Christmas Break update

"I HATE MY BODY, I HATE MY BODY, I HATE MY BODY!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH"
~This is what I was screaming into my pillow less than an hour ago.

Well, I've only had a few breakdowns this Christmas break, and they are all related to my new body and not being able to fit into my clothes anymore. I can honestly say that gaining weight is the only thing that I regret about going to Mercy. I'm so glad that they work through inner issues as well, and get to the roots of the behaviors. They don't just fix the behavior, like most treatment centers, but they yank up the roots, and help girls receive healing from the Lord. I can't tell you how horrible it would be to go into a treatment center just to have them fatten me up and send me on my way.
Sure, Mercy has fattened me up, but they have also given me tools to walk in victory. Working through counseling, I couldn't believe all the crazy lies I had been believing all my life; these lies were totally holding me in bondage!
The main lie I had believed was that my worth and value was based on what other people thought or said about me. You can imagine what kind of bondage this kept me in; my life was based entirely on performance and my outward appearance...ever since I was a little girl!
I had no idea about my identity in Christ because I was so focused on finding my identity in what others saw in me. I took identity in being the perfect girl [when I made a mistake I was always told that I was a "bad girl"]. Being the perfect girl led to me needing perfect grades, the perfect behavior, and the perfect appearance...which led to me needing the perfect body. Ugh, we know the rest of the story.
Anyway, my worth and value seemed to come from what I did and how I performed. I was a "good girl" when I behaved well, and a "bad girl" when I didn't.
I even struggled with food at the age of five! How I ate even determined my value when I was super young! Again, I was a "good girl" if I ate everything on my plate, and a "bad girl" if I didn't. This caused a habit of food restriction from an early age because I would constantly hide my food under my parents bed so I wouldn't have to eat it. I would get praise and affirmation from my mom and dad when they would see my empty plate, and I would feel like I had worth and value, though deep down I hated eating all my food. I was always the "good girl" and I could never make any mistakes because that would mean I was a terrible person...and terrible people had little worth or value.
This was the lie I lived- the lie that held me in chains.

At Mercy, I learned the Truth. My worth and value is not based on what other people say, but what God says about me. Ok, so it sounds a little corny, but it totally makes sense! God is the only one who truly knows who I am because He's the one who created me! Man can try to tell me who I am based on appearances, but my appearance is just how I appear, it's not who I am. Only God knows who I am, and only He knows my worth and value...and it's written in His Word!
What a freeing discovery! I don't have to strive, and strive, and strive to feel like I'm worth something! God says I am his masterpiece, and I wasn't created to do all these crazy works on my own. I was created to do what He has planned for me, I just have to trust Him. ~Check out Ephesians 2:10

So yes, I have put on a few (or more than a few) pounds over my 5 months at Mercy...but it doesn't make me any less valuable, or any less worthy of love or affection. Before Mercy, I put all my confidence in my outward appearance; and now that perfect appearance is starting to crumble. My thin, Vogue model body is gone; my hair got butchered at the JC Penny Salon; and my designer clothes no longer fit. All of these things that I put my confidence in have wasted away; the only thing left standing at ground zero is Jesus. He is the only thing that will never change, no matter the circumstances. He is the only thing that is constant, reliable, and the only thing that can give me true confidence. He will never fail me; my body may fail me, my metabolism may fail me, hairstylists may fail me, but Jesus never fails.

I can't even describe the kind of savior He has been for me. He has redeemed every thing that I have surrendered to Him, and He has given me more than I can imagine.