My Achy Breaky Heart

Hey everyone!
It's been a while, huh? And a lot has happened since my last post, but honestly, I'm pretty sure it's all been in my head. Circumstances haven't changed much, but my mindset certainly has.
Luckily, Mercy has trained me to take thoughts captive and turn them around; but I've been a little careless lately, letting old thoughts roll around in my noggin like marbles in one of those collector's tins. (my little bro has one of those on his shelf) =]
What's worse is that I've let these thoughts manifest into words, and eventually, into behaviors.
OK, here's a little peek inside my un-renewed mind.
Ewwwww, my cellulite is back; what has Mercy done to me? Look at me, I'm huge?
or
I wish I had never gone to Mercy in the first place; at least I had the perfect model-sized body; I could have had so many opportunities, but now I'm fat and I can't do anything and will never amount to anything. I'll never be able to have a relationship with these thighs- what a turn-off!
or
Yummmm, that junk food looks sooooo good. I've had a hard day at work; I deserve it more than anyone in this house; I deserve to have it all! I don't care, I'm already fat.
*Food disappears*
Oh crap. Now I'm never going to lose weight; I am such a failure...
*Rachelle spends day sulking*

Yeah, so binging has crept it's way back in through my reckless thought life. I spent 3 solid days binging on whatever I could grab and hide in my room.
And I hated every minute of those 72 hours. I hated how all I cared about was food, and hoping that the pain I was feeling in my heart would finally subside. Food is a temporary remedy for inward pain. A few bites of chocolate, bread, cheese, sugar- what ever kind of food your soul desires- and suddenly the pain is gone. A few more bites, and suddenly the FOOD is gone...and the pain returns with guilt as its new companion.
This is how binging works- we know it, I know it, I've written many times about it in previous posts; yet this behavior still comes back to haunt me.
WHY?!!!

Here's why:
I'm still hurting.

From what?
I really don't know. But my heart still feels like it's aching.
There's a wound deep inside, and I'm subconsciously trying to bind it up with food and achieving a perfect appearance (notice the two don't go together well).
Honestly, I couldn't lose weight even if I tried because, 1- my body is MESSED UP from past behaviors, and 2- my heart hurts too bad.
Can I really give up binge food and give the real Healer a chance?

Duh! It says in His Word that Jesus can bind up all wounds (Psalm 147:3).
I'm tossing out the fatty, carb-laden, sugar-drenched food, and giving Jesus another shot!
Hey, I have nothing left to lose...
except maybe some water-weight.
=]