Hi everyone!
So, my last post was a bit dark; but I'm happy to say that things are looking up.
Life has been so CRAZY! During the last few months, I've had to deal with losing our house, and my family not being able to make ends meet.
I immediately tried to take matters into my own hands, thinking if my parents can't get us out of this mess, then I guess its up to me.
I started a skincare business with Arbonne International. While things are going well with the business, I hadn't realized all the work and stress that would come along with starting something so new and foreign to me as a job in sales and network marketing.
Let me tell you, selling makeup and skincare in NOT as simple as it sounds...and definitely not as easy.
I went into the company thinking I would be able to move up right away; after all, my up-line made it sound so easy. What she didn't mention was all the phone calls I would have to make.
PHONE CALLS?
I HATE talking to people on the phone. It's my WORST fear!
And that's what most of this business is: making phone calls in order to book parties, place orders, follow up with clients, and tell people about the business opportunities.
In order to move up in this business, I would have to be on the phone 24/7. I would never be able to leave work! That's the problem I have with home-based businesses- when I'm at home, I'm at work! How miserable is that?
So yeah, I've found a way to make Arbonne totally fun and enjoyable now: Parties!!! I set up all my beautiful make up and skincare products at a hostess's house, do a product demo, get orders, and make a profit off the sales from the party. That's simple enough for me to still be enjoyable.
Anything else, I'm crossing the line! No more sitting at a booth for hours, just to get a couple phone numbers of "possible" clients who "might" be interested. That kind of thing is not for me! Making phone calls to almost complete strangers, then getting hung up on...yeah, not for me.
Ok, enough about the Arbonne Biz.
So I've been under HUGE stress and constant worry about our house and finances. Since the house thing is something that I can't help, I suddenly felt like my world was falling apart. If it had been my fault, I actually would have felt better about it.
But it's nothing I did, and now there's nothing I can do.
Isn't that the worst feeling in the world?!
I've spent the last 3 months feeling completely helpless, and out of control.
I wanted to take back control SO bad! I wanted to make everything alright. I wanted to put our family back together. I wanted to save our house, somehow, some way. I wanted to fix it all.
I didn't want change to happen.
...But God did.
He knew if we stayed where we were, we would be stuck, both financially and spiritually. My dad and I would be frantically trying our hardest to make money in a place where opportunity is slim. My mom would be stuck working her stressful sales job, while my brothers are lonely doing school at home. And we would be living in a town that I really didn't like to begin with.
And I didn't want change...
Change can be the best, yet scariest thing in the world.
When I was a little girl, someone asked me if I would rather be blind or deaf. I anwered, "I would much rather be deaf, that way I could at least see where I'm going."
I guess I've always felt like I needed to see exactly where I was going, and where life was taking me next; never wanting to close my eyes, afraid I might lose sight of what's ahead.
But sometimes, it's best to be that blind girl- to close my analytical eyes, and to open my ears to what God has to say.
"You don't have to worry about your future, Rachelle. You don't have to see everything to believe that what I have for you is good. You don't have to bend the road, it's already perfect. Trust Me. Follow Me blind, it's more of an adventure that way. Follow my voice, not your eyes."
He's leading me to some pretty wild places, places I would never think of on my own; but that's exactly how He works. When I give control to Him, He takes me farther than i could imagine, deeper than I could ever dream, and higher than what would ever seem possible.
To be continued...
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Does it ever end?
I can't tell you how discouraged I am right now.
How could I go back when I promised myself, my family, and God that I wouldn't?
So I went back...waaayyyyy back, so far back that I can't give details (though previous posts have been rather graphic). It's shameful to think that so many young ladies look up to me now, and here I am back in that hideous binge/purge/diet/restrict pattern again.
I'm stuck.
I need help.
I'm not hiding anymore.
No more secrets, no more lies, no more deception.
I want this to end once and for all!
I need God to come to my rescue; I need friends to stand by my side; I need family to support and encourage me; and I know it all starts with me reaching out for help.
So, this is me reaching out for help.
There has got to be a miracle out there for me- that's what it's gonna take to get me out of the deepest pit I've ever been in.
"But when [Rachelle] cried out to the Lord for help, the Lord raised up a rescuer to save [her]." Judges 3:9
How could I go back when I promised myself, my family, and God that I wouldn't?
So I went back...waaayyyyy back, so far back that I can't give details (though previous posts have been rather graphic). It's shameful to think that so many young ladies look up to me now, and here I am back in that hideous binge/purge/diet/restrict pattern again.
I'm stuck.
I need help.
I'm not hiding anymore.
No more secrets, no more lies, no more deception.
I want this to end once and for all!
I need God to come to my rescue; I need friends to stand by my side; I need family to support and encourage me; and I know it all starts with me reaching out for help.
So, this is me reaching out for help.
There has got to be a miracle out there for me- that's what it's gonna take to get me out of the deepest pit I've ever been in.
"But when [Rachelle] cried out to the Lord for help, the Lord raised up a rescuer to save [her]." Judges 3:9
Monday, May 30, 2011
Vacation Blues
Grrrrrr!!!!
Why do I binge every time I go on vacation???!!!
Yeah, so as you all have noticed...I LOVE FOOD!
And vacation food is just ohhhhh soooooo tempting and yummy. I think most people struggle with over eating when they go on vay-cay, but I take it much more seriously. I know all the physiological and emotional issues behind over eating and binging, yet I still do it. It FEELS good.
...and now, I feel gross.
but good news: no purging or laxatives were involved; just a whole lot of chocolate, ice cream and french fries.
Can I be honest with all 'yall?
I feel just about as chubby, fat, and unattractive as I did three years ago, before I went all crazy with the weight loss programs and all that crap.
I don't- I repeat- don't want to fall back into that cycle. I hated dieting, restricting, and the constant worry of gaining weight. I hate the weight, size, and shape I am now; but I can't do anything about it without going back down that road again. I'm caught between a crappy rock and a hard place, dang it!
I just wanna be thin again!!!!!!!!!!
But then I must wonder...why??? Why do I want desperately to be thin again? Why is that suddenly my goal in life?
Man, it's soooo easy to put my security in my outward appearance rather than who God says I am. And here's why: people can make judgements based on appearance right off the bat. They can say, "oh, she's beautiful so she's valuable."
Oh! More wrong thinking! Again, I'm letting others determine my value when that's been God's job all along.
It's that dumb cycle again. I get thin, people approve of me, they value me, I suddenly feel valued, and my worth and value is based on my appearance.
I know it's wrong!!! I know it, I know it, I know it! That's why I'm taking the time to write out my thought patterns tonight- so I can identify where my thinking is warped. It all starts when I let others put a price tag on me. I can't let others determine my worth and value! My value is in who I am in Christ, not who the world says I am...the world gets it wrong every time! The world says, "Rachelle has chubby thighs and saddle bags, so she's not worth anything," or, "Rachelle isn't nearly as outgoing and bubbly as she should be, so she's not as valuable as the other girls."
Yeah, those of you who know me may be thinking, oh, but I've always valued Rachelle! (at least that's my hope...)
But the rest of the world probably finds me inferior next to most girls.
Hold a picture of my hips and thighs next to a photo of Megan Fox and one word comes to mind: INFERIOR!
Compare my personality to the rest of my friends and you'll know what I mean: Hmmmm, how should we describe Rachelle? Boring, shy, quiet, not talkative enough.
So the world is hard on girls like me. And that's why I can't let the world tell me how valuable I am- there just gonna tell me a big fat lie!
How do I know the world is lying?
Because God says otherwise!!! His Word is the Truth! He tells me in His Word that I am loved and beautiful, and there is no flaw in me! (Song of Solomon 4:7)
He says I am of great worth and value, and that I am a masterpiece! (Ephesians 2:10)
So yes, I'm probably the heaviest weight I've been in my entire life, but that doesn't change my TRUE worth or my value (yes, it certainly changes my value in the world's eyes- we can't deny that). But the world does not have the right to steal my joy, my happiness, and my confidence. I am confident in Christ and who God has made me! I refuse to base my identity on my outward appearance and my weight!
...my weight may go up and down, but my worth and value stays always the same.
~For all the daughters of The King:
Proverbs 31
A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman (that's us!!!)-She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls...Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised! (Yay!)
-Amplified Bible
Why do I binge every time I go on vacation???!!!
Yeah, so as you all have noticed...I LOVE FOOD!
And vacation food is just ohhhhh soooooo tempting and yummy. I think most people struggle with over eating when they go on vay-cay, but I take it much more seriously. I know all the physiological and emotional issues behind over eating and binging, yet I still do it. It FEELS good.
...and now, I feel gross.
but good news: no purging or laxatives were involved; just a whole lot of chocolate, ice cream and french fries.
Can I be honest with all 'yall?
I feel just about as chubby, fat, and unattractive as I did three years ago, before I went all crazy with the weight loss programs and all that crap.
I don't- I repeat- don't want to fall back into that cycle. I hated dieting, restricting, and the constant worry of gaining weight. I hate the weight, size, and shape I am now; but I can't do anything about it without going back down that road again. I'm caught between a crappy rock and a hard place, dang it!
I just wanna be thin again!!!!!!!!!!
But then I must wonder...why??? Why do I want desperately to be thin again? Why is that suddenly my goal in life?
Man, it's soooo easy to put my security in my outward appearance rather than who God says I am. And here's why: people can make judgements based on appearance right off the bat. They can say, "oh, she's beautiful so she's valuable."
Oh! More wrong thinking! Again, I'm letting others determine my value when that's been God's job all along.
It's that dumb cycle again. I get thin, people approve of me, they value me, I suddenly feel valued, and my worth and value is based on my appearance.
I know it's wrong!!! I know it, I know it, I know it! That's why I'm taking the time to write out my thought patterns tonight- so I can identify where my thinking is warped. It all starts when I let others put a price tag on me. I can't let others determine my worth and value! My value is in who I am in Christ, not who the world says I am...the world gets it wrong every time! The world says, "Rachelle has chubby thighs and saddle bags, so she's not worth anything," or, "Rachelle isn't nearly as outgoing and bubbly as she should be, so she's not as valuable as the other girls."
Yeah, those of you who know me may be thinking, oh, but I've always valued Rachelle! (at least that's my hope...)
But the rest of the world probably finds me inferior next to most girls.
Hold a picture of my hips and thighs next to a photo of Megan Fox and one word comes to mind: INFERIOR!
Compare my personality to the rest of my friends and you'll know what I mean: Hmmmm, how should we describe Rachelle? Boring, shy, quiet, not talkative enough.
So the world is hard on girls like me. And that's why I can't let the world tell me how valuable I am- there just gonna tell me a big fat lie!
How do I know the world is lying?
Because God says otherwise!!! His Word is the Truth! He tells me in His Word that I am loved and beautiful, and there is no flaw in me! (Song of Solomon 4:7)
He says I am of great worth and value, and that I am a masterpiece! (Ephesians 2:10)
So yes, I'm probably the heaviest weight I've been in my entire life, but that doesn't change my TRUE worth or my value (yes, it certainly changes my value in the world's eyes- we can't deny that). But the world does not have the right to steal my joy, my happiness, and my confidence. I am confident in Christ and who God has made me! I refuse to base my identity on my outward appearance and my weight!
...my weight may go up and down, but my worth and value stays always the same.
~For all the daughters of The King:
Proverbs 31
A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman (that's us!!!)-She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls...Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised! (Yay!)
-Amplified Bible
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Blessing vs. Cursing
Hey everyone!
I've been praying and fasting for almost a week straight now (and when I say fasting, I don't necessarily mean food, but worldly influences and things that would draw me away from the Lord),and the Lord has already shown me some "whys" concerning the pain in my heart. He's shown me why unforgiveness creates such a freakin' deep hole in our souls!
Take a moment to think about unforgiveness...
now, think about what you think when harboring unforgiveness toward someone...
Let's say I can't forgive someone (well, I always can...but say I just don't want to), the thoughts that I have toward that person aren't positive. In fact, unforgiveness causes me to wish harm or misfortune upon those I chose not to forgive. I may think, "I hope they get what they deserve," or, "I hope ____ would happen to them." These are thoughts of revenge and payback for what these people did to me.
A few days ago, I was worshiping in my bathroom while putting on my makeup (Shout out to Bare Minerals! *Whoop Whoop!*), when the Lord spoke to my heart. He prompted me to start blessing people.
I thought, OK...where are you going with this Lord???
Instantly, the Lord put two people in my mind- two guys who had hurt me, and who I thought I had already forgiven. Then I started resisting; I didn't want to bless these people, they had HURT me!!!
That's when the realization smacked me in the head: I still hadn't forgiven them; I didn't want them to be blessed. In fact I wanted quite the opposite- but I'll get to that in a minute...
So I started blessing these guys. I spoke a blessing out loud, a blessing of life, prosperity, and abundance. I suddenly felt something in me change! I felt God doing a work in my soul as I spoke that blessing! That hole in my heart from being rejected by those boys was being "bound up" and healed! (Psalm 147:3)
The Lord then began to show me that holding unforgiveness had the opposite effect of speaking blessings. What's the opposite of a blessing???
A CURSE.
I thought, whoa God! Cursing? Really? That's so...out there, like in the witchcraft category.
But, again, when we don't want to forgive someone, deep down inside we hope that something awful would happen to them- something to get them back for the pain they caused us.
So this afternoon, I looked up the definition for the word "curse," and what I found just about floored me!
Ready?
Curse
noun /kərs/
curses, plural
1. A solemn utterance intended to invoke a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on someone or something
2. A cause of harm or misery
3. An offensive word or phrase used to express anger or annoyance
Whoa! Pretty intense stuff, right?
Take a good look at that first definition and think back to a time when you harbored unforgiveness against someone. Can you remember making any "solemn utterances?" Something like, "I can't believe they did that to me," or, "I never want to talk to her again after what she said."
I sure can recall my fair share of these solemn utterances. And they don't even have to be out loud! I remember something Joyce Meyer said in one of her teachings: "If it's going on in your mind, then it's going on!"
We may not realize it, but we curse people in our own heads. We wish harm upon them in our minds. I know I've told myself, "but I don't really wish that for them." But the truth is: Thoughts are real! If I wish it in my mind, then I really do wish it!
Let's take the supernatural part of that definition; it says our utterances intend to invoke a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on someone. Now, not everyone who holds unforgiveness believes in a supernatural power, because not everyone in the world is spiritual or religious. But, your average American does believe in fate, chance, or luck. So, an unbeliever would want fate to turn against that person who had hurt him. Anyone who holds unforgiveness wishes some higher power would punish those who did them wrong. That's the nature of a curse.
So here's were it gets a little interesting:
Since curses involve the supernatural, unforgiveness suddenly opens the door to the (you guessed it) supernatural! And, since there are only two powers in the supernatural realm- the Heavenly and the Demonic- guess what force is backing the curses we utter in our minds...the DEMONIC!
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
oh, wait, don't get too scared now =] Because greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world! (1 John 4:4) -That's my comfort scripture =]
Ok, so the curses in our minds open the door to the demonic and give demonic forces a right to affect our minds; and our minds are a part of our soul! Curses allow the devil to create wounds in our souls! This is why unforgiveness is sooooooo nasty! It attracts evil like a magnet.
But there's super awesome good news!!!! Guess what attracts heavenly power???
BLESSINGS!!!!! Yay!
Check it out: our blessings allow the Lord's power to come and heal up those wounds that our unforgiveness caused! We wish good upon those who have hurt us instead of wishing harm, and suddenly that good begins to permeate our hearts. Try to picture the angles in heaven when they suddenly hear us uttering blessings instead of curses; they would say, "Yes! She opened the door for us to minister to her! Now the Holy Spirit can come in, do His thing, and heal her broken heart!"
Not only that, but the power that is backing our blessings is MUCH greater than the power backing our curses. This means that the Holy Spirit is also driving away the demonic when we speak blessings! Those dumb demons will run off with their tails between their legs when we start blessing those who have hurt us.
So we've basically covered the first two deffinitions; but I want to make a point about the last one. A swear word is often called a curse. Why do we yell curse words? To express Anger!!! Grrrrr!!! "&%#$!" "$%&#!" "@%#$!"
Anger often accompanies unforgivess. I remember being soooooo angry about being ignored by those two guys. I remember thinking, "How could he ignore me after being so infatuated with me earlier? How dare he give all his attention to that other girl! I've worked way too hard on this body to go unnoticed!" My anger welled up more and more, and the curses started to flow in the dialogue of my mind: I hope he has a miserable life! I hope he crashes in that stupid car as he drives away without saying goodbye! That jerk!
Anger and unforgiveness go hand in hand.
I want to share a story with you about the unforgiveness I held against my brother as a child. I convinced myself that I hated my bother when I was young. Being autistic, he demanded most of my mother's attention, and I often felt alone, unwanted, and unimportant. I would lash out at him in physical violence, kicking, elbowing, tripping, punching, jabbing- anything to stop him from stealing my mother away. Not only was I physically abusive towards him, but I was also verbally abusive. I remember poking my head into his room and muttering under my breath, "I hate you," trying to make the words sound as sinister as possible (of course, how sinister could a seven year old little girl sound?).
I held deep unforgiveness toward my brother and cursed him practically every day of my young life; you can imagine the festering wound this created in my heart.
Working through this issue with my counselor at Mercy was the greatest breakthrough I experienced. I lifted my hurt and my pain to the Lord and asked Him to forgive me for being abusive toward my brother, and I also forgave my brother for the hurt he caused me, knowing that he didn't intend to hurt me at all. I forgave my mother for leaving me on my own as a child- this too was not intended, and I forgave her for the emotional pain this left.
Then, the Lord gave me a vision, a vision more beautiful than I could have ever imagined:
As soon as I was done praying, the Lord gave me a picture of my mom in the hospital. She was crying with her forhead resting against the glass of an incubator...and I was inside. I could see I was hooked up to a bunch of wires and monitors, and I could hear the sounds of the machines beeping along with my mother's sobs. The Lord spoke to me then and said, "Rachelle, she wants you." I was suddenly shown another picture of my Mom with tears streaming down her face, holding me tightly, rocking me back and forth while I was still hooked up to the machines; I could even see the iv in my head. The Lord spoke to my heart again, "You're mother is scared, Rachelle; she's afraid she'll loose you. She wants you to live; she values your life. Your mother loves you, SHE WANTS YOU!"
When the vision was over, I burst out in hysteric sobs. I told my counselor how I had been born 2 months early, and had a very slim chance of surviving. I couldn't imagine how terrified my mother could have been during this time, but the Lord let me know that she certainly didn't want to let me go.
This vision erased all the lies about being unloved, unwanted, and unimportant as a child. My mom does love me, she does value me, and she WANTS me!
I wanted to use that story to illustrate the power of forgiveness, and blessing. I had to make a deliberate choice to bless my brother and my mom, and the pain in my heart made it the more difficult choice; but choosing to bless instead of curse allows the Lord to work in wonderful, marvelous, and mighty ways.
"I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live
and may love the Lord your God, obey His voice, and cling to Him."
Deuteronomy 30:19-20 (Amplified Bible)
I've been praying and fasting for almost a week straight now (and when I say fasting, I don't necessarily mean food, but worldly influences and things that would draw me away from the Lord),and the Lord has already shown me some "whys" concerning the pain in my heart. He's shown me why unforgiveness creates such a freakin' deep hole in our souls!
Take a moment to think about unforgiveness...
now, think about what you think when harboring unforgiveness toward someone...
Let's say I can't forgive someone (well, I always can...but say I just don't want to), the thoughts that I have toward that person aren't positive. In fact, unforgiveness causes me to wish harm or misfortune upon those I chose not to forgive. I may think, "I hope they get what they deserve," or, "I hope ____ would happen to them." These are thoughts of revenge and payback for what these people did to me.
A few days ago, I was worshiping in my bathroom while putting on my makeup (Shout out to Bare Minerals! *Whoop Whoop!*), when the Lord spoke to my heart. He prompted me to start blessing people.
I thought, OK...where are you going with this Lord???
Instantly, the Lord put two people in my mind- two guys who had hurt me, and who I thought I had already forgiven. Then I started resisting; I didn't want to bless these people, they had HURT me!!!
That's when the realization smacked me in the head: I still hadn't forgiven them; I didn't want them to be blessed. In fact I wanted quite the opposite- but I'll get to that in a minute...
So I started blessing these guys. I spoke a blessing out loud, a blessing of life, prosperity, and abundance. I suddenly felt something in me change! I felt God doing a work in my soul as I spoke that blessing! That hole in my heart from being rejected by those boys was being "bound up" and healed! (Psalm 147:3)
The Lord then began to show me that holding unforgiveness had the opposite effect of speaking blessings. What's the opposite of a blessing???
A CURSE.
I thought, whoa God! Cursing? Really? That's so...out there, like in the witchcraft category.
But, again, when we don't want to forgive someone, deep down inside we hope that something awful would happen to them- something to get them back for the pain they caused us.
So this afternoon, I looked up the definition for the word "curse," and what I found just about floored me!
Ready?
Curse
noun /kərs/
curses, plural
1. A solemn utterance intended to invoke a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on someone or something
2. A cause of harm or misery
3. An offensive word or phrase used to express anger or annoyance
Whoa! Pretty intense stuff, right?
Take a good look at that first definition and think back to a time when you harbored unforgiveness against someone. Can you remember making any "solemn utterances?" Something like, "I can't believe they did that to me," or, "I never want to talk to her again after what she said."
I sure can recall my fair share of these solemn utterances. And they don't even have to be out loud! I remember something Joyce Meyer said in one of her teachings: "If it's going on in your mind, then it's going on!"
We may not realize it, but we curse people in our own heads. We wish harm upon them in our minds. I know I've told myself, "but I don't really wish that for them." But the truth is: Thoughts are real! If I wish it in my mind, then I really do wish it!
Let's take the supernatural part of that definition; it says our utterances intend to invoke a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on someone. Now, not everyone who holds unforgiveness believes in a supernatural power, because not everyone in the world is spiritual or religious. But, your average American does believe in fate, chance, or luck. So, an unbeliever would want fate to turn against that person who had hurt him. Anyone who holds unforgiveness wishes some higher power would punish those who did them wrong. That's the nature of a curse.
So here's were it gets a little interesting:
Since curses involve the supernatural, unforgiveness suddenly opens the door to the (you guessed it) supernatural! And, since there are only two powers in the supernatural realm- the Heavenly and the Demonic- guess what force is backing the curses we utter in our minds...the DEMONIC!
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
oh, wait, don't get too scared now =] Because greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world! (1 John 4:4) -That's my comfort scripture =]
Ok, so the curses in our minds open the door to the demonic and give demonic forces a right to affect our minds; and our minds are a part of our soul! Curses allow the devil to create wounds in our souls! This is why unforgiveness is sooooooo nasty! It attracts evil like a magnet.
But there's super awesome good news!!!! Guess what attracts heavenly power???
BLESSINGS!!!!! Yay!
Check it out: our blessings allow the Lord's power to come and heal up those wounds that our unforgiveness caused! We wish good upon those who have hurt us instead of wishing harm, and suddenly that good begins to permeate our hearts. Try to picture the angles in heaven when they suddenly hear us uttering blessings instead of curses; they would say, "Yes! She opened the door for us to minister to her! Now the Holy Spirit can come in, do His thing, and heal her broken heart!"
Not only that, but the power that is backing our blessings is MUCH greater than the power backing our curses. This means that the Holy Spirit is also driving away the demonic when we speak blessings! Those dumb demons will run off with their tails between their legs when we start blessing those who have hurt us.
So we've basically covered the first two deffinitions; but I want to make a point about the last one. A swear word is often called a curse. Why do we yell curse words? To express Anger!!! Grrrrr!!! "&%#$!" "$%&#!" "@%#$!"
Anger often accompanies unforgivess. I remember being soooooo angry about being ignored by those two guys. I remember thinking, "How could he ignore me after being so infatuated with me earlier? How dare he give all his attention to that other girl! I've worked way too hard on this body to go unnoticed!" My anger welled up more and more, and the curses started to flow in the dialogue of my mind: I hope he has a miserable life! I hope he crashes in that stupid car as he drives away without saying goodbye! That jerk!
Anger and unforgiveness go hand in hand.
I want to share a story with you about the unforgiveness I held against my brother as a child. I convinced myself that I hated my bother when I was young. Being autistic, he demanded most of my mother's attention, and I often felt alone, unwanted, and unimportant. I would lash out at him in physical violence, kicking, elbowing, tripping, punching, jabbing- anything to stop him from stealing my mother away. Not only was I physically abusive towards him, but I was also verbally abusive. I remember poking my head into his room and muttering under my breath, "I hate you," trying to make the words sound as sinister as possible (of course, how sinister could a seven year old little girl sound?).
I held deep unforgiveness toward my brother and cursed him practically every day of my young life; you can imagine the festering wound this created in my heart.
Working through this issue with my counselor at Mercy was the greatest breakthrough I experienced. I lifted my hurt and my pain to the Lord and asked Him to forgive me for being abusive toward my brother, and I also forgave my brother for the hurt he caused me, knowing that he didn't intend to hurt me at all. I forgave my mother for leaving me on my own as a child- this too was not intended, and I forgave her for the emotional pain this left.
Then, the Lord gave me a vision, a vision more beautiful than I could have ever imagined:
As soon as I was done praying, the Lord gave me a picture of my mom in the hospital. She was crying with her forhead resting against the glass of an incubator...and I was inside. I could see I was hooked up to a bunch of wires and monitors, and I could hear the sounds of the machines beeping along with my mother's sobs. The Lord spoke to me then and said, "Rachelle, she wants you." I was suddenly shown another picture of my Mom with tears streaming down her face, holding me tightly, rocking me back and forth while I was still hooked up to the machines; I could even see the iv in my head. The Lord spoke to my heart again, "You're mother is scared, Rachelle; she's afraid she'll loose you. She wants you to live; she values your life. Your mother loves you, SHE WANTS YOU!"
When the vision was over, I burst out in hysteric sobs. I told my counselor how I had been born 2 months early, and had a very slim chance of surviving. I couldn't imagine how terrified my mother could have been during this time, but the Lord let me know that she certainly didn't want to let me go.
This vision erased all the lies about being unloved, unwanted, and unimportant as a child. My mom does love me, she does value me, and she WANTS me!
I wanted to use that story to illustrate the power of forgiveness, and blessing. I had to make a deliberate choice to bless my brother and my mom, and the pain in my heart made it the more difficult choice; but choosing to bless instead of curse allows the Lord to work in wonderful, marvelous, and mighty ways.
"I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live
and may love the Lord your God, obey His voice, and cling to Him."
Deuteronomy 30:19-20 (Amplified Bible)
Thursday, May 5, 2011
My Achy Breaky Heart
Hey everyone!
It's been a while, huh? And a lot has happened since my last post, but honestly, I'm pretty sure it's all been in my head. Circumstances haven't changed much, but my mindset certainly has.
Luckily, Mercy has trained me to take thoughts captive and turn them around; but I've been a little careless lately, letting old thoughts roll around in my noggin like marbles in one of those collector's tins. (my little bro has one of those on his shelf) =]
What's worse is that I've let these thoughts manifest into words, and eventually, into behaviors.
OK, here's a little peek inside my un-renewed mind.
Ewwwww, my cellulite is back; what has Mercy done to me? Look at me, I'm huge?
or
I wish I had never gone to Mercy in the first place; at least I had the perfect model-sized body; I could have had so many opportunities, but now I'm fat and I can't do anything and will never amount to anything. I'll never be able to have a relationship with these thighs- what a turn-off!
or
Yummmm, that junk food looks sooooo good. I've had a hard day at work; I deserve it more than anyone in this house; I deserve to have it all! I don't care, I'm already fat.
*Food disappears*
Oh crap. Now I'm never going to lose weight; I am such a failure...
*Rachelle spends day sulking*
Yeah, so binging has crept it's way back in through my reckless thought life. I spent 3 solid days binging on whatever I could grab and hide in my room.
And I hated every minute of those 72 hours. I hated how all I cared about was food, and hoping that the pain I was feeling in my heart would finally subside. Food is a temporary remedy for inward pain. A few bites of chocolate, bread, cheese, sugar- what ever kind of food your soul desires- and suddenly the pain is gone. A few more bites, and suddenly the FOOD is gone...and the pain returns with guilt as its new companion.
This is how binging works- we know it, I know it, I've written many times about it in previous posts; yet this behavior still comes back to haunt me.
WHY?!!!
Here's why:
I'm still hurting.
From what?
I really don't know. But my heart still feels like it's aching.
There's a wound deep inside, and I'm subconsciously trying to bind it up with food and achieving a perfect appearance (notice the two don't go together well).
Honestly, I couldn't lose weight even if I tried because, 1- my body is MESSED UP from past behaviors, and 2- my heart hurts too bad.
Can I really give up binge food and give the real Healer a chance?
Duh! It says in His Word that Jesus can bind up all wounds (Psalm 147:3).
I'm tossing out the fatty, carb-laden, sugar-drenched food, and giving Jesus another shot!
Hey, I have nothing left to lose...
except maybe some water-weight.
=]
It's been a while, huh? And a lot has happened since my last post, but honestly, I'm pretty sure it's all been in my head. Circumstances haven't changed much, but my mindset certainly has.
Luckily, Mercy has trained me to take thoughts captive and turn them around; but I've been a little careless lately, letting old thoughts roll around in my noggin like marbles in one of those collector's tins. (my little bro has one of those on his shelf) =]
What's worse is that I've let these thoughts manifest into words, and eventually, into behaviors.
OK, here's a little peek inside my un-renewed mind.
Ewwwww, my cellulite is back; what has Mercy done to me? Look at me, I'm huge?
or
I wish I had never gone to Mercy in the first place; at least I had the perfect model-sized body; I could have had so many opportunities, but now I'm fat and I can't do anything and will never amount to anything. I'll never be able to have a relationship with these thighs- what a turn-off!
or
Yummmm, that junk food looks sooooo good. I've had a hard day at work; I deserve it more than anyone in this house; I deserve to have it all! I don't care, I'm already fat.
*Food disappears*
Oh crap. Now I'm never going to lose weight; I am such a failure...
*Rachelle spends day sulking*
Yeah, so binging has crept it's way back in through my reckless thought life. I spent 3 solid days binging on whatever I could grab and hide in my room.
And I hated every minute of those 72 hours. I hated how all I cared about was food, and hoping that the pain I was feeling in my heart would finally subside. Food is a temporary remedy for inward pain. A few bites of chocolate, bread, cheese, sugar- what ever kind of food your soul desires- and suddenly the pain is gone. A few more bites, and suddenly the FOOD is gone...and the pain returns with guilt as its new companion.
This is how binging works- we know it, I know it, I've written many times about it in previous posts; yet this behavior still comes back to haunt me.
WHY?!!!
Here's why:
I'm still hurting.
From what?
I really don't know. But my heart still feels like it's aching.
There's a wound deep inside, and I'm subconsciously trying to bind it up with food and achieving a perfect appearance (notice the two don't go together well).
Honestly, I couldn't lose weight even if I tried because, 1- my body is MESSED UP from past behaviors, and 2- my heart hurts too bad.
Can I really give up binge food and give the real Healer a chance?
Duh! It says in His Word that Jesus can bind up all wounds (Psalm 147:3).
I'm tossing out the fatty, carb-laden, sugar-drenched food, and giving Jesus another shot!
Hey, I have nothing left to lose...
except maybe some water-weight.
=]
Friday, March 25, 2011
Little Miss Perfect
Hello everyone!
What a perfect day to wrap up in my snuggie and write on my blog. Not only is the weather NASTY out there, but the family bus (aka the 12 year old Ford expedition) has broken down- well, after going to and from South Dakota, LA, Sacramento, Napa Valley, and God knows where else, year after year, road trip after road trip, my motor would probably break down too.
So, many of you know that I am the ultimate perfectionist. I've been this way for practically my whole life. As a little girl, I believed that a good girl was a perfect girl; anything less than perfect was inferior and could not be tolerated. My life was all about the extremes (and I still catch myself when I enter this mindset). If I'm not perfect, then I must be a terrible person, an undeserving person, a person with little worth or value.
LIES!
My worth and value is not based on my performance, dang it! It's based on who God says I am, and who He made me to be! He's the only one who knows my true value; no other person can determine that!
Again, I had to put myself in check yesterday. Let me tell you, being a Starbucks barista is not as glamorous as it looks from a customer's point of view. Yesterday was my first day on the floor without my training coach, and also my first day on the register. I was scared out of my mind, and I probably looked that way too; customers were not afraid to let me know that I was incompetent, slow, and apparently ruining their day. Give me a break! So I couldn't find the freakin' toffee-nut syrup button; you try and work this thing! Just try and ring up a "venti, triple shot, non-fat, no-foam, 4 pumps sugar-free vanilla, 2 splenda, 1 sweet and low, Latte... Oh wait, I think I'm going to indulge- today's my son's birthday, can I get whipped cream on that?"
You see what I mean?
Try a whole impatient line of these demanding customers! And no, they don't want just drinks; they want zucchini muffins, cranberry walnut scones, salted caramel squares, egg and ham breakfast sandwiches- warmed up, but not too warm, old fashioned doughnuts, rocky road cake pops, asiago cheese bagels with 3 extra cream cheese packets (as if they weren't getting enough fat calories already). Oh, and speaking of calories, one girl (who resembled the former, anorexic Rachelle) decided to give me a lecture on why we should carry our peppermint syrup in a sugar free form. "You know, we could be preventing obesity and type 2 diabetes."
Ugh...
In the words of Charlie Brown: "Good Grief!"
There's really no such thing as a perfect customer, and there's really no such thing as a perfect barista either. We all make mistakes, we all drive people a little insane at times, but you know what? It's totally ok. That's what makes Starbucks...well, Starbucks. We don't say to our customers, "Oh, you're high maintenance and annoying, will you please exit through those doors?" NO! We don't turn anyone away (unless he or she is standing there with an AK 47 or a machete in hand). Notice, my shift supervisor didn't steam with anger, or say "Rachelle, you're never going to learn, are you?!" Starbucks encourages grace; I love that! Sure, I'm not the perfect barista, but each shift I learn something new and I get a bit faster, whether the customers or my manager notices it or not.
My value is not changed if I have a hard day at the register, if I cause foam to fly into the air when I'm steaming soy milk, or miss the cinnamon dolce sprinkles on a customers drink. I apologize by saying, "I'm so sorry, can I try again?"
And I try again.
All the while, God is watching me in love.
When I mess up in life and I bring my mistakes to the Lord, He is gracious and merciful. He says, "Thank you for apologizing my child. You are forgiven. Now try again."
He is looking down with a proud smile on His face. "Look at my girl! She's getting back up! She's trying again!
And she's not giving up!"
What a perfect day to wrap up in my snuggie and write on my blog. Not only is the weather NASTY out there, but the family bus (aka the 12 year old Ford expedition) has broken down- well, after going to and from South Dakota, LA, Sacramento, Napa Valley, and God knows where else, year after year, road trip after road trip, my motor would probably break down too.
So, many of you know that I am the ultimate perfectionist. I've been this way for practically my whole life. As a little girl, I believed that a good girl was a perfect girl; anything less than perfect was inferior and could not be tolerated. My life was all about the extremes (and I still catch myself when I enter this mindset). If I'm not perfect, then I must be a terrible person, an undeserving person, a person with little worth or value.
LIES!
My worth and value is not based on my performance, dang it! It's based on who God says I am, and who He made me to be! He's the only one who knows my true value; no other person can determine that!
Again, I had to put myself in check yesterday. Let me tell you, being a Starbucks barista is not as glamorous as it looks from a customer's point of view. Yesterday was my first day on the floor without my training coach, and also my first day on the register. I was scared out of my mind, and I probably looked that way too; customers were not afraid to let me know that I was incompetent, slow, and apparently ruining their day. Give me a break! So I couldn't find the freakin' toffee-nut syrup button; you try and work this thing! Just try and ring up a "venti, triple shot, non-fat, no-foam, 4 pumps sugar-free vanilla, 2 splenda, 1 sweet and low, Latte... Oh wait, I think I'm going to indulge- today's my son's birthday, can I get whipped cream on that?"
You see what I mean?
Try a whole impatient line of these demanding customers! And no, they don't want just drinks; they want zucchini muffins, cranberry walnut scones, salted caramel squares, egg and ham breakfast sandwiches- warmed up, but not too warm, old fashioned doughnuts, rocky road cake pops, asiago cheese bagels with 3 extra cream cheese packets (as if they weren't getting enough fat calories already). Oh, and speaking of calories, one girl (who resembled the former, anorexic Rachelle) decided to give me a lecture on why we should carry our peppermint syrup in a sugar free form. "You know, we could be preventing obesity and type 2 diabetes."
Ugh...
In the words of Charlie Brown: "Good Grief!"
There's really no such thing as a perfect customer, and there's really no such thing as a perfect barista either. We all make mistakes, we all drive people a little insane at times, but you know what? It's totally ok. That's what makes Starbucks...well, Starbucks. We don't say to our customers, "Oh, you're high maintenance and annoying, will you please exit through those doors?" NO! We don't turn anyone away (unless he or she is standing there with an AK 47 or a machete in hand). Notice, my shift supervisor didn't steam with anger, or say "Rachelle, you're never going to learn, are you?!" Starbucks encourages grace; I love that! Sure, I'm not the perfect barista, but each shift I learn something new and I get a bit faster, whether the customers or my manager notices it or not.
My value is not changed if I have a hard day at the register, if I cause foam to fly into the air when I'm steaming soy milk, or miss the cinnamon dolce sprinkles on a customers drink. I apologize by saying, "I'm so sorry, can I try again?"
And I try again.
All the while, God is watching me in love.
When I mess up in life and I bring my mistakes to the Lord, He is gracious and merciful. He says, "Thank you for apologizing my child. You are forgiven. Now try again."
He is looking down with a proud smile on His face. "Look at my girl! She's getting back up! She's trying again!
And she's not giving up!"
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
A Second Chance at Life
Hi, Hi, Hi!
It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted anything...life has just been too dang exciting!!!
Yeah, it's still been a challenge, and I'm still working through some icky stuff, but my God is a God of second chances! I don't have to live my life as a victim, or a failure; instead, I'm a victor and an overcomer!
So, updates- where to begin? Oh, I started my job (Starbucks!), I started driving (I passed my permit test with one wrong answer to spare, haha), and I started my period! As you can imagine, it's been a looooooong time since my body's been healthy enough to go through it's monthly cycle. Yesterday was my first full-on period in years! God totally knows the desires of my heart, and one of those desires is to have children of my own...along with a somkin' hot husband. =]
Ok, Funny Story of the Week:
My stupid idiot of a dog, Frodo, has been driving me insane! He must take the phrase "Mi casa es su casa" literally, because he is not afraid to mark his territory. The foot of my bed is his absolute favorite place to relieve himself, leaving me with a wet, stinky mess and a giant load of laundry...every day! I had had it with this dog; so with a sinister grin on my face, I researched the most humane way to poison a canine. I stumbled upon an article about avocados. Apparently, avocados are toxic to dogs when ingested. PERFECT! There was a plate of sliced avocado in the fridge! Frodo was siting out on the deck, attached to his leash when I brought him his "treats." Frodo, do you like avocado? He sniffed the plate for about two seconds, then lost interest. You really are retarded! Avocado is only the most delicious food on this planet! I tried shoving a slice in his mouth. Eat the dang avocado! ...No luck.
I suddenly remembered Frodo's weakness: cheese! I got out a few string cheeses, four crackers, and mushed the avocado into a green paste. Then, placing my avocado spread and cheese atop the stone wheat crackers, I created Frodo's hors d'oeuvres of death. Without any reluctance, Frodo ate every last crumb.
I went inside to wait out Frodo's fate, hoping whatever happened would be fast and painless. He seemed a bit lethargic and a little out of it, but he certainly didn't seem to be in pain. This just might work... About three hours later, Frodo was lying still in his dog house. DEAR LORD! I actually killed my dog! I was silent the rest of the day, hardly saying a word to anyone. What am I going to tell my family? That I'm a sadistic canine murderer?
Later that evening, I came in the house after a long and vigorous workout to find Frodo alive and well. Either this is a miracle, or I make a crappy killer!
Well, God must have a plan for this pathetic pooch; I guess I'll just have to continue cleaning up pee stains for now.
*Note: If you or someone you know works for the SPCA, please don't report this. I am not a felon, a murderer, or an animal abuser; I am simply an aspiring writer. The events above may have been exaggerated in order to make the story more comical; if you do not enjoy dark humor, then you may not like reading the rest of this blog.
I do not support cruelty to animals, especially cats. I have a kitty whom I love and adore, and I take excellent care of her.
My family has been trying to get rid of Frodo for over a year now, and nobody seems to want this dog. If you would like an insane jack russel terrier who pees and poops on everything in sight, never comes when he is called, and tries to tear other innocent dogs apart...please let me know. No further actions will be taken against this dog, or any other dogs for that matter.
It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted anything...life has just been too dang exciting!!!
Yeah, it's still been a challenge, and I'm still working through some icky stuff, but my God is a God of second chances! I don't have to live my life as a victim, or a failure; instead, I'm a victor and an overcomer!
So, updates- where to begin? Oh, I started my job (Starbucks!), I started driving (I passed my permit test with one wrong answer to spare, haha), and I started my period! As you can imagine, it's been a looooooong time since my body's been healthy enough to go through it's monthly cycle. Yesterday was my first full-on period in years! God totally knows the desires of my heart, and one of those desires is to have children of my own...along with a somkin' hot husband. =]
Ok, Funny Story of the Week:
My stupid idiot of a dog, Frodo, has been driving me insane! He must take the phrase "Mi casa es su casa" literally, because he is not afraid to mark his territory. The foot of my bed is his absolute favorite place to relieve himself, leaving me with a wet, stinky mess and a giant load of laundry...every day! I had had it with this dog; so with a sinister grin on my face, I researched the most humane way to poison a canine. I stumbled upon an article about avocados. Apparently, avocados are toxic to dogs when ingested. PERFECT! There was a plate of sliced avocado in the fridge! Frodo was siting out on the deck, attached to his leash when I brought him his "treats." Frodo, do you like avocado? He sniffed the plate for about two seconds, then lost interest. You really are retarded! Avocado is only the most delicious food on this planet! I tried shoving a slice in his mouth. Eat the dang avocado! ...No luck.
I suddenly remembered Frodo's weakness: cheese! I got out a few string cheeses, four crackers, and mushed the avocado into a green paste. Then, placing my avocado spread and cheese atop the stone wheat crackers, I created Frodo's hors d'oeuvres of death. Without any reluctance, Frodo ate every last crumb.
I went inside to wait out Frodo's fate, hoping whatever happened would be fast and painless. He seemed a bit lethargic and a little out of it, but he certainly didn't seem to be in pain. This just might work... About three hours later, Frodo was lying still in his dog house. DEAR LORD! I actually killed my dog! I was silent the rest of the day, hardly saying a word to anyone. What am I going to tell my family? That I'm a sadistic canine murderer?
Later that evening, I came in the house after a long and vigorous workout to find Frodo alive and well. Either this is a miracle, or I make a crappy killer!
Well, God must have a plan for this pathetic pooch; I guess I'll just have to continue cleaning up pee stains for now.
*Note: If you or someone you know works for the SPCA, please don't report this. I am not a felon, a murderer, or an animal abuser; I am simply an aspiring writer. The events above may have been exaggerated in order to make the story more comical; if you do not enjoy dark humor, then you may not like reading the rest of this blog.
I do not support cruelty to animals, especially cats. I have a kitty whom I love and adore, and I take excellent care of her.
My family has been trying to get rid of Frodo for over a year now, and nobody seems to want this dog. If you would like an insane jack russel terrier who pees and poops on everything in sight, never comes when he is called, and tries to tear other innocent dogs apart...please let me know. No further actions will be taken against this dog, or any other dogs for that matter.
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