I had a fabulous time with my Grandma and my Mom. We dined and shopped, walked and talked, biked and ran, sang and laughed, relaxed and had a total blast! I'll be puting pictures up on my facebook as soon as I can.
I couldn't have asked for a more special way to celebrate and enjoy my 18th birthday.
Though food was a big part of this trip, I pushed past all my worries and allowed myself to enjoy every taste and treat.
My grandma and I have been going to Solvang since I was a little girl, yet we always find something new and exciting in the quaint, little town. This trip, we discovered a Sushi restaurant that was in walking distance from our hotel (actually, you can walk to anything in Solvang; it's that small). After slurping down hot miso soup and green tea, Mom ordered tempura veggies and chicken, Grandma ordered the Phillie roll, and I ordered the best spicy tuna roll I've ever had. We all agreed this was the yummiest dinner (and, surprisingly,least expensive) on our trip. Over all, my dining experience was almost worry free. I ran a few miles each morning to give myself a little more peace of mind as well.
As soon as I returned home, I returned to my old ways. I grabbed a big box of cereal and a jug of milk, and ate until I was sick and threw up. This relapse was to be expected, but I'm back on track now. I'm trying my best to focus on the positive and appreciate the five days I went without a binge or purge. My dad has been super encouraging, and this morning he told me how proud he was of me. "You went five days Rachelle," he said, "you ran a marathon!"
I bought a new journal when I was in Cambria. Not only will it serve as a memento from my trip, but it will also help me in my recovery. Mary told me that by writing down my meal plan and goals, I'm planning not to binge. Instead of plotting to eat the whole kitchen and vomit it all up, I must do the exact opposite and devise a plan to succeed - which would be writing down what I'm putting in my mouth and sticking to Mary's nutrition plan.
Though my suitcase is unpacked and I'm back in my own house, the road trip is far from over. I'm still on the long road to recovery, and my mom and my grandma are still traveling with me. But this time, God is in the driver seat.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Off on a big adventure
I'm heading out for my road trip in just a few minutes! My mom and my grandma are just about as excited as I am. We're going to Cambria, Hearst Castle, and Solvang! This vacation will give me a chance to eat normally again, since I won't be tempted with a kitchen full of binge food, like at home (it's kind of hard to binge in a restaurant). And by having my mom and my grandma with me constantly, purging won't be an option either. So, I have five fun-filled, binge-free, purge-free days to look forward to!
Oh, on Sunday, I was reading "The Last Song" by Nicolas Sparks, and the Lord totally answered my question. I had asked God earlier about self-control, and how I could obtain it. In "The Last Song, the character, Steve, reads Galatians 5:22-23:
" 22But the fruit of the [Holy] Spirit [the work which His presence within accomplishes] is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness,
23Gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self-restraint, continence)."
-from the Amplified Bible
When our lives are guided by the Holy Spirit, we produce the fruit of the spirit.
On my own, I have no self-control; but with the help of the Holy Spirit, having self-control is not such an impossible task.
Oh, on Sunday, I was reading "The Last Song" by Nicolas Sparks, and the Lord totally answered my question. I had asked God earlier about self-control, and how I could obtain it. In "The Last Song, the character, Steve, reads Galatians 5:22-23:
" 22But the fruit of the [Holy] Spirit [the work which His presence within accomplishes] is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness,
23Gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self-restraint, continence)."
-from the Amplified Bible
When our lives are guided by the Holy Spirit, we produce the fruit of the spirit.
On my own, I have no self-control; but with the help of the Holy Spirit, having self-control is not such an impossible task.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Setbacks...
I'm writing this post from my mobile phone, sitting in my bathroom, with three empty boxes of cereal at my feet. I am too ashamed to come out at the moment. So, I'll just stay put until I'm ready to apologize to my brothers for eating all their coco crispies, frosted mini wheats, and cinnamon toast crunch. Before this little incident, I had five good days in a row. Of course, I won't let this hold me back. I still plan on working out, no matter how discouraged I feel. Running always helps me think a bit clearer, and over all, it makes me feel a whole lot better. Working up a nice sweat is kind of like purging for me...not in a bad way, but in a cleansing, healthy way. Having a time of prayer and a good workout both help me get it together when I need a fresh start. Ok, so I couldn't go two weeks without binging. But really, every day that I go without a binge\purge is a victory...so that makes five of them. I'm shooting for ten more victories in the next week and a half. Hopefully I can avoid any kind of disaster before my road trip.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Bulimia makes me crazy!!! whaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
This weekend was interesting. My party was great! Emotionally, I was able to handle the big crowd and enjoy the company of my friends and family.
As far as food went, I was totally satisfied with a reasonable amount of food. Even though not all the food was considered diet foods or "safe", I still enjoyed what I ate without feeling like I had to analyze every little calorie.
Having my family and friends throw me such a nice party meant sooooo much to me. Every person there was so special to me, and everyone's kindness really touched me.
The issues started when the party was over...and I was all alone with the left over desert. It's becoming a habit for me to eat when I'm alone, whether I want to or not.
Though I had a nice piece of cake with everyone else, I still felt the compulsion to stuff my face when no one was around. I took the time to think some of it through. Did I really want to binge without laxatives? Where will all these calories go if I can't purge them. Should I risk eating all this when vomiting might not work?
I considered these questions; but not once did I ask myself: Why do I want to shove all this cake in my mouth? How am I going to feel after all the cake is gone?
Well, I decided I would eat half the pan of cake and try my best to make it all come back up.
Of course, the cake stayed down, and only the water I chugged came up.
So, as crappy as I felt, I continued to binge on cake and other party left-overs the next morning. I made an attempt to restock my laxative supply later that day. Luckily, my parents were watching out for me, and stopped me before I could even reach the drugstore counter.
Now, I have no intentions of using my birthday money to harm myself with laxatives.
My mom and I set new goals, and I'm starting totally fresh this week. I have a road trip to look forward to, so I want to be as healthy as possible for that. My Grandma and my mom are taking me to Solvang, Cambria, Hearst Castle, and a bunch of different tea houses for my birthday! I really, really, really don't want bulimia to ruin our fun. The trip is in two weeks!
Two weeks of healthy, binge-free eating is not going to kill me :-)
With God's help, nothing is too difficult. Besides, He's helped me do it before, so he can help me do it again.
As far as food went, I was totally satisfied with a reasonable amount of food. Even though not all the food was considered diet foods or "safe", I still enjoyed what I ate without feeling like I had to analyze every little calorie.
Having my family and friends throw me such a nice party meant sooooo much to me. Every person there was so special to me, and everyone's kindness really touched me.
The issues started when the party was over...and I was all alone with the left over desert. It's becoming a habit for me to eat when I'm alone, whether I want to or not.
Though I had a nice piece of cake with everyone else, I still felt the compulsion to stuff my face when no one was around. I took the time to think some of it through. Did I really want to binge without laxatives? Where will all these calories go if I can't purge them. Should I risk eating all this when vomiting might not work?
I considered these questions; but not once did I ask myself: Why do I want to shove all this cake in my mouth? How am I going to feel after all the cake is gone?
Well, I decided I would eat half the pan of cake and try my best to make it all come back up.
Of course, the cake stayed down, and only the water I chugged came up.
So, as crappy as I felt, I continued to binge on cake and other party left-overs the next morning. I made an attempt to restock my laxative supply later that day. Luckily, my parents were watching out for me, and stopped me before I could even reach the drugstore counter.
Now, I have no intentions of using my birthday money to harm myself with laxatives.
My mom and I set new goals, and I'm starting totally fresh this week. I have a road trip to look forward to, so I want to be as healthy as possible for that. My Grandma and my mom are taking me to Solvang, Cambria, Hearst Castle, and a bunch of different tea houses for my birthday! I really, really, really don't want bulimia to ruin our fun. The trip is in two weeks!
Two weeks of healthy, binge-free eating is not going to kill me :-)
With God's help, nothing is too difficult. Besides, He's helped me do it before, so he can help me do it again.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Faith, Faith, Faith
So, yesterday I weighed in at the doctor, and I lost a few pounds (well, more than a few). I have to be completely honest and say that I did this on purpose. Some people were commenting on how I was starting to look a little better; I guess they were trying to encourage me after hearing that I put on five pounds...
Anyway, I got scared, and I restricted my calories and exercised more vigorously than usual to make up for the weight I had put on.
I'm having the hardest time accepting the fact that I HAVE TO get my body mass index up to a healthy level. I know deep down that I can't live the rest of my life underweight...because I'm slowly, but surely deteriorating.
This disorder is so self-destructive, yet I'm hanging on to it because it's what I'm comfortable with- it's familiar. Eating non-diet food and keeping it in my body is still foreign, and still makes me uncomfortable. The thought of putting on weight vs losing weight is even more terrifying.
My dad recently finished a 10 day spiritual fast, drinking only water. When he was having his breakfast this morning, I told him, "I think it takes more faith for me to eat than it does for me to fast." And it's so true! I know exactly what's going to happen when I fast, and I won't have to worry a bit. With eating, I worry because I have that fear of gaining, or not knowing where the weight is going to go (my thighs are my main concern). Right now, I'm freaking out because I don't have a stash of laxatives. I'm having a giant party on Saturday with tons of food, ahhhhhh!
Having my laxative stash has always been my anti-worry fix when it comes to big events (I honestly think I couldn't have gotten through Christmas without it). When I slip up and eat too much, or I get bloated, the laxatives have been what I fall back on. I know they can't get rid of every single calorie, but they have been such a comfort (again, they're what's familiar).
Going without the laxatives is a huge test of faith.
I'm going to have to put every ounce of trust in God this weekend!
Anyway, I got scared, and I restricted my calories and exercised more vigorously than usual to make up for the weight I had put on.
I'm having the hardest time accepting the fact that I HAVE TO get my body mass index up to a healthy level. I know deep down that I can't live the rest of my life underweight...because I'm slowly, but surely deteriorating.
This disorder is so self-destructive, yet I'm hanging on to it because it's what I'm comfortable with- it's familiar. Eating non-diet food and keeping it in my body is still foreign, and still makes me uncomfortable. The thought of putting on weight vs losing weight is even more terrifying.
My dad recently finished a 10 day spiritual fast, drinking only water. When he was having his breakfast this morning, I told him, "I think it takes more faith for me to eat than it does for me to fast." And it's so true! I know exactly what's going to happen when I fast, and I won't have to worry a bit. With eating, I worry because I have that fear of gaining, or not knowing where the weight is going to go (my thighs are my main concern). Right now, I'm freaking out because I don't have a stash of laxatives. I'm having a giant party on Saturday with tons of food, ahhhhhh!
Having my laxative stash has always been my anti-worry fix when it comes to big events (I honestly think I couldn't have gotten through Christmas without it). When I slip up and eat too much, or I get bloated, the laxatives have been what I fall back on. I know they can't get rid of every single calorie, but they have been such a comfort (again, they're what's familiar).
Going without the laxatives is a huge test of faith.
I'm going to have to put every ounce of trust in God this weekend!
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