So, yesterday I weighed in at the doctor, and I lost a few pounds (well, more than a few). I have to be completely honest and say that I did this on purpose. Some people were commenting on how I was starting to look a little better; I guess they were trying to encourage me after hearing that I put on five pounds...
Anyway, I got scared, and I restricted my calories and exercised more vigorously than usual to make up for the weight I had put on.
I'm having the hardest time accepting the fact that I HAVE TO get my body mass index up to a healthy level. I know deep down that I can't live the rest of my life underweight...because I'm slowly, but surely deteriorating.
This disorder is so self-destructive, yet I'm hanging on to it because it's what I'm comfortable with- it's familiar. Eating non-diet food and keeping it in my body is still foreign, and still makes me uncomfortable. The thought of putting on weight vs losing weight is even more terrifying.
My dad recently finished a 10 day spiritual fast, drinking only water. When he was having his breakfast this morning, I told him, "I think it takes more faith for me to eat than it does for me to fast." And it's so true! I know exactly what's going to happen when I fast, and I won't have to worry a bit. With eating, I worry because I have that fear of gaining, or not knowing where the weight is going to go (my thighs are my main concern). Right now, I'm freaking out because I don't have a stash of laxatives. I'm having a giant party on Saturday with tons of food, ahhhhhh!
Having my laxative stash has always been my anti-worry fix when it comes to big events (I honestly think I couldn't have gotten through Christmas without it). When I slip up and eat too much, or I get bloated, the laxatives have been what I fall back on. I know they can't get rid of every single calorie, but they have been such a comfort (again, they're what's familiar).
Going without the laxatives is a huge test of faith.
I'm going to have to put every ounce of trust in God this weekend!
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So Rachelle, I think you need to realize that the alternative to eatting is something you don't want. It's a mind game I know. Start programming your mind with the right thinking by reading Scriptures that encourage right thinking and your faith. You can do it! Losing weight can no longer be an option for you. You have to go the other way!
ReplyDeleteI am looking forward to your party, and am praying that it is a wonderful time for you. Ask the Lord to help you enjoy it and also to think the right thoughts!
I love you girl,
Auntie Rhonda