Hello beautiful readers.
It has been about a year and a half since I last wrote on this blog, and my life has drastically changed since my last post. There have been countless hardships and struggles, but I am able to say that I am alive, and God still has much more planned for me.
I can now say that my future looks bright, but I would not have said that a year ago. I was weighed down by depression, pain, guilt, and shame, and I did not want to reach out for help. During this time I had been in a toxic, controlling, and manipulative relationship, and I felt completely trapped. I was much too afraid to let the man who said he loved me go...and even more afraid of the abuse that might come if I ever tried to break things off.
Friends and family began to notice that this man was not treating me with respect, and strongly urged me to end things with him. I became angry with them, and stopped communicating with them, thinking they were just trying to sabotage my love life. I decided to ignore all the red flags, until I couldn't distinguish them any longer. Soon I could not tell love from abuse, and my life became very dark, very fast.
I didn't know who to turn to in order to deal with the pain, so I turned to alcohol and the party scene. When the numbness of the alcohol didn't seem to help, I turned to my old friend: FOOD. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold a steady job with the way I had been drinking (I had been coming to work hungover almost every shift), but a food addiction could go practically undetected.
Food, once again, became my drug.
I quit the parties and the drinking, and relied solely on food to get me through the day. I gained a drastic amount of weight, and soon my depression worsened.... and I coped with even more food.
I couldn't dare show my face at my old church. My life was spun around lies and secrets to keep people from knowing that I was living an immoral lifestyle.
I was convinced that God was disappointed in me, so I quit talking to Him as well.
I began having horrifying night terrors, and even seeing and hearing demonic apparitions. Hell began to seem a lot more real, and I felt like I could be dragged down at any moment.
One day, in August 2012, I finally cried out to The Lord, "I need to know you care about me!" Moments later, I heard a knock at the door. I opened it, and there stood a friendly looking lady. With a giant grin on her face, she handed me a Bible track with the caption "Why do bad things happen."
The lady said, "I just wanted to let you know that God loves you, and He cares about you,"
With tears streaming down my face, I quickly flipped through the pamphlet, when one verse jumped out at me. It was the very same verse that I had clung to during my battle with Anorexia:
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future,"
I started crying hysterically, and the woman gave me a huge hug, then just held me in her embrace. This was an embrace from Papa God.
After this day, shame began to melt off of me, and I finally reached out to my Mom, who was living with the rest of my family in Redding, CA.
I told her how I had gotten an acceptance letter from Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry months before, and I wanted to move in with her and the rest of the fam, and enroll in the school. She was surprised, but thrilled!
The terrifying part was breaking the news to my boyfriend at the time, but there was grace on that as well. Though he had shown a ton of disappointment, I did not have to endure one of his rageaholic meltdowns.
In September 2012, I moved from Santa Cruz to Redding- it was definitely a change in scenery...and shopping :(
Now that I was five hours away from my boyfriend, I finally felt safe enough to break things off. Once I did, a huge sense of peace came over me, and nervousness and tension left my body.
Once BSSM started up, God immediately started encountering me and revealing His love for me.
I received so much healing, and I had so many people sowing into me, and helping me with my journey.
But it seemed that as soon as I had a breakthrough, the enemy came at me harder. There were so many times I felt like giving up, and I felt like I wasn't cut out for being a student of supernatural ministry; but God proved me wrong every time! I had no idea that I could pray for people and they would get healed, or that I could receive a word of knowledge from the Holy Spirit about someone who needed to experience the Father's love.
Every time I said," I'm no good at this," God would seriously set me up to encounter a miracle, as if to say, "it's not you, its ME THROUGH YOU!"
Though my experiences in Bethel's first year program were amazing, and even life changing, my heart was still hurting. I was still struggling with a great amount of insecurity. Some days, the insecurity would be crippling, and I would often skip class.
I began to isolate myself, instead of reaching out for help, and I soon got caught up in an unhealthy phone relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I told myself and others that we were just back to being friends, but it turned romantic very quickly, and things just went downhill from there.
Shame began to take hold of my life once again, and the secrets I was holding inside started eating away at me. I did not want to connect with Papa God anymore because of the shame, and I started to disconnect with others as well, including my Revival Group Pastor, Carl.
I tried to cut things off with my ex several times, but with no support and accountability, I fell right back into the same cycle- getting all of my love, acceptance, and affirmation from my exboyfriend instead of Papa God.
Jealousy also plagued my heart when I learned that my ex was living with his current girlfriend.
Why is he telling me that he loves me, that he wishes that things could work out between us...when he's living with someone else?
The question I was too afraid to voice was: Why do I want to believe him?
My heart was crying out for love, yet I was too scared to let anyone else but my ex love me. I did not feel worthy of real, authentic love.
Two months before BSSM graduation, I had had several moral slip-ups regarding my ex and I, and I was sure I would be kicked out of ministry school. But instead of condemnation, I was shown grace, and love. My revival group pastor even said, "this doesn't change the way I see you, and I am not disappointed in you." And the ladies in my small group gathered around me in support as I shared with them and apologized for hiding so many things from them.
I couldn't believe the love and support I was shown! This totally modeled Bethel's "Culture of Honor."
I had a tremendous support team who helped me work through the pain I was feeling, and I am so thankful for everyone who helped me, prayed with me, cried with me, and loved on me!
I was able to go through counseling and finally break soul ties with my ex, and cut off communication with him as well.
Its still a step by step process, and I am still in the midst of counseling sessions and inner healing.
On May 10th, 2013, I was able to graduate from 1st year at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, and it was a huge milestone in my life.
God blessed me with so many friends, and so many amazing people who have spoken into my life.
I am still on a journey, but Papa God is by my side every step of the way. This has been the craziest start to a new chapter of my life, and I cant wait to see what He has written on the next page.
~Thank you all for reading. I'll be posting again soon.
Love, Rachelle
Sunday, June 23, 2013
My Right Hand is Healed
Hi wonderful readers!
I'm starting this little blog of mine back up! yay!
It's been about a year and a half since my last post, and it has been far, far too long!
I have had many prophetic words saying that I should start writing over the past year, but so much has been holding me back. I was honestly waiting to have my life all together before I started writing again, but that didn't stop me from starting this blog in the first place, back in 2010.
When I started this blog, I was severely Anorexic and Bulimic, but I also discovered that I had a new found courage that allowed me to open up, be raw, real, and vulnerable through writing.
I'm ready to be just that once again: Raw, Real, and Vulnerable.
God rarely speaks to me through dreams, but when he does they are incredibly vivid.
Last night I had a dream that revealed what is going on in my heart and how it is affecting my relationship with food.
I had been doing so well with my eating for the past few months, but lately I would have strong urges to binge eat, and most of the time, I would give in, and the binges would last for days, following with laxative teas and herbal detoxes to try to flush all the crap out of my system.
Through Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, I had been making so much progress in loving myself and being kind to my body. I had attended workshops and classes, and found a healthy lifestyle that I found sustainable and that I enjoyed.
But after BSSM graduation, these insane binges began to start. I would force terrible foods down my throat; food that made me gag in disgust; foods full of preservatives, toxins, and refined sugar. I would look at the food I was about to inhale and ask, "why am I doing this?."
Well, this dream gave me some insight.
I'm walking in a mall, about to buy some shoes and a handbag, when I see a group of three Bethel ministry students praying in a circle. I dont want them to see me because I am sad and depressed. As I walk past them, I can tell they are on a "treasure hunt." I hear them whisper, "I think its her." I turn around and they are standing next to me. "God want's to heal your right hand," they said. I look down and my right hand is super swollen and red. I say,"ok" kind of sceptical. But they reply,"You haven't been using it lately, but God is healing it right now so you can use it again."
I look down and my hand is completely normal, and I can move all of my fingers with ease. I don't seem that excited, in fact I still seem gloomy.
I tell them, "actually, I need you to pray with me. I have been really down and depressed lately. You see I made some awful mistakes, and I didn't get into the second year at BSSM, and I am so angry with myself."
The ministry students pray with me, and the dream ends.
I woke up from this dream and didnt think much of it, but earlier this evening God began to reveal the meaning to me.
I really did make several mistakes this past year during BSSM first year, but I did not think I was still harboring anger towards myself. But it would totally explain the binge eating, because it is a form of self punishment!
I had no idea why I was binging, but the truth was I was punishing myself for something that God has already forgiven me of!
But here's the thing, I still need to forgive myself. I have been so angry with myself because I have felt like I f*cked up my future.
It's still something I need to work through, but I'll get there, I know I will!
As for the other part of my dream, my right hand being healed signifies my freedom to write again, and shame being broken from this aspect of my life! I love, love, love to write, but I had been living with so much guilt and shame, that I held back and put writing behind me, telling myself it was a thing of that past.
Not any more!
I've also had some prophetic words about a new measure of creativity being released in my life. I paint with my right hand as well as sketch with my right hand, so I'll be expressing myself through art as well. In the past, I had so much perfectionism attached to my artwork, but Papa God is breaking that off! There is so much freedom in art and creativity!
Well beautiful readers, I shall be posting another entry this evening as well.
It will be a bit lengthy, but a lot has happened since my last post back in 2011!
I love you all!
~Rachelle
I'm starting this little blog of mine back up! yay!
It's been about a year and a half since my last post, and it has been far, far too long!
I have had many prophetic words saying that I should start writing over the past year, but so much has been holding me back. I was honestly waiting to have my life all together before I started writing again, but that didn't stop me from starting this blog in the first place, back in 2010.
When I started this blog, I was severely Anorexic and Bulimic, but I also discovered that I had a new found courage that allowed me to open up, be raw, real, and vulnerable through writing.
I'm ready to be just that once again: Raw, Real, and Vulnerable.
God rarely speaks to me through dreams, but when he does they are incredibly vivid.
Last night I had a dream that revealed what is going on in my heart and how it is affecting my relationship with food.
I had been doing so well with my eating for the past few months, but lately I would have strong urges to binge eat, and most of the time, I would give in, and the binges would last for days, following with laxative teas and herbal detoxes to try to flush all the crap out of my system.
Through Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, I had been making so much progress in loving myself and being kind to my body. I had attended workshops and classes, and found a healthy lifestyle that I found sustainable and that I enjoyed.
But after BSSM graduation, these insane binges began to start. I would force terrible foods down my throat; food that made me gag in disgust; foods full of preservatives, toxins, and refined sugar. I would look at the food I was about to inhale and ask, "why am I doing this?."
Well, this dream gave me some insight.
I'm walking in a mall, about to buy some shoes and a handbag, when I see a group of three Bethel ministry students praying in a circle. I dont want them to see me because I am sad and depressed. As I walk past them, I can tell they are on a "treasure hunt." I hear them whisper, "I think its her." I turn around and they are standing next to me. "God want's to heal your right hand," they said. I look down and my right hand is super swollen and red. I say,"ok" kind of sceptical. But they reply,"You haven't been using it lately, but God is healing it right now so you can use it again."
I look down and my hand is completely normal, and I can move all of my fingers with ease. I don't seem that excited, in fact I still seem gloomy.
I tell them, "actually, I need you to pray with me. I have been really down and depressed lately. You see I made some awful mistakes, and I didn't get into the second year at BSSM, and I am so angry with myself."
The ministry students pray with me, and the dream ends.
I woke up from this dream and didnt think much of it, but earlier this evening God began to reveal the meaning to me.
I really did make several mistakes this past year during BSSM first year, but I did not think I was still harboring anger towards myself. But it would totally explain the binge eating, because it is a form of self punishment!
I had no idea why I was binging, but the truth was I was punishing myself for something that God has already forgiven me of!
But here's the thing, I still need to forgive myself. I have been so angry with myself because I have felt like I f*cked up my future.
It's still something I need to work through, but I'll get there, I know I will!
As for the other part of my dream, my right hand being healed signifies my freedom to write again, and shame being broken from this aspect of my life! I love, love, love to write, but I had been living with so much guilt and shame, that I held back and put writing behind me, telling myself it was a thing of that past.
Not any more!
I've also had some prophetic words about a new measure of creativity being released in my life. I paint with my right hand as well as sketch with my right hand, so I'll be expressing myself through art as well. In the past, I had so much perfectionism attached to my artwork, but Papa God is breaking that off! There is so much freedom in art and creativity!
Well beautiful readers, I shall be posting another entry this evening as well.
It will be a bit lengthy, but a lot has happened since my last post back in 2011!
I love you all!
~Rachelle
Thursday, November 17, 2011
New Perspectives, New Freedom
Hello my wonderful readers. Thanks again for your messages on facebook; they all mean so much to me, and I'm so grateful for all the support =] Especially my Mercy sisters!!!! I love each and every one of you lovely ladies!!!!
So, this morning I has a 102 degree fever, and felt like the epitome of CRAP!
Now I'm feeling well enough to sit up and type, but I've still been bed ridden all day.
I'm hoping and praying that I feel ok enough to see the Twilight Breaking Dawn premier tonight- I had my tickets bought waaaayyyyyy ahead of time. Maybe I'll just wrap up in a couple blankets and hide a thermos of tea and honey in my purse. I CANT MISS BREAKING DAWN, PART ONE!!!!!!
Hey, all you Twilight haters out there...QUIT HATING!!!!!
You simply don't appreciate the beauty of a vampire, human, werewolf love triangle!
Ok, off the Twilight subject for now. I've gained a whole new perspective on my eating, and it's been super freeing! Ready for it? Here it is:
Eat when you're hungry, and stop when you're full.
Now, for those of you who have always eaten normally, you may be thinking "DUH!"
But this is totally new for me. I've been dieting [eating according to man-made rules] for years and years and years! To hear that I could eat what my body wants- even if its a slice of pizza or a peanut butter and honey sandwich- is astounding to me! It's the real way of eating; listening to my body, feeding it what it needs, and stopping when it's full.
I haven't been eating according to my bodies cues, I've been eating according to rules, rules, and more rules.
Here's the rule I followed when I was five: you must hide your food so it looks like you finished your meal. You are only a "good-girl" if you eat all your food.
Here's the rule I followed when I was a pre-teen: Get the food while you can, because there may not be any left later. Take as much food as you can before your dad and your brothers do! Use your survival instincts! In this house, you snooze, you lose!
Here are the rules I followed in highschool: You must only eat a yogurt and rice cake snacks for lunch. You may not eat between the hours of 2pm and 5pm, or you will gain weight. No carbs at dinner- you will gain weight. If you binge, you may not eat lunch for an entire week, only tea. If you cheat, no eating for the next three days!
The rules got more and more strict: You may not skip a workout. You must run three miles a day and tone a major muscle group or your metabolism may slow down. You may not consume a carbohydrate of any kind; breads and pastas are strictly off limits. You must eliminate all types of fat in your diet. Fats make you fat. No eating after 7pm. Sweets, and sugars are forbidden. If you gain weight, you are a failure.
How miserable do these rules sound? My life revolved around Anorexic rules, diet rules, workout regimens, health rules...no wonder I had a nervous break down!
Mercy Ministries helped me eliminate these dieting rituals...but we still ate according to the clock, and what health professionals had to say. And let me tell you, we girls at Mercy had to go by a LOT of food rules.
Here are some of the Mercy food rules: You must have a serving of vegetables or fruit [it later evolved to 2 servings]. You must have a palm size of protein- no more, no less! You may have one icecream scoop of rice or mashed potatoes. You may not skip a food group! You may only have sweets on the weekend, or cake when there is a birthday. You may have a maximum of 10oz of frozen yogurt at the mall.
Girls with an anorexic background had to be especially monitored. We HAD to eat every scrap of food on our plates, and we were forced to eat when we were not hungry [required snack] between meals, or we would receive a discipline- an extra chore during the week.
Yes, Mercy Ministries and their counseling program helped me immensely, but the program did not set me up for a life of normal, rule-free eating. At Mercy, I was trained to eat everything on my plate, even if I was beyond full; I was trained to eat between meals, and to eat according to the clock, not according to my stomach.
I left Mercy still a bit confused about how to eat like a normal human being.
A few months after my Mercy graduation, I fell back into diet rules and regulations, restricting carbs and stuffing myself with veggies and fruit. Eventually my body cried out for the fat, sugar, and carbs that I had deprived it of, and I went into full on binge-mode.
The binge/restrict cycle began again...and this time I was overweight vs. underweight, so my self hatred grew even more.
This is from a post a few weeks ago; I never published it, so it was saved as a draft. This shows where my mindset was and how frustrated dieting had made me.
"Hey everyone!
So the past couple of weeks, I have not been in close communication with many of my accountability peeps. This has really caused me to try a lot of drastic things in order to lose weight- all which have failed. I gained four pounds on weight watchers online [don't ask me how]. And I've lost around 14 pounds on HCG, then gained 4 more pounds back after binging all weekend long.
Hmmmmmm...
sounds like the same old cycle, huh?
Restrict, binge, try a new diet, fail, spend $400 on more diet stuff, lose a few pounds, gain some back- this all ends in total frustration and I'm left feeling stuck.
So here's my question: how am I supposed to lose weight without going on a diet?
I know I've lost weight before- a dangerous amount of weight. And living the anorexic lifestyle was a living hell for me...
BUT I WANT TO LOSE WIGHT SOOOOOOOO BAD. I can't even express to you how I long to be skinny again. I sometimes cry myself to sleep over mourning my old, beautiful body, a body I spent years sculpting and punishing until it was finally perfect.
I miss walking through the mall and getting double takes, or having a guy insist he help me out with my groceries. I miss the giddy feeling all the attention brought me. I miss being able to fit into whatever I wanted, not having to worry if a skirt was too tight or if I wouldn't be able to button a pair of jeans all the way.
I'm tired about worrying about food, and my weight. Will this ever end?"
I had been crying out to the Lord about my food worries, asking Him if I will ever be able to eat like a normal person.
The Lord knew just how to reach me.
My mom had been packing up her library, when I stumbled upon a book called, The Weigh Down Diet. My first thought was, "Oh boy! A diet book!" But when I read the back, I discovered that it was a Christian book. Not only that, but the main focus of the book was to break the bondage of dieting for good!
I immediately dove into the first chapter. The book is written and narrated by a cute southern woman named Gwen Shamblin. Gwen started out by sharing her story about being consumed by diets, weight worries, and food. She was even a licensed dietition and she still struggled with her weight! She then started to share how the Lord set her free. The answers were not in the man-made dietary rules, but in the Bible! There are so many food related verses in the Bible, and they are there to set us free! One verse even says that no food is "unclean," so I shouldn't worry if a food is a non-diet food; if it's what my body is calling for, then I should let my body have it.
People who have applied the Bible-based principles of this book to their lives have lost a tremendous amount of weight, and have been restored to a healthy, natural weight. They are simply eating the way God intended for us all to eat.
God designed my body (Psalm 135), so I can trust that it will let me know when to eat, what to eat, and how much to eat.
I'm also learning to discern between heart/head hunger, and true stomach hunger. Only God can satisfy the hunger and longing for comfort in my heart- comfort food can't really comfort, in the end, we just want more.
Food doesn't go to the heart, it just gos to the stomach.
I've learned that I've made food an idol in my life. I've run to food, I've worried about food, I've been per-occupied with food. I've depended on food and diets instead of depending on God.
I'm halfway through the book, and I'm sure God has much more to show me.
A week ago, my dad and I talked about and prayed through a hurt that happened to me after my freshman year of high school. This hurt was a root of a lot of rejection and fear- fear that I would never be good enough for any guy. I had never told anyone about this hurt, and my dad was the perfect person to open up to. I told him how I feared I would never find a husband because there are girls out there that are skinnier than me, more outgoing than me, and prettier than me.
My dad assured me that my future husband is going to love ME because I'm ME. He's gonna be head over heals for me, and I will be more than beautiful enough for him. My dad let me cry on his shoulder as he prayed for me- he cried too! I finally let out the hurt and pain I had been storing up for years, and I suddenly felt a strong resolve come over me. "I'll be right back, there's something I have to do,"I said as I ran to my room. I swung open my closet doors and grabbed bottle after bottle of diet liquid, and diet pills. "No more bondage!" I yelled. I dumped the contents of every single bottle down the toilet, hit flush a few times, then ran out into the pouring rain to smash the bottles in the dumpster.
I wiped my feet on the mat, shut the door behind me and smiled;
"I did it," I whispered.
So, this morning I has a 102 degree fever, and felt like the epitome of CRAP!
Now I'm feeling well enough to sit up and type, but I've still been bed ridden all day.
I'm hoping and praying that I feel ok enough to see the Twilight Breaking Dawn premier tonight- I had my tickets bought waaaayyyyyy ahead of time. Maybe I'll just wrap up in a couple blankets and hide a thermos of tea and honey in my purse. I CANT MISS BREAKING DAWN, PART ONE!!!!!!
Hey, all you Twilight haters out there...QUIT HATING!!!!!
You simply don't appreciate the beauty of a vampire, human, werewolf love triangle!
Ok, off the Twilight subject for now. I've gained a whole new perspective on my eating, and it's been super freeing! Ready for it? Here it is:
Eat when you're hungry, and stop when you're full.
Now, for those of you who have always eaten normally, you may be thinking "DUH!"
But this is totally new for me. I've been dieting [eating according to man-made rules] for years and years and years! To hear that I could eat what my body wants- even if its a slice of pizza or a peanut butter and honey sandwich- is astounding to me! It's the real way of eating; listening to my body, feeding it what it needs, and stopping when it's full.
I haven't been eating according to my bodies cues, I've been eating according to rules, rules, and more rules.
Here's the rule I followed when I was five: you must hide your food so it looks like you finished your meal. You are only a "good-girl" if you eat all your food.
Here's the rule I followed when I was a pre-teen: Get the food while you can, because there may not be any left later. Take as much food as you can before your dad and your brothers do! Use your survival instincts! In this house, you snooze, you lose!
Here are the rules I followed in highschool: You must only eat a yogurt and rice cake snacks for lunch. You may not eat between the hours of 2pm and 5pm, or you will gain weight. No carbs at dinner- you will gain weight. If you binge, you may not eat lunch for an entire week, only tea. If you cheat, no eating for the next three days!
The rules got more and more strict: You may not skip a workout. You must run three miles a day and tone a major muscle group or your metabolism may slow down. You may not consume a carbohydrate of any kind; breads and pastas are strictly off limits. You must eliminate all types of fat in your diet. Fats make you fat. No eating after 7pm. Sweets, and sugars are forbidden. If you gain weight, you are a failure.
How miserable do these rules sound? My life revolved around Anorexic rules, diet rules, workout regimens, health rules...no wonder I had a nervous break down!
Mercy Ministries helped me eliminate these dieting rituals...but we still ate according to the clock, and what health professionals had to say. And let me tell you, we girls at Mercy had to go by a LOT of food rules.
Here are some of the Mercy food rules: You must have a serving of vegetables or fruit [it later evolved to 2 servings]. You must have a palm size of protein- no more, no less! You may have one icecream scoop of rice or mashed potatoes. You may not skip a food group! You may only have sweets on the weekend, or cake when there is a birthday. You may have a maximum of 10oz of frozen yogurt at the mall.
Girls with an anorexic background had to be especially monitored. We HAD to eat every scrap of food on our plates, and we were forced to eat when we were not hungry [required snack] between meals, or we would receive a discipline- an extra chore during the week.
Yes, Mercy Ministries and their counseling program helped me immensely, but the program did not set me up for a life of normal, rule-free eating. At Mercy, I was trained to eat everything on my plate, even if I was beyond full; I was trained to eat between meals, and to eat according to the clock, not according to my stomach.
I left Mercy still a bit confused about how to eat like a normal human being.
A few months after my Mercy graduation, I fell back into diet rules and regulations, restricting carbs and stuffing myself with veggies and fruit. Eventually my body cried out for the fat, sugar, and carbs that I had deprived it of, and I went into full on binge-mode.
The binge/restrict cycle began again...and this time I was overweight vs. underweight, so my self hatred grew even more.
This is from a post a few weeks ago; I never published it, so it was saved as a draft. This shows where my mindset was and how frustrated dieting had made me.
"Hey everyone!
So the past couple of weeks, I have not been in close communication with many of my accountability peeps. This has really caused me to try a lot of drastic things in order to lose weight- all which have failed. I gained four pounds on weight watchers online [don't ask me how]. And I've lost around 14 pounds on HCG, then gained 4 more pounds back after binging all weekend long.
Hmmmmmm...
sounds like the same old cycle, huh?
Restrict, binge, try a new diet, fail, spend $400 on more diet stuff, lose a few pounds, gain some back- this all ends in total frustration and I'm left feeling stuck.
So here's my question: how am I supposed to lose weight without going on a diet?
I know I've lost weight before- a dangerous amount of weight. And living the anorexic lifestyle was a living hell for me...
BUT I WANT TO LOSE WIGHT SOOOOOOOO BAD. I can't even express to you how I long to be skinny again. I sometimes cry myself to sleep over mourning my old, beautiful body, a body I spent years sculpting and punishing until it was finally perfect.
I miss walking through the mall and getting double takes, or having a guy insist he help me out with my groceries. I miss the giddy feeling all the attention brought me. I miss being able to fit into whatever I wanted, not having to worry if a skirt was too tight or if I wouldn't be able to button a pair of jeans all the way.
I'm tired about worrying about food, and my weight. Will this ever end?"
I had been crying out to the Lord about my food worries, asking Him if I will ever be able to eat like a normal person.
The Lord knew just how to reach me.
My mom had been packing up her library, when I stumbled upon a book called, The Weigh Down Diet. My first thought was, "Oh boy! A diet book!" But when I read the back, I discovered that it was a Christian book. Not only that, but the main focus of the book was to break the bondage of dieting for good!
I immediately dove into the first chapter. The book is written and narrated by a cute southern woman named Gwen Shamblin. Gwen started out by sharing her story about being consumed by diets, weight worries, and food. She was even a licensed dietition and she still struggled with her weight! She then started to share how the Lord set her free. The answers were not in the man-made dietary rules, but in the Bible! There are so many food related verses in the Bible, and they are there to set us free! One verse even says that no food is "unclean," so I shouldn't worry if a food is a non-diet food; if it's what my body is calling for, then I should let my body have it.
People who have applied the Bible-based principles of this book to their lives have lost a tremendous amount of weight, and have been restored to a healthy, natural weight. They are simply eating the way God intended for us all to eat.
God designed my body (Psalm 135), so I can trust that it will let me know when to eat, what to eat, and how much to eat.
I'm also learning to discern between heart/head hunger, and true stomach hunger. Only God can satisfy the hunger and longing for comfort in my heart- comfort food can't really comfort, in the end, we just want more.
Food doesn't go to the heart, it just gos to the stomach.
I've learned that I've made food an idol in my life. I've run to food, I've worried about food, I've been per-occupied with food. I've depended on food and diets instead of depending on God.
I'm halfway through the book, and I'm sure God has much more to show me.
A week ago, my dad and I talked about and prayed through a hurt that happened to me after my freshman year of high school. This hurt was a root of a lot of rejection and fear- fear that I would never be good enough for any guy. I had never told anyone about this hurt, and my dad was the perfect person to open up to. I told him how I feared I would never find a husband because there are girls out there that are skinnier than me, more outgoing than me, and prettier than me.
My dad assured me that my future husband is going to love ME because I'm ME. He's gonna be head over heals for me, and I will be more than beautiful enough for him. My dad let me cry on his shoulder as he prayed for me- he cried too! I finally let out the hurt and pain I had been storing up for years, and I suddenly felt a strong resolve come over me. "I'll be right back, there's something I have to do,"I said as I ran to my room. I swung open my closet doors and grabbed bottle after bottle of diet liquid, and diet pills. "No more bondage!" I yelled. I dumped the contents of every single bottle down the toilet, hit flush a few times, then ran out into the pouring rain to smash the bottles in the dumpster.
I wiped my feet on the mat, shut the door behind me and smiled;
"I did it," I whispered.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Giving Up Control
Hi everyone!
So, my last post was a bit dark; but I'm happy to say that things are looking up.
Life has been so CRAZY! During the last few months, I've had to deal with losing our house, and my family not being able to make ends meet.
I immediately tried to take matters into my own hands, thinking if my parents can't get us out of this mess, then I guess its up to me.
I started a skincare business with Arbonne International. While things are going well with the business, I hadn't realized all the work and stress that would come along with starting something so new and foreign to me as a job in sales and network marketing.
Let me tell you, selling makeup and skincare in NOT as simple as it sounds...and definitely not as easy.
I went into the company thinking I would be able to move up right away; after all, my up-line made it sound so easy. What she didn't mention was all the phone calls I would have to make.
PHONE CALLS?
I HATE talking to people on the phone. It's my WORST fear!
And that's what most of this business is: making phone calls in order to book parties, place orders, follow up with clients, and tell people about the business opportunities.
In order to move up in this business, I would have to be on the phone 24/7. I would never be able to leave work! That's the problem I have with home-based businesses- when I'm at home, I'm at work! How miserable is that?
So yeah, I've found a way to make Arbonne totally fun and enjoyable now: Parties!!! I set up all my beautiful make up and skincare products at a hostess's house, do a product demo, get orders, and make a profit off the sales from the party. That's simple enough for me to still be enjoyable.
Anything else, I'm crossing the line! No more sitting at a booth for hours, just to get a couple phone numbers of "possible" clients who "might" be interested. That kind of thing is not for me! Making phone calls to almost complete strangers, then getting hung up on...yeah, not for me.
Ok, enough about the Arbonne Biz.
So I've been under HUGE stress and constant worry about our house and finances. Since the house thing is something that I can't help, I suddenly felt like my world was falling apart. If it had been my fault, I actually would have felt better about it.
But it's nothing I did, and now there's nothing I can do.
Isn't that the worst feeling in the world?!
I've spent the last 3 months feeling completely helpless, and out of control.
I wanted to take back control SO bad! I wanted to make everything alright. I wanted to put our family back together. I wanted to save our house, somehow, some way. I wanted to fix it all.
I didn't want change to happen.
...But God did.
He knew if we stayed where we were, we would be stuck, both financially and spiritually. My dad and I would be frantically trying our hardest to make money in a place where opportunity is slim. My mom would be stuck working her stressful sales job, while my brothers are lonely doing school at home. And we would be living in a town that I really didn't like to begin with.
And I didn't want change...
Change can be the best, yet scariest thing in the world.
When I was a little girl, someone asked me if I would rather be blind or deaf. I anwered, "I would much rather be deaf, that way I could at least see where I'm going."
I guess I've always felt like I needed to see exactly where I was going, and where life was taking me next; never wanting to close my eyes, afraid I might lose sight of what's ahead.
But sometimes, it's best to be that blind girl- to close my analytical eyes, and to open my ears to what God has to say.
"You don't have to worry about your future, Rachelle. You don't have to see everything to believe that what I have for you is good. You don't have to bend the road, it's already perfect. Trust Me. Follow Me blind, it's more of an adventure that way. Follow my voice, not your eyes."
He's leading me to some pretty wild places, places I would never think of on my own; but that's exactly how He works. When I give control to Him, He takes me farther than i could imagine, deeper than I could ever dream, and higher than what would ever seem possible.
To be continued...
So, my last post was a bit dark; but I'm happy to say that things are looking up.
Life has been so CRAZY! During the last few months, I've had to deal with losing our house, and my family not being able to make ends meet.
I immediately tried to take matters into my own hands, thinking if my parents can't get us out of this mess, then I guess its up to me.
I started a skincare business with Arbonne International. While things are going well with the business, I hadn't realized all the work and stress that would come along with starting something so new and foreign to me as a job in sales and network marketing.
Let me tell you, selling makeup and skincare in NOT as simple as it sounds...and definitely not as easy.
I went into the company thinking I would be able to move up right away; after all, my up-line made it sound so easy. What she didn't mention was all the phone calls I would have to make.
PHONE CALLS?
I HATE talking to people on the phone. It's my WORST fear!
And that's what most of this business is: making phone calls in order to book parties, place orders, follow up with clients, and tell people about the business opportunities.
In order to move up in this business, I would have to be on the phone 24/7. I would never be able to leave work! That's the problem I have with home-based businesses- when I'm at home, I'm at work! How miserable is that?
So yeah, I've found a way to make Arbonne totally fun and enjoyable now: Parties!!! I set up all my beautiful make up and skincare products at a hostess's house, do a product demo, get orders, and make a profit off the sales from the party. That's simple enough for me to still be enjoyable.
Anything else, I'm crossing the line! No more sitting at a booth for hours, just to get a couple phone numbers of "possible" clients who "might" be interested. That kind of thing is not for me! Making phone calls to almost complete strangers, then getting hung up on...yeah, not for me.
Ok, enough about the Arbonne Biz.
So I've been under HUGE stress and constant worry about our house and finances. Since the house thing is something that I can't help, I suddenly felt like my world was falling apart. If it had been my fault, I actually would have felt better about it.
But it's nothing I did, and now there's nothing I can do.
Isn't that the worst feeling in the world?!
I've spent the last 3 months feeling completely helpless, and out of control.
I wanted to take back control SO bad! I wanted to make everything alright. I wanted to put our family back together. I wanted to save our house, somehow, some way. I wanted to fix it all.
I didn't want change to happen.
...But God did.
He knew if we stayed where we were, we would be stuck, both financially and spiritually. My dad and I would be frantically trying our hardest to make money in a place where opportunity is slim. My mom would be stuck working her stressful sales job, while my brothers are lonely doing school at home. And we would be living in a town that I really didn't like to begin with.
And I didn't want change...
Change can be the best, yet scariest thing in the world.
When I was a little girl, someone asked me if I would rather be blind or deaf. I anwered, "I would much rather be deaf, that way I could at least see where I'm going."
I guess I've always felt like I needed to see exactly where I was going, and where life was taking me next; never wanting to close my eyes, afraid I might lose sight of what's ahead.
But sometimes, it's best to be that blind girl- to close my analytical eyes, and to open my ears to what God has to say.
"You don't have to worry about your future, Rachelle. You don't have to see everything to believe that what I have for you is good. You don't have to bend the road, it's already perfect. Trust Me. Follow Me blind, it's more of an adventure that way. Follow my voice, not your eyes."
He's leading me to some pretty wild places, places I would never think of on my own; but that's exactly how He works. When I give control to Him, He takes me farther than i could imagine, deeper than I could ever dream, and higher than what would ever seem possible.
To be continued...
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Does it ever end?
I can't tell you how discouraged I am right now.
How could I go back when I promised myself, my family, and God that I wouldn't?
So I went back...waaayyyyy back, so far back that I can't give details (though previous posts have been rather graphic). It's shameful to think that so many young ladies look up to me now, and here I am back in that hideous binge/purge/diet/restrict pattern again.
I'm stuck.
I need help.
I'm not hiding anymore.
No more secrets, no more lies, no more deception.
I want this to end once and for all!
I need God to come to my rescue; I need friends to stand by my side; I need family to support and encourage me; and I know it all starts with me reaching out for help.
So, this is me reaching out for help.
There has got to be a miracle out there for me- that's what it's gonna take to get me out of the deepest pit I've ever been in.
"But when [Rachelle] cried out to the Lord for help, the Lord raised up a rescuer to save [her]." Judges 3:9
How could I go back when I promised myself, my family, and God that I wouldn't?
So I went back...waaayyyyy back, so far back that I can't give details (though previous posts have been rather graphic). It's shameful to think that so many young ladies look up to me now, and here I am back in that hideous binge/purge/diet/restrict pattern again.
I'm stuck.
I need help.
I'm not hiding anymore.
No more secrets, no more lies, no more deception.
I want this to end once and for all!
I need God to come to my rescue; I need friends to stand by my side; I need family to support and encourage me; and I know it all starts with me reaching out for help.
So, this is me reaching out for help.
There has got to be a miracle out there for me- that's what it's gonna take to get me out of the deepest pit I've ever been in.
"But when [Rachelle] cried out to the Lord for help, the Lord raised up a rescuer to save [her]." Judges 3:9
Monday, May 30, 2011
Vacation Blues
Grrrrrr!!!!
Why do I binge every time I go on vacation???!!!
Yeah, so as you all have noticed...I LOVE FOOD!
And vacation food is just ohhhhh soooooo tempting and yummy. I think most people struggle with over eating when they go on vay-cay, but I take it much more seriously. I know all the physiological and emotional issues behind over eating and binging, yet I still do it. It FEELS good.
...and now, I feel gross.
but good news: no purging or laxatives were involved; just a whole lot of chocolate, ice cream and french fries.
Can I be honest with all 'yall?
I feel just about as chubby, fat, and unattractive as I did three years ago, before I went all crazy with the weight loss programs and all that crap.
I don't- I repeat- don't want to fall back into that cycle. I hated dieting, restricting, and the constant worry of gaining weight. I hate the weight, size, and shape I am now; but I can't do anything about it without going back down that road again. I'm caught between a crappy rock and a hard place, dang it!
I just wanna be thin again!!!!!!!!!!
But then I must wonder...why??? Why do I want desperately to be thin again? Why is that suddenly my goal in life?
Man, it's soooo easy to put my security in my outward appearance rather than who God says I am. And here's why: people can make judgements based on appearance right off the bat. They can say, "oh, she's beautiful so she's valuable."
Oh! More wrong thinking! Again, I'm letting others determine my value when that's been God's job all along.
It's that dumb cycle again. I get thin, people approve of me, they value me, I suddenly feel valued, and my worth and value is based on my appearance.
I know it's wrong!!! I know it, I know it, I know it! That's why I'm taking the time to write out my thought patterns tonight- so I can identify where my thinking is warped. It all starts when I let others put a price tag on me. I can't let others determine my worth and value! My value is in who I am in Christ, not who the world says I am...the world gets it wrong every time! The world says, "Rachelle has chubby thighs and saddle bags, so she's not worth anything," or, "Rachelle isn't nearly as outgoing and bubbly as she should be, so she's not as valuable as the other girls."
Yeah, those of you who know me may be thinking, oh, but I've always valued Rachelle! (at least that's my hope...)
But the rest of the world probably finds me inferior next to most girls.
Hold a picture of my hips and thighs next to a photo of Megan Fox and one word comes to mind: INFERIOR!
Compare my personality to the rest of my friends and you'll know what I mean: Hmmmm, how should we describe Rachelle? Boring, shy, quiet, not talkative enough.
So the world is hard on girls like me. And that's why I can't let the world tell me how valuable I am- there just gonna tell me a big fat lie!
How do I know the world is lying?
Because God says otherwise!!! His Word is the Truth! He tells me in His Word that I am loved and beautiful, and there is no flaw in me! (Song of Solomon 4:7)
He says I am of great worth and value, and that I am a masterpiece! (Ephesians 2:10)
So yes, I'm probably the heaviest weight I've been in my entire life, but that doesn't change my TRUE worth or my value (yes, it certainly changes my value in the world's eyes- we can't deny that). But the world does not have the right to steal my joy, my happiness, and my confidence. I am confident in Christ and who God has made me! I refuse to base my identity on my outward appearance and my weight!
...my weight may go up and down, but my worth and value stays always the same.
~For all the daughters of The King:
Proverbs 31
A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman (that's us!!!)-She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls...Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised! (Yay!)
-Amplified Bible
Why do I binge every time I go on vacation???!!!
Yeah, so as you all have noticed...I LOVE FOOD!
And vacation food is just ohhhhh soooooo tempting and yummy. I think most people struggle with over eating when they go on vay-cay, but I take it much more seriously. I know all the physiological and emotional issues behind over eating and binging, yet I still do it. It FEELS good.
...and now, I feel gross.
but good news: no purging or laxatives were involved; just a whole lot of chocolate, ice cream and french fries.
Can I be honest with all 'yall?
I feel just about as chubby, fat, and unattractive as I did three years ago, before I went all crazy with the weight loss programs and all that crap.
I don't- I repeat- don't want to fall back into that cycle. I hated dieting, restricting, and the constant worry of gaining weight. I hate the weight, size, and shape I am now; but I can't do anything about it without going back down that road again. I'm caught between a crappy rock and a hard place, dang it!
I just wanna be thin again!!!!!!!!!!
But then I must wonder...why??? Why do I want desperately to be thin again? Why is that suddenly my goal in life?
Man, it's soooo easy to put my security in my outward appearance rather than who God says I am. And here's why: people can make judgements based on appearance right off the bat. They can say, "oh, she's beautiful so she's valuable."
Oh! More wrong thinking! Again, I'm letting others determine my value when that's been God's job all along.
It's that dumb cycle again. I get thin, people approve of me, they value me, I suddenly feel valued, and my worth and value is based on my appearance.
I know it's wrong!!! I know it, I know it, I know it! That's why I'm taking the time to write out my thought patterns tonight- so I can identify where my thinking is warped. It all starts when I let others put a price tag on me. I can't let others determine my worth and value! My value is in who I am in Christ, not who the world says I am...the world gets it wrong every time! The world says, "Rachelle has chubby thighs and saddle bags, so she's not worth anything," or, "Rachelle isn't nearly as outgoing and bubbly as she should be, so she's not as valuable as the other girls."
Yeah, those of you who know me may be thinking, oh, but I've always valued Rachelle! (at least that's my hope...)
But the rest of the world probably finds me inferior next to most girls.
Hold a picture of my hips and thighs next to a photo of Megan Fox and one word comes to mind: INFERIOR!
Compare my personality to the rest of my friends and you'll know what I mean: Hmmmm, how should we describe Rachelle? Boring, shy, quiet, not talkative enough.
So the world is hard on girls like me. And that's why I can't let the world tell me how valuable I am- there just gonna tell me a big fat lie!
How do I know the world is lying?
Because God says otherwise!!! His Word is the Truth! He tells me in His Word that I am loved and beautiful, and there is no flaw in me! (Song of Solomon 4:7)
He says I am of great worth and value, and that I am a masterpiece! (Ephesians 2:10)
So yes, I'm probably the heaviest weight I've been in my entire life, but that doesn't change my TRUE worth or my value (yes, it certainly changes my value in the world's eyes- we can't deny that). But the world does not have the right to steal my joy, my happiness, and my confidence. I am confident in Christ and who God has made me! I refuse to base my identity on my outward appearance and my weight!
...my weight may go up and down, but my worth and value stays always the same.
~For all the daughters of The King:
Proverbs 31
A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman (that's us!!!)-She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls...Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised! (Yay!)
-Amplified Bible
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Blessing vs. Cursing
Hey everyone!
I've been praying and fasting for almost a week straight now (and when I say fasting, I don't necessarily mean food, but worldly influences and things that would draw me away from the Lord),and the Lord has already shown me some "whys" concerning the pain in my heart. He's shown me why unforgiveness creates such a freakin' deep hole in our souls!
Take a moment to think about unforgiveness...
now, think about what you think when harboring unforgiveness toward someone...
Let's say I can't forgive someone (well, I always can...but say I just don't want to), the thoughts that I have toward that person aren't positive. In fact, unforgiveness causes me to wish harm or misfortune upon those I chose not to forgive. I may think, "I hope they get what they deserve," or, "I hope ____ would happen to them." These are thoughts of revenge and payback for what these people did to me.
A few days ago, I was worshiping in my bathroom while putting on my makeup (Shout out to Bare Minerals! *Whoop Whoop!*), when the Lord spoke to my heart. He prompted me to start blessing people.
I thought, OK...where are you going with this Lord???
Instantly, the Lord put two people in my mind- two guys who had hurt me, and who I thought I had already forgiven. Then I started resisting; I didn't want to bless these people, they had HURT me!!!
That's when the realization smacked me in the head: I still hadn't forgiven them; I didn't want them to be blessed. In fact I wanted quite the opposite- but I'll get to that in a minute...
So I started blessing these guys. I spoke a blessing out loud, a blessing of life, prosperity, and abundance. I suddenly felt something in me change! I felt God doing a work in my soul as I spoke that blessing! That hole in my heart from being rejected by those boys was being "bound up" and healed! (Psalm 147:3)
The Lord then began to show me that holding unforgiveness had the opposite effect of speaking blessings. What's the opposite of a blessing???
A CURSE.
I thought, whoa God! Cursing? Really? That's so...out there, like in the witchcraft category.
But, again, when we don't want to forgive someone, deep down inside we hope that something awful would happen to them- something to get them back for the pain they caused us.
So this afternoon, I looked up the definition for the word "curse," and what I found just about floored me!
Ready?
Curse
noun /kərs/
curses, plural
1. A solemn utterance intended to invoke a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on someone or something
2. A cause of harm or misery
3. An offensive word or phrase used to express anger or annoyance
Whoa! Pretty intense stuff, right?
Take a good look at that first definition and think back to a time when you harbored unforgiveness against someone. Can you remember making any "solemn utterances?" Something like, "I can't believe they did that to me," or, "I never want to talk to her again after what she said."
I sure can recall my fair share of these solemn utterances. And they don't even have to be out loud! I remember something Joyce Meyer said in one of her teachings: "If it's going on in your mind, then it's going on!"
We may not realize it, but we curse people in our own heads. We wish harm upon them in our minds. I know I've told myself, "but I don't really wish that for them." But the truth is: Thoughts are real! If I wish it in my mind, then I really do wish it!
Let's take the supernatural part of that definition; it says our utterances intend to invoke a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on someone. Now, not everyone who holds unforgiveness believes in a supernatural power, because not everyone in the world is spiritual or religious. But, your average American does believe in fate, chance, or luck. So, an unbeliever would want fate to turn against that person who had hurt him. Anyone who holds unforgiveness wishes some higher power would punish those who did them wrong. That's the nature of a curse.
So here's were it gets a little interesting:
Since curses involve the supernatural, unforgiveness suddenly opens the door to the (you guessed it) supernatural! And, since there are only two powers in the supernatural realm- the Heavenly and the Demonic- guess what force is backing the curses we utter in our minds...the DEMONIC!
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
oh, wait, don't get too scared now =] Because greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world! (1 John 4:4) -That's my comfort scripture =]
Ok, so the curses in our minds open the door to the demonic and give demonic forces a right to affect our minds; and our minds are a part of our soul! Curses allow the devil to create wounds in our souls! This is why unforgiveness is sooooooo nasty! It attracts evil like a magnet.
But there's super awesome good news!!!! Guess what attracts heavenly power???
BLESSINGS!!!!! Yay!
Check it out: our blessings allow the Lord's power to come and heal up those wounds that our unforgiveness caused! We wish good upon those who have hurt us instead of wishing harm, and suddenly that good begins to permeate our hearts. Try to picture the angles in heaven when they suddenly hear us uttering blessings instead of curses; they would say, "Yes! She opened the door for us to minister to her! Now the Holy Spirit can come in, do His thing, and heal her broken heart!"
Not only that, but the power that is backing our blessings is MUCH greater than the power backing our curses. This means that the Holy Spirit is also driving away the demonic when we speak blessings! Those dumb demons will run off with their tails between their legs when we start blessing those who have hurt us.
So we've basically covered the first two deffinitions; but I want to make a point about the last one. A swear word is often called a curse. Why do we yell curse words? To express Anger!!! Grrrrr!!! "&%#$!" "$%&#!" "@%#$!"
Anger often accompanies unforgivess. I remember being soooooo angry about being ignored by those two guys. I remember thinking, "How could he ignore me after being so infatuated with me earlier? How dare he give all his attention to that other girl! I've worked way too hard on this body to go unnoticed!" My anger welled up more and more, and the curses started to flow in the dialogue of my mind: I hope he has a miserable life! I hope he crashes in that stupid car as he drives away without saying goodbye! That jerk!
Anger and unforgiveness go hand in hand.
I want to share a story with you about the unforgiveness I held against my brother as a child. I convinced myself that I hated my bother when I was young. Being autistic, he demanded most of my mother's attention, and I often felt alone, unwanted, and unimportant. I would lash out at him in physical violence, kicking, elbowing, tripping, punching, jabbing- anything to stop him from stealing my mother away. Not only was I physically abusive towards him, but I was also verbally abusive. I remember poking my head into his room and muttering under my breath, "I hate you," trying to make the words sound as sinister as possible (of course, how sinister could a seven year old little girl sound?).
I held deep unforgiveness toward my brother and cursed him practically every day of my young life; you can imagine the festering wound this created in my heart.
Working through this issue with my counselor at Mercy was the greatest breakthrough I experienced. I lifted my hurt and my pain to the Lord and asked Him to forgive me for being abusive toward my brother, and I also forgave my brother for the hurt he caused me, knowing that he didn't intend to hurt me at all. I forgave my mother for leaving me on my own as a child- this too was not intended, and I forgave her for the emotional pain this left.
Then, the Lord gave me a vision, a vision more beautiful than I could have ever imagined:
As soon as I was done praying, the Lord gave me a picture of my mom in the hospital. She was crying with her forhead resting against the glass of an incubator...and I was inside. I could see I was hooked up to a bunch of wires and monitors, and I could hear the sounds of the machines beeping along with my mother's sobs. The Lord spoke to me then and said, "Rachelle, she wants you." I was suddenly shown another picture of my Mom with tears streaming down her face, holding me tightly, rocking me back and forth while I was still hooked up to the machines; I could even see the iv in my head. The Lord spoke to my heart again, "You're mother is scared, Rachelle; she's afraid she'll loose you. She wants you to live; she values your life. Your mother loves you, SHE WANTS YOU!"
When the vision was over, I burst out in hysteric sobs. I told my counselor how I had been born 2 months early, and had a very slim chance of surviving. I couldn't imagine how terrified my mother could have been during this time, but the Lord let me know that she certainly didn't want to let me go.
This vision erased all the lies about being unloved, unwanted, and unimportant as a child. My mom does love me, she does value me, and she WANTS me!
I wanted to use that story to illustrate the power of forgiveness, and blessing. I had to make a deliberate choice to bless my brother and my mom, and the pain in my heart made it the more difficult choice; but choosing to bless instead of curse allows the Lord to work in wonderful, marvelous, and mighty ways.
"I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live
and may love the Lord your God, obey His voice, and cling to Him."
Deuteronomy 30:19-20 (Amplified Bible)
I've been praying and fasting for almost a week straight now (and when I say fasting, I don't necessarily mean food, but worldly influences and things that would draw me away from the Lord),and the Lord has already shown me some "whys" concerning the pain in my heart. He's shown me why unforgiveness creates such a freakin' deep hole in our souls!
Take a moment to think about unforgiveness...
now, think about what you think when harboring unforgiveness toward someone...
Let's say I can't forgive someone (well, I always can...but say I just don't want to), the thoughts that I have toward that person aren't positive. In fact, unforgiveness causes me to wish harm or misfortune upon those I chose not to forgive. I may think, "I hope they get what they deserve," or, "I hope ____ would happen to them." These are thoughts of revenge and payback for what these people did to me.
A few days ago, I was worshiping in my bathroom while putting on my makeup (Shout out to Bare Minerals! *Whoop Whoop!*), when the Lord spoke to my heart. He prompted me to start blessing people.
I thought, OK...where are you going with this Lord???
Instantly, the Lord put two people in my mind- two guys who had hurt me, and who I thought I had already forgiven. Then I started resisting; I didn't want to bless these people, they had HURT me!!!
That's when the realization smacked me in the head: I still hadn't forgiven them; I didn't want them to be blessed. In fact I wanted quite the opposite- but I'll get to that in a minute...
So I started blessing these guys. I spoke a blessing out loud, a blessing of life, prosperity, and abundance. I suddenly felt something in me change! I felt God doing a work in my soul as I spoke that blessing! That hole in my heart from being rejected by those boys was being "bound up" and healed! (Psalm 147:3)
The Lord then began to show me that holding unforgiveness had the opposite effect of speaking blessings. What's the opposite of a blessing???
A CURSE.
I thought, whoa God! Cursing? Really? That's so...out there, like in the witchcraft category.
But, again, when we don't want to forgive someone, deep down inside we hope that something awful would happen to them- something to get them back for the pain they caused us.
So this afternoon, I looked up the definition for the word "curse," and what I found just about floored me!
Ready?
Curse
noun /kərs/
curses, plural
1. A solemn utterance intended to invoke a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on someone or something
2. A cause of harm or misery
3. An offensive word or phrase used to express anger or annoyance
Whoa! Pretty intense stuff, right?
Take a good look at that first definition and think back to a time when you harbored unforgiveness against someone. Can you remember making any "solemn utterances?" Something like, "I can't believe they did that to me," or, "I never want to talk to her again after what she said."
I sure can recall my fair share of these solemn utterances. And they don't even have to be out loud! I remember something Joyce Meyer said in one of her teachings: "If it's going on in your mind, then it's going on!"
We may not realize it, but we curse people in our own heads. We wish harm upon them in our minds. I know I've told myself, "but I don't really wish that for them." But the truth is: Thoughts are real! If I wish it in my mind, then I really do wish it!
Let's take the supernatural part of that definition; it says our utterances intend to invoke a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on someone. Now, not everyone who holds unforgiveness believes in a supernatural power, because not everyone in the world is spiritual or religious. But, your average American does believe in fate, chance, or luck. So, an unbeliever would want fate to turn against that person who had hurt him. Anyone who holds unforgiveness wishes some higher power would punish those who did them wrong. That's the nature of a curse.
So here's were it gets a little interesting:
Since curses involve the supernatural, unforgiveness suddenly opens the door to the (you guessed it) supernatural! And, since there are only two powers in the supernatural realm- the Heavenly and the Demonic- guess what force is backing the curses we utter in our minds...the DEMONIC!
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
oh, wait, don't get too scared now =] Because greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world! (1 John 4:4) -That's my comfort scripture =]
Ok, so the curses in our minds open the door to the demonic and give demonic forces a right to affect our minds; and our minds are a part of our soul! Curses allow the devil to create wounds in our souls! This is why unforgiveness is sooooooo nasty! It attracts evil like a magnet.
But there's super awesome good news!!!! Guess what attracts heavenly power???
BLESSINGS!!!!! Yay!
Check it out: our blessings allow the Lord's power to come and heal up those wounds that our unforgiveness caused! We wish good upon those who have hurt us instead of wishing harm, and suddenly that good begins to permeate our hearts. Try to picture the angles in heaven when they suddenly hear us uttering blessings instead of curses; they would say, "Yes! She opened the door for us to minister to her! Now the Holy Spirit can come in, do His thing, and heal her broken heart!"
Not only that, but the power that is backing our blessings is MUCH greater than the power backing our curses. This means that the Holy Spirit is also driving away the demonic when we speak blessings! Those dumb demons will run off with their tails between their legs when we start blessing those who have hurt us.
So we've basically covered the first two deffinitions; but I want to make a point about the last one. A swear word is often called a curse. Why do we yell curse words? To express Anger!!! Grrrrr!!! "&%#$!" "$%&#!" "@%#$!"
Anger often accompanies unforgivess. I remember being soooooo angry about being ignored by those two guys. I remember thinking, "How could he ignore me after being so infatuated with me earlier? How dare he give all his attention to that other girl! I've worked way too hard on this body to go unnoticed!" My anger welled up more and more, and the curses started to flow in the dialogue of my mind: I hope he has a miserable life! I hope he crashes in that stupid car as he drives away without saying goodbye! That jerk!
Anger and unforgiveness go hand in hand.
I want to share a story with you about the unforgiveness I held against my brother as a child. I convinced myself that I hated my bother when I was young. Being autistic, he demanded most of my mother's attention, and I often felt alone, unwanted, and unimportant. I would lash out at him in physical violence, kicking, elbowing, tripping, punching, jabbing- anything to stop him from stealing my mother away. Not only was I physically abusive towards him, but I was also verbally abusive. I remember poking my head into his room and muttering under my breath, "I hate you," trying to make the words sound as sinister as possible (of course, how sinister could a seven year old little girl sound?).
I held deep unforgiveness toward my brother and cursed him practically every day of my young life; you can imagine the festering wound this created in my heart.
Working through this issue with my counselor at Mercy was the greatest breakthrough I experienced. I lifted my hurt and my pain to the Lord and asked Him to forgive me for being abusive toward my brother, and I also forgave my brother for the hurt he caused me, knowing that he didn't intend to hurt me at all. I forgave my mother for leaving me on my own as a child- this too was not intended, and I forgave her for the emotional pain this left.
Then, the Lord gave me a vision, a vision more beautiful than I could have ever imagined:
As soon as I was done praying, the Lord gave me a picture of my mom in the hospital. She was crying with her forhead resting against the glass of an incubator...and I was inside. I could see I was hooked up to a bunch of wires and monitors, and I could hear the sounds of the machines beeping along with my mother's sobs. The Lord spoke to me then and said, "Rachelle, she wants you." I was suddenly shown another picture of my Mom with tears streaming down her face, holding me tightly, rocking me back and forth while I was still hooked up to the machines; I could even see the iv in my head. The Lord spoke to my heart again, "You're mother is scared, Rachelle; she's afraid she'll loose you. She wants you to live; she values your life. Your mother loves you, SHE WANTS YOU!"
When the vision was over, I burst out in hysteric sobs. I told my counselor how I had been born 2 months early, and had a very slim chance of surviving. I couldn't imagine how terrified my mother could have been during this time, but the Lord let me know that she certainly didn't want to let me go.
This vision erased all the lies about being unloved, unwanted, and unimportant as a child. My mom does love me, she does value me, and she WANTS me!
I wanted to use that story to illustrate the power of forgiveness, and blessing. I had to make a deliberate choice to bless my brother and my mom, and the pain in my heart made it the more difficult choice; but choosing to bless instead of curse allows the Lord to work in wonderful, marvelous, and mighty ways.
"I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live
and may love the Lord your God, obey His voice, and cling to Him."
Deuteronomy 30:19-20 (Amplified Bible)
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