Heart Doctor

This past week has been quite the roller-coaster ride.
Tuesday started with a 3:00 am binge that went on until 7:00 at night.
I was miserable throughout the whole stupid thing. In fact, I broke down emotionally and took at double dose of cold medicine to knock myself out. I told my mom that I was tired of living, so I went into a drug-induced slumber, hoping I would be able to stop eating when I awoke.
It only got worse.
I threw a total tantrum when my mom made me hand over the jar of peanut butter I had found the night before. She said she would be happy to make me a peanut butter sandwich, but refused to let me eat the whole jar. My dad came in the kitchen and offered to make us both PB&H sandwiches. My dad and I ate together while watching the evening news, and the urge to continue to binge subsided. After a nice workout, I finally collected my wits, and returned to my structured eating plan for the rest of the week.

I met with Mary, my nutritionist/fitness coach, on Wednesday. We went over strategies to keep me from binging late at night- from painting my nails, to climbing in bed with my mom; anything to distract me from thoughts of food, food and more food.
Later that day, I met with my therapist, Judy. We dove into the past as we poured over old photo albums of me and my family. She was intrigued with how I was able to tell when I was happy in a photo. "I can see it in my eyes, and in my face," I told her. We also talked about different levels of self control when it came to binging and purging. She asked me to rate my self control on a scale of one to ten- one being totally in control of my actions and behaviors, and ten not being able to stop a binge. I told her it seemed that I was always either at a one, or suddenly at a ten; there was no in between. Judy explained that, though it may seem like a sudden snap may occur, I should be able to stop and think for a moment. This would give me a chance to rate my self control, and bring it back down to one. She also asked me to be aware of my thoughts during those in between times of one and ten.
A five would be the stage where I start to plan a time to binge. If I can be aware of those thoughts, I may be able to scale down towards a one before I head towards a six or seven (at this stage, I would be stashing the binge food).

After my counseling session, my mom and I had a nice chunk of time alone in the car together. I reflected on a talk I had on Sunday with a healed anorexic named Karen. Karen was happy to share a bit of her journey and some of the tools she used in her recovery. She drew me a diagram of a heart with blanks on the inside, then drew a circle around it. "If we had a heart doctor open us up, he would be able to fill these blanks with hurts and pains. What we tend to do is cover them up with something we can control- our weight, what we eat, how we exercise. That's what the circle represents," she explained. "Now, we can't go digging these hurts up with a shovel; we have to let God bring them to the surface. That is when we can deal with these issues. Let God be the heart doctor."
Earlier Wednesday morning, I had prayed that God would reveal something that had hurt me. I tried and tried to think of it on my own, but after my talk with Karen, I knew that the Lord would bring it up at just the right moment.
And He did!
As my mom and I sat in the car, I finally told her about events that took place back when I was going to private school. My mind had always pushed these events aside, and I hadn't realized how much it all affected me. The thought of sharing with my parents about how I had been harassed sexually had always made me uncomfortable. But after releasing what I had kept inside for so long, I suddenly felt lighter. Later that night, my parents and I prayed together, and I was able to forgive several guys for the way they treated me. The Lord lifted that burden from my heart- it had gotten way to heavy after over a year.

I still have more "heart blanks" to fill in, but I know God can reveal those pains and hurts to me if I am willing to trust him.
He is my heart doctor.