A Wacky Weekend

Hey everyone!
So as you know, I'm trying to "normalize" my eating habits. I've been seeing an amazing nutritionist, Mary, who has been a huge support and a crucial part of my recovery. Mary has me use a structured eating method where I eat more often, leaving me feeling satisfied and less compelled to binge. Her food plan has really helped in terms of feeling deprived and lost in my world of dieting. Each week, Mary either adds a new snack or more food to each meal.
Her goal for me is to have me put on weight without freaking me out with huge amounts of food. There are times that I do freak out over a cheese stick, or purge after I've consumed a tablespoon of olive oil. But little by little, I'm retraining my brain to say,"Rachelle, those calories need to nourish your body," not, "Ahhhhhhh, Rachelle, you need to get rid of those calories before they turn into fat! Burn them off, or purge them before it's too late!" (yeah, that's me in my panic mode).

I had two panic mode instances this weekend, mainly because I strayed from the food plan. I had a "bag of cereal binge" Friday night. I was reading about emotional eating in a book I had checked out from the library; I'm guessing that was the trigger. Instead of discouraging me from emotional eating, the book sparked my old desires and habits. I wasn't hungry, but the idea of eating all I wanted without anyone knowing sounded appealing. After I had polished off the last of the cereal, the guilt and the panic set in, and I gave in to the compulsion to purge.
I couldn't keep what had happened a secret, so I let my mom know.
We both prayed that the guilt I was feeling wouldn't hold me down like it normally would.
My mind raced that night, replaying events that had caused so much guilt and remorse. I was soooooo tempted to rip open the freezer, grab a carton of ice cream, and eat all my troubles away. (sure, that would work)
It was 5:00 am, and my mom was leaving to go running with some friends in about an hour. I decided a nice run with people who thought normally would help clear my head. It did indeed! Saturday was a successful day! With lots of prayer and support phone calls, I was able to babysit my brothers the entire day without a binge or panic attack! We had a blast together; making a picnic lunch, taking a nice long walk, and even making slow-churned ice cream together. I felt totally confident and in control. Being occupied with house cleaning also helped in giving me purpose and structure to my day. When I have specific tasks I need to accomplish, or fun things planned for the day, food becomes less of a worry and a stress.

I followed my meal plan most of the day on Sunday, and even resisted a binge in the evening. Instead of grabbing a jar of peanut butter, I grabbed my weights and my yoga mat, and had a peanut butter sandwich later for dinner.
My desire to eat in secret got the better of me later that night. I wouldn't call three oreos and a glass of milk a binge, but because oreos were a "no-no", I felt like they need to come up. As soon as I was done purging, I crumbled. I felt that I had ruined a day of victory.

My mom talked me through my meltdown last night, and I'm starting fresh today!

ONE WEEK UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!!! I'm giving this week to the Lord! He will help me walk in victory!