Another Binge...Another Lesson Learned

I fell back into my deep, dark hole this week. After having several victories, my old behaviors and patterns came back in full force. I'm guessing that the part of me that is so attached to my disorder recognized that I was improving, and therefore tried it's best to sabotage my chances for success.
Tuesday started out great, with both my emotions and my eating behaviors in a positive state. Later that day, my mom left to run some errands with my brother. I hadn't been planning a binge earlier that day, but I suddenly felt an overwhelming compulsion to binge and purge. I'm still trying to investigate what caused that snap in my brain...cravings, feeling insecure and vulnerable; it could be a number of things.
Anyway, I scoured the house for any trace of peanut butter like a ravenous lion on the prowl. I downed half a jar in about two seconds, but was left disappointed when there was no more left. When I tried to purge, absolutely nothing would come up, no matter how hard I tried. I panicked and reverted to my second (and more painful) purging method: laxatives.
I had promised my mom, my grandma, and my aunt that I would stop buying them in secret, yet in my desperation, I went against my word. Even after reading an article on all the harmful effects of laxative abuse, I convinced myself that it would all be worth it, and nothing could be worse than gaining weight.
I had never felt more desperate for something in my entire life. This feeling shot through me like adrenaline as I took off running for the pharmacy two miles down the road. I used the last of my spending money to purchase a box of chocolate flavored laxatives, and went next door to buy more binge food. I was running out of time, and had only a dollar left, so I ran at top speed without the peanut butter I was also planning to buy.
The next three days are a big blur of food, food, and more food, running to the bathroom, sneaking around, and decieving my family members and friends. I neglected my studies and all my responseabilities as I became Rachelle the Binge Monster. I numbed myself to the message of my wednesday night youth class, though I knew deep down that God was aiming this message directly towards me. I tuned out everything that had to do with temptation; I had my mind made up, and my binge food safely stowed away in my purse- I was giving in to my destructive desires, even when I knew it would lead to despair. I couldn't let go of my false source of comfort and security that binging that purging brought me.
With at least eight doses of laxatives running through my system, the pain grew more and more severe. It felt like a hot iron was branding my lower abdomin from the inside out. I wanted to scream, I wanted to stop, I wanted out, I WANTED TO BE FREE!
.....yet I could not let go of my bulimia; something inside me still loved this disease.
I got up before the crack of dawn Thursaday morning, even after spending most of the night in the bathroom. I grabbed more food to supplement my hidden stash of stolen food from the previous day. Time flew by as the food slowly began to disapear, and I was left dissatisfied, though my belly was stuffed. I finally realized that I needed to get ready to go take my grandma to the airport. She was leaving for Europe later that day, and I couldn't let her see me in this state.
With only an hour left until she arrived, I reluctantly set down my spoonful of frosted mini wheats, and decided to ask for help. If I couldn't stop myself, then maybe my mom could.
My belly was bloated, my hair was disheveled, and my make up was smeared as I trudged up the stairs to my parents room.
"You have to make me stop! I can't stop on my own!"
I sobbed as my mom discarded the last remnants of my binge food. Part of me was releaved, and part of me still wanted the food.
My bathroom reeked of everything that encompassed Bulimia; I was ashamed.

I was somehow able to move on after that. As I cleansed myself in the shower, I asked God to cleanse my mind and my heart.

As my mom, my grandma, and I made our way to the airport, I sat in the back seat and read Starved- a Christian book on freedom from eating disorders. This book is filled with truth and scripture that counteract negative thoughts. I've read Starved twice through, and it really helps in the renewing of my mind.
I broke down as I escorted my grandma to her airline. We prayed a short prayer, and I promised to make some improvement by the time she got back.

Friday was my epiphany day.
The laxatives were finally done running through my intestines (I had taken my last dose thursday afternoon), and my binge bloat was starting to go down.
My first appointment was with my doctor. I was shocked to see that I had gained quite a bit of weight since last week...the Doc was happy.
I saw Mary, my nutritionist/fittness coach, next.
I weighed in, and almost hoped to see a lower number than I had at the doctor's office; it was the same.
I couldn't believe I had put on weight after purging so vigorously.
Well, Mary was pleased, even if I wasn't. She gave me a few new exercises, and a great big hug before the end of our session. In the middle of our imbrace, she said, "You know, I have never seen an underweight bulimic. I've worked with several of them, and they were all heavy."
Again, I was shocked.
Mary explained to me that bulimia doesn't work. BULIMIA IS A LIE!
Though it may seem like purging gets rid of the food, our bodies actually absorb the nutrients it needs as soon as the food enters us, even through our saliva!
The laxatives didn't stop the fat from being absorbed, nor did they eliminate any of the calories I had consumed. What was being purged wasn't really my binge food, but the waste and other minerals from that food.
The same goes for vomiting; only a small percentage of the food is able to make its way up, and even then, the body has already started to absorb what it needs from that food.
So...what I thought was working for me for so long.... was really an illusion.
My calorie restriction was the real reason I was (and still am) so underweight.
That explains why after three solid days of binging and purging, I gained quite a few pounds. Sure, some of it may be water weight, but that is the only thing laxatives can remove- not calories.

All I can say is: HOLY CRAP! I CAN'T BELIEVE I FELL FOR THAT STUPID LIE!

Ok, so I've been doing well since Friday. My mom and I are working together as far as sticking to the food plan goes. Binges seem much less appealing after learning that all those calories can't really be removed from the body like I thought they could.
I'm also trying new kinds of foods- foods that normal people eat, non-diet foods.
My mom and I split a mocha at Starbucks, with whipped cream!

Today was a special day!!! My family went up to San Francisco for the day to celebrate my 18th birthday. (it's on Monday!) I ate what I wanted in sensible portions, and was totally satisfied. This included ribs at the Rainforest Cafe, a tall americano at Starbucks, and a dark chocolate sunday at Ghirardelli square.
I am so happy that the Lord was able to help me enjoy my day of celebration. God totally blessed my family with this great opportunity to have a mini-vacation, and I wasn't about to let a stupid eating disorder ruin our fun.
I did feel vulnerable and afraid after eating things I wasn't used to, and also had thoughts about purging; but these thoughts were soon thrown away after refocusing my mind, and dwelling on God's love for me.

Oh great news! My Christmas present got delivered yesterday.
It's a proform elliptical trainer (kinda like a treadmill and a bike combined).
I feel like I won't freak out so much about all the food Mary is having me eat if I'm able to exercise with ease. This is another step in a healthy direction! I'm renovating the back room into my workout room; that means no more freezing to death in the garage, and no more shin-splints from my dad's treadmill.

Though this week has had it's trials, the Lord has given me hope.