More Mercy

Hey everyone! So nothing too disastrous has happened this past week. I've gone an entire week without a full-blown binge. I have managed to sneak a little bit of food and purge it, but overall, I've kept my head this week.
I'm a little nervous about the weeks ahead. I've been invited to several graduation parties, and I have my own grad-party to worry about as well (luckily mine is just a small Japanese dinner). *Sigh* I wish I didn't have to dread happy celebrations.
I'll have to make a success plan with Mary and have my mom and other family members keep me accountable. Yes, I may feel uncomfortable for a while; but I must remember: feelings pass! Letting my emotions control my actions is what leads me to binge and purge. When I have my accountability partners speaking truth into my life, I am able to think logically and separate the facts from the feelings.

Alright, so this week I've haven't been too friendly towards God. I was SUPER pissed actually. I was riding in the car with my dad and my little brothers on Saturday. We were on way to the track for a morning run. Unlike my disposition, the weather was bright and sunny. As I was in the seat next to him, my Dad says, "this is the day the Lord has made, so let us rejoice and be glad in it!"
Yeah, easy for you to say, I thought. You don't have an eating disorder.
In fact, I have three reasons not to rejoice: Anorexia, Bulimia, and binge eating!
I then started screaming at God in my mind:
God! Why couldn't I just stay anorexic? At least I was skinny! Now I'm a crazy binge eating-bulimic-anorexic freak!!! Why did you let this happen? Why didn't you stop this?
When we arrived at the track, my attitude hadn't improved. While my dad and my brothers stretched, I stared at the track and pictured myself running lap after lap, until all traces of fat and flab disappeared. I pictured myself running until there was nothing but a skeleton, just skin and bones with a shuddering heart.
Then the Lord spoke to me.
"Rachelle, I allowed the binge-eating and the bulimia to save you from your anorexia, to save you from yourself!"
I remembered six months ago, when the doctors told me I slowly deteriorating...and I couldn't care less; I wanted to be thin more than anything. I wanted to see how far I could go; I wanted to be as thin as humanly possible.
I would have kept running and restricting until the day I finally felt thin enough- a day that would never come.
I admit, I have never been able to accept the fact that I need to gain weight. Though I'm heavier than I was six months ago, this weight was the product of out of control binge-eating, and it saved me from permanently damaging my body.
So, am I happy I'm bulimic? No! But I am happy to be alive and past my anorexia. With my body shutting down, I was in a dangerous place, literally dying to be thin. The Lord wanted me out of this danger zone as soon as possible, and binge eating was the fastest way out. He showed me mercy by allowing certain circumstances.
I always viewed a binge session as a time of darkness, where God was completely absent. Now I realize that every time I downed a gallon of ice cream, or shoved peanut butter sandwiches down my throat, He was there. At 3:00am, when I would hide in the garage with a carton of milk and a cupboard full of cereal, feeling cold and alone, He was there. He was beside me during every binge. With His wonderful plans for my future, he wasn't going to let me starve myself to death.

The Lord certainly has an interesting way of orchestrating things.
Romans 8:28 says:
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Wow! He causes all things to work together for good!!! All things!!! Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating- the Lord can bring good out of these diseases!
We serve a merciful God!