Recovery week

I've had a few major setbacks this past week. It seems that right when I start to do well, I let go of God's hand and forget about Him altogether.
I was able to follow my nutritionist's food guide for a whole week- no purging, no laxatives!
But...my fear and insecurities set in, and I began to binge. I thought I could stop with just one jar of peanut butter (a favorite among binge food), but I continued to search for happiness in tasty foods. Not once did I stop and think about what I was doing. Deep down, I knew that the binging always makes me sick and miserable in the end. I didn't ask God to give me the strength to stop, because I didn't want to stop! Well, part of me did, but my fearful side wanted more comfort, and sought comfort through the jar peanut butter, the quart of ice cream, and the bag of honey bunches of oats.
It normally takes me a whole day to consume all my binge food, leaving my stomach stretched to the limit. Even when I am in physical pain, I still desire food more than anything on binge days.
This binge went on and off for three days. I went three days without a shower, two days without washing my face, and two days without changing my clothes. I was a wreck! The only thing I wanted to do was eat...and eat...and eat. I ate any fatty or sugary snack I could get my hands on, and even went to great lengths to steal food from other houses (mainly family members...but still, that's messed up!).
My mom tried her best to help me, but couldn't monitor me 24/7, so I continued to let my distorted desires control me.
"I just can't stop eating," I said. "I want food more than anything in the world!"
After polishing off the last of my brownie mix (or my cousin's brownie mix)on Friday night, I finally fell asleep.
I dreamed a very realistic nightmare that night.
I was screaming "break free!" at the top of my lungs, but there was no sound, and I stayed paralyzed in my bed. A demon was standing next to my bed, blocking the sound of my voice, when suddenly, I felt a great warmth in my chest and heard a voice boom "break free." I woke up after that, and began to cry out to God.
I asked him to give me the strength to quit this terrible binge. I cried, "Don't let me go back; I can't go back."

It's been two days since the last binge. The first day of recovery is always the hardest. After eating constantly for three days, I don't know what to do with myself. My mom and my aunt are both helping me get back on track.
Today, I behaved and functioned like a normal human being, and ate according to the nutrition plan. I gave my day completely over to the Lord.
This week is going to be a week of victory.

I am ready to move on and start healing again.