happy to hear that I put on a few lbs while she was away in Europe. She's getting back tonight!!!!

Heart Doctor

This past week has been quite the roller-coaster ride.
Tuesday started with a 3:00 am binge that went on until 7:00 at night.
I was miserable throughout the whole stupid thing. In fact, I broke down emotionally and took at double dose of cold medicine to knock myself out. I told my mom that I was tired of living, so I went into a drug-induced slumber, hoping I would be able to stop eating when I awoke.
It only got worse.
I threw a total tantrum when my mom made me hand over the jar of peanut butter I had found the night before. She said she would be happy to make me a peanut butter sandwich, but refused to let me eat the whole jar. My dad came in the kitchen and offered to make us both PB&H sandwiches. My dad and I ate together while watching the evening news, and the urge to continue to binge subsided. After a nice workout, I finally collected my wits, and returned to my structured eating plan for the rest of the week.

I met with Mary, my nutritionist/fitness coach, on Wednesday. We went over strategies to keep me from binging late at night- from painting my nails, to climbing in bed with my mom; anything to distract me from thoughts of food, food and more food.
Later that day, I met with my therapist, Judy. We dove into the past as we poured over old photo albums of me and my family. She was intrigued with how I was able to tell when I was happy in a photo. "I can see it in my eyes, and in my face," I told her. We also talked about different levels of self control when it came to binging and purging. She asked me to rate my self control on a scale of one to ten- one being totally in control of my actions and behaviors, and ten not being able to stop a binge. I told her it seemed that I was always either at a one, or suddenly at a ten; there was no in between. Judy explained that, though it may seem like a sudden snap may occur, I should be able to stop and think for a moment. This would give me a chance to rate my self control, and bring it back down to one. She also asked me to be aware of my thoughts during those in between times of one and ten.
A five would be the stage where I start to plan a time to binge. If I can be aware of those thoughts, I may be able to scale down towards a one before I head towards a six or seven (at this stage, I would be stashing the binge food).

After my counseling session, my mom and I had a nice chunk of time alone in the car together. I reflected on a talk I had on Sunday with a healed anorexic named Karen. Karen was happy to share a bit of her journey and some of the tools she used in her recovery. She drew me a diagram of a heart with blanks on the inside, then drew a circle around it. "If we had a heart doctor open us up, he would be able to fill these blanks with hurts and pains. What we tend to do is cover them up with something we can control- our weight, what we eat, how we exercise. That's what the circle represents," she explained. "Now, we can't go digging these hurts up with a shovel; we have to let God bring them to the surface. That is when we can deal with these issues. Let God be the heart doctor."
Earlier Wednesday morning, I had prayed that God would reveal something that had hurt me. I tried and tried to think of it on my own, but after my talk with Karen, I knew that the Lord would bring it up at just the right moment.
And He did!
As my mom and I sat in the car, I finally told her about events that took place back when I was going to private school. My mind had always pushed these events aside, and I hadn't realized how much it all affected me. The thought of sharing with my parents about how I had been harassed sexually had always made me uncomfortable. But after releasing what I had kept inside for so long, I suddenly felt lighter. Later that night, my parents and I prayed together, and I was able to forgive several guys for the way they treated me. The Lord lifted that burden from my heart- it had gotten way to heavy after over a year.

I still have more "heart blanks" to fill in, but I know God can reveal those pains and hurts to me if I am willing to trust him.
He is my heart doctor.

Another Binge...Another Lesson Learned

I fell back into my deep, dark hole this week. After having several victories, my old behaviors and patterns came back in full force. I'm guessing that the part of me that is so attached to my disorder recognized that I was improving, and therefore tried it's best to sabotage my chances for success.
Tuesday started out great, with both my emotions and my eating behaviors in a positive state. Later that day, my mom left to run some errands with my brother. I hadn't been planning a binge earlier that day, but I suddenly felt an overwhelming compulsion to binge and purge. I'm still trying to investigate what caused that snap in my brain...cravings, feeling insecure and vulnerable; it could be a number of things.
Anyway, I scoured the house for any trace of peanut butter like a ravenous lion on the prowl. I downed half a jar in about two seconds, but was left disappointed when there was no more left. When I tried to purge, absolutely nothing would come up, no matter how hard I tried. I panicked and reverted to my second (and more painful) purging method: laxatives.
I had promised my mom, my grandma, and my aunt that I would stop buying them in secret, yet in my desperation, I went against my word. Even after reading an article on all the harmful effects of laxative abuse, I convinced myself that it would all be worth it, and nothing could be worse than gaining weight.
I had never felt more desperate for something in my entire life. This feeling shot through me like adrenaline as I took off running for the pharmacy two miles down the road. I used the last of my spending money to purchase a box of chocolate flavored laxatives, and went next door to buy more binge food. I was running out of time, and had only a dollar left, so I ran at top speed without the peanut butter I was also planning to buy.
The next three days are a big blur of food, food, and more food, running to the bathroom, sneaking around, and decieving my family members and friends. I neglected my studies and all my responseabilities as I became Rachelle the Binge Monster. I numbed myself to the message of my wednesday night youth class, though I knew deep down that God was aiming this message directly towards me. I tuned out everything that had to do with temptation; I had my mind made up, and my binge food safely stowed away in my purse- I was giving in to my destructive desires, even when I knew it would lead to despair. I couldn't let go of my false source of comfort and security that binging that purging brought me.
With at least eight doses of laxatives running through my system, the pain grew more and more severe. It felt like a hot iron was branding my lower abdomin from the inside out. I wanted to scream, I wanted to stop, I wanted out, I WANTED TO BE FREE!
.....yet I could not let go of my bulimia; something inside me still loved this disease.
I got up before the crack of dawn Thursaday morning, even after spending most of the night in the bathroom. I grabbed more food to supplement my hidden stash of stolen food from the previous day. Time flew by as the food slowly began to disapear, and I was left dissatisfied, though my belly was stuffed. I finally realized that I needed to get ready to go take my grandma to the airport. She was leaving for Europe later that day, and I couldn't let her see me in this state.
With only an hour left until she arrived, I reluctantly set down my spoonful of frosted mini wheats, and decided to ask for help. If I couldn't stop myself, then maybe my mom could.
My belly was bloated, my hair was disheveled, and my make up was smeared as I trudged up the stairs to my parents room.
"You have to make me stop! I can't stop on my own!"
I sobbed as my mom discarded the last remnants of my binge food. Part of me was releaved, and part of me still wanted the food.
My bathroom reeked of everything that encompassed Bulimia; I was ashamed.

I was somehow able to move on after that. As I cleansed myself in the shower, I asked God to cleanse my mind and my heart.

As my mom, my grandma, and I made our way to the airport, I sat in the back seat and read Starved- a Christian book on freedom from eating disorders. This book is filled with truth and scripture that counteract negative thoughts. I've read Starved twice through, and it really helps in the renewing of my mind.
I broke down as I escorted my grandma to her airline. We prayed a short prayer, and I promised to make some improvement by the time she got back.

Friday was my epiphany day.
The laxatives were finally done running through my intestines (I had taken my last dose thursday afternoon), and my binge bloat was starting to go down.
My first appointment was with my doctor. I was shocked to see that I had gained quite a bit of weight since last week...the Doc was happy.
I saw Mary, my nutritionist/fittness coach, next.
I weighed in, and almost hoped to see a lower number than I had at the doctor's office; it was the same.
I couldn't believe I had put on weight after purging so vigorously.
Well, Mary was pleased, even if I wasn't. She gave me a few new exercises, and a great big hug before the end of our session. In the middle of our imbrace, she said, "You know, I have never seen an underweight bulimic. I've worked with several of them, and they were all heavy."
Again, I was shocked.
Mary explained to me that bulimia doesn't work. BULIMIA IS A LIE!
Though it may seem like purging gets rid of the food, our bodies actually absorb the nutrients it needs as soon as the food enters us, even through our saliva!
The laxatives didn't stop the fat from being absorbed, nor did they eliminate any of the calories I had consumed. What was being purged wasn't really my binge food, but the waste and other minerals from that food.
The same goes for vomiting; only a small percentage of the food is able to make its way up, and even then, the body has already started to absorb what it needs from that food.
So...what I thought was working for me for so long.... was really an illusion.
My calorie restriction was the real reason I was (and still am) so underweight.
That explains why after three solid days of binging and purging, I gained quite a few pounds. Sure, some of it may be water weight, but that is the only thing laxatives can remove- not calories.

All I can say is: HOLY CRAP! I CAN'T BELIEVE I FELL FOR THAT STUPID LIE!

Ok, so I've been doing well since Friday. My mom and I are working together as far as sticking to the food plan goes. Binges seem much less appealing after learning that all those calories can't really be removed from the body like I thought they could.
I'm also trying new kinds of foods- foods that normal people eat, non-diet foods.
My mom and I split a mocha at Starbucks, with whipped cream!

Today was a special day!!! My family went up to San Francisco for the day to celebrate my 18th birthday. (it's on Monday!) I ate what I wanted in sensible portions, and was totally satisfied. This included ribs at the Rainforest Cafe, a tall americano at Starbucks, and a dark chocolate sunday at Ghirardelli square.
I am so happy that the Lord was able to help me enjoy my day of celebration. God totally blessed my family with this great opportunity to have a mini-vacation, and I wasn't about to let a stupid eating disorder ruin our fun.
I did feel vulnerable and afraid after eating things I wasn't used to, and also had thoughts about purging; but these thoughts were soon thrown away after refocusing my mind, and dwelling on God's love for me.

Oh great news! My Christmas present got delivered yesterday.
It's a proform elliptical trainer (kinda like a treadmill and a bike combined).
I feel like I won't freak out so much about all the food Mary is having me eat if I'm able to exercise with ease. This is another step in a healthy direction! I'm renovating the back room into my workout room; that means no more freezing to death in the garage, and no more shin-splints from my dad's treadmill.

Though this week has had it's trials, the Lord has given me hope.

A Wacky Weekend

Hey everyone!
So as you know, I'm trying to "normalize" my eating habits. I've been seeing an amazing nutritionist, Mary, who has been a huge support and a crucial part of my recovery. Mary has me use a structured eating method where I eat more often, leaving me feeling satisfied and less compelled to binge. Her food plan has really helped in terms of feeling deprived and lost in my world of dieting. Each week, Mary either adds a new snack or more food to each meal.
Her goal for me is to have me put on weight without freaking me out with huge amounts of food. There are times that I do freak out over a cheese stick, or purge after I've consumed a tablespoon of olive oil. But little by little, I'm retraining my brain to say,"Rachelle, those calories need to nourish your body," not, "Ahhhhhhh, Rachelle, you need to get rid of those calories before they turn into fat! Burn them off, or purge them before it's too late!" (yeah, that's me in my panic mode).

I had two panic mode instances this weekend, mainly because I strayed from the food plan. I had a "bag of cereal binge" Friday night. I was reading about emotional eating in a book I had checked out from the library; I'm guessing that was the trigger. Instead of discouraging me from emotional eating, the book sparked my old desires and habits. I wasn't hungry, but the idea of eating all I wanted without anyone knowing sounded appealing. After I had polished off the last of the cereal, the guilt and the panic set in, and I gave in to the compulsion to purge.
I couldn't keep what had happened a secret, so I let my mom know.
We both prayed that the guilt I was feeling wouldn't hold me down like it normally would.
My mind raced that night, replaying events that had caused so much guilt and remorse. I was soooooo tempted to rip open the freezer, grab a carton of ice cream, and eat all my troubles away. (sure, that would work)
It was 5:00 am, and my mom was leaving to go running with some friends in about an hour. I decided a nice run with people who thought normally would help clear my head. It did indeed! Saturday was a successful day! With lots of prayer and support phone calls, I was able to babysit my brothers the entire day without a binge or panic attack! We had a blast together; making a picnic lunch, taking a nice long walk, and even making slow-churned ice cream together. I felt totally confident and in control. Being occupied with house cleaning also helped in giving me purpose and structure to my day. When I have specific tasks I need to accomplish, or fun things planned for the day, food becomes less of a worry and a stress.

I followed my meal plan most of the day on Sunday, and even resisted a binge in the evening. Instead of grabbing a jar of peanut butter, I grabbed my weights and my yoga mat, and had a peanut butter sandwich later for dinner.
My desire to eat in secret got the better of me later that night. I wouldn't call three oreos and a glass of milk a binge, but because oreos were a "no-no", I felt like they need to come up. As soon as I was done purging, I crumbled. I felt that I had ruined a day of victory.

My mom talked me through my meltdown last night, and I'm starting fresh today!

ONE WEEK UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!!! I'm giving this week to the Lord! He will help me walk in victory!

A night of victory

This morning marked the one week anniversary of the worst binge ever.
Unlike last week's disaster, I was able to get myself out of bed, give my day to the Lord, and have ONE bowl of cereal...ONE delicious bowl...not a bag full of crap...one nutritious bowl.
Last night I was planning to get up in the night and chow down, but after reflecting on youth service, I knew that would send me back into that vicious cycle of guilt and remorse- one of the reasons I purge. I feel like purging is a way of punishing my body for giving in to the binging.
Overcoming these self-destructive habits has been such an enormous challenge, but last night was a step in the right direction. I was finally able to tell my mom that I was struggling with my cravings and foolish desires to binge. We both cleared out the dishes in my room, and prayed together. By the end of our prayer time (and four bottles of water later), the urge to binge had subsided, and I was able to see the destructive outcome it would bring if I continued to fall into my pit.
I worshiped the Lord as I got ready for bed. Praising his name banished all thoughts of food and need for comfort. He was my comfort. He gave me a restful night- a night of peace and knowing that I am loved.

So, I had a breakfast bowl of victory this morning, a salad of celebration at noon, and a turkey burger of thanksgiving for dinner.
Oh! and cocoa and conversation with a dear friend.

I plan on keeping it all in my belly =]

Recovery week

I've had a few major setbacks this past week. It seems that right when I start to do well, I let go of God's hand and forget about Him altogether.
I was able to follow my nutritionist's food guide for a whole week- no purging, no laxatives!
But...my fear and insecurities set in, and I began to binge. I thought I could stop with just one jar of peanut butter (a favorite among binge food), but I continued to search for happiness in tasty foods. Not once did I stop and think about what I was doing. Deep down, I knew that the binging always makes me sick and miserable in the end. I didn't ask God to give me the strength to stop, because I didn't want to stop! Well, part of me did, but my fearful side wanted more comfort, and sought comfort through the jar peanut butter, the quart of ice cream, and the bag of honey bunches of oats.
It normally takes me a whole day to consume all my binge food, leaving my stomach stretched to the limit. Even when I am in physical pain, I still desire food more than anything on binge days.
This binge went on and off for three days. I went three days without a shower, two days without washing my face, and two days without changing my clothes. I was a wreck! The only thing I wanted to do was eat...and eat...and eat. I ate any fatty or sugary snack I could get my hands on, and even went to great lengths to steal food from other houses (mainly family members...but still, that's messed up!).
My mom tried her best to help me, but couldn't monitor me 24/7, so I continued to let my distorted desires control me.
"I just can't stop eating," I said. "I want food more than anything in the world!"
After polishing off the last of my brownie mix (or my cousin's brownie mix)on Friday night, I finally fell asleep.
I dreamed a very realistic nightmare that night.
I was screaming "break free!" at the top of my lungs, but there was no sound, and I stayed paralyzed in my bed. A demon was standing next to my bed, blocking the sound of my voice, when suddenly, I felt a great warmth in my chest and heard a voice boom "break free." I woke up after that, and began to cry out to God.
I asked him to give me the strength to quit this terrible binge. I cried, "Don't let me go back; I can't go back."

It's been two days since the last binge. The first day of recovery is always the hardest. After eating constantly for three days, I don't know what to do with myself. My mom and my aunt are both helping me get back on track.
Today, I behaved and functioned like a normal human being, and ate according to the nutrition plan. I gave my day completely over to the Lord.
This week is going to be a week of victory.

I am ready to move on and start healing again.

Some Background

Ok, so let me tell you a little bit more about my struggle.
I wasn't always concerned about my weight or appearance. In fact, up until my freshman year of high school, I couldn't care less about what I ate. Sure, I liked to look nice and put together (my hair always being my main focus); but I didn't start obsessing until I turned 15. Entering high school after being home schooled for 5 years came as a shock to me. I became very insecure as friends I had gone to school with earlier in elementary school rejected and ignored me.
Luckily, performing arts led me to new friendships, and I began to build some confidence again.
My solid group of friends were my church friends- buddies from birth, I could always count on them to make me feel accepted.

During my sophomore year, I decided to go on my first crash diet. I had been accepted to attend a modeling/acting conference in Los Angeles, and I wanted to look my best. I lost a tremendous amount of weight in a short amount of time. I loved the fast results and the affirmation I received from my friends.
This was the start of my "yo-yo dieting" that began to consume my life.
I wasn't signed with a modeling or acting agent after the conference in LA, so I quickly gained the weight back, ditching the diet and eating much more than I used to.
Once I would see weight coming back on, I would skip a meal or two a day, or eat only veggies. My eating habits became a bizarre cycle of starvation, then over eating. I could go days without food, but a binge was always around the corner.

I knew my eating habits were far from normal, and I longed to eat like my friends, but guilt always set in when I strayed from my dieting. More guilt would set in when I would binge (usually on something loaded with fat or carbs- two things I would deprive myself of).

The fad diets continued, and so did the binging. Junior year, I tried it all- from green tea, to extreme diet pills, to cabbage soup and grapefruit. These all led to temporary weight loss...and disappointment.
Before I turned 17, I became obsessed with fitness and exercise. I had a traumatic semester at my high school, so my parents agreed to let me home school again. This gave me time to get in shape, though the binging would still continue.

I spent most of my birthday money on diet pills; that's when my grandma became concerned about my obsession and introduced me to the weight watchers point system. She made me promise to stop the diet pills and gave me a weight watchers food book. This book became my constant companion for months. I was actually able to keep weight off consistently, and soon I was able to see big results.
As summer came around, losing weight was my number one focus. My diet was completely fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free, and low carb. One ounce of sugar, and one gram of fat, and I would go ballistic.
This was when the laxatives came in. These harsh stimulant laxatives were my back up plan in case I slipped up and consumed too many calories (even if I had a morsel of chocolate- my worst enemy). Purging with laxatives was much easier for me than throwing up, though I had developed that habit as well.
My weight began to drop rapidly, and soon family and friends became even more concerned. My mom and I had agreed upon a specific weight for me to maintain, but I had fallen far bellow that number.

No matter how much weight I lost, I was never satisfied. "Just five more pounds" is what I would say. Over time, those five pounds became over 40, and I was still unsatisfied, miserable, and trapped in a pit. The binging and purging had consumed me. There were often times I thought I would die due to an overdose of laxatives. The pain was so excruciating as I would take five times the daily dosage, and also experiment by mixing different kinds. My mouth also began to bleed from vomiting so consistently. I absolutely hated who I had become and the lifestyle I had chosen.
I finally asked my my family members and youth leaders for help. They formed a support group for me, and are now committed to help me through my struggle and out of my pit.
I am so happy God has blessed me with an amazing family and loving friends. They have been so kind and understanding throughout this journey towards healing.
God has provided so many tools for my success. I have a new friend who has overcome anorexia, a caring counselor, a fantastic doctor, and an awesome fitness coach/ nutritionist.

Of course, my eating disorder didn't happen overnight, and neither will my recovery. (This took me a while to realize)
I still have my setbacks, but I am able to learn and grow from each of them. With the Lord's help, I can walk in victory.