New Perspectives, New Freedom

Hello my wonderful readers. Thanks again for your messages on facebook; they all mean so much to me, and I'm so grateful for all the support =] Especially my Mercy sisters!!!! I love each and every one of you lovely ladies!!!!

So, this morning I has a 102 degree fever, and felt like the epitome of CRAP!
Now I'm feeling well enough to sit up and type, but I've still been bed ridden all day.

I'm hoping and praying that I feel ok enough to see the Twilight Breaking Dawn premier tonight- I had my tickets bought waaaayyyyyy ahead of time. Maybe I'll just wrap up in a couple blankets and hide a thermos of tea and honey in my purse. I CANT MISS BREAKING DAWN, PART ONE!!!!!!

Hey, all you Twilight haters out there...QUIT HATING!!!!!
You simply don't appreciate the beauty of a vampire, human, werewolf love triangle!

Ok, off the Twilight subject for now. I've gained a whole new perspective on my eating, and it's been super freeing! Ready for it? Here it is:
Eat when you're hungry, and stop when you're full.
Now, for those of you who have always eaten normally, you may be thinking "DUH!"
But this is totally new for me. I've been dieting [eating according to man-made rules] for years and years and years! To hear that I could eat what my body wants- even if its a slice of pizza or a peanut butter and honey sandwich- is astounding to me! It's the real way of eating; listening to my body, feeding it what it needs, and stopping when it's full.
I haven't been eating according to my bodies cues, I've been eating according to rules, rules, and more rules.

Here's the rule I followed when I was five: you must hide your food so it looks like you finished your meal. You are only a "good-girl" if you eat all your food.

Here's the rule I followed when I was a pre-teen: Get the food while you can, because there may not be any left later. Take as much food as you can before your dad and your brothers do! Use your survival instincts! In this house, you snooze, you lose!

Here are the rules I followed in highschool: You must only eat a yogurt and rice cake snacks for lunch. You may not eat between the hours of 2pm and 5pm, or you will gain weight. No carbs at dinner- you will gain weight. If you binge, you may not eat lunch for an entire week, only tea. If you cheat, no eating for the next three days!

The rules got more and more strict: You may not skip a workout. You must run three miles a day and tone a major muscle group or your metabolism may slow down. You may not consume a carbohydrate of any kind; breads and pastas are strictly off limits. You must eliminate all types of fat in your diet. Fats make you fat. No eating after 7pm. Sweets, and sugars are forbidden. If you gain weight, you are a failure.

How miserable do these rules sound? My life revolved around Anorexic rules, diet rules, workout regimens, health rules...no wonder I had a nervous break down!

Mercy Ministries helped me eliminate these dieting rituals...but we still ate according to the clock, and what health professionals had to say. And let me tell you, we girls at Mercy had to go by a LOT of food rules.

Here are some of the Mercy food rules: You must have a serving of vegetables or fruit [it later evolved to 2 servings]. You must have a palm size of protein- no more, no less! You may have one icecream scoop of rice or mashed potatoes. You may not skip a food group! You may only have sweets on the weekend, or cake when there is a birthday. You may have a maximum of 10oz of frozen yogurt at the mall.
Girls with an anorexic background had to be especially monitored. We HAD to eat every scrap of food on our plates, and we were forced to eat when we were not hungry [required snack] between meals, or we would receive a discipline- an extra chore during the week.

Yes, Mercy Ministries and their counseling program helped me immensely, but the program did not set me up for a life of normal, rule-free eating. At Mercy, I was trained to eat everything on my plate, even if I was beyond full; I was trained to eat between meals, and to eat according to the clock, not according to my stomach.
I left Mercy still a bit confused about how to eat like a normal human being.

A few months after my Mercy graduation, I fell back into diet rules and regulations, restricting carbs and stuffing myself with veggies and fruit. Eventually my body cried out for the fat, sugar, and carbs that I had deprived it of, and I went into full on binge-mode.
The binge/restrict cycle began again...and this time I was overweight vs. underweight, so my self hatred grew even more.

This is from a post a few weeks ago; I never published it, so it was saved as a draft. This shows where my mindset was and how frustrated dieting had made me.

"Hey everyone!
So the past couple of weeks, I have not been in close communication with many of my accountability peeps. This has really caused me to try a lot of drastic things in order to lose weight- all which have failed. I gained four pounds on weight watchers online [don't ask me how]. And I've lost around 14 pounds on HCG, then gained 4 more pounds back after binging all weekend long.
Hmmmmmm...
sounds like the same old cycle, huh?

Restrict, binge, try a new diet, fail, spend $400 on more diet stuff, lose a few pounds, gain some back- this all ends in total frustration and I'm left feeling stuck.

So here's my question: how am I supposed to lose weight without going on a diet?
I know I've lost weight before- a dangerous amount of weight. And living the anorexic lifestyle was a living hell for me...
BUT I WANT TO LOSE WIGHT SOOOOOOOO BAD. I can't even express to you how I long to be skinny again. I sometimes cry myself to sleep over mourning my old, beautiful body, a body I spent years sculpting and punishing until it was finally perfect.
I miss walking through the mall and getting double takes, or having a guy insist he help me out with my groceries. I miss the giddy feeling all the attention brought me. I miss being able to fit into whatever I wanted, not having to worry if a skirt was too tight or if I wouldn't be able to button a pair of jeans all the way.
I'm tired about worrying about food, and my weight. Will this ever end?"

I had been crying out to the Lord about my food worries, asking Him if I will ever be able to eat like a normal person.
The Lord knew just how to reach me.
My mom had been packing up her library, when I stumbled upon a book called, The Weigh Down Diet. My first thought was, "Oh boy! A diet book!" But when I read the back, I discovered that it was a Christian book. Not only that, but the main focus of the book was to break the bondage of dieting for good!
I immediately dove into the first chapter. The book is written and narrated by a cute southern woman named Gwen Shamblin. Gwen started out by sharing her story about being consumed by diets, weight worries, and food. She was even a licensed dietition and she still struggled with her weight! She then started to share how the Lord set her free. The answers were not in the man-made dietary rules, but in the Bible! There are so many food related verses in the Bible, and they are there to set us free! One verse even says that no food is "unclean," so I shouldn't worry if a food is a non-diet food; if it's what my body is calling for, then I should let my body have it.
People who have applied the Bible-based principles of this book to their lives have lost a tremendous amount of weight, and have been restored to a healthy, natural weight. They are simply eating the way God intended for us all to eat.

God designed my body (Psalm 135), so I can trust that it will let me know when to eat, what to eat, and how much to eat.
I'm also learning to discern between heart/head hunger, and true stomach hunger. Only God can satisfy the hunger and longing for comfort in my heart- comfort food can't really comfort, in the end, we just want more.
Food doesn't go to the heart, it just gos to the stomach.
I've learned that I've made food an idol in my life. I've run to food, I've worried about food, I've been per-occupied with food. I've depended on food and diets instead of depending on God.
I'm halfway through the book, and I'm sure God has much more to show me.

A week ago, my dad and I talked about and prayed through a hurt that happened to me after my freshman year of high school. This hurt was a root of a lot of rejection and fear- fear that I would never be good enough for any guy. I had never told anyone about this hurt, and my dad was the perfect person to open up to. I told him how I feared I would never find a husband because there are girls out there that are skinnier than me, more outgoing than me, and prettier than me.
My dad assured me that my future husband is going to love ME because I'm ME. He's gonna be head over heals for me, and I will be more than beautiful enough for him. My dad let me cry on his shoulder as he prayed for me- he cried too! I finally let out the hurt and pain I had been storing up for years, and I suddenly felt a strong resolve come over me. "I'll be right back, there's something I have to do,"I said as I ran to my room. I swung open my closet doors and grabbed bottle after bottle of diet liquid, and diet pills. "No more bondage!" I yelled. I dumped the contents of every single bottle down the toilet, hit flush a few times, then ran out into the pouring rain to smash the bottles in the dumpster.
I wiped my feet on the mat, shut the door behind me and smiled;
"I did it," I whispered.