Hi beautiful readers!!!
This has been such a summer of transformation for me, and it is only the beginning!
I recently had a counseling appointment at the Bethel Transformation Center here in Redding, and I received such revelation and breakthrough! This past year, I have had so much fear in regards to giving my whole heart to The Lord, and I really couldn't place where the fear was coming from. During worship at BSSM, I would picture myself down on my knees and surrendering my life to the Lord, and crying out, "I'm yours Lord, I'm all yours!" Or I would picture myself dancing before the Lord with so much freedom and abandon.
I would think, why cant I do that? What's holding me back?
I wanted so badly to surrender to God's plan for my life, but I still clung to that little bit of control and that voice that says, I know whats best for me. If I give up control, I might get hurt.
My entire year at BSSM was filled with frustration as I battled with this issue of control.
During my counseling session, I was finally able to let go of my boyfriend and release him, knowing that it's not my job to take care of him, it's God's. My counselor and I were also able to pinpoint what needs my ex was filling, and it boiled down to affirmation and security. I would receive affirmation via text, and I had a false sense of security when I pictured a future with him- free military housing, a stable income. But this affirmation, and false security were both so unhealthy!
My counselor and I came up with a game plan to get these needs met, starting with declaring what the Lord says about me (something mercy ministries taught me). I remembered my truth booklet I had made at mercy, and all of the declarations I used to say years ago, and how much that helped with my self esteem. It saddened me to see how easily I had forgotten to declare who I am in Christ, and how my truth booklet had been collecting dust for so long.
But the enemy will stop at nothing to get God's children to believe the lie that they are not valuable, that they are worthless, that they do not have a destiny or future.
But guess what: I have great worth and value, and I have an incredible destiny and future! And so do YOU!!!
In my session, I also worked through the issue of security. I felt like I could not trust God with my future. Instead, I wanted to be in complete control. I told my counselor I wanted so badly to surrender my life, my plans, my everything to the Lord, but I thought I had to give up too many things, like my wants and desires.
We looked back at my childhood and how my father raised me. Once again, I was looking at Papa God through my earthly father "lenses." Growing up it was always, "you do what I want you to do; you be that way I want you to be; you go where I want you to go; you feel the way I want you to feel," from my Dad. I felt so controlled, and I felt like every decision I made was to make my dad happy, and I made no decisions based off of my own needs or wants.
After explaining this to my counselor, she led me in a prayer, and I encountered Jesus in the room! I felt Him sit down next to me and wrap His arms around me. I asked Him what would happen if I gave my whole heart to Him. I suddenly felt an overwhelming warmth flood my heart, and He replied, "I don't want to control you. All I want to do is love you."
I broke down in tears. My counselor asked if I wanted to let Him love me. "Yes!" I sobbed.
I felt such a shift in my heart and in my spirit when I opened up my heart to His love. Its a perfect love with no strings attached and no hidden agendas, and He does not set my needs or wants aside! He loves fully and completely, and this encounter still wreaks me! Now, I cannot help but breakdown and cry whenever someone mentions God's love. His love is just so amazing and so good!
My control related fear is now gone, and my security rests in His love!!!
Oh on a side note, I got inspiration for my first tattoo!!! I have a ton of other tattoos that I want to get done, but they're fairly big, and would be a bit expensive for the season I'm in right now.
This tattoo would be song lyrics, and I would get it on the inside of my forearm starting at the wrist and ending near the elbow- big, beautiful font!
I was in worship this past Sunday, and we were singing the song Closer, and of course I was bawling because most of the songs that morning were about God's love. But the lyrics that hit me the most were, "You're Love is so much stronger than anything I've faced."
Oh man! Those lyrics wreak me! And because of my journey, I would love to have those lyrics on my arm as a constant reminder of His goodness and His freaking amazing love!!! (Hopefully I wont cry every time I look down at my arm)
:)
PS: I had another (very intense!!!) inner healing session, so I'll be posting about that soon!
~Much love, Rachelle
xoxoxoxo
Monday, July 15, 2013
Sunday, June 23, 2013
A New Chapter
Hello beautiful readers.
It has been about a year and a half since I last wrote on this blog, and my life has drastically changed since my last post. There have been countless hardships and struggles, but I am able to say that I am alive, and God still has much more planned for me.
I can now say that my future looks bright, but I would not have said that a year ago. I was weighed down by depression, pain, guilt, and shame, and I did not want to reach out for help. During this time I had been in a toxic, controlling, and manipulative relationship, and I felt completely trapped. I was much too afraid to let the man who said he loved me go...and even more afraid of the abuse that might come if I ever tried to break things off.
Friends and family began to notice that this man was not treating me with respect, and strongly urged me to end things with him. I became angry with them, and stopped communicating with them, thinking they were just trying to sabotage my love life. I decided to ignore all the red flags, until I couldn't distinguish them any longer. Soon I could not tell love from abuse, and my life became very dark, very fast.
I didn't know who to turn to in order to deal with the pain, so I turned to alcohol and the party scene. When the numbness of the alcohol didn't seem to help, I turned to my old friend: FOOD. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold a steady job with the way I had been drinking (I had been coming to work hungover almost every shift), but a food addiction could go practically undetected.
Food, once again, became my drug.
I quit the parties and the drinking, and relied solely on food to get me through the day. I gained a drastic amount of weight, and soon my depression worsened.... and I coped with even more food.
I couldn't dare show my face at my old church. My life was spun around lies and secrets to keep people from knowing that I was living an immoral lifestyle.
I was convinced that God was disappointed in me, so I quit talking to Him as well.
I began having horrifying night terrors, and even seeing and hearing demonic apparitions. Hell began to seem a lot more real, and I felt like I could be dragged down at any moment.
One day, in August 2012, I finally cried out to The Lord, "I need to know you care about me!" Moments later, I heard a knock at the door. I opened it, and there stood a friendly looking lady. With a giant grin on her face, she handed me a Bible track with the caption "Why do bad things happen."
The lady said, "I just wanted to let you know that God loves you, and He cares about you,"
With tears streaming down my face, I quickly flipped through the pamphlet, when one verse jumped out at me. It was the very same verse that I had clung to during my battle with Anorexia:
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future,"
I started crying hysterically, and the woman gave me a huge hug, then just held me in her embrace. This was an embrace from Papa God.
After this day, shame began to melt off of me, and I finally reached out to my Mom, who was living with the rest of my family in Redding, CA.
I told her how I had gotten an acceptance letter from Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry months before, and I wanted to move in with her and the rest of the fam, and enroll in the school. She was surprised, but thrilled!
The terrifying part was breaking the news to my boyfriend at the time, but there was grace on that as well. Though he had shown a ton of disappointment, I did not have to endure one of his rageaholic meltdowns.
In September 2012, I moved from Santa Cruz to Redding- it was definitely a change in scenery...and shopping :(
Now that I was five hours away from my boyfriend, I finally felt safe enough to break things off. Once I did, a huge sense of peace came over me, and nervousness and tension left my body.
Once BSSM started up, God immediately started encountering me and revealing His love for me.
I received so much healing, and I had so many people sowing into me, and helping me with my journey.
But it seemed that as soon as I had a breakthrough, the enemy came at me harder. There were so many times I felt like giving up, and I felt like I wasn't cut out for being a student of supernatural ministry; but God proved me wrong every time! I had no idea that I could pray for people and they would get healed, or that I could receive a word of knowledge from the Holy Spirit about someone who needed to experience the Father's love.
Every time I said," I'm no good at this," God would seriously set me up to encounter a miracle, as if to say, "it's not you, its ME THROUGH YOU!"
Though my experiences in Bethel's first year program were amazing, and even life changing, my heart was still hurting. I was still struggling with a great amount of insecurity. Some days, the insecurity would be crippling, and I would often skip class.
I began to isolate myself, instead of reaching out for help, and I soon got caught up in an unhealthy phone relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I told myself and others that we were just back to being friends, but it turned romantic very quickly, and things just went downhill from there.
Shame began to take hold of my life once again, and the secrets I was holding inside started eating away at me. I did not want to connect with Papa God anymore because of the shame, and I started to disconnect with others as well, including my Revival Group Pastor, Carl.
I tried to cut things off with my ex several times, but with no support and accountability, I fell right back into the same cycle- getting all of my love, acceptance, and affirmation from my exboyfriend instead of Papa God.
Jealousy also plagued my heart when I learned that my ex was living with his current girlfriend.
Why is he telling me that he loves me, that he wishes that things could work out between us...when he's living with someone else?
The question I was too afraid to voice was: Why do I want to believe him?
My heart was crying out for love, yet I was too scared to let anyone else but my ex love me. I did not feel worthy of real, authentic love.
Two months before BSSM graduation, I had had several moral slip-ups regarding my ex and I, and I was sure I would be kicked out of ministry school. But instead of condemnation, I was shown grace, and love. My revival group pastor even said, "this doesn't change the way I see you, and I am not disappointed in you." And the ladies in my small group gathered around me in support as I shared with them and apologized for hiding so many things from them.
I couldn't believe the love and support I was shown! This totally modeled Bethel's "Culture of Honor."
I had a tremendous support team who helped me work through the pain I was feeling, and I am so thankful for everyone who helped me, prayed with me, cried with me, and loved on me!
I was able to go through counseling and finally break soul ties with my ex, and cut off communication with him as well.
Its still a step by step process, and I am still in the midst of counseling sessions and inner healing.
On May 10th, 2013, I was able to graduate from 1st year at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, and it was a huge milestone in my life.
God blessed me with so many friends, and so many amazing people who have spoken into my life.
I am still on a journey, but Papa God is by my side every step of the way. This has been the craziest start to a new chapter of my life, and I cant wait to see what He has written on the next page.
~Thank you all for reading. I'll be posting again soon.
Love, Rachelle
It has been about a year and a half since I last wrote on this blog, and my life has drastically changed since my last post. There have been countless hardships and struggles, but I am able to say that I am alive, and God still has much more planned for me.
I can now say that my future looks bright, but I would not have said that a year ago. I was weighed down by depression, pain, guilt, and shame, and I did not want to reach out for help. During this time I had been in a toxic, controlling, and manipulative relationship, and I felt completely trapped. I was much too afraid to let the man who said he loved me go...and even more afraid of the abuse that might come if I ever tried to break things off.
Friends and family began to notice that this man was not treating me with respect, and strongly urged me to end things with him. I became angry with them, and stopped communicating with them, thinking they were just trying to sabotage my love life. I decided to ignore all the red flags, until I couldn't distinguish them any longer. Soon I could not tell love from abuse, and my life became very dark, very fast.
I didn't know who to turn to in order to deal with the pain, so I turned to alcohol and the party scene. When the numbness of the alcohol didn't seem to help, I turned to my old friend: FOOD. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold a steady job with the way I had been drinking (I had been coming to work hungover almost every shift), but a food addiction could go practically undetected.
Food, once again, became my drug.
I quit the parties and the drinking, and relied solely on food to get me through the day. I gained a drastic amount of weight, and soon my depression worsened.... and I coped with even more food.
I couldn't dare show my face at my old church. My life was spun around lies and secrets to keep people from knowing that I was living an immoral lifestyle.
I was convinced that God was disappointed in me, so I quit talking to Him as well.
I began having horrifying night terrors, and even seeing and hearing demonic apparitions. Hell began to seem a lot more real, and I felt like I could be dragged down at any moment.
One day, in August 2012, I finally cried out to The Lord, "I need to know you care about me!" Moments later, I heard a knock at the door. I opened it, and there stood a friendly looking lady. With a giant grin on her face, she handed me a Bible track with the caption "Why do bad things happen."
The lady said, "I just wanted to let you know that God loves you, and He cares about you,"
With tears streaming down my face, I quickly flipped through the pamphlet, when one verse jumped out at me. It was the very same verse that I had clung to during my battle with Anorexia:
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future,"
I started crying hysterically, and the woman gave me a huge hug, then just held me in her embrace. This was an embrace from Papa God.
After this day, shame began to melt off of me, and I finally reached out to my Mom, who was living with the rest of my family in Redding, CA.
I told her how I had gotten an acceptance letter from Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry months before, and I wanted to move in with her and the rest of the fam, and enroll in the school. She was surprised, but thrilled!
The terrifying part was breaking the news to my boyfriend at the time, but there was grace on that as well. Though he had shown a ton of disappointment, I did not have to endure one of his rageaholic meltdowns.
In September 2012, I moved from Santa Cruz to Redding- it was definitely a change in scenery...and shopping :(
Now that I was five hours away from my boyfriend, I finally felt safe enough to break things off. Once I did, a huge sense of peace came over me, and nervousness and tension left my body.
Once BSSM started up, God immediately started encountering me and revealing His love for me.
I received so much healing, and I had so many people sowing into me, and helping me with my journey.
But it seemed that as soon as I had a breakthrough, the enemy came at me harder. There were so many times I felt like giving up, and I felt like I wasn't cut out for being a student of supernatural ministry; but God proved me wrong every time! I had no idea that I could pray for people and they would get healed, or that I could receive a word of knowledge from the Holy Spirit about someone who needed to experience the Father's love.
Every time I said," I'm no good at this," God would seriously set me up to encounter a miracle, as if to say, "it's not you, its ME THROUGH YOU!"
Though my experiences in Bethel's first year program were amazing, and even life changing, my heart was still hurting. I was still struggling with a great amount of insecurity. Some days, the insecurity would be crippling, and I would often skip class.
I began to isolate myself, instead of reaching out for help, and I soon got caught up in an unhealthy phone relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I told myself and others that we were just back to being friends, but it turned romantic very quickly, and things just went downhill from there.
Shame began to take hold of my life once again, and the secrets I was holding inside started eating away at me. I did not want to connect with Papa God anymore because of the shame, and I started to disconnect with others as well, including my Revival Group Pastor, Carl.
I tried to cut things off with my ex several times, but with no support and accountability, I fell right back into the same cycle- getting all of my love, acceptance, and affirmation from my exboyfriend instead of Papa God.
Jealousy also plagued my heart when I learned that my ex was living with his current girlfriend.
Why is he telling me that he loves me, that he wishes that things could work out between us...when he's living with someone else?
The question I was too afraid to voice was: Why do I want to believe him?
My heart was crying out for love, yet I was too scared to let anyone else but my ex love me. I did not feel worthy of real, authentic love.
Two months before BSSM graduation, I had had several moral slip-ups regarding my ex and I, and I was sure I would be kicked out of ministry school. But instead of condemnation, I was shown grace, and love. My revival group pastor even said, "this doesn't change the way I see you, and I am not disappointed in you." And the ladies in my small group gathered around me in support as I shared with them and apologized for hiding so many things from them.
I couldn't believe the love and support I was shown! This totally modeled Bethel's "Culture of Honor."
I had a tremendous support team who helped me work through the pain I was feeling, and I am so thankful for everyone who helped me, prayed with me, cried with me, and loved on me!
I was able to go through counseling and finally break soul ties with my ex, and cut off communication with him as well.
Its still a step by step process, and I am still in the midst of counseling sessions and inner healing.
On May 10th, 2013, I was able to graduate from 1st year at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, and it was a huge milestone in my life.
God blessed me with so many friends, and so many amazing people who have spoken into my life.
I am still on a journey, but Papa God is by my side every step of the way. This has been the craziest start to a new chapter of my life, and I cant wait to see what He has written on the next page.
~Thank you all for reading. I'll be posting again soon.
Love, Rachelle
My Right Hand is Healed
Hi wonderful readers!
I'm starting this little blog of mine back up! yay!
It's been about a year and a half since my last post, and it has been far, far too long!
I have had many prophetic words saying that I should start writing over the past year, but so much has been holding me back. I was honestly waiting to have my life all together before I started writing again, but that didn't stop me from starting this blog in the first place, back in 2010.
When I started this blog, I was severely Anorexic and Bulimic, but I also discovered that I had a new found courage that allowed me to open up, be raw, real, and vulnerable through writing.
I'm ready to be just that once again: Raw, Real, and Vulnerable.
God rarely speaks to me through dreams, but when he does they are incredibly vivid.
Last night I had a dream that revealed what is going on in my heart and how it is affecting my relationship with food.
I had been doing so well with my eating for the past few months, but lately I would have strong urges to binge eat, and most of the time, I would give in, and the binges would last for days, following with laxative teas and herbal detoxes to try to flush all the crap out of my system.
Through Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, I had been making so much progress in loving myself and being kind to my body. I had attended workshops and classes, and found a healthy lifestyle that I found sustainable and that I enjoyed.
But after BSSM graduation, these insane binges began to start. I would force terrible foods down my throat; food that made me gag in disgust; foods full of preservatives, toxins, and refined sugar. I would look at the food I was about to inhale and ask, "why am I doing this?."
Well, this dream gave me some insight.
I'm walking in a mall, about to buy some shoes and a handbag, when I see a group of three Bethel ministry students praying in a circle. I dont want them to see me because I am sad and depressed. As I walk past them, I can tell they are on a "treasure hunt." I hear them whisper, "I think its her." I turn around and they are standing next to me. "God want's to heal your right hand," they said. I look down and my right hand is super swollen and red. I say,"ok" kind of sceptical. But they reply,"You haven't been using it lately, but God is healing it right now so you can use it again."
I look down and my hand is completely normal, and I can move all of my fingers with ease. I don't seem that excited, in fact I still seem gloomy.
I tell them, "actually, I need you to pray with me. I have been really down and depressed lately. You see I made some awful mistakes, and I didn't get into the second year at BSSM, and I am so angry with myself."
The ministry students pray with me, and the dream ends.
I woke up from this dream and didnt think much of it, but earlier this evening God began to reveal the meaning to me.
I really did make several mistakes this past year during BSSM first year, but I did not think I was still harboring anger towards myself. But it would totally explain the binge eating, because it is a form of self punishment!
I had no idea why I was binging, but the truth was I was punishing myself for something that God has already forgiven me of!
But here's the thing, I still need to forgive myself. I have been so angry with myself because I have felt like I f*cked up my future.
It's still something I need to work through, but I'll get there, I know I will!
As for the other part of my dream, my right hand being healed signifies my freedom to write again, and shame being broken from this aspect of my life! I love, love, love to write, but I had been living with so much guilt and shame, that I held back and put writing behind me, telling myself it was a thing of that past.
Not any more!
I've also had some prophetic words about a new measure of creativity being released in my life. I paint with my right hand as well as sketch with my right hand, so I'll be expressing myself through art as well. In the past, I had so much perfectionism attached to my artwork, but Papa God is breaking that off! There is so much freedom in art and creativity!
Well beautiful readers, I shall be posting another entry this evening as well.
It will be a bit lengthy, but a lot has happened since my last post back in 2011!
I love you all!
~Rachelle
I'm starting this little blog of mine back up! yay!
It's been about a year and a half since my last post, and it has been far, far too long!
I have had many prophetic words saying that I should start writing over the past year, but so much has been holding me back. I was honestly waiting to have my life all together before I started writing again, but that didn't stop me from starting this blog in the first place, back in 2010.
When I started this blog, I was severely Anorexic and Bulimic, but I also discovered that I had a new found courage that allowed me to open up, be raw, real, and vulnerable through writing.
I'm ready to be just that once again: Raw, Real, and Vulnerable.
God rarely speaks to me through dreams, but when he does they are incredibly vivid.
Last night I had a dream that revealed what is going on in my heart and how it is affecting my relationship with food.
I had been doing so well with my eating for the past few months, but lately I would have strong urges to binge eat, and most of the time, I would give in, and the binges would last for days, following with laxative teas and herbal detoxes to try to flush all the crap out of my system.
Through Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, I had been making so much progress in loving myself and being kind to my body. I had attended workshops and classes, and found a healthy lifestyle that I found sustainable and that I enjoyed.
But after BSSM graduation, these insane binges began to start. I would force terrible foods down my throat; food that made me gag in disgust; foods full of preservatives, toxins, and refined sugar. I would look at the food I was about to inhale and ask, "why am I doing this?."
Well, this dream gave me some insight.
I'm walking in a mall, about to buy some shoes and a handbag, when I see a group of three Bethel ministry students praying in a circle. I dont want them to see me because I am sad and depressed. As I walk past them, I can tell they are on a "treasure hunt." I hear them whisper, "I think its her." I turn around and they are standing next to me. "God want's to heal your right hand," they said. I look down and my right hand is super swollen and red. I say,"ok" kind of sceptical. But they reply,"You haven't been using it lately, but God is healing it right now so you can use it again."
I look down and my hand is completely normal, and I can move all of my fingers with ease. I don't seem that excited, in fact I still seem gloomy.
I tell them, "actually, I need you to pray with me. I have been really down and depressed lately. You see I made some awful mistakes, and I didn't get into the second year at BSSM, and I am so angry with myself."
The ministry students pray with me, and the dream ends.
I woke up from this dream and didnt think much of it, but earlier this evening God began to reveal the meaning to me.
I really did make several mistakes this past year during BSSM first year, but I did not think I was still harboring anger towards myself. But it would totally explain the binge eating, because it is a form of self punishment!
I had no idea why I was binging, but the truth was I was punishing myself for something that God has already forgiven me of!
But here's the thing, I still need to forgive myself. I have been so angry with myself because I have felt like I f*cked up my future.
It's still something I need to work through, but I'll get there, I know I will!
As for the other part of my dream, my right hand being healed signifies my freedom to write again, and shame being broken from this aspect of my life! I love, love, love to write, but I had been living with so much guilt and shame, that I held back and put writing behind me, telling myself it was a thing of that past.
Not any more!
I've also had some prophetic words about a new measure of creativity being released in my life. I paint with my right hand as well as sketch with my right hand, so I'll be expressing myself through art as well. In the past, I had so much perfectionism attached to my artwork, but Papa God is breaking that off! There is so much freedom in art and creativity!
Well beautiful readers, I shall be posting another entry this evening as well.
It will be a bit lengthy, but a lot has happened since my last post back in 2011!
I love you all!
~Rachelle
Thursday, November 17, 2011
New Perspectives, New Freedom
Hello my wonderful readers. Thanks again for your messages on facebook; they all mean so much to me, and I'm so grateful for all the support =] Especially my Mercy sisters!!!! I love each and every one of you lovely ladies!!!!
So, this morning I has a 102 degree fever, and felt like the epitome of CRAP!
Now I'm feeling well enough to sit up and type, but I've still been bed ridden all day.
I'm hoping and praying that I feel ok enough to see the Twilight Breaking Dawn premier tonight- I had my tickets bought waaaayyyyyy ahead of time. Maybe I'll just wrap up in a couple blankets and hide a thermos of tea and honey in my purse. I CANT MISS BREAKING DAWN, PART ONE!!!!!!
Hey, all you Twilight haters out there...QUIT HATING!!!!!
You simply don't appreciate the beauty of a vampire, human, werewolf love triangle!
Ok, off the Twilight subject for now. I've gained a whole new perspective on my eating, and it's been super freeing! Ready for it? Here it is:
Eat when you're hungry, and stop when you're full.
Now, for those of you who have always eaten normally, you may be thinking "DUH!"
But this is totally new for me. I've been dieting [eating according to man-made rules] for years and years and years! To hear that I could eat what my body wants- even if its a slice of pizza or a peanut butter and honey sandwich- is astounding to me! It's the real way of eating; listening to my body, feeding it what it needs, and stopping when it's full.
I haven't been eating according to my bodies cues, I've been eating according to rules, rules, and more rules.
Here's the rule I followed when I was five: you must hide your food so it looks like you finished your meal. You are only a "good-girl" if you eat all your food.
Here's the rule I followed when I was a pre-teen: Get the food while you can, because there may not be any left later. Take as much food as you can before your dad and your brothers do! Use your survival instincts! In this house, you snooze, you lose!
Here are the rules I followed in highschool: You must only eat a yogurt and rice cake snacks for lunch. You may not eat between the hours of 2pm and 5pm, or you will gain weight. No carbs at dinner- you will gain weight. If you binge, you may not eat lunch for an entire week, only tea. If you cheat, no eating for the next three days!
The rules got more and more strict: You may not skip a workout. You must run three miles a day and tone a major muscle group or your metabolism may slow down. You may not consume a carbohydrate of any kind; breads and pastas are strictly off limits. You must eliminate all types of fat in your diet. Fats make you fat. No eating after 7pm. Sweets, and sugars are forbidden. If you gain weight, you are a failure.
How miserable do these rules sound? My life revolved around Anorexic rules, diet rules, workout regimens, health rules...no wonder I had a nervous break down!
Mercy Ministries helped me eliminate these dieting rituals...but we still ate according to the clock, and what health professionals had to say. And let me tell you, we girls at Mercy had to go by a LOT of food rules.
Here are some of the Mercy food rules: You must have a serving of vegetables or fruit [it later evolved to 2 servings]. You must have a palm size of protein- no more, no less! You may have one icecream scoop of rice or mashed potatoes. You may not skip a food group! You may only have sweets on the weekend, or cake when there is a birthday. You may have a maximum of 10oz of frozen yogurt at the mall.
Girls with an anorexic background had to be especially monitored. We HAD to eat every scrap of food on our plates, and we were forced to eat when we were not hungry [required snack] between meals, or we would receive a discipline- an extra chore during the week.
Yes, Mercy Ministries and their counseling program helped me immensely, but the program did not set me up for a life of normal, rule-free eating. At Mercy, I was trained to eat everything on my plate, even if I was beyond full; I was trained to eat between meals, and to eat according to the clock, not according to my stomach.
I left Mercy still a bit confused about how to eat like a normal human being.
A few months after my Mercy graduation, I fell back into diet rules and regulations, restricting carbs and stuffing myself with veggies and fruit. Eventually my body cried out for the fat, sugar, and carbs that I had deprived it of, and I went into full on binge-mode.
The binge/restrict cycle began again...and this time I was overweight vs. underweight, so my self hatred grew even more.
This is from a post a few weeks ago; I never published it, so it was saved as a draft. This shows where my mindset was and how frustrated dieting had made me.
"Hey everyone!
So the past couple of weeks, I have not been in close communication with many of my accountability peeps. This has really caused me to try a lot of drastic things in order to lose weight- all which have failed. I gained four pounds on weight watchers online [don't ask me how]. And I've lost around 14 pounds on HCG, then gained 4 more pounds back after binging all weekend long.
Hmmmmmm...
sounds like the same old cycle, huh?
Restrict, binge, try a new diet, fail, spend $400 on more diet stuff, lose a few pounds, gain some back- this all ends in total frustration and I'm left feeling stuck.
So here's my question: how am I supposed to lose weight without going on a diet?
I know I've lost weight before- a dangerous amount of weight. And living the anorexic lifestyle was a living hell for me...
BUT I WANT TO LOSE WIGHT SOOOOOOOO BAD. I can't even express to you how I long to be skinny again. I sometimes cry myself to sleep over mourning my old, beautiful body, a body I spent years sculpting and punishing until it was finally perfect.
I miss walking through the mall and getting double takes, or having a guy insist he help me out with my groceries. I miss the giddy feeling all the attention brought me. I miss being able to fit into whatever I wanted, not having to worry if a skirt was too tight or if I wouldn't be able to button a pair of jeans all the way.
I'm tired about worrying about food, and my weight. Will this ever end?"
I had been crying out to the Lord about my food worries, asking Him if I will ever be able to eat like a normal person.
The Lord knew just how to reach me.
My mom had been packing up her library, when I stumbled upon a book called, The Weigh Down Diet. My first thought was, "Oh boy! A diet book!" But when I read the back, I discovered that it was a Christian book. Not only that, but the main focus of the book was to break the bondage of dieting for good!
I immediately dove into the first chapter. The book is written and narrated by a cute southern woman named Gwen Shamblin. Gwen started out by sharing her story about being consumed by diets, weight worries, and food. She was even a licensed dietition and she still struggled with her weight! She then started to share how the Lord set her free. The answers were not in the man-made dietary rules, but in the Bible! There are so many food related verses in the Bible, and they are there to set us free! One verse even says that no food is "unclean," so I shouldn't worry if a food is a non-diet food; if it's what my body is calling for, then I should let my body have it.
People who have applied the Bible-based principles of this book to their lives have lost a tremendous amount of weight, and have been restored to a healthy, natural weight. They are simply eating the way God intended for us all to eat.
God designed my body (Psalm 135), so I can trust that it will let me know when to eat, what to eat, and how much to eat.
I'm also learning to discern between heart/head hunger, and true stomach hunger. Only God can satisfy the hunger and longing for comfort in my heart- comfort food can't really comfort, in the end, we just want more.
Food doesn't go to the heart, it just gos to the stomach.
I've learned that I've made food an idol in my life. I've run to food, I've worried about food, I've been per-occupied with food. I've depended on food and diets instead of depending on God.
I'm halfway through the book, and I'm sure God has much more to show me.
A week ago, my dad and I talked about and prayed through a hurt that happened to me after my freshman year of high school. This hurt was a root of a lot of rejection and fear- fear that I would never be good enough for any guy. I had never told anyone about this hurt, and my dad was the perfect person to open up to. I told him how I feared I would never find a husband because there are girls out there that are skinnier than me, more outgoing than me, and prettier than me.
My dad assured me that my future husband is going to love ME because I'm ME. He's gonna be head over heals for me, and I will be more than beautiful enough for him. My dad let me cry on his shoulder as he prayed for me- he cried too! I finally let out the hurt and pain I had been storing up for years, and I suddenly felt a strong resolve come over me. "I'll be right back, there's something I have to do,"I said as I ran to my room. I swung open my closet doors and grabbed bottle after bottle of diet liquid, and diet pills. "No more bondage!" I yelled. I dumped the contents of every single bottle down the toilet, hit flush a few times, then ran out into the pouring rain to smash the bottles in the dumpster.
I wiped my feet on the mat, shut the door behind me and smiled;
"I did it," I whispered.
So, this morning I has a 102 degree fever, and felt like the epitome of CRAP!
Now I'm feeling well enough to sit up and type, but I've still been bed ridden all day.
I'm hoping and praying that I feel ok enough to see the Twilight Breaking Dawn premier tonight- I had my tickets bought waaaayyyyyy ahead of time. Maybe I'll just wrap up in a couple blankets and hide a thermos of tea and honey in my purse. I CANT MISS BREAKING DAWN, PART ONE!!!!!!
Hey, all you Twilight haters out there...QUIT HATING!!!!!
You simply don't appreciate the beauty of a vampire, human, werewolf love triangle!
Ok, off the Twilight subject for now. I've gained a whole new perspective on my eating, and it's been super freeing! Ready for it? Here it is:
Eat when you're hungry, and stop when you're full.
Now, for those of you who have always eaten normally, you may be thinking "DUH!"
But this is totally new for me. I've been dieting [eating according to man-made rules] for years and years and years! To hear that I could eat what my body wants- even if its a slice of pizza or a peanut butter and honey sandwich- is astounding to me! It's the real way of eating; listening to my body, feeding it what it needs, and stopping when it's full.
I haven't been eating according to my bodies cues, I've been eating according to rules, rules, and more rules.
Here's the rule I followed when I was five: you must hide your food so it looks like you finished your meal. You are only a "good-girl" if you eat all your food.
Here's the rule I followed when I was a pre-teen: Get the food while you can, because there may not be any left later. Take as much food as you can before your dad and your brothers do! Use your survival instincts! In this house, you snooze, you lose!
Here are the rules I followed in highschool: You must only eat a yogurt and rice cake snacks for lunch. You may not eat between the hours of 2pm and 5pm, or you will gain weight. No carbs at dinner- you will gain weight. If you binge, you may not eat lunch for an entire week, only tea. If you cheat, no eating for the next three days!
The rules got more and more strict: You may not skip a workout. You must run three miles a day and tone a major muscle group or your metabolism may slow down. You may not consume a carbohydrate of any kind; breads and pastas are strictly off limits. You must eliminate all types of fat in your diet. Fats make you fat. No eating after 7pm. Sweets, and sugars are forbidden. If you gain weight, you are a failure.
How miserable do these rules sound? My life revolved around Anorexic rules, diet rules, workout regimens, health rules...no wonder I had a nervous break down!
Mercy Ministries helped me eliminate these dieting rituals...but we still ate according to the clock, and what health professionals had to say. And let me tell you, we girls at Mercy had to go by a LOT of food rules.
Here are some of the Mercy food rules: You must have a serving of vegetables or fruit [it later evolved to 2 servings]. You must have a palm size of protein- no more, no less! You may have one icecream scoop of rice or mashed potatoes. You may not skip a food group! You may only have sweets on the weekend, or cake when there is a birthday. You may have a maximum of 10oz of frozen yogurt at the mall.
Girls with an anorexic background had to be especially monitored. We HAD to eat every scrap of food on our plates, and we were forced to eat when we were not hungry [required snack] between meals, or we would receive a discipline- an extra chore during the week.
Yes, Mercy Ministries and their counseling program helped me immensely, but the program did not set me up for a life of normal, rule-free eating. At Mercy, I was trained to eat everything on my plate, even if I was beyond full; I was trained to eat between meals, and to eat according to the clock, not according to my stomach.
I left Mercy still a bit confused about how to eat like a normal human being.
A few months after my Mercy graduation, I fell back into diet rules and regulations, restricting carbs and stuffing myself with veggies and fruit. Eventually my body cried out for the fat, sugar, and carbs that I had deprived it of, and I went into full on binge-mode.
The binge/restrict cycle began again...and this time I was overweight vs. underweight, so my self hatred grew even more.
This is from a post a few weeks ago; I never published it, so it was saved as a draft. This shows where my mindset was and how frustrated dieting had made me.
"Hey everyone!
So the past couple of weeks, I have not been in close communication with many of my accountability peeps. This has really caused me to try a lot of drastic things in order to lose weight- all which have failed. I gained four pounds on weight watchers online [don't ask me how]. And I've lost around 14 pounds on HCG, then gained 4 more pounds back after binging all weekend long.
Hmmmmmm...
sounds like the same old cycle, huh?
Restrict, binge, try a new diet, fail, spend $400 on more diet stuff, lose a few pounds, gain some back- this all ends in total frustration and I'm left feeling stuck.
So here's my question: how am I supposed to lose weight without going on a diet?
I know I've lost weight before- a dangerous amount of weight. And living the anorexic lifestyle was a living hell for me...
BUT I WANT TO LOSE WIGHT SOOOOOOOO BAD. I can't even express to you how I long to be skinny again. I sometimes cry myself to sleep over mourning my old, beautiful body, a body I spent years sculpting and punishing until it was finally perfect.
I miss walking through the mall and getting double takes, or having a guy insist he help me out with my groceries. I miss the giddy feeling all the attention brought me. I miss being able to fit into whatever I wanted, not having to worry if a skirt was too tight or if I wouldn't be able to button a pair of jeans all the way.
I'm tired about worrying about food, and my weight. Will this ever end?"
I had been crying out to the Lord about my food worries, asking Him if I will ever be able to eat like a normal person.
The Lord knew just how to reach me.
My mom had been packing up her library, when I stumbled upon a book called, The Weigh Down Diet. My first thought was, "Oh boy! A diet book!" But when I read the back, I discovered that it was a Christian book. Not only that, but the main focus of the book was to break the bondage of dieting for good!
I immediately dove into the first chapter. The book is written and narrated by a cute southern woman named Gwen Shamblin. Gwen started out by sharing her story about being consumed by diets, weight worries, and food. She was even a licensed dietition and she still struggled with her weight! She then started to share how the Lord set her free. The answers were not in the man-made dietary rules, but in the Bible! There are so many food related verses in the Bible, and they are there to set us free! One verse even says that no food is "unclean," so I shouldn't worry if a food is a non-diet food; if it's what my body is calling for, then I should let my body have it.
People who have applied the Bible-based principles of this book to their lives have lost a tremendous amount of weight, and have been restored to a healthy, natural weight. They are simply eating the way God intended for us all to eat.
God designed my body (Psalm 135), so I can trust that it will let me know when to eat, what to eat, and how much to eat.
I'm also learning to discern between heart/head hunger, and true stomach hunger. Only God can satisfy the hunger and longing for comfort in my heart- comfort food can't really comfort, in the end, we just want more.
Food doesn't go to the heart, it just gos to the stomach.
I've learned that I've made food an idol in my life. I've run to food, I've worried about food, I've been per-occupied with food. I've depended on food and diets instead of depending on God.
I'm halfway through the book, and I'm sure God has much more to show me.
A week ago, my dad and I talked about and prayed through a hurt that happened to me after my freshman year of high school. This hurt was a root of a lot of rejection and fear- fear that I would never be good enough for any guy. I had never told anyone about this hurt, and my dad was the perfect person to open up to. I told him how I feared I would never find a husband because there are girls out there that are skinnier than me, more outgoing than me, and prettier than me.
My dad assured me that my future husband is going to love ME because I'm ME. He's gonna be head over heals for me, and I will be more than beautiful enough for him. My dad let me cry on his shoulder as he prayed for me- he cried too! I finally let out the hurt and pain I had been storing up for years, and I suddenly felt a strong resolve come over me. "I'll be right back, there's something I have to do,"I said as I ran to my room. I swung open my closet doors and grabbed bottle after bottle of diet liquid, and diet pills. "No more bondage!" I yelled. I dumped the contents of every single bottle down the toilet, hit flush a few times, then ran out into the pouring rain to smash the bottles in the dumpster.
I wiped my feet on the mat, shut the door behind me and smiled;
"I did it," I whispered.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Giving Up Control
Hi everyone!
So, my last post was a bit dark; but I'm happy to say that things are looking up.
Life has been so CRAZY! During the last few months, I've had to deal with losing our house, and my family not being able to make ends meet.
I immediately tried to take matters into my own hands, thinking if my parents can't get us out of this mess, then I guess its up to me.
I started a skincare business with Arbonne International. While things are going well with the business, I hadn't realized all the work and stress that would come along with starting something so new and foreign to me as a job in sales and network marketing.
Let me tell you, selling makeup and skincare in NOT as simple as it sounds...and definitely not as easy.
I went into the company thinking I would be able to move up right away; after all, my up-line made it sound so easy. What she didn't mention was all the phone calls I would have to make.
PHONE CALLS?
I HATE talking to people on the phone. It's my WORST fear!
And that's what most of this business is: making phone calls in order to book parties, place orders, follow up with clients, and tell people about the business opportunities.
In order to move up in this business, I would have to be on the phone 24/7. I would never be able to leave work! That's the problem I have with home-based businesses- when I'm at home, I'm at work! How miserable is that?
So yeah, I've found a way to make Arbonne totally fun and enjoyable now: Parties!!! I set up all my beautiful make up and skincare products at a hostess's house, do a product demo, get orders, and make a profit off the sales from the party. That's simple enough for me to still be enjoyable.
Anything else, I'm crossing the line! No more sitting at a booth for hours, just to get a couple phone numbers of "possible" clients who "might" be interested. That kind of thing is not for me! Making phone calls to almost complete strangers, then getting hung up on...yeah, not for me.
Ok, enough about the Arbonne Biz.
So I've been under HUGE stress and constant worry about our house and finances. Since the house thing is something that I can't help, I suddenly felt like my world was falling apart. If it had been my fault, I actually would have felt better about it.
But it's nothing I did, and now there's nothing I can do.
Isn't that the worst feeling in the world?!
I've spent the last 3 months feeling completely helpless, and out of control.
I wanted to take back control SO bad! I wanted to make everything alright. I wanted to put our family back together. I wanted to save our house, somehow, some way. I wanted to fix it all.
I didn't want change to happen.
...But God did.
He knew if we stayed where we were, we would be stuck, both financially and spiritually. My dad and I would be frantically trying our hardest to make money in a place where opportunity is slim. My mom would be stuck working her stressful sales job, while my brothers are lonely doing school at home. And we would be living in a town that I really didn't like to begin with.
And I didn't want change...
Change can be the best, yet scariest thing in the world.
When I was a little girl, someone asked me if I would rather be blind or deaf. I anwered, "I would much rather be deaf, that way I could at least see where I'm going."
I guess I've always felt like I needed to see exactly where I was going, and where life was taking me next; never wanting to close my eyes, afraid I might lose sight of what's ahead.
But sometimes, it's best to be that blind girl- to close my analytical eyes, and to open my ears to what God has to say.
"You don't have to worry about your future, Rachelle. You don't have to see everything to believe that what I have for you is good. You don't have to bend the road, it's already perfect. Trust Me. Follow Me blind, it's more of an adventure that way. Follow my voice, not your eyes."
He's leading me to some pretty wild places, places I would never think of on my own; but that's exactly how He works. When I give control to Him, He takes me farther than i could imagine, deeper than I could ever dream, and higher than what would ever seem possible.
To be continued...
So, my last post was a bit dark; but I'm happy to say that things are looking up.
Life has been so CRAZY! During the last few months, I've had to deal with losing our house, and my family not being able to make ends meet.
I immediately tried to take matters into my own hands, thinking if my parents can't get us out of this mess, then I guess its up to me.
I started a skincare business with Arbonne International. While things are going well with the business, I hadn't realized all the work and stress that would come along with starting something so new and foreign to me as a job in sales and network marketing.
Let me tell you, selling makeup and skincare in NOT as simple as it sounds...and definitely not as easy.
I went into the company thinking I would be able to move up right away; after all, my up-line made it sound so easy. What she didn't mention was all the phone calls I would have to make.
PHONE CALLS?
I HATE talking to people on the phone. It's my WORST fear!
And that's what most of this business is: making phone calls in order to book parties, place orders, follow up with clients, and tell people about the business opportunities.
In order to move up in this business, I would have to be on the phone 24/7. I would never be able to leave work! That's the problem I have with home-based businesses- when I'm at home, I'm at work! How miserable is that?
So yeah, I've found a way to make Arbonne totally fun and enjoyable now: Parties!!! I set up all my beautiful make up and skincare products at a hostess's house, do a product demo, get orders, and make a profit off the sales from the party. That's simple enough for me to still be enjoyable.
Anything else, I'm crossing the line! No more sitting at a booth for hours, just to get a couple phone numbers of "possible" clients who "might" be interested. That kind of thing is not for me! Making phone calls to almost complete strangers, then getting hung up on...yeah, not for me.
Ok, enough about the Arbonne Biz.
So I've been under HUGE stress and constant worry about our house and finances. Since the house thing is something that I can't help, I suddenly felt like my world was falling apart. If it had been my fault, I actually would have felt better about it.
But it's nothing I did, and now there's nothing I can do.
Isn't that the worst feeling in the world?!
I've spent the last 3 months feeling completely helpless, and out of control.
I wanted to take back control SO bad! I wanted to make everything alright. I wanted to put our family back together. I wanted to save our house, somehow, some way. I wanted to fix it all.
I didn't want change to happen.
...But God did.
He knew if we stayed where we were, we would be stuck, both financially and spiritually. My dad and I would be frantically trying our hardest to make money in a place where opportunity is slim. My mom would be stuck working her stressful sales job, while my brothers are lonely doing school at home. And we would be living in a town that I really didn't like to begin with.
And I didn't want change...
Change can be the best, yet scariest thing in the world.
When I was a little girl, someone asked me if I would rather be blind or deaf. I anwered, "I would much rather be deaf, that way I could at least see where I'm going."
I guess I've always felt like I needed to see exactly where I was going, and where life was taking me next; never wanting to close my eyes, afraid I might lose sight of what's ahead.
But sometimes, it's best to be that blind girl- to close my analytical eyes, and to open my ears to what God has to say.
"You don't have to worry about your future, Rachelle. You don't have to see everything to believe that what I have for you is good. You don't have to bend the road, it's already perfect. Trust Me. Follow Me blind, it's more of an adventure that way. Follow my voice, not your eyes."
He's leading me to some pretty wild places, places I would never think of on my own; but that's exactly how He works. When I give control to Him, He takes me farther than i could imagine, deeper than I could ever dream, and higher than what would ever seem possible.
To be continued...
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Does it ever end?
I can't tell you how discouraged I am right now.
How could I go back when I promised myself, my family, and God that I wouldn't?
So I went back...waaayyyyy back, so far back that I can't give details (though previous posts have been rather graphic). It's shameful to think that so many young ladies look up to me now, and here I am back in that hideous binge/purge/diet/restrict pattern again.
I'm stuck.
I need help.
I'm not hiding anymore.
No more secrets, no more lies, no more deception.
I want this to end once and for all!
I need God to come to my rescue; I need friends to stand by my side; I need family to support and encourage me; and I know it all starts with me reaching out for help.
So, this is me reaching out for help.
There has got to be a miracle out there for me- that's what it's gonna take to get me out of the deepest pit I've ever been in.
"But when [Rachelle] cried out to the Lord for help, the Lord raised up a rescuer to save [her]." Judges 3:9
How could I go back when I promised myself, my family, and God that I wouldn't?
So I went back...waaayyyyy back, so far back that I can't give details (though previous posts have been rather graphic). It's shameful to think that so many young ladies look up to me now, and here I am back in that hideous binge/purge/diet/restrict pattern again.
I'm stuck.
I need help.
I'm not hiding anymore.
No more secrets, no more lies, no more deception.
I want this to end once and for all!
I need God to come to my rescue; I need friends to stand by my side; I need family to support and encourage me; and I know it all starts with me reaching out for help.
So, this is me reaching out for help.
There has got to be a miracle out there for me- that's what it's gonna take to get me out of the deepest pit I've ever been in.
"But when [Rachelle] cried out to the Lord for help, the Lord raised up a rescuer to save [her]." Judges 3:9
Monday, May 30, 2011
Vacation Blues
Grrrrrr!!!!
Why do I binge every time I go on vacation???!!!
Yeah, so as you all have noticed...I LOVE FOOD!
And vacation food is just ohhhhh soooooo tempting and yummy. I think most people struggle with over eating when they go on vay-cay, but I take it much more seriously. I know all the physiological and emotional issues behind over eating and binging, yet I still do it. It FEELS good.
...and now, I feel gross.
but good news: no purging or laxatives were involved; just a whole lot of chocolate, ice cream and french fries.
Can I be honest with all 'yall?
I feel just about as chubby, fat, and unattractive as I did three years ago, before I went all crazy with the weight loss programs and all that crap.
I don't- I repeat- don't want to fall back into that cycle. I hated dieting, restricting, and the constant worry of gaining weight. I hate the weight, size, and shape I am now; but I can't do anything about it without going back down that road again. I'm caught between a crappy rock and a hard place, dang it!
I just wanna be thin again!!!!!!!!!!
But then I must wonder...why??? Why do I want desperately to be thin again? Why is that suddenly my goal in life?
Man, it's soooo easy to put my security in my outward appearance rather than who God says I am. And here's why: people can make judgements based on appearance right off the bat. They can say, "oh, she's beautiful so she's valuable."
Oh! More wrong thinking! Again, I'm letting others determine my value when that's been God's job all along.
It's that dumb cycle again. I get thin, people approve of me, they value me, I suddenly feel valued, and my worth and value is based on my appearance.
I know it's wrong!!! I know it, I know it, I know it! That's why I'm taking the time to write out my thought patterns tonight- so I can identify where my thinking is warped. It all starts when I let others put a price tag on me. I can't let others determine my worth and value! My value is in who I am in Christ, not who the world says I am...the world gets it wrong every time! The world says, "Rachelle has chubby thighs and saddle bags, so she's not worth anything," or, "Rachelle isn't nearly as outgoing and bubbly as she should be, so she's not as valuable as the other girls."
Yeah, those of you who know me may be thinking, oh, but I've always valued Rachelle! (at least that's my hope...)
But the rest of the world probably finds me inferior next to most girls.
Hold a picture of my hips and thighs next to a photo of Megan Fox and one word comes to mind: INFERIOR!
Compare my personality to the rest of my friends and you'll know what I mean: Hmmmm, how should we describe Rachelle? Boring, shy, quiet, not talkative enough.
So the world is hard on girls like me. And that's why I can't let the world tell me how valuable I am- there just gonna tell me a big fat lie!
How do I know the world is lying?
Because God says otherwise!!! His Word is the Truth! He tells me in His Word that I am loved and beautiful, and there is no flaw in me! (Song of Solomon 4:7)
He says I am of great worth and value, and that I am a masterpiece! (Ephesians 2:10)
So yes, I'm probably the heaviest weight I've been in my entire life, but that doesn't change my TRUE worth or my value (yes, it certainly changes my value in the world's eyes- we can't deny that). But the world does not have the right to steal my joy, my happiness, and my confidence. I am confident in Christ and who God has made me! I refuse to base my identity on my outward appearance and my weight!
...my weight may go up and down, but my worth and value stays always the same.
~For all the daughters of The King:
Proverbs 31
A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman (that's us!!!)-She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls...Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised! (Yay!)
-Amplified Bible
Why do I binge every time I go on vacation???!!!
Yeah, so as you all have noticed...I LOVE FOOD!
And vacation food is just ohhhhh soooooo tempting and yummy. I think most people struggle with over eating when they go on vay-cay, but I take it much more seriously. I know all the physiological and emotional issues behind over eating and binging, yet I still do it. It FEELS good.
...and now, I feel gross.
but good news: no purging or laxatives were involved; just a whole lot of chocolate, ice cream and french fries.
Can I be honest with all 'yall?
I feel just about as chubby, fat, and unattractive as I did three years ago, before I went all crazy with the weight loss programs and all that crap.
I don't- I repeat- don't want to fall back into that cycle. I hated dieting, restricting, and the constant worry of gaining weight. I hate the weight, size, and shape I am now; but I can't do anything about it without going back down that road again. I'm caught between a crappy rock and a hard place, dang it!
I just wanna be thin again!!!!!!!!!!
But then I must wonder...why??? Why do I want desperately to be thin again? Why is that suddenly my goal in life?
Man, it's soooo easy to put my security in my outward appearance rather than who God says I am. And here's why: people can make judgements based on appearance right off the bat. They can say, "oh, she's beautiful so she's valuable."
Oh! More wrong thinking! Again, I'm letting others determine my value when that's been God's job all along.
It's that dumb cycle again. I get thin, people approve of me, they value me, I suddenly feel valued, and my worth and value is based on my appearance.
I know it's wrong!!! I know it, I know it, I know it! That's why I'm taking the time to write out my thought patterns tonight- so I can identify where my thinking is warped. It all starts when I let others put a price tag on me. I can't let others determine my worth and value! My value is in who I am in Christ, not who the world says I am...the world gets it wrong every time! The world says, "Rachelle has chubby thighs and saddle bags, so she's not worth anything," or, "Rachelle isn't nearly as outgoing and bubbly as she should be, so she's not as valuable as the other girls."
Yeah, those of you who know me may be thinking, oh, but I've always valued Rachelle! (at least that's my hope...)
But the rest of the world probably finds me inferior next to most girls.
Hold a picture of my hips and thighs next to a photo of Megan Fox and one word comes to mind: INFERIOR!
Compare my personality to the rest of my friends and you'll know what I mean: Hmmmm, how should we describe Rachelle? Boring, shy, quiet, not talkative enough.
So the world is hard on girls like me. And that's why I can't let the world tell me how valuable I am- there just gonna tell me a big fat lie!
How do I know the world is lying?
Because God says otherwise!!! His Word is the Truth! He tells me in His Word that I am loved and beautiful, and there is no flaw in me! (Song of Solomon 4:7)
He says I am of great worth and value, and that I am a masterpiece! (Ephesians 2:10)
So yes, I'm probably the heaviest weight I've been in my entire life, but that doesn't change my TRUE worth or my value (yes, it certainly changes my value in the world's eyes- we can't deny that). But the world does not have the right to steal my joy, my happiness, and my confidence. I am confident in Christ and who God has made me! I refuse to base my identity on my outward appearance and my weight!
...my weight may go up and down, but my worth and value stays always the same.
~For all the daughters of The King:
Proverbs 31
A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman (that's us!!!)-She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls...Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised! (Yay!)
-Amplified Bible
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Blessing vs. Cursing
Hey everyone!
I've been praying and fasting for almost a week straight now (and when I say fasting, I don't necessarily mean food, but worldly influences and things that would draw me away from the Lord),and the Lord has already shown me some "whys" concerning the pain in my heart. He's shown me why unforgiveness creates such a freakin' deep hole in our souls!
Take a moment to think about unforgiveness...
now, think about what you think when harboring unforgiveness toward someone...
Let's say I can't forgive someone (well, I always can...but say I just don't want to), the thoughts that I have toward that person aren't positive. In fact, unforgiveness causes me to wish harm or misfortune upon those I chose not to forgive. I may think, "I hope they get what they deserve," or, "I hope ____ would happen to them." These are thoughts of revenge and payback for what these people did to me.
A few days ago, I was worshiping in my bathroom while putting on my makeup (Shout out to Bare Minerals! *Whoop Whoop!*), when the Lord spoke to my heart. He prompted me to start blessing people.
I thought, OK...where are you going with this Lord???
Instantly, the Lord put two people in my mind- two guys who had hurt me, and who I thought I had already forgiven. Then I started resisting; I didn't want to bless these people, they had HURT me!!!
That's when the realization smacked me in the head: I still hadn't forgiven them; I didn't want them to be blessed. In fact I wanted quite the opposite- but I'll get to that in a minute...
So I started blessing these guys. I spoke a blessing out loud, a blessing of life, prosperity, and abundance. I suddenly felt something in me change! I felt God doing a work in my soul as I spoke that blessing! That hole in my heart from being rejected by those boys was being "bound up" and healed! (Psalm 147:3)
The Lord then began to show me that holding unforgiveness had the opposite effect of speaking blessings. What's the opposite of a blessing???
A CURSE.
I thought, whoa God! Cursing? Really? That's so...out there, like in the witchcraft category.
But, again, when we don't want to forgive someone, deep down inside we hope that something awful would happen to them- something to get them back for the pain they caused us.
So this afternoon, I looked up the definition for the word "curse," and what I found just about floored me!
Ready?
Curse
noun /kərs/
curses, plural
1. A solemn utterance intended to invoke a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on someone or something
2. A cause of harm or misery
3. An offensive word or phrase used to express anger or annoyance
Whoa! Pretty intense stuff, right?
Take a good look at that first definition and think back to a time when you harbored unforgiveness against someone. Can you remember making any "solemn utterances?" Something like, "I can't believe they did that to me," or, "I never want to talk to her again after what she said."
I sure can recall my fair share of these solemn utterances. And they don't even have to be out loud! I remember something Joyce Meyer said in one of her teachings: "If it's going on in your mind, then it's going on!"
We may not realize it, but we curse people in our own heads. We wish harm upon them in our minds. I know I've told myself, "but I don't really wish that for them." But the truth is: Thoughts are real! If I wish it in my mind, then I really do wish it!
Let's take the supernatural part of that definition; it says our utterances intend to invoke a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on someone. Now, not everyone who holds unforgiveness believes in a supernatural power, because not everyone in the world is spiritual or religious. But, your average American does believe in fate, chance, or luck. So, an unbeliever would want fate to turn against that person who had hurt him. Anyone who holds unforgiveness wishes some higher power would punish those who did them wrong. That's the nature of a curse.
So here's were it gets a little interesting:
Since curses involve the supernatural, unforgiveness suddenly opens the door to the (you guessed it) supernatural! And, since there are only two powers in the supernatural realm- the Heavenly and the Demonic- guess what force is backing the curses we utter in our minds...the DEMONIC!
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
oh, wait, don't get too scared now =] Because greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world! (1 John 4:4) -That's my comfort scripture =]
Ok, so the curses in our minds open the door to the demonic and give demonic forces a right to affect our minds; and our minds are a part of our soul! Curses allow the devil to create wounds in our souls! This is why unforgiveness is sooooooo nasty! It attracts evil like a magnet.
But there's super awesome good news!!!! Guess what attracts heavenly power???
BLESSINGS!!!!! Yay!
Check it out: our blessings allow the Lord's power to come and heal up those wounds that our unforgiveness caused! We wish good upon those who have hurt us instead of wishing harm, and suddenly that good begins to permeate our hearts. Try to picture the angles in heaven when they suddenly hear us uttering blessings instead of curses; they would say, "Yes! She opened the door for us to minister to her! Now the Holy Spirit can come in, do His thing, and heal her broken heart!"
Not only that, but the power that is backing our blessings is MUCH greater than the power backing our curses. This means that the Holy Spirit is also driving away the demonic when we speak blessings! Those dumb demons will run off with their tails between their legs when we start blessing those who have hurt us.
So we've basically covered the first two deffinitions; but I want to make a point about the last one. A swear word is often called a curse. Why do we yell curse words? To express Anger!!! Grrrrr!!! "&%#$!" "$%&#!" "@%#$!"
Anger often accompanies unforgivess. I remember being soooooo angry about being ignored by those two guys. I remember thinking, "How could he ignore me after being so infatuated with me earlier? How dare he give all his attention to that other girl! I've worked way too hard on this body to go unnoticed!" My anger welled up more and more, and the curses started to flow in the dialogue of my mind: I hope he has a miserable life! I hope he crashes in that stupid car as he drives away without saying goodbye! That jerk!
Anger and unforgiveness go hand in hand.
I want to share a story with you about the unforgiveness I held against my brother as a child. I convinced myself that I hated my bother when I was young. Being autistic, he demanded most of my mother's attention, and I often felt alone, unwanted, and unimportant. I would lash out at him in physical violence, kicking, elbowing, tripping, punching, jabbing- anything to stop him from stealing my mother away. Not only was I physically abusive towards him, but I was also verbally abusive. I remember poking my head into his room and muttering under my breath, "I hate you," trying to make the words sound as sinister as possible (of course, how sinister could a seven year old little girl sound?).
I held deep unforgiveness toward my brother and cursed him practically every day of my young life; you can imagine the festering wound this created in my heart.
Working through this issue with my counselor at Mercy was the greatest breakthrough I experienced. I lifted my hurt and my pain to the Lord and asked Him to forgive me for being abusive toward my brother, and I also forgave my brother for the hurt he caused me, knowing that he didn't intend to hurt me at all. I forgave my mother for leaving me on my own as a child- this too was not intended, and I forgave her for the emotional pain this left.
Then, the Lord gave me a vision, a vision more beautiful than I could have ever imagined:
As soon as I was done praying, the Lord gave me a picture of my mom in the hospital. She was crying with her forhead resting against the glass of an incubator...and I was inside. I could see I was hooked up to a bunch of wires and monitors, and I could hear the sounds of the machines beeping along with my mother's sobs. The Lord spoke to me then and said, "Rachelle, she wants you." I was suddenly shown another picture of my Mom with tears streaming down her face, holding me tightly, rocking me back and forth while I was still hooked up to the machines; I could even see the iv in my head. The Lord spoke to my heart again, "You're mother is scared, Rachelle; she's afraid she'll loose you. She wants you to live; she values your life. Your mother loves you, SHE WANTS YOU!"
When the vision was over, I burst out in hysteric sobs. I told my counselor how I had been born 2 months early, and had a very slim chance of surviving. I couldn't imagine how terrified my mother could have been during this time, but the Lord let me know that she certainly didn't want to let me go.
This vision erased all the lies about being unloved, unwanted, and unimportant as a child. My mom does love me, she does value me, and she WANTS me!
I wanted to use that story to illustrate the power of forgiveness, and blessing. I had to make a deliberate choice to bless my brother and my mom, and the pain in my heart made it the more difficult choice; but choosing to bless instead of curse allows the Lord to work in wonderful, marvelous, and mighty ways.
"I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live
and may love the Lord your God, obey His voice, and cling to Him."
Deuteronomy 30:19-20 (Amplified Bible)
I've been praying and fasting for almost a week straight now (and when I say fasting, I don't necessarily mean food, but worldly influences and things that would draw me away from the Lord),and the Lord has already shown me some "whys" concerning the pain in my heart. He's shown me why unforgiveness creates such a freakin' deep hole in our souls!
Take a moment to think about unforgiveness...
now, think about what you think when harboring unforgiveness toward someone...
Let's say I can't forgive someone (well, I always can...but say I just don't want to), the thoughts that I have toward that person aren't positive. In fact, unforgiveness causes me to wish harm or misfortune upon those I chose not to forgive. I may think, "I hope they get what they deserve," or, "I hope ____ would happen to them." These are thoughts of revenge and payback for what these people did to me.
A few days ago, I was worshiping in my bathroom while putting on my makeup (Shout out to Bare Minerals! *Whoop Whoop!*), when the Lord spoke to my heart. He prompted me to start blessing people.
I thought, OK...where are you going with this Lord???
Instantly, the Lord put two people in my mind- two guys who had hurt me, and who I thought I had already forgiven. Then I started resisting; I didn't want to bless these people, they had HURT me!!!
That's when the realization smacked me in the head: I still hadn't forgiven them; I didn't want them to be blessed. In fact I wanted quite the opposite- but I'll get to that in a minute...
So I started blessing these guys. I spoke a blessing out loud, a blessing of life, prosperity, and abundance. I suddenly felt something in me change! I felt God doing a work in my soul as I spoke that blessing! That hole in my heart from being rejected by those boys was being "bound up" and healed! (Psalm 147:3)
The Lord then began to show me that holding unforgiveness had the opposite effect of speaking blessings. What's the opposite of a blessing???
A CURSE.
I thought, whoa God! Cursing? Really? That's so...out there, like in the witchcraft category.
But, again, when we don't want to forgive someone, deep down inside we hope that something awful would happen to them- something to get them back for the pain they caused us.
So this afternoon, I looked up the definition for the word "curse," and what I found just about floored me!
Ready?
Curse
noun /kərs/
curses, plural
1. A solemn utterance intended to invoke a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on someone or something
2. A cause of harm or misery
3. An offensive word or phrase used to express anger or annoyance
Whoa! Pretty intense stuff, right?
Take a good look at that first definition and think back to a time when you harbored unforgiveness against someone. Can you remember making any "solemn utterances?" Something like, "I can't believe they did that to me," or, "I never want to talk to her again after what she said."
I sure can recall my fair share of these solemn utterances. And they don't even have to be out loud! I remember something Joyce Meyer said in one of her teachings: "If it's going on in your mind, then it's going on!"
We may not realize it, but we curse people in our own heads. We wish harm upon them in our minds. I know I've told myself, "but I don't really wish that for them." But the truth is: Thoughts are real! If I wish it in my mind, then I really do wish it!
Let's take the supernatural part of that definition; it says our utterances intend to invoke a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on someone. Now, not everyone who holds unforgiveness believes in a supernatural power, because not everyone in the world is spiritual or religious. But, your average American does believe in fate, chance, or luck. So, an unbeliever would want fate to turn against that person who had hurt him. Anyone who holds unforgiveness wishes some higher power would punish those who did them wrong. That's the nature of a curse.
So here's were it gets a little interesting:
Since curses involve the supernatural, unforgiveness suddenly opens the door to the (you guessed it) supernatural! And, since there are only two powers in the supernatural realm- the Heavenly and the Demonic- guess what force is backing the curses we utter in our minds...the DEMONIC!
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
oh, wait, don't get too scared now =] Because greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world! (1 John 4:4) -That's my comfort scripture =]
Ok, so the curses in our minds open the door to the demonic and give demonic forces a right to affect our minds; and our minds are a part of our soul! Curses allow the devil to create wounds in our souls! This is why unforgiveness is sooooooo nasty! It attracts evil like a magnet.
But there's super awesome good news!!!! Guess what attracts heavenly power???
BLESSINGS!!!!! Yay!
Check it out: our blessings allow the Lord's power to come and heal up those wounds that our unforgiveness caused! We wish good upon those who have hurt us instead of wishing harm, and suddenly that good begins to permeate our hearts. Try to picture the angles in heaven when they suddenly hear us uttering blessings instead of curses; they would say, "Yes! She opened the door for us to minister to her! Now the Holy Spirit can come in, do His thing, and heal her broken heart!"
Not only that, but the power that is backing our blessings is MUCH greater than the power backing our curses. This means that the Holy Spirit is also driving away the demonic when we speak blessings! Those dumb demons will run off with their tails between their legs when we start blessing those who have hurt us.
So we've basically covered the first two deffinitions; but I want to make a point about the last one. A swear word is often called a curse. Why do we yell curse words? To express Anger!!! Grrrrr!!! "&%#$!" "$%&#!" "@%#$!"
Anger often accompanies unforgivess. I remember being soooooo angry about being ignored by those two guys. I remember thinking, "How could he ignore me after being so infatuated with me earlier? How dare he give all his attention to that other girl! I've worked way too hard on this body to go unnoticed!" My anger welled up more and more, and the curses started to flow in the dialogue of my mind: I hope he has a miserable life! I hope he crashes in that stupid car as he drives away without saying goodbye! That jerk!
Anger and unforgiveness go hand in hand.
I want to share a story with you about the unforgiveness I held against my brother as a child. I convinced myself that I hated my bother when I was young. Being autistic, he demanded most of my mother's attention, and I often felt alone, unwanted, and unimportant. I would lash out at him in physical violence, kicking, elbowing, tripping, punching, jabbing- anything to stop him from stealing my mother away. Not only was I physically abusive towards him, but I was also verbally abusive. I remember poking my head into his room and muttering under my breath, "I hate you," trying to make the words sound as sinister as possible (of course, how sinister could a seven year old little girl sound?).
I held deep unforgiveness toward my brother and cursed him practically every day of my young life; you can imagine the festering wound this created in my heart.
Working through this issue with my counselor at Mercy was the greatest breakthrough I experienced. I lifted my hurt and my pain to the Lord and asked Him to forgive me for being abusive toward my brother, and I also forgave my brother for the hurt he caused me, knowing that he didn't intend to hurt me at all. I forgave my mother for leaving me on my own as a child- this too was not intended, and I forgave her for the emotional pain this left.
Then, the Lord gave me a vision, a vision more beautiful than I could have ever imagined:
As soon as I was done praying, the Lord gave me a picture of my mom in the hospital. She was crying with her forhead resting against the glass of an incubator...and I was inside. I could see I was hooked up to a bunch of wires and monitors, and I could hear the sounds of the machines beeping along with my mother's sobs. The Lord spoke to me then and said, "Rachelle, she wants you." I was suddenly shown another picture of my Mom with tears streaming down her face, holding me tightly, rocking me back and forth while I was still hooked up to the machines; I could even see the iv in my head. The Lord spoke to my heart again, "You're mother is scared, Rachelle; she's afraid she'll loose you. She wants you to live; she values your life. Your mother loves you, SHE WANTS YOU!"
When the vision was over, I burst out in hysteric sobs. I told my counselor how I had been born 2 months early, and had a very slim chance of surviving. I couldn't imagine how terrified my mother could have been during this time, but the Lord let me know that she certainly didn't want to let me go.
This vision erased all the lies about being unloved, unwanted, and unimportant as a child. My mom does love me, she does value me, and she WANTS me!
I wanted to use that story to illustrate the power of forgiveness, and blessing. I had to make a deliberate choice to bless my brother and my mom, and the pain in my heart made it the more difficult choice; but choosing to bless instead of curse allows the Lord to work in wonderful, marvelous, and mighty ways.
"I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live
and may love the Lord your God, obey His voice, and cling to Him."
Deuteronomy 30:19-20 (Amplified Bible)
Thursday, May 5, 2011
My Achy Breaky Heart
Hey everyone!
It's been a while, huh? And a lot has happened since my last post, but honestly, I'm pretty sure it's all been in my head. Circumstances haven't changed much, but my mindset certainly has.
Luckily, Mercy has trained me to take thoughts captive and turn them around; but I've been a little careless lately, letting old thoughts roll around in my noggin like marbles in one of those collector's tins. (my little bro has one of those on his shelf) =]
What's worse is that I've let these thoughts manifest into words, and eventually, into behaviors.
OK, here's a little peek inside my un-renewed mind.
Ewwwww, my cellulite is back; what has Mercy done to me? Look at me, I'm huge?
or
I wish I had never gone to Mercy in the first place; at least I had the perfect model-sized body; I could have had so many opportunities, but now I'm fat and I can't do anything and will never amount to anything. I'll never be able to have a relationship with these thighs- what a turn-off!
or
Yummmm, that junk food looks sooooo good. I've had a hard day at work; I deserve it more than anyone in this house; I deserve to have it all! I don't care, I'm already fat.
*Food disappears*
Oh crap. Now I'm never going to lose weight; I am such a failure...
*Rachelle spends day sulking*
Yeah, so binging has crept it's way back in through my reckless thought life. I spent 3 solid days binging on whatever I could grab and hide in my room.
And I hated every minute of those 72 hours. I hated how all I cared about was food, and hoping that the pain I was feeling in my heart would finally subside. Food is a temporary remedy for inward pain. A few bites of chocolate, bread, cheese, sugar- what ever kind of food your soul desires- and suddenly the pain is gone. A few more bites, and suddenly the FOOD is gone...and the pain returns with guilt as its new companion.
This is how binging works- we know it, I know it, I've written many times about it in previous posts; yet this behavior still comes back to haunt me.
WHY?!!!
Here's why:
I'm still hurting.
From what?
I really don't know. But my heart still feels like it's aching.
There's a wound deep inside, and I'm subconsciously trying to bind it up with food and achieving a perfect appearance (notice the two don't go together well).
Honestly, I couldn't lose weight even if I tried because, 1- my body is MESSED UP from past behaviors, and 2- my heart hurts too bad.
Can I really give up binge food and give the real Healer a chance?
Duh! It says in His Word that Jesus can bind up all wounds (Psalm 147:3).
I'm tossing out the fatty, carb-laden, sugar-drenched food, and giving Jesus another shot!
Hey, I have nothing left to lose...
except maybe some water-weight.
=]
It's been a while, huh? And a lot has happened since my last post, but honestly, I'm pretty sure it's all been in my head. Circumstances haven't changed much, but my mindset certainly has.
Luckily, Mercy has trained me to take thoughts captive and turn them around; but I've been a little careless lately, letting old thoughts roll around in my noggin like marbles in one of those collector's tins. (my little bro has one of those on his shelf) =]
What's worse is that I've let these thoughts manifest into words, and eventually, into behaviors.
OK, here's a little peek inside my un-renewed mind.
Ewwwww, my cellulite is back; what has Mercy done to me? Look at me, I'm huge?
or
I wish I had never gone to Mercy in the first place; at least I had the perfect model-sized body; I could have had so many opportunities, but now I'm fat and I can't do anything and will never amount to anything. I'll never be able to have a relationship with these thighs- what a turn-off!
or
Yummmm, that junk food looks sooooo good. I've had a hard day at work; I deserve it more than anyone in this house; I deserve to have it all! I don't care, I'm already fat.
*Food disappears*
Oh crap. Now I'm never going to lose weight; I am such a failure...
*Rachelle spends day sulking*
Yeah, so binging has crept it's way back in through my reckless thought life. I spent 3 solid days binging on whatever I could grab and hide in my room.
And I hated every minute of those 72 hours. I hated how all I cared about was food, and hoping that the pain I was feeling in my heart would finally subside. Food is a temporary remedy for inward pain. A few bites of chocolate, bread, cheese, sugar- what ever kind of food your soul desires- and suddenly the pain is gone. A few more bites, and suddenly the FOOD is gone...and the pain returns with guilt as its new companion.
This is how binging works- we know it, I know it, I've written many times about it in previous posts; yet this behavior still comes back to haunt me.
WHY?!!!
Here's why:
I'm still hurting.
From what?
I really don't know. But my heart still feels like it's aching.
There's a wound deep inside, and I'm subconsciously trying to bind it up with food and achieving a perfect appearance (notice the two don't go together well).
Honestly, I couldn't lose weight even if I tried because, 1- my body is MESSED UP from past behaviors, and 2- my heart hurts too bad.
Can I really give up binge food and give the real Healer a chance?
Duh! It says in His Word that Jesus can bind up all wounds (Psalm 147:3).
I'm tossing out the fatty, carb-laden, sugar-drenched food, and giving Jesus another shot!
Hey, I have nothing left to lose...
except maybe some water-weight.
=]
Friday, March 25, 2011
Little Miss Perfect
Hello everyone!
What a perfect day to wrap up in my snuggie and write on my blog. Not only is the weather NASTY out there, but the family bus (aka the 12 year old Ford expedition) has broken down- well, after going to and from South Dakota, LA, Sacramento, Napa Valley, and God knows where else, year after year, road trip after road trip, my motor would probably break down too.
So, many of you know that I am the ultimate perfectionist. I've been this way for practically my whole life. As a little girl, I believed that a good girl was a perfect girl; anything less than perfect was inferior and could not be tolerated. My life was all about the extremes (and I still catch myself when I enter this mindset). If I'm not perfect, then I must be a terrible person, an undeserving person, a person with little worth or value.
LIES!
My worth and value is not based on my performance, dang it! It's based on who God says I am, and who He made me to be! He's the only one who knows my true value; no other person can determine that!
Again, I had to put myself in check yesterday. Let me tell you, being a Starbucks barista is not as glamorous as it looks from a customer's point of view. Yesterday was my first day on the floor without my training coach, and also my first day on the register. I was scared out of my mind, and I probably looked that way too; customers were not afraid to let me know that I was incompetent, slow, and apparently ruining their day. Give me a break! So I couldn't find the freakin' toffee-nut syrup button; you try and work this thing! Just try and ring up a "venti, triple shot, non-fat, no-foam, 4 pumps sugar-free vanilla, 2 splenda, 1 sweet and low, Latte... Oh wait, I think I'm going to indulge- today's my son's birthday, can I get whipped cream on that?"
You see what I mean?
Try a whole impatient line of these demanding customers! And no, they don't want just drinks; they want zucchini muffins, cranberry walnut scones, salted caramel squares, egg and ham breakfast sandwiches- warmed up, but not too warm, old fashioned doughnuts, rocky road cake pops, asiago cheese bagels with 3 extra cream cheese packets (as if they weren't getting enough fat calories already). Oh, and speaking of calories, one girl (who resembled the former, anorexic Rachelle) decided to give me a lecture on why we should carry our peppermint syrup in a sugar free form. "You know, we could be preventing obesity and type 2 diabetes."
Ugh...
In the words of Charlie Brown: "Good Grief!"
There's really no such thing as a perfect customer, and there's really no such thing as a perfect barista either. We all make mistakes, we all drive people a little insane at times, but you know what? It's totally ok. That's what makes Starbucks...well, Starbucks. We don't say to our customers, "Oh, you're high maintenance and annoying, will you please exit through those doors?" NO! We don't turn anyone away (unless he or she is standing there with an AK 47 or a machete in hand). Notice, my shift supervisor didn't steam with anger, or say "Rachelle, you're never going to learn, are you?!" Starbucks encourages grace; I love that! Sure, I'm not the perfect barista, but each shift I learn something new and I get a bit faster, whether the customers or my manager notices it or not.
My value is not changed if I have a hard day at the register, if I cause foam to fly into the air when I'm steaming soy milk, or miss the cinnamon dolce sprinkles on a customers drink. I apologize by saying, "I'm so sorry, can I try again?"
And I try again.
All the while, God is watching me in love.
When I mess up in life and I bring my mistakes to the Lord, He is gracious and merciful. He says, "Thank you for apologizing my child. You are forgiven. Now try again."
He is looking down with a proud smile on His face. "Look at my girl! She's getting back up! She's trying again!
And she's not giving up!"
What a perfect day to wrap up in my snuggie and write on my blog. Not only is the weather NASTY out there, but the family bus (aka the 12 year old Ford expedition) has broken down- well, after going to and from South Dakota, LA, Sacramento, Napa Valley, and God knows where else, year after year, road trip after road trip, my motor would probably break down too.
So, many of you know that I am the ultimate perfectionist. I've been this way for practically my whole life. As a little girl, I believed that a good girl was a perfect girl; anything less than perfect was inferior and could not be tolerated. My life was all about the extremes (and I still catch myself when I enter this mindset). If I'm not perfect, then I must be a terrible person, an undeserving person, a person with little worth or value.
LIES!
My worth and value is not based on my performance, dang it! It's based on who God says I am, and who He made me to be! He's the only one who knows my true value; no other person can determine that!
Again, I had to put myself in check yesterday. Let me tell you, being a Starbucks barista is not as glamorous as it looks from a customer's point of view. Yesterday was my first day on the floor without my training coach, and also my first day on the register. I was scared out of my mind, and I probably looked that way too; customers were not afraid to let me know that I was incompetent, slow, and apparently ruining their day. Give me a break! So I couldn't find the freakin' toffee-nut syrup button; you try and work this thing! Just try and ring up a "venti, triple shot, non-fat, no-foam, 4 pumps sugar-free vanilla, 2 splenda, 1 sweet and low, Latte... Oh wait, I think I'm going to indulge- today's my son's birthday, can I get whipped cream on that?"
You see what I mean?
Try a whole impatient line of these demanding customers! And no, they don't want just drinks; they want zucchini muffins, cranberry walnut scones, salted caramel squares, egg and ham breakfast sandwiches- warmed up, but not too warm, old fashioned doughnuts, rocky road cake pops, asiago cheese bagels with 3 extra cream cheese packets (as if they weren't getting enough fat calories already). Oh, and speaking of calories, one girl (who resembled the former, anorexic Rachelle) decided to give me a lecture on why we should carry our peppermint syrup in a sugar free form. "You know, we could be preventing obesity and type 2 diabetes."
Ugh...
In the words of Charlie Brown: "Good Grief!"
There's really no such thing as a perfect customer, and there's really no such thing as a perfect barista either. We all make mistakes, we all drive people a little insane at times, but you know what? It's totally ok. That's what makes Starbucks...well, Starbucks. We don't say to our customers, "Oh, you're high maintenance and annoying, will you please exit through those doors?" NO! We don't turn anyone away (unless he or she is standing there with an AK 47 or a machete in hand). Notice, my shift supervisor didn't steam with anger, or say "Rachelle, you're never going to learn, are you?!" Starbucks encourages grace; I love that! Sure, I'm not the perfect barista, but each shift I learn something new and I get a bit faster, whether the customers or my manager notices it or not.
My value is not changed if I have a hard day at the register, if I cause foam to fly into the air when I'm steaming soy milk, or miss the cinnamon dolce sprinkles on a customers drink. I apologize by saying, "I'm so sorry, can I try again?"
And I try again.
All the while, God is watching me in love.
When I mess up in life and I bring my mistakes to the Lord, He is gracious and merciful. He says, "Thank you for apologizing my child. You are forgiven. Now try again."
He is looking down with a proud smile on His face. "Look at my girl! She's getting back up! She's trying again!
And she's not giving up!"
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
A Second Chance at Life
Hi, Hi, Hi!
It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted anything...life has just been too dang exciting!!!
Yeah, it's still been a challenge, and I'm still working through some icky stuff, but my God is a God of second chances! I don't have to live my life as a victim, or a failure; instead, I'm a victor and an overcomer!
So, updates- where to begin? Oh, I started my job (Starbucks!), I started driving (I passed my permit test with one wrong answer to spare, haha), and I started my period! As you can imagine, it's been a looooooong time since my body's been healthy enough to go through it's monthly cycle. Yesterday was my first full-on period in years! God totally knows the desires of my heart, and one of those desires is to have children of my own...along with a somkin' hot husband. =]
Ok, Funny Story of the Week:
My stupid idiot of a dog, Frodo, has been driving me insane! He must take the phrase "Mi casa es su casa" literally, because he is not afraid to mark his territory. The foot of my bed is his absolute favorite place to relieve himself, leaving me with a wet, stinky mess and a giant load of laundry...every day! I had had it with this dog; so with a sinister grin on my face, I researched the most humane way to poison a canine. I stumbled upon an article about avocados. Apparently, avocados are toxic to dogs when ingested. PERFECT! There was a plate of sliced avocado in the fridge! Frodo was siting out on the deck, attached to his leash when I brought him his "treats." Frodo, do you like avocado? He sniffed the plate for about two seconds, then lost interest. You really are retarded! Avocado is only the most delicious food on this planet! I tried shoving a slice in his mouth. Eat the dang avocado! ...No luck.
I suddenly remembered Frodo's weakness: cheese! I got out a few string cheeses, four crackers, and mushed the avocado into a green paste. Then, placing my avocado spread and cheese atop the stone wheat crackers, I created Frodo's hors d'oeuvres of death. Without any reluctance, Frodo ate every last crumb.
I went inside to wait out Frodo's fate, hoping whatever happened would be fast and painless. He seemed a bit lethargic and a little out of it, but he certainly didn't seem to be in pain. This just might work... About three hours later, Frodo was lying still in his dog house. DEAR LORD! I actually killed my dog! I was silent the rest of the day, hardly saying a word to anyone. What am I going to tell my family? That I'm a sadistic canine murderer?
Later that evening, I came in the house after a long and vigorous workout to find Frodo alive and well. Either this is a miracle, or I make a crappy killer!
Well, God must have a plan for this pathetic pooch; I guess I'll just have to continue cleaning up pee stains for now.
*Note: If you or someone you know works for the SPCA, please don't report this. I am not a felon, a murderer, or an animal abuser; I am simply an aspiring writer. The events above may have been exaggerated in order to make the story more comical; if you do not enjoy dark humor, then you may not like reading the rest of this blog.
I do not support cruelty to animals, especially cats. I have a kitty whom I love and adore, and I take excellent care of her.
My family has been trying to get rid of Frodo for over a year now, and nobody seems to want this dog. If you would like an insane jack russel terrier who pees and poops on everything in sight, never comes when he is called, and tries to tear other innocent dogs apart...please let me know. No further actions will be taken against this dog, or any other dogs for that matter.
It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted anything...life has just been too dang exciting!!!
Yeah, it's still been a challenge, and I'm still working through some icky stuff, but my God is a God of second chances! I don't have to live my life as a victim, or a failure; instead, I'm a victor and an overcomer!
So, updates- where to begin? Oh, I started my job (Starbucks!), I started driving (I passed my permit test with one wrong answer to spare, haha), and I started my period! As you can imagine, it's been a looooooong time since my body's been healthy enough to go through it's monthly cycle. Yesterday was my first full-on period in years! God totally knows the desires of my heart, and one of those desires is to have children of my own...along with a somkin' hot husband. =]
Ok, Funny Story of the Week:
My stupid idiot of a dog, Frodo, has been driving me insane! He must take the phrase "Mi casa es su casa" literally, because he is not afraid to mark his territory. The foot of my bed is his absolute favorite place to relieve himself, leaving me with a wet, stinky mess and a giant load of laundry...every day! I had had it with this dog; so with a sinister grin on my face, I researched the most humane way to poison a canine. I stumbled upon an article about avocados. Apparently, avocados are toxic to dogs when ingested. PERFECT! There was a plate of sliced avocado in the fridge! Frodo was siting out on the deck, attached to his leash when I brought him his "treats." Frodo, do you like avocado? He sniffed the plate for about two seconds, then lost interest. You really are retarded! Avocado is only the most delicious food on this planet! I tried shoving a slice in his mouth. Eat the dang avocado! ...No luck.
I suddenly remembered Frodo's weakness: cheese! I got out a few string cheeses, four crackers, and mushed the avocado into a green paste. Then, placing my avocado spread and cheese atop the stone wheat crackers, I created Frodo's hors d'oeuvres of death. Without any reluctance, Frodo ate every last crumb.
I went inside to wait out Frodo's fate, hoping whatever happened would be fast and painless. He seemed a bit lethargic and a little out of it, but he certainly didn't seem to be in pain. This just might work... About three hours later, Frodo was lying still in his dog house. DEAR LORD! I actually killed my dog! I was silent the rest of the day, hardly saying a word to anyone. What am I going to tell my family? That I'm a sadistic canine murderer?
Later that evening, I came in the house after a long and vigorous workout to find Frodo alive and well. Either this is a miracle, or I make a crappy killer!
Well, God must have a plan for this pathetic pooch; I guess I'll just have to continue cleaning up pee stains for now.
*Note: If you or someone you know works for the SPCA, please don't report this. I am not a felon, a murderer, or an animal abuser; I am simply an aspiring writer. The events above may have been exaggerated in order to make the story more comical; if you do not enjoy dark humor, then you may not like reading the rest of this blog.
I do not support cruelty to animals, especially cats. I have a kitty whom I love and adore, and I take excellent care of her.
My family has been trying to get rid of Frodo for over a year now, and nobody seems to want this dog. If you would like an insane jack russel terrier who pees and poops on everything in sight, never comes when he is called, and tries to tear other innocent dogs apart...please let me know. No further actions will be taken against this dog, or any other dogs for that matter.
Monday, February 21, 2011
A Mercy Grad!!!
Hello everyone!!!
I'm home for good now!
I've missed being able to write on this blog; I'll still be giving updates on how life is going after Mercy.
Well, so far so good. I've had a bit of trouble settling in. My Uncle Brad and Aunt Emily came from China to stay at my house, along with their 3 rambunctious children, Emily's Dad (who doesn't speak a word of English) and his wife, June, and their son Issac (who acted as an interpreter).
To make matters even more complicated for a former Anorexic, the Yangs- Emily's side of the family- took over the entire kitchen. Rare red meat, greasy fried rice usually accompanied a meal, as well as foreign soup with a disturbing looking broth with oil floating on the surface. You can imagine the time I had trying to adjust after Mercy's fresh and organic menu.
Food aside, Brad, Emily and their children were a delight to be around. Katrina is the youngest of the three (and probably the most adorable little girl on this planet); Lance and Helen are around the same age, and were adopted at birth. This was Helen's first trip to the United States, and she was our little guest of honor; I had never met her in person before! I had seen Lance a few times before, each time he seems to grow more and more charming.
Now normally, kids aren't really my thing, in fact, I tend to avoid them if at all possible. But these kids gravitated towards me- simply put, they adored me!
We had a blast running around Costco, hopping from one sample table to the next, and doing science experiments together (Chinese children are EXTREMELY intelligent!). Lance even gave me a violin lesson, though my form isn't quite as technically correct as his- I swear, this kid is going to be a musical genius! I managed to learn a variation of twinkle twinkle...a very squeaky twinkle twinkle.
Oh my goodness, Katrina is a crack up! My Grandma told me over the phone that Katrina was the ultimate girlie-girl and loooooved dresses. I said, "I have a feeling we're going to get along." I couldn't be more right. The funniest story is probably when her mother dressed her in a navy blue dress. Katrina comes walking into the room, trying to take off the dress while bellowing," It's so ugly! I can't wear this, IT'S UGLY!!!" Well, at least she has an early knowledge of fashion sense- these things are important to learn at a young age. =]
So, at the moment, I'm job hunting like a mad woman (starbucks being my first choice). Pray that I'm hired soon, soon, soon!!!
Now that my house is back to normal, I've been unpacking, reorganizing, and sprucing up my room a bit.
I've had a difficult time staying in the Word as much as I did at Mercy, but prayer is a habit that has really stuck with me. God has given me such a dose of peace concerning this new chapter of my life. His timing is always, always perfect. He has the perfect job lined up, and I have faith that He is saving that position just for me, because He knows where I will be happiest.
I'm home for good now!
I've missed being able to write on this blog; I'll still be giving updates on how life is going after Mercy.
Well, so far so good. I've had a bit of trouble settling in. My Uncle Brad and Aunt Emily came from China to stay at my house, along with their 3 rambunctious children, Emily's Dad (who doesn't speak a word of English) and his wife, June, and their son Issac (who acted as an interpreter).
To make matters even more complicated for a former Anorexic, the Yangs- Emily's side of the family- took over the entire kitchen. Rare red meat, greasy fried rice usually accompanied a meal, as well as foreign soup with a disturbing looking broth with oil floating on the surface. You can imagine the time I had trying to adjust after Mercy's fresh and organic menu.
Food aside, Brad, Emily and their children were a delight to be around. Katrina is the youngest of the three (and probably the most adorable little girl on this planet); Lance and Helen are around the same age, and were adopted at birth. This was Helen's first trip to the United States, and she was our little guest of honor; I had never met her in person before! I had seen Lance a few times before, each time he seems to grow more and more charming.
Now normally, kids aren't really my thing, in fact, I tend to avoid them if at all possible. But these kids gravitated towards me- simply put, they adored me!
We had a blast running around Costco, hopping from one sample table to the next, and doing science experiments together (Chinese children are EXTREMELY intelligent!). Lance even gave me a violin lesson, though my form isn't quite as technically correct as his- I swear, this kid is going to be a musical genius! I managed to learn a variation of twinkle twinkle...a very squeaky twinkle twinkle.
Oh my goodness, Katrina is a crack up! My Grandma told me over the phone that Katrina was the ultimate girlie-girl and loooooved dresses. I said, "I have a feeling we're going to get along." I couldn't be more right. The funniest story is probably when her mother dressed her in a navy blue dress. Katrina comes walking into the room, trying to take off the dress while bellowing," It's so ugly! I can't wear this, IT'S UGLY!!!" Well, at least she has an early knowledge of fashion sense- these things are important to learn at a young age. =]
So, at the moment, I'm job hunting like a mad woman (starbucks being my first choice). Pray that I'm hired soon, soon, soon!!!
Now that my house is back to normal, I've been unpacking, reorganizing, and sprucing up my room a bit.
I've had a difficult time staying in the Word as much as I did at Mercy, but prayer is a habit that has really stuck with me. God has given me such a dose of peace concerning this new chapter of my life. His timing is always, always perfect. He has the perfect job lined up, and I have faith that He is saving that position just for me, because He knows where I will be happiest.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Christmas Break update
"I HATE MY BODY, I HATE MY BODY, I HATE MY BODY!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH"
~This is what I was screaming into my pillow less than an hour ago.
Well, I've only had a few breakdowns this Christmas break, and they are all related to my new body and not being able to fit into my clothes anymore. I can honestly say that gaining weight is the only thing that I regret about going to Mercy. I'm so glad that they work through inner issues as well, and get to the roots of the behaviors. They don't just fix the behavior, like most treatment centers, but they yank up the roots, and help girls receive healing from the Lord. I can't tell you how horrible it would be to go into a treatment center just to have them fatten me up and send me on my way.
Sure, Mercy has fattened me up, but they have also given me tools to walk in victory. Working through counseling, I couldn't believe all the crazy lies I had been believing all my life; these lies were totally holding me in bondage!
The main lie I had believed was that my worth and value was based on what other people thought or said about me. You can imagine what kind of bondage this kept me in; my life was based entirely on performance and my outward appearance...ever since I was a little girl!
I had no idea about my identity in Christ because I was so focused on finding my identity in what others saw in me. I took identity in being the perfect girl [when I made a mistake I was always told that I was a "bad girl"]. Being the perfect girl led to me needing perfect grades, the perfect behavior, and the perfect appearance...which led to me needing the perfect body. Ugh, we know the rest of the story.
Anyway, my worth and value seemed to come from what I did and how I performed. I was a "good girl" when I behaved well, and a "bad girl" when I didn't.
I even struggled with food at the age of five! How I ate even determined my value when I was super young! Again, I was a "good girl" if I ate everything on my plate, and a "bad girl" if I didn't. This caused a habit of food restriction from an early age because I would constantly hide my food under my parents bed so I wouldn't have to eat it. I would get praise and affirmation from my mom and dad when they would see my empty plate, and I would feel like I had worth and value, though deep down I hated eating all my food. I was always the "good girl" and I could never make any mistakes because that would mean I was a terrible person...and terrible people had little worth or value.
This was the lie I lived- the lie that held me in chains.
At Mercy, I learned the Truth. My worth and value is not based on what other people say, but what God says about me. Ok, so it sounds a little corny, but it totally makes sense! God is the only one who truly knows who I am because He's the one who created me! Man can try to tell me who I am based on appearances, but my appearance is just how I appear, it's not who I am. Only God knows who I am, and only He knows my worth and value...and it's written in His Word!
What a freeing discovery! I don't have to strive, and strive, and strive to feel like I'm worth something! God says I am his masterpiece, and I wasn't created to do all these crazy works on my own. I was created to do what He has planned for me, I just have to trust Him. ~Check out Ephesians 2:10
So yes, I have put on a few (or more than a few) pounds over my 5 months at Mercy...but it doesn't make me any less valuable, or any less worthy of love or affection. Before Mercy, I put all my confidence in my outward appearance; and now that perfect appearance is starting to crumble. My thin, Vogue model body is gone; my hair got butchered at the JC Penny Salon; and my designer clothes no longer fit. All of these things that I put my confidence in have wasted away; the only thing left standing at ground zero is Jesus. He is the only thing that will never change, no matter the circumstances. He is the only thing that is constant, reliable, and the only thing that can give me true confidence. He will never fail me; my body may fail me, my metabolism may fail me, hairstylists may fail me, but Jesus never fails.
I can't even describe the kind of savior He has been for me. He has redeemed every thing that I have surrendered to Him, and He has given me more than I can imagine.
~This is what I was screaming into my pillow less than an hour ago.
Well, I've only had a few breakdowns this Christmas break, and they are all related to my new body and not being able to fit into my clothes anymore. I can honestly say that gaining weight is the only thing that I regret about going to Mercy. I'm so glad that they work through inner issues as well, and get to the roots of the behaviors. They don't just fix the behavior, like most treatment centers, but they yank up the roots, and help girls receive healing from the Lord. I can't tell you how horrible it would be to go into a treatment center just to have them fatten me up and send me on my way.
Sure, Mercy has fattened me up, but they have also given me tools to walk in victory. Working through counseling, I couldn't believe all the crazy lies I had been believing all my life; these lies were totally holding me in bondage!
The main lie I had believed was that my worth and value was based on what other people thought or said about me. You can imagine what kind of bondage this kept me in; my life was based entirely on performance and my outward appearance...ever since I was a little girl!
I had no idea about my identity in Christ because I was so focused on finding my identity in what others saw in me. I took identity in being the perfect girl [when I made a mistake I was always told that I was a "bad girl"]. Being the perfect girl led to me needing perfect grades, the perfect behavior, and the perfect appearance...which led to me needing the perfect body. Ugh, we know the rest of the story.
Anyway, my worth and value seemed to come from what I did and how I performed. I was a "good girl" when I behaved well, and a "bad girl" when I didn't.
I even struggled with food at the age of five! How I ate even determined my value when I was super young! Again, I was a "good girl" if I ate everything on my plate, and a "bad girl" if I didn't. This caused a habit of food restriction from an early age because I would constantly hide my food under my parents bed so I wouldn't have to eat it. I would get praise and affirmation from my mom and dad when they would see my empty plate, and I would feel like I had worth and value, though deep down I hated eating all my food. I was always the "good girl" and I could never make any mistakes because that would mean I was a terrible person...and terrible people had little worth or value.
This was the lie I lived- the lie that held me in chains.
At Mercy, I learned the Truth. My worth and value is not based on what other people say, but what God says about me. Ok, so it sounds a little corny, but it totally makes sense! God is the only one who truly knows who I am because He's the one who created me! Man can try to tell me who I am based on appearances, but my appearance is just how I appear, it's not who I am. Only God knows who I am, and only He knows my worth and value...and it's written in His Word!
What a freeing discovery! I don't have to strive, and strive, and strive to feel like I'm worth something! God says I am his masterpiece, and I wasn't created to do all these crazy works on my own. I was created to do what He has planned for me, I just have to trust Him. ~Check out Ephesians 2:10
So yes, I have put on a few (or more than a few) pounds over my 5 months at Mercy...but it doesn't make me any less valuable, or any less worthy of love or affection. Before Mercy, I put all my confidence in my outward appearance; and now that perfect appearance is starting to crumble. My thin, Vogue model body is gone; my hair got butchered at the JC Penny Salon; and my designer clothes no longer fit. All of these things that I put my confidence in have wasted away; the only thing left standing at ground zero is Jesus. He is the only thing that will never change, no matter the circumstances. He is the only thing that is constant, reliable, and the only thing that can give me true confidence. He will never fail me; my body may fail me, my metabolism may fail me, hairstylists may fail me, but Jesus never fails.
I can't even describe the kind of savior He has been for me. He has redeemed every thing that I have surrendered to Him, and He has given me more than I can imagine.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
I'm up for the Test
Hey everyone!
Gosh, I can't believe it's been almost 4 months since I left for Mercy!
Well, I'm on pass for this Thanksgiving weekend, so I'm finally able to blog again. At Mercy all the girls are isolated in order to focus on complete recovery and healing.
I started an audio/video journal at Mercy. I've found that it's much easier for me to talk out my feeling, than to write it all out. I'll try my best to post them this weekend, but remember, I'm only here for a few days and I have much to do...and very little time.
I will be home for a much longer break on Dec. 14th! I'll be staying through Jan. 5th!
I plan on posting a bunch of stories (don't worry, no names will be mentioned...it's a confidentiality thing) of my challenges and victories at Mercy.
Until then, I can only say, "I'm not where I should be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" -Joyce Meyer
I love you all!
I couldn't make it through this program if it wasn't for all your prayers!
Thanks so much =]
xoxoxo
~Rachelle Joy
Gosh, I can't believe it's been almost 4 months since I left for Mercy!
Well, I'm on pass for this Thanksgiving weekend, so I'm finally able to blog again. At Mercy all the girls are isolated in order to focus on complete recovery and healing.
I started an audio/video journal at Mercy. I've found that it's much easier for me to talk out my feeling, than to write it all out. I'll try my best to post them this weekend, but remember, I'm only here for a few days and I have much to do...and very little time.
I will be home for a much longer break on Dec. 14th! I'll be staying through Jan. 5th!
I plan on posting a bunch of stories (don't worry, no names will be mentioned...it's a confidentiality thing) of my challenges and victories at Mercy.
Until then, I can only say, "I'm not where I should be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" -Joyce Meyer
I love you all!
I couldn't make it through this program if it wasn't for all your prayers!
Thanks so much =]
xoxoxo
~Rachelle Joy
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Time to start packing my bags!!!
Well, I got some unexpected news today! I knew I was going to receive a call from the Mercy Ministries Intake department- we were only going over what I would expect during my stay at one of the homes...if an opening were available in the near future.
I chatted with one of the staff members for about thirty minutes, going over any questions and concerns. As the conversation began to wind down, she paused for a moment. "Well, Rachelle, before I let you go, I wanted to speak with you about one last thing," she said in her friendly, southern voice. "It turns out, we have an opening for you at one of our Mercy Homes! You'll be staying at our Lincoln, California Home, near Sacramento! You have a little over a month to prepare; your scheduled arrival date is July 27th!"
Wow!!! I'm totally stoked with the Lord's timing on this one!!!
I have a lot of planning and preparing (and blood tests,ugh) to do, but I am suuuuupppeeerrrrrr excited that the day is finally in sight!!!!
I'll keep you all posted on the details (what I get to bring, phone calls, letters, ect.) I just printed out my resident guide, and I'm having soooo much fun reading through it!!!
Mercy Ministry's program lasts 6 months...I know...I'll miss you too. =]
Again, I'll be posting more details about visits and that kind of stuff later.
For now, I'm in celebration mode! I'm sure there will be many tears due to homesickness and insecurity, but I know the healing the Lord brings will be worth every moment of fear.
I chatted with one of the staff members for about thirty minutes, going over any questions and concerns. As the conversation began to wind down, she paused for a moment. "Well, Rachelle, before I let you go, I wanted to speak with you about one last thing," she said in her friendly, southern voice. "It turns out, we have an opening for you at one of our Mercy Homes! You'll be staying at our Lincoln, California Home, near Sacramento! You have a little over a month to prepare; your scheduled arrival date is July 27th!"
Wow!!! I'm totally stoked with the Lord's timing on this one!!!
I have a lot of planning and preparing (and blood tests,ugh) to do, but I am suuuuupppeeerrrrrr excited that the day is finally in sight!!!!
I'll keep you all posted on the details (what I get to bring, phone calls, letters, ect.) I just printed out my resident guide, and I'm having soooo much fun reading through it!!!
Mercy Ministry's program lasts 6 months...I know...I'll miss you too. =]
Again, I'll be posting more details about visits and that kind of stuff later.
For now, I'm in celebration mode! I'm sure there will be many tears due to homesickness and insecurity, but I know the healing the Lord brings will be worth every moment of fear.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I Have a Hope
Hey guys! Wow, it's been a while since I've given out an update, and I apologize.
Good news! I am officially finished with high school!!!
I've been super busy with graduation ceremonies, and parties, but I think things are beginning to wind down.
While the numerous social events have taken a toll on my emotional stability, I am happy to say that I did better than I thought I would...much better in fact. This, of course, is a product of endless prayer, and help from the Lord.
Goodness! Just thinking back on all of the decadent desserts that accompanied every party, I'm shocked that no disasters occurred! I'm serious, these parties were loaded with all kinds of goodies that would have fit conveniently in my purse; yet I had my guardian angles all around me, shielding me from misfortune.
Before my graduation ceremony, I had one little freak-out. I had a song prepared to go along with a short, little speech. (Well, at least I thought I was prepared)
I was sure I had the lyrics down, but after running through the song with my accompanist, Lori, I couldn't remember the words for the life of me.
Not only that, I also forgot what I was going to share before I sang my song.
I scribbled the lyrics down and just stared at them.
I cant do this, I thought. There is no way I'm getting up on that stage.
Once the ceremony began, I sat in the audience with no intention of going up on stage. As I looked around, I saw all my family members and friends who were there to support me. I can't let them down, I thought.
I leaned over to my mom. "Mom, I have to sit in the car for a few minutes. I'll be back, I promise." My mom was hesitant at first, but she handed me the keys, and I quickly made my way towards my dad's jeep. I knew I had about 10 minutes before the highschool grads were called to walk down the isle.
I sat in the front seat of the jeep and prayed, did a few vocal warm ups, and prayed again. "God, walk with me down that isle; give me strength and courage; help me sing like I've never sang before; let me minister to others like others have ministered to me."
A peace came over me as I walked in to the lobby where the graduates were lined up, garbed in their graduation attire. I zipped up my gown and placed my cap on my head; we all had that look of excitement in our eyes- not nerves, just pure excitement. In just a few moments, we were all going to graduate!!!
Each of the graduates had a unique way of accepting their diploma. Some gave a touching speech, some made videos, and others played instruments. This had to be the most special graduation in the world!
The Lord gave me confidence as I shared about the cross I received for my 18th birthday. In bold letters, it says "Journey," and in smaller script are Jeremiah 29:11 and Psalm 32:8
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you".
These verses tied in with my song. It's called "I Have a Hope," and it's a my declaration!
Here are the verses:
I have a hope, I have a future
I have a destiny that is yet awaiting me
My life’s not over, a new beginning’s just begun
I have a hope, I have this hope
God has a plan, it’s not to harm me
But it’s to prosper me and to hear me when I call
He intercedes for me, working all things for my good
Though trials may come I have this hope
Chorus
I will yet praise Him, my great Redeemer
I will yet stand up and give Him glory with my life
He takes my darkness and He turns it into light
I will yet praise Him, my Lord my God
My God is for me, He’s not against me
So tell me whom then, tell me whom then shall I fear
He has prepared for me
Great works He’ll help me to complete
I have a hope, I have this hope
Goodness and mercy, they’re gonna follow me
And I’ll forever dwell in the house of my great King
No eye has ever seen all He’s preparing there for me
Though trials may come, I have this hope
Bridge
There’s still hope for me today
‘Cause the God heaven loves me
I am so happy I was able to sing that song! When I practiced the song earlier, I felt like I was straining my voice. But during the ceremony, the notes were able to flow, and I could sing those words with meaning without having to worry about my voice cracking. That was totally a God thing!
People later came up to me saying "I've never heard you sing like that!" That's because I really have never been able to sing like that before- I felt the anointing of the Holy Spirit as I sang, and I felt the His presence throughout the rest of the night.
I am so thankful that the Lord gave me the strength to walk in victory these last few weeks. I got a call from Mercy Ministries this morning, and the application process is moving along smoothly. The Committee approved my application, and I am now on the waiting list to stay at one of the homes. My family and I are praying that the wait won't be too long or too difficult for me. There is hope for me yet.
Good news! I am officially finished with high school!!!
I've been super busy with graduation ceremonies, and parties, but I think things are beginning to wind down.
While the numerous social events have taken a toll on my emotional stability, I am happy to say that I did better than I thought I would...much better in fact. This, of course, is a product of endless prayer, and help from the Lord.
Goodness! Just thinking back on all of the decadent desserts that accompanied every party, I'm shocked that no disasters occurred! I'm serious, these parties were loaded with all kinds of goodies that would have fit conveniently in my purse; yet I had my guardian angles all around me, shielding me from misfortune.
Before my graduation ceremony, I had one little freak-out. I had a song prepared to go along with a short, little speech. (Well, at least I thought I was prepared)
I was sure I had the lyrics down, but after running through the song with my accompanist, Lori, I couldn't remember the words for the life of me.
Not only that, I also forgot what I was going to share before I sang my song.
I scribbled the lyrics down and just stared at them.
I cant do this, I thought. There is no way I'm getting up on that stage.
Once the ceremony began, I sat in the audience with no intention of going up on stage. As I looked around, I saw all my family members and friends who were there to support me. I can't let them down, I thought.
I leaned over to my mom. "Mom, I have to sit in the car for a few minutes. I'll be back, I promise." My mom was hesitant at first, but she handed me the keys, and I quickly made my way towards my dad's jeep. I knew I had about 10 minutes before the highschool grads were called to walk down the isle.
I sat in the front seat of the jeep and prayed, did a few vocal warm ups, and prayed again. "God, walk with me down that isle; give me strength and courage; help me sing like I've never sang before; let me minister to others like others have ministered to me."
A peace came over me as I walked in to the lobby where the graduates were lined up, garbed in their graduation attire. I zipped up my gown and placed my cap on my head; we all had that look of excitement in our eyes- not nerves, just pure excitement. In just a few moments, we were all going to graduate!!!
Each of the graduates had a unique way of accepting their diploma. Some gave a touching speech, some made videos, and others played instruments. This had to be the most special graduation in the world!
The Lord gave me confidence as I shared about the cross I received for my 18th birthday. In bold letters, it says "Journey," and in smaller script are Jeremiah 29:11 and Psalm 32:8
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you".
These verses tied in with my song. It's called "I Have a Hope," and it's a my declaration!
Here are the verses:
I have a hope, I have a future
I have a destiny that is yet awaiting me
My life’s not over, a new beginning’s just begun
I have a hope, I have this hope
God has a plan, it’s not to harm me
But it’s to prosper me and to hear me when I call
He intercedes for me, working all things for my good
Though trials may come I have this hope
Chorus
I will yet praise Him, my great Redeemer
I will yet stand up and give Him glory with my life
He takes my darkness and He turns it into light
I will yet praise Him, my Lord my God
My God is for me, He’s not against me
So tell me whom then, tell me whom then shall I fear
He has prepared for me
Great works He’ll help me to complete
I have a hope, I have this hope
Goodness and mercy, they’re gonna follow me
And I’ll forever dwell in the house of my great King
No eye has ever seen all He’s preparing there for me
Though trials may come, I have this hope
Bridge
There’s still hope for me today
‘Cause the God heaven loves me
I am so happy I was able to sing that song! When I practiced the song earlier, I felt like I was straining my voice. But during the ceremony, the notes were able to flow, and I could sing those words with meaning without having to worry about my voice cracking. That was totally a God thing!
People later came up to me saying "I've never heard you sing like that!" That's because I really have never been able to sing like that before- I felt the anointing of the Holy Spirit as I sang, and I felt the His presence throughout the rest of the night.
I am so thankful that the Lord gave me the strength to walk in victory these last few weeks. I got a call from Mercy Ministries this morning, and the application process is moving along smoothly. The Committee approved my application, and I am now on the waiting list to stay at one of the homes. My family and I are praying that the wait won't be too long or too difficult for me. There is hope for me yet.
Monday, May 24, 2010
More Mercy
Hey everyone! So nothing too disastrous has happened this past week. I've gone an entire week without a full-blown binge. I have managed to sneak a little bit of food and purge it, but overall, I've kept my head this week.
I'm a little nervous about the weeks ahead. I've been invited to several graduation parties, and I have my own grad-party to worry about as well (luckily mine is just a small Japanese dinner). *Sigh* I wish I didn't have to dread happy celebrations.
I'll have to make a success plan with Mary and have my mom and other family members keep me accountable. Yes, I may feel uncomfortable for a while; but I must remember: feelings pass! Letting my emotions control my actions is what leads me to binge and purge. When I have my accountability partners speaking truth into my life, I am able to think logically and separate the facts from the feelings.
Alright, so this week I've haven't been too friendly towards God. I was SUPER pissed actually. I was riding in the car with my dad and my little brothers on Saturday. We were on way to the track for a morning run. Unlike my disposition, the weather was bright and sunny. As I was in the seat next to him, my Dad says, "this is the day the Lord has made, so let us rejoice and be glad in it!"
Yeah, easy for you to say, I thought. You don't have an eating disorder.
In fact, I have three reasons not to rejoice: Anorexia, Bulimia, and binge eating!
I then started screaming at God in my mind:
God! Why couldn't I just stay anorexic? At least I was skinny! Now I'm a crazy binge eating-bulimic-anorexic freak!!! Why did you let this happen? Why didn't you stop this?
When we arrived at the track, my attitude hadn't improved. While my dad and my brothers stretched, I stared at the track and pictured myself running lap after lap, until all traces of fat and flab disappeared. I pictured myself running until there was nothing but a skeleton, just skin and bones with a shuddering heart.
Then the Lord spoke to me.
"Rachelle, I allowed the binge-eating and the bulimia to save you from your anorexia, to save you from yourself!"
I remembered six months ago, when the doctors told me I slowly deteriorating...and I couldn't care less; I wanted to be thin more than anything. I wanted to see how far I could go; I wanted to be as thin as humanly possible.
I would have kept running and restricting until the day I finally felt thin enough- a day that would never come.
I admit, I have never been able to accept the fact that I need to gain weight. Though I'm heavier than I was six months ago, this weight was the product of out of control binge-eating, and it saved me from permanently damaging my body.
So, am I happy I'm bulimic? No! But I am happy to be alive and past my anorexia. With my body shutting down, I was in a dangerous place, literally dying to be thin. The Lord wanted me out of this danger zone as soon as possible, and binge eating was the fastest way out. He showed me mercy by allowing certain circumstances.
I always viewed a binge session as a time of darkness, where God was completely absent. Now I realize that every time I downed a gallon of ice cream, or shoved peanut butter sandwiches down my throat, He was there. At 3:00am, when I would hide in the garage with a carton of milk and a cupboard full of cereal, feeling cold and alone, He was there. He was beside me during every binge. With His wonderful plans for my future, he wasn't going to let me starve myself to death.
The Lord certainly has an interesting way of orchestrating things.
Romans 8:28 says:
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Wow! He causes all things to work together for good!!! All things!!! Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating- the Lord can bring good out of these diseases!
We serve a merciful God!
I'm a little nervous about the weeks ahead. I've been invited to several graduation parties, and I have my own grad-party to worry about as well (luckily mine is just a small Japanese dinner). *Sigh* I wish I didn't have to dread happy celebrations.
I'll have to make a success plan with Mary and have my mom and other family members keep me accountable. Yes, I may feel uncomfortable for a while; but I must remember: feelings pass! Letting my emotions control my actions is what leads me to binge and purge. When I have my accountability partners speaking truth into my life, I am able to think logically and separate the facts from the feelings.
Alright, so this week I've haven't been too friendly towards God. I was SUPER pissed actually. I was riding in the car with my dad and my little brothers on Saturday. We were on way to the track for a morning run. Unlike my disposition, the weather was bright and sunny. As I was in the seat next to him, my Dad says, "this is the day the Lord has made, so let us rejoice and be glad in it!"
Yeah, easy for you to say, I thought. You don't have an eating disorder.
In fact, I have three reasons not to rejoice: Anorexia, Bulimia, and binge eating!
I then started screaming at God in my mind:
God! Why couldn't I just stay anorexic? At least I was skinny! Now I'm a crazy binge eating-bulimic-anorexic freak!!! Why did you let this happen? Why didn't you stop this?
When we arrived at the track, my attitude hadn't improved. While my dad and my brothers stretched, I stared at the track and pictured myself running lap after lap, until all traces of fat and flab disappeared. I pictured myself running until there was nothing but a skeleton, just skin and bones with a shuddering heart.
Then the Lord spoke to me.
"Rachelle, I allowed the binge-eating and the bulimia to save you from your anorexia, to save you from yourself!"
I remembered six months ago, when the doctors told me I slowly deteriorating...and I couldn't care less; I wanted to be thin more than anything. I wanted to see how far I could go; I wanted to be as thin as humanly possible.
I would have kept running and restricting until the day I finally felt thin enough- a day that would never come.
I admit, I have never been able to accept the fact that I need to gain weight. Though I'm heavier than I was six months ago, this weight was the product of out of control binge-eating, and it saved me from permanently damaging my body.
So, am I happy I'm bulimic? No! But I am happy to be alive and past my anorexia. With my body shutting down, I was in a dangerous place, literally dying to be thin. The Lord wanted me out of this danger zone as soon as possible, and binge eating was the fastest way out. He showed me mercy by allowing certain circumstances.
I always viewed a binge session as a time of darkness, where God was completely absent. Now I realize that every time I downed a gallon of ice cream, or shoved peanut butter sandwiches down my throat, He was there. At 3:00am, when I would hide in the garage with a carton of milk and a cupboard full of cereal, feeling cold and alone, He was there. He was beside me during every binge. With His wonderful plans for my future, he wasn't going to let me starve myself to death.
The Lord certainly has an interesting way of orchestrating things.
Romans 8:28 says:
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Wow! He causes all things to work together for good!!! All things!!! Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating- the Lord can bring good out of these diseases!
We serve a merciful God!
Monday, May 10, 2010
On thin ice
From now on, I'll be posting the majority of this blog from my phone, so please excuse the atrocious spelling. :)
I've been extra emotional these past few weeks. I feel as though I am simply skating through life, never knowing when I might suddenly fall through the ice. The ice is especially brittle when I attend a party or event. The last thing I want is for this eating disorder to keep me from celebrating with my friends; but at the same time, I can't help feeling like an outcast when I'm amongst a large crowd.
Let's start with the weekend before last (Mother's day weekend).
With three parties in one weekend, a meltdown was bound to occur. Friday's party went smoothly with the help of one of my accountability partners. Julie and I planned what I should snack on, and when I should stop. I must admit, I was terrified when I saw the box of doughnut holes, packages of Oreo cookies, and the giant platter of cinnamon rolls. Filling my pockets and purse with all the yummy goodies was hard to resist. Julie provided healthy snacks as well, ones that wouldn't tempt me to purge. So I filled my plate with grapes and "Smart Pop" popcorn, and limited myself to one cinnamon roll (a treat I hadn't had since Christmas time). With my food worries gone, I was able to enjoy spending time with my friends.
My good behavior at the party went down the toilet (literally) when I spent that night at my grandma's house. She had taken the time to remove all the sweets from her cupboards, but that didn't halt my desire to binge and purge. Around 3:00 am, I quietly cracked open the fridge and reached for the giant block of cheese. After emptying my stomach of about a pound of cheddar, I crawled back in bed, feeling miserable and sick. I continued to sneak more cheese and half a loaf of bread from the fridge throughout the next morning.
When the time came for the next party, my stomach was stuffed full; but I continued to eat despite the pain. Though I had eaten a sensible amount of food during the meal time, I longed to go back for seconds- heck, I wanted every last piece of bread on the buffet counter. I begged my mom to take me to get more food. "Ok, we can get more salad," she said.
As I walked into the kitchen, I pictured myself lifting one of the giant bowls of pasta salad and emptying all of its contents into my mouth. I saw myself moving from bowl to bowl, emotionally ravenous, but physically stuffed. This imaginary Rachelle dunked her head in the pot of beans and slurped up the remains; she gnawed on chicken, sucking the marrow from the bones; she licked the plates clean until very morsel and every crumb was consumed. This was what I would become if I continued to entertain those voices, those thoughts and desires, those lies of bulimia.
The desire to be alone with all that food was completely overwhelming. This desire burned in my chest and brought a flood of tears to my eyes.
"I have to get out of here," I whispered.
Luckily, my dad had a business appointment to go to, and he was happy to have me tag along. We had a thirty minute drive, which gave me plenty of time to calm down. I rarely talked with my dad when I was younger, and I am still hesitant to initiate a conversation; but our relationship has healed soooo much since I've been dealing with this disease. There is still so much I don't know about my dad, things I've never bothered to ask him about. During our drive, I asked him about how he became passionate about running. His story blew me away. I felt like he was telling me about a fictional character, one who had been on an epic journey. But Ken Hunter was no fantasy, he was my dad! My Dad had traveled all around the world, and I had never shown any interest.
Now that I've been talking with my dad, I see him in an entirely different light. For years, I had a distorted view of his character and what he thought of me. Now I see that the Lord has blessed me with a compassionate and caring father who loves me despite all my struggles and imperfections.
Mother's Day was a victory day. Focusing on blessing my mom and my grandma took the focus off myself for once, and thoughts of hoarding food hardly crossed my mind. I tried my best not to cause my mom any grief, and I'm pretty sure I succeeded.
As far as my food plan goes, I had been restricting my calories to counteract my binges. This of course starts the cycle of deprivation and hunger that leads to wanting to binge and overeat. I weighed in at Mary's, and saw that I had dropped a few pounds (I was actually surprised...after a whole block of cheese and a loaf of bread the previous weekend).
Mary stressed the importance of eating enough calories, though going over 18 weight watchers points sends me into a purging panic.
I recently bought a new food journal, and have been faithfully tracking my calories/points. I admit, it is super hard for me to eat 18 points without any guilt. But Mary and I agreed that I would stay above 18 points every day this week. My weigh-in is in two days, and honestly, I don't know what to expect.
I have overcome quite a few "insecurity hurdles" this week. My weight isn't my only obsession; I'm concerned about my entire appearance. So when I chopped my hair to pieces, my the whole world caved in around me. All I was going to do was give my bangs a little trim; this led to hours of snipping until I finally gave up. Sunday morning, I crumpled to the ground in defeat.
"My life is over," I wailed.
But I HAD to go to church, and I HAD to get packed up to stay with Rhonda. I pushed my emotions aside, and I did what I had to do. Singing on stage in choir was difficult, but I couldn't let my hair hold me back from worshiping the Lord. After singing songs of praise, my worries vanished.
I had another meltdown after lunch at Rhonda's house. My mom was getting ready to leave and I wanted to wimp out and go with her, though I had planned to stay a few days with Rhonda. My hair made me feel absolutely hideous, and I wanted to go home and hide. But I also knew that once I got home, all I would be able to do is lie in bed and wallow in my self-pity. Rhonda saw me huddled on the ground with a mixture of tears and mascara running down my face.
Rhonda has a "no-nonsense" way of adressing a situation, and for that I am very grateful. She knelt down beside be and said, "Rachelle, don't let your hair determine what you do!"
I decided to stay with Rhonda and Charlie after all. We went to see my cousins perform later that night. Though my hair was still a concern, I didn't want it to keep me from having a fun night out.
Well, I'm still enjoying my stay at Rhonda and Charlie's house. Again, I am so grateful for my aunt and uncle's hospitality.
I'll be returning home sometime tomorrow. I'll probably write post some more then.
I hope you enjoy reading about my journey.
I sure enjoy reflecting on the places the Lord takes me each week.
I've been extra emotional these past few weeks. I feel as though I am simply skating through life, never knowing when I might suddenly fall through the ice. The ice is especially brittle when I attend a party or event. The last thing I want is for this eating disorder to keep me from celebrating with my friends; but at the same time, I can't help feeling like an outcast when I'm amongst a large crowd.
Let's start with the weekend before last (Mother's day weekend).
With three parties in one weekend, a meltdown was bound to occur. Friday's party went smoothly with the help of one of my accountability partners. Julie and I planned what I should snack on, and when I should stop. I must admit, I was terrified when I saw the box of doughnut holes, packages of Oreo cookies, and the giant platter of cinnamon rolls. Filling my pockets and purse with all the yummy goodies was hard to resist. Julie provided healthy snacks as well, ones that wouldn't tempt me to purge. So I filled my plate with grapes and "Smart Pop" popcorn, and limited myself to one cinnamon roll (a treat I hadn't had since Christmas time). With my food worries gone, I was able to enjoy spending time with my friends.
My good behavior at the party went down the toilet (literally) when I spent that night at my grandma's house. She had taken the time to remove all the sweets from her cupboards, but that didn't halt my desire to binge and purge. Around 3:00 am, I quietly cracked open the fridge and reached for the giant block of cheese. After emptying my stomach of about a pound of cheddar, I crawled back in bed, feeling miserable and sick. I continued to sneak more cheese and half a loaf of bread from the fridge throughout the next morning.
When the time came for the next party, my stomach was stuffed full; but I continued to eat despite the pain. Though I had eaten a sensible amount of food during the meal time, I longed to go back for seconds- heck, I wanted every last piece of bread on the buffet counter. I begged my mom to take me to get more food. "Ok, we can get more salad," she said.
As I walked into the kitchen, I pictured myself lifting one of the giant bowls of pasta salad and emptying all of its contents into my mouth. I saw myself moving from bowl to bowl, emotionally ravenous, but physically stuffed. This imaginary Rachelle dunked her head in the pot of beans and slurped up the remains; she gnawed on chicken, sucking the marrow from the bones; she licked the plates clean until very morsel and every crumb was consumed. This was what I would become if I continued to entertain those voices, those thoughts and desires, those lies of bulimia.
The desire to be alone with all that food was completely overwhelming. This desire burned in my chest and brought a flood of tears to my eyes.
"I have to get out of here," I whispered.
Luckily, my dad had a business appointment to go to, and he was happy to have me tag along. We had a thirty minute drive, which gave me plenty of time to calm down. I rarely talked with my dad when I was younger, and I am still hesitant to initiate a conversation; but our relationship has healed soooo much since I've been dealing with this disease. There is still so much I don't know about my dad, things I've never bothered to ask him about. During our drive, I asked him about how he became passionate about running. His story blew me away. I felt like he was telling me about a fictional character, one who had been on an epic journey. But Ken Hunter was no fantasy, he was my dad! My Dad had traveled all around the world, and I had never shown any interest.
Now that I've been talking with my dad, I see him in an entirely different light. For years, I had a distorted view of his character and what he thought of me. Now I see that the Lord has blessed me with a compassionate and caring father who loves me despite all my struggles and imperfections.
Mother's Day was a victory day. Focusing on blessing my mom and my grandma took the focus off myself for once, and thoughts of hoarding food hardly crossed my mind. I tried my best not to cause my mom any grief, and I'm pretty sure I succeeded.
As far as my food plan goes, I had been restricting my calories to counteract my binges. This of course starts the cycle of deprivation and hunger that leads to wanting to binge and overeat. I weighed in at Mary's, and saw that I had dropped a few pounds (I was actually surprised...after a whole block of cheese and a loaf of bread the previous weekend).
Mary stressed the importance of eating enough calories, though going over 18 weight watchers points sends me into a purging panic.
I recently bought a new food journal, and have been faithfully tracking my calories/points. I admit, it is super hard for me to eat 18 points without any guilt. But Mary and I agreed that I would stay above 18 points every day this week. My weigh-in is in two days, and honestly, I don't know what to expect.
I have overcome quite a few "insecurity hurdles" this week. My weight isn't my only obsession; I'm concerned about my entire appearance. So when I chopped my hair to pieces, my the whole world caved in around me. All I was going to do was give my bangs a little trim; this led to hours of snipping until I finally gave up. Sunday morning, I crumpled to the ground in defeat.
"My life is over," I wailed.
But I HAD to go to church, and I HAD to get packed up to stay with Rhonda. I pushed my emotions aside, and I did what I had to do. Singing on stage in choir was difficult, but I couldn't let my hair hold me back from worshiping the Lord. After singing songs of praise, my worries vanished.
I had another meltdown after lunch at Rhonda's house. My mom was getting ready to leave and I wanted to wimp out and go with her, though I had planned to stay a few days with Rhonda. My hair made me feel absolutely hideous, and I wanted to go home and hide. But I also knew that once I got home, all I would be able to do is lie in bed and wallow in my self-pity. Rhonda saw me huddled on the ground with a mixture of tears and mascara running down my face.
Rhonda has a "no-nonsense" way of adressing a situation, and for that I am very grateful. She knelt down beside be and said, "Rachelle, don't let your hair determine what you do!"
I decided to stay with Rhonda and Charlie after all. We went to see my cousins perform later that night. Though my hair was still a concern, I didn't want it to keep me from having a fun night out.
Well, I'm still enjoying my stay at Rhonda and Charlie's house. Again, I am so grateful for my aunt and uncle's hospitality.
I'll be returning home sometime tomorrow. I'll probably write post some more then.
I hope you enjoy reading about my journey.
I sure enjoy reflecting on the places the Lord takes me each week.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Lock and Key
As of now, the refrigerator doors are tightly secured. This was actually my idea. My mom and I went to Ace today and bought a lock and some heavy duty cord. Needless to say, the fridge is bulimic-proof.
Up until Sunday, I had gone six days without a binge or purge. Even with the elaborate buffet at the prom, I still managed to keep it together.
Oh yeah! I got to go to prom. It was an unexpected surprise, and I'm sooooo happy I didn't let my insecurities hold me back.
Prom also motivated me to stick to my structured eating, and work on building up my muscle tone. With a fun night like prom in sight, I had little difficulty meeting my goals.
Sunday was when things started heading downhill again. My cravings were the most intense they've been in a while. I normally crave sweet things, like chocolate or cookies...but this time, I NEEDED cheese. Nothing would satisfy me as I shoveled mountains of grated cheddar and pepper jack into my mouth.
Once the cheese was gone, the binging failed to cease. I moved on to bread- yummy, grainy, delicious bread. I consumed over half a loaf, purged, and went back for more. During my insane feast, my dad was napping upstairs and my mom was out for the day. I felt like this was my only chance to eat whatever I wanted. I thought I would be able to stop, but it never works that way.
My mom came home later that afternoon with a bag full of leftovers from tacos at my aunt's house; guess what was inside: MORE CHEESE!
And the binging continued...
This morning, I made about 20 trips to the fridge. I ran out of the kitchen with whatever I could grab and munched away in my room. Despite the millions of chores I've been neglecting, food was my number one focus- my only focus.
What if I could magically stop binging? I thought.
Screw magic! I need God's help!
I said a desperate prayer and asked the Lord to take away my capability to binge. Just then, a thought popped into my head, something I never would have thought of on my own.
The only thing between me and a whole block of cheese is the refrigerator door. If I can't get through the door, I can't get to the cheese- problem solved!!!
Now that the food is locked away, I have a lot more confidence and a lot more hope. There's a tub of icecream in the freezer, and a giant bowl of guacamole in the fridge...and I don't have to worry. I can be left home without any anxiety.
My ability to binge at home is gone! Thank the Lord!
Up until Sunday, I had gone six days without a binge or purge. Even with the elaborate buffet at the prom, I still managed to keep it together.
Oh yeah! I got to go to prom. It was an unexpected surprise, and I'm sooooo happy I didn't let my insecurities hold me back.
Prom also motivated me to stick to my structured eating, and work on building up my muscle tone. With a fun night like prom in sight, I had little difficulty meeting my goals.
Sunday was when things started heading downhill again. My cravings were the most intense they've been in a while. I normally crave sweet things, like chocolate or cookies...but this time, I NEEDED cheese. Nothing would satisfy me as I shoveled mountains of grated cheddar and pepper jack into my mouth.
Once the cheese was gone, the binging failed to cease. I moved on to bread- yummy, grainy, delicious bread. I consumed over half a loaf, purged, and went back for more. During my insane feast, my dad was napping upstairs and my mom was out for the day. I felt like this was my only chance to eat whatever I wanted. I thought I would be able to stop, but it never works that way.
My mom came home later that afternoon with a bag full of leftovers from tacos at my aunt's house; guess what was inside: MORE CHEESE!
And the binging continued...
This morning, I made about 20 trips to the fridge. I ran out of the kitchen with whatever I could grab and munched away in my room. Despite the millions of chores I've been neglecting, food was my number one focus- my only focus.
What if I could magically stop binging? I thought.
Screw magic! I need God's help!
I said a desperate prayer and asked the Lord to take away my capability to binge. Just then, a thought popped into my head, something I never would have thought of on my own.
The only thing between me and a whole block of cheese is the refrigerator door. If I can't get through the door, I can't get to the cheese- problem solved!!!
Now that the food is locked away, I have a lot more confidence and a lot more hope. There's a tub of icecream in the freezer, and a giant bowl of guacamole in the fridge...and I don't have to worry. I can be left home without any anxiety.
My ability to binge at home is gone! Thank the Lord!
Friday, April 16, 2010
A Safe Haven
Well, it's been a while since my last post. Much has happened in the last few weeks. I've had several binges and breakdowns, and made quite a few suicide threats. My depression put me in a hole deeper and darker than ever before, despite the medication.
Last Sunday, my hopelessness was overwhelming. I had binged and purged every day that week, and I didn't see how I could ever bring it to an end. After having our weekly family taco time at my Aunt Rhonda's house, she asked me if I wanted to talk for a bit. Rhonda could see the despair in my eyes as I told her about my discouraging week. "I know that as soon as I go home, I'm going straight to the kitchen cupboard," I sobbed, "that's all I want to do, and all I can think about: eat, eat, eat.I eat until I'm sick...I throw up...then I eat even more!"
That morning in church, I couldn't worship the Lord; all I could see in my mind was a big bowl of cookie dough. I wanted to taste it, to feel the texture of the butter and the sugar as it melted in my mouth. Just think, I could be home eating cookie dough right now, I thought to myself.
Of course, this food fantasy thing is completely ridiculous, but at the time, these thoughts were all my mind could dwell on; this frustrated me.
After a long discussion on my current state, Rhonda suggested that I live a couple days with her and my Uncle Charlie. I was hesitant at first, but I knew this is what I needed to do in this desperate time. "What you need is a safe environment," Rhonda said, "a place where you can take refuge and gain a few days of victory."
So, I packed my suitcase and cosmetic bag, and stayed Monday through Wednesday at the Abellara house.
I am sooooo grateful for my aunt and uncle's kindness! Charlie installed a lock on their kitchen pantry, and Rhonda threw out all her ice cream. Rhonda also set up a baby monitor in the guest bedroom to prevent any nighttime binging.
Even when my one-year-old cousin Everett spent the night, the baby monitor remained in my room. Needless to say, my 3:00am binge/purge sessions were put to a halt.
As far as the daytime went, my instructions were to stick to Rhonda like glue. I had no problem with this; if I was going to stick to anyone, I'd want it to be Rhonda. Her compassion absolutely astounds me!
My stay with Rhonda drew me out of my pitiful isolation, and back into reality. I was finally able to function, and eat like a normal human being! It felt fantastic!!! Rhonda and I worked out with some amazing friends (Brookie and Julie), ate healthy and satisfying meals, and had deep and encouraging discussions.
Those three days helped me get back into the swing of things, and helped me realize that I don't have to let bulimia turn me into a miserable wreck.
before I returned home, Rhonda and I made sure my house would be a safe place- a place where I could be confident, and the temptation wouldn't be so overbearing.
My parents were more than happy to put a lock on the pantry and throw out the ice cream. I was so relieved to come home and not have the ability to binge...there was no way I could binge, so there was no reason to purge!
I didn't have to purge!!! This was fantastic news!
Of course...the binge food found a way of reappearing. After going an entire week without binging (that's seven days of victory in a row!!!), I returned to my self-destructive habits.
Yes, binging makes me miserable; yes, binging makes me gain weight; yes, binging is a waste of food, a waste of time, and a waste of emotional energy.
So why do I continue with my bulimic behaviors?
Simple: those behaviors are familiar. I am scared to death of the unknown, but I know that food will give me the temporary high that I crave. But with the high...comes the crash.
Sundays have been a struggle for years. My extended family always gets together after church for tacos; it's been a tradition since before I was born. You can imagine, with lots of people, there's lots of food. When I was 15 and 16, I had no idea what binging was (much less a sign of an eating disorder). Sundays were my overeating days. I would wait until everyone was out of the kitchen, then I would cram what was left of the taco ingredients in my mouth. Chips, guacamole, cheese, re fried beans- this would be my secret feast, a time when I could eat all I wanted and not be judged. These feasts became a weekly ritual. Sometimes I would make myself sick, but still continue eating. "This is my moment of freedom," I would think.
Little did I know that these habits would soon wind me up in chains.
Now, every Sunday taco time is a mental battle. Will I allow food to chain me to the kitchen, to keep me from spending time with my family and the people I love? This is what Bulimia has done to me; it literally has taken full control.
Well, this last Sunday (April 18th), my house that had been free of binge food for seven days became a death trap. My grandma (who I could never be bitter toward) brought ingredients for tacos and desert for afterwards. Keep in mind that I had been doing well for a whole week, and had no intention to binge...until I saw the desert- ice cream and cookies. I could feel the chains wrapping around my ankles. I wanted to flee, to get far away from this torment. Not only was there desert on the counter, but all the leftovers from the tacos as well...and I was all alone. This was the perfect trap, but I somehow resisted. My mom and my grandma were finished with their lunch and planned to go to the garage-sale down the street. "I'll come too," I practically screamed. There was no way I could be left alone with all this delicious and enticing food.
I almost escaped from this dreadful snare. I got about halfway down the road, when the chains prevented me from moving forward; I was being dragged back to the kitchen, back into the trap.
"Ummm, I have to pee," I lied. The chains became shorter and shorter until I was completely shackled to the kitchen counter. All reason and logic left my mind, and I became Rachelle the binge zombie. I shoveled as much food as I possibly could into my mouth. I was a slave again, and Bulimia was my master.
Like the Israelites wandering in the dessert, I thought I would be happier if I returned to Egypt.
Like the Israelites...I couldn't be more wrong.
The cycle started again: binge, purge, cry, moan, binge again, purge again; not once would I feel satisfied, not once would I feel happy.
Maybe Egypt wasn't such a good idea after all.
Once all the yummy binge food was gone, I was still feeling empty (well, physically my stomach was filled to the max). After literally tossing my cookies, I had to resort to the bagels in the freezer. I cradled a toasted bagel and cream cheese in my hands. "Will I be any happier after I eat this?" I thought. "There's only one way to find out." I scarfed down the bagel in about two seconds. "Hmmmm, I'm still not happy...I must need more bagels!" Five more bagels and a tub of cream cheese later, I was just as miserable (if not more)as before.
I called Rhonda, and we both agreed that staying a couple days with her would be a good idea. On Monday, I couldn't even get out of bed, let alone pack my bags. I was back in my black pit of despair, overwhelmed and unable to function. My mom told me to take the day one step at a time. Step one: work out. I ran a few miles, then I broke down again. "I can't take it! It's too much! Why can't I just give up?"
I tried to pack my bags, but all I could do was lie flat on my floor and sob.
Hours passed, and the tears kept coming, and the wailing never ceased. My mom finally broke through the lock on my door. She had promised my little brothers that they would get to go to the library, but I couldn't come along in this miserable state. "I'll only be gone for twenty minutes," she said. "Can you promise to stay out of the kitchen?"
"I can't make promises I can't keep," I replied.
Surprisingly, my mom left anyway. She told me later that she thought I couldn't get in any worse shape than I already was. In the words of the Grinch: "WRONGO!"
Twenty minutes was all I needed to whip up a nice bowl of cookie dough (the chocolate chips were locked up in the pantry, but I made due with butter, brown sugar, granulated sugar, and whole wheat flour).
As soon as it was purging time, my dad drove in the driveway. I was immediately ashamed, and I hid under a towel in my bathroom.
My dad found me in my pathetic hiding spot. "Honey, can you tell me what's wrong?"
"Everything," I choked out. "It's all too much. I'm overwhelmed, and I can't take it anymore. I just want my life to end!"
My dad had tears in his eyes. "You can't give up. It's not in you to give up. I know that if I would have given up when I felt like it, it would hurt you. But if you give up now, it kill me. You can't take your life. You are too precious to me, and you are too precious to God. He has great things planned for you, don't let this stop you. The enemy is coming after you because he knows God will use you greatly for his kingdom. Don't let the enemy have his way. God is here to help you, and so am I."
Once my mom got back, we packed up for Rhonda's house, and I left my binge and my setbacks behind me.
Well, I'm in a binge free zone- my safe haven. Staying with Rhonda and Charlie helps me refocus and get back on track. So far, I've gone 24 hours without a binge or purge, and I'm feeling one hundred times better.
My main goal is to get in to Mercy Ministries as soon as possible. I believe that going through the Mercy program is what I need to do in order to receive full healing. I had my phone interview with one of the staff, and it left me feeling pretty hopeful. The questions I was asked were deep and intimate, but I kept my answers as honest as possible.
It's all in God's hands now. If he wants me to go to Mercy Ministries, then he will provide the way. His timing is perfect, and so is his plan for my life.
Last Sunday, my hopelessness was overwhelming. I had binged and purged every day that week, and I didn't see how I could ever bring it to an end. After having our weekly family taco time at my Aunt Rhonda's house, she asked me if I wanted to talk for a bit. Rhonda could see the despair in my eyes as I told her about my discouraging week. "I know that as soon as I go home, I'm going straight to the kitchen cupboard," I sobbed, "that's all I want to do, and all I can think about: eat, eat, eat.I eat until I'm sick...I throw up...then I eat even more!"
That morning in church, I couldn't worship the Lord; all I could see in my mind was a big bowl of cookie dough. I wanted to taste it, to feel the texture of the butter and the sugar as it melted in my mouth. Just think, I could be home eating cookie dough right now, I thought to myself.
Of course, this food fantasy thing is completely ridiculous, but at the time, these thoughts were all my mind could dwell on; this frustrated me.
After a long discussion on my current state, Rhonda suggested that I live a couple days with her and my Uncle Charlie. I was hesitant at first, but I knew this is what I needed to do in this desperate time. "What you need is a safe environment," Rhonda said, "a place where you can take refuge and gain a few days of victory."
So, I packed my suitcase and cosmetic bag, and stayed Monday through Wednesday at the Abellara house.
I am sooooo grateful for my aunt and uncle's kindness! Charlie installed a lock on their kitchen pantry, and Rhonda threw out all her ice cream. Rhonda also set up a baby monitor in the guest bedroom to prevent any nighttime binging.
Even when my one-year-old cousin Everett spent the night, the baby monitor remained in my room. Needless to say, my 3:00am binge/purge sessions were put to a halt.
As far as the daytime went, my instructions were to stick to Rhonda like glue. I had no problem with this; if I was going to stick to anyone, I'd want it to be Rhonda. Her compassion absolutely astounds me!
My stay with Rhonda drew me out of my pitiful isolation, and back into reality. I was finally able to function, and eat like a normal human being! It felt fantastic!!! Rhonda and I worked out with some amazing friends (Brookie and Julie), ate healthy and satisfying meals, and had deep and encouraging discussions.
Those three days helped me get back into the swing of things, and helped me realize that I don't have to let bulimia turn me into a miserable wreck.
before I returned home, Rhonda and I made sure my house would be a safe place- a place where I could be confident, and the temptation wouldn't be so overbearing.
My parents were more than happy to put a lock on the pantry and throw out the ice cream. I was so relieved to come home and not have the ability to binge...there was no way I could binge, so there was no reason to purge!
I didn't have to purge!!! This was fantastic news!
Of course...the binge food found a way of reappearing. After going an entire week without binging (that's seven days of victory in a row!!!), I returned to my self-destructive habits.
Yes, binging makes me miserable; yes, binging makes me gain weight; yes, binging is a waste of food, a waste of time, and a waste of emotional energy.
So why do I continue with my bulimic behaviors?
Simple: those behaviors are familiar. I am scared to death of the unknown, but I know that food will give me the temporary high that I crave. But with the high...comes the crash.
Sundays have been a struggle for years. My extended family always gets together after church for tacos; it's been a tradition since before I was born. You can imagine, with lots of people, there's lots of food. When I was 15 and 16, I had no idea what binging was (much less a sign of an eating disorder). Sundays were my overeating days. I would wait until everyone was out of the kitchen, then I would cram what was left of the taco ingredients in my mouth. Chips, guacamole, cheese, re fried beans- this would be my secret feast, a time when I could eat all I wanted and not be judged. These feasts became a weekly ritual. Sometimes I would make myself sick, but still continue eating. "This is my moment of freedom," I would think.
Little did I know that these habits would soon wind me up in chains.
Now, every Sunday taco time is a mental battle. Will I allow food to chain me to the kitchen, to keep me from spending time with my family and the people I love? This is what Bulimia has done to me; it literally has taken full control.
Well, this last Sunday (April 18th), my house that had been free of binge food for seven days became a death trap. My grandma (who I could never be bitter toward) brought ingredients for tacos and desert for afterwards. Keep in mind that I had been doing well for a whole week, and had no intention to binge...until I saw the desert- ice cream and cookies. I could feel the chains wrapping around my ankles. I wanted to flee, to get far away from this torment. Not only was there desert on the counter, but all the leftovers from the tacos as well...and I was all alone. This was the perfect trap, but I somehow resisted. My mom and my grandma were finished with their lunch and planned to go to the garage-sale down the street. "I'll come too," I practically screamed. There was no way I could be left alone with all this delicious and enticing food.
I almost escaped from this dreadful snare. I got about halfway down the road, when the chains prevented me from moving forward; I was being dragged back to the kitchen, back into the trap.
"Ummm, I have to pee," I lied. The chains became shorter and shorter until I was completely shackled to the kitchen counter. All reason and logic left my mind, and I became Rachelle the binge zombie. I shoveled as much food as I possibly could into my mouth. I was a slave again, and Bulimia was my master.
Like the Israelites wandering in the dessert, I thought I would be happier if I returned to Egypt.
Like the Israelites...I couldn't be more wrong.
The cycle started again: binge, purge, cry, moan, binge again, purge again; not once would I feel satisfied, not once would I feel happy.
Maybe Egypt wasn't such a good idea after all.
Once all the yummy binge food was gone, I was still feeling empty (well, physically my stomach was filled to the max). After literally tossing my cookies, I had to resort to the bagels in the freezer. I cradled a toasted bagel and cream cheese in my hands. "Will I be any happier after I eat this?" I thought. "There's only one way to find out." I scarfed down the bagel in about two seconds. "Hmmmm, I'm still not happy...I must need more bagels!" Five more bagels and a tub of cream cheese later, I was just as miserable (if not more)as before.
I called Rhonda, and we both agreed that staying a couple days with her would be a good idea. On Monday, I couldn't even get out of bed, let alone pack my bags. I was back in my black pit of despair, overwhelmed and unable to function. My mom told me to take the day one step at a time. Step one: work out. I ran a few miles, then I broke down again. "I can't take it! It's too much! Why can't I just give up?"
I tried to pack my bags, but all I could do was lie flat on my floor and sob.
Hours passed, and the tears kept coming, and the wailing never ceased. My mom finally broke through the lock on my door. She had promised my little brothers that they would get to go to the library, but I couldn't come along in this miserable state. "I'll only be gone for twenty minutes," she said. "Can you promise to stay out of the kitchen?"
"I can't make promises I can't keep," I replied.
Surprisingly, my mom left anyway. She told me later that she thought I couldn't get in any worse shape than I already was. In the words of the Grinch: "WRONGO!"
Twenty minutes was all I needed to whip up a nice bowl of cookie dough (the chocolate chips were locked up in the pantry, but I made due with butter, brown sugar, granulated sugar, and whole wheat flour).
As soon as it was purging time, my dad drove in the driveway. I was immediately ashamed, and I hid under a towel in my bathroom.
My dad found me in my pathetic hiding spot. "Honey, can you tell me what's wrong?"
"Everything," I choked out. "It's all too much. I'm overwhelmed, and I can't take it anymore. I just want my life to end!"
My dad had tears in his eyes. "You can't give up. It's not in you to give up. I know that if I would have given up when I felt like it, it would hurt you. But if you give up now, it kill me. You can't take your life. You are too precious to me, and you are too precious to God. He has great things planned for you, don't let this stop you. The enemy is coming after you because he knows God will use you greatly for his kingdom. Don't let the enemy have his way. God is here to help you, and so am I."
Once my mom got back, we packed up for Rhonda's house, and I left my binge and my setbacks behind me.
Well, I'm in a binge free zone- my safe haven. Staying with Rhonda and Charlie helps me refocus and get back on track. So far, I've gone 24 hours without a binge or purge, and I'm feeling one hundred times better.
My main goal is to get in to Mercy Ministries as soon as possible. I believe that going through the Mercy program is what I need to do in order to receive full healing. I had my phone interview with one of the staff, and it left me feeling pretty hopeful. The questions I was asked were deep and intimate, but I kept my answers as honest as possible.
It's all in God's hands now. If he wants me to go to Mercy Ministries, then he will provide the way. His timing is perfect, and so is his plan for my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
