Hello everyone!!!
I'm home for good now!
I've missed being able to write on this blog; I'll still be giving updates on how life is going after Mercy.
Well, so far so good. I've had a bit of trouble settling in. My Uncle Brad and Aunt Emily came from China to stay at my house, along with their 3 rambunctious children, Emily's Dad (who doesn't speak a word of English) and his wife, June, and their son Issac (who acted as an interpreter).
To make matters even more complicated for a former Anorexic, the Yangs- Emily's side of the family- took over the entire kitchen. Rare red meat, greasy fried rice usually accompanied a meal, as well as foreign soup with a disturbing looking broth with oil floating on the surface. You can imagine the time I had trying to adjust after Mercy's fresh and organic menu.
Food aside, Brad, Emily and their children were a delight to be around. Katrina is the youngest of the three (and probably the most adorable little girl on this planet); Lance and Helen are around the same age, and were adopted at birth. This was Helen's first trip to the United States, and she was our little guest of honor; I had never met her in person before! I had seen Lance a few times before, each time he seems to grow more and more charming.
Now normally, kids aren't really my thing, in fact, I tend to avoid them if at all possible. But these kids gravitated towards me- simply put, they adored me!
We had a blast running around Costco, hopping from one sample table to the next, and doing science experiments together (Chinese children are EXTREMELY intelligent!). Lance even gave me a violin lesson, though my form isn't quite as technically correct as his- I swear, this kid is going to be a musical genius! I managed to learn a variation of twinkle twinkle...a very squeaky twinkle twinkle.
Oh my goodness, Katrina is a crack up! My Grandma told me over the phone that Katrina was the ultimate girlie-girl and loooooved dresses. I said, "I have a feeling we're going to get along." I couldn't be more right. The funniest story is probably when her mother dressed her in a navy blue dress. Katrina comes walking into the room, trying to take off the dress while bellowing," It's so ugly! I can't wear this, IT'S UGLY!!!" Well, at least she has an early knowledge of fashion sense- these things are important to learn at a young age. =]
So, at the moment, I'm job hunting like a mad woman (starbucks being my first choice). Pray that I'm hired soon, soon, soon!!!
Now that my house is back to normal, I've been unpacking, reorganizing, and sprucing up my room a bit.
I've had a difficult time staying in the Word as much as I did at Mercy, but prayer is a habit that has really stuck with me. God has given me such a dose of peace concerning this new chapter of my life. His timing is always, always perfect. He has the perfect job lined up, and I have faith that He is saving that position just for me, because He knows where I will be happiest.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Christmas Break update
"I HATE MY BODY, I HATE MY BODY, I HATE MY BODY!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH"
~This is what I was screaming into my pillow less than an hour ago.
Well, I've only had a few breakdowns this Christmas break, and they are all related to my new body and not being able to fit into my clothes anymore. I can honestly say that gaining weight is the only thing that I regret about going to Mercy. I'm so glad that they work through inner issues as well, and get to the roots of the behaviors. They don't just fix the behavior, like most treatment centers, but they yank up the roots, and help girls receive healing from the Lord. I can't tell you how horrible it would be to go into a treatment center just to have them fatten me up and send me on my way.
Sure, Mercy has fattened me up, but they have also given me tools to walk in victory. Working through counseling, I couldn't believe all the crazy lies I had been believing all my life; these lies were totally holding me in bondage!
The main lie I had believed was that my worth and value was based on what other people thought or said about me. You can imagine what kind of bondage this kept me in; my life was based entirely on performance and my outward appearance...ever since I was a little girl!
I had no idea about my identity in Christ because I was so focused on finding my identity in what others saw in me. I took identity in being the perfect girl [when I made a mistake I was always told that I was a "bad girl"]. Being the perfect girl led to me needing perfect grades, the perfect behavior, and the perfect appearance...which led to me needing the perfect body. Ugh, we know the rest of the story.
Anyway, my worth and value seemed to come from what I did and how I performed. I was a "good girl" when I behaved well, and a "bad girl" when I didn't.
I even struggled with food at the age of five! How I ate even determined my value when I was super young! Again, I was a "good girl" if I ate everything on my plate, and a "bad girl" if I didn't. This caused a habit of food restriction from an early age because I would constantly hide my food under my parents bed so I wouldn't have to eat it. I would get praise and affirmation from my mom and dad when they would see my empty plate, and I would feel like I had worth and value, though deep down I hated eating all my food. I was always the "good girl" and I could never make any mistakes because that would mean I was a terrible person...and terrible people had little worth or value.
This was the lie I lived- the lie that held me in chains.
At Mercy, I learned the Truth. My worth and value is not based on what other people say, but what God says about me. Ok, so it sounds a little corny, but it totally makes sense! God is the only one who truly knows who I am because He's the one who created me! Man can try to tell me who I am based on appearances, but my appearance is just how I appear, it's not who I am. Only God knows who I am, and only He knows my worth and value...and it's written in His Word!
What a freeing discovery! I don't have to strive, and strive, and strive to feel like I'm worth something! God says I am his masterpiece, and I wasn't created to do all these crazy works on my own. I was created to do what He has planned for me, I just have to trust Him. ~Check out Ephesians 2:10
So yes, I have put on a few (or more than a few) pounds over my 5 months at Mercy...but it doesn't make me any less valuable, or any less worthy of love or affection. Before Mercy, I put all my confidence in my outward appearance; and now that perfect appearance is starting to crumble. My thin, Vogue model body is gone; my hair got butchered at the JC Penny Salon; and my designer clothes no longer fit. All of these things that I put my confidence in have wasted away; the only thing left standing at ground zero is Jesus. He is the only thing that will never change, no matter the circumstances. He is the only thing that is constant, reliable, and the only thing that can give me true confidence. He will never fail me; my body may fail me, my metabolism may fail me, hairstylists may fail me, but Jesus never fails.
I can't even describe the kind of savior He has been for me. He has redeemed every thing that I have surrendered to Him, and He has given me more than I can imagine.
~This is what I was screaming into my pillow less than an hour ago.
Well, I've only had a few breakdowns this Christmas break, and they are all related to my new body and not being able to fit into my clothes anymore. I can honestly say that gaining weight is the only thing that I regret about going to Mercy. I'm so glad that they work through inner issues as well, and get to the roots of the behaviors. They don't just fix the behavior, like most treatment centers, but they yank up the roots, and help girls receive healing from the Lord. I can't tell you how horrible it would be to go into a treatment center just to have them fatten me up and send me on my way.
Sure, Mercy has fattened me up, but they have also given me tools to walk in victory. Working through counseling, I couldn't believe all the crazy lies I had been believing all my life; these lies were totally holding me in bondage!
The main lie I had believed was that my worth and value was based on what other people thought or said about me. You can imagine what kind of bondage this kept me in; my life was based entirely on performance and my outward appearance...ever since I was a little girl!
I had no idea about my identity in Christ because I was so focused on finding my identity in what others saw in me. I took identity in being the perfect girl [when I made a mistake I was always told that I was a "bad girl"]. Being the perfect girl led to me needing perfect grades, the perfect behavior, and the perfect appearance...which led to me needing the perfect body. Ugh, we know the rest of the story.
Anyway, my worth and value seemed to come from what I did and how I performed. I was a "good girl" when I behaved well, and a "bad girl" when I didn't.
I even struggled with food at the age of five! How I ate even determined my value when I was super young! Again, I was a "good girl" if I ate everything on my plate, and a "bad girl" if I didn't. This caused a habit of food restriction from an early age because I would constantly hide my food under my parents bed so I wouldn't have to eat it. I would get praise and affirmation from my mom and dad when they would see my empty plate, and I would feel like I had worth and value, though deep down I hated eating all my food. I was always the "good girl" and I could never make any mistakes because that would mean I was a terrible person...and terrible people had little worth or value.
This was the lie I lived- the lie that held me in chains.
At Mercy, I learned the Truth. My worth and value is not based on what other people say, but what God says about me. Ok, so it sounds a little corny, but it totally makes sense! God is the only one who truly knows who I am because He's the one who created me! Man can try to tell me who I am based on appearances, but my appearance is just how I appear, it's not who I am. Only God knows who I am, and only He knows my worth and value...and it's written in His Word!
What a freeing discovery! I don't have to strive, and strive, and strive to feel like I'm worth something! God says I am his masterpiece, and I wasn't created to do all these crazy works on my own. I was created to do what He has planned for me, I just have to trust Him. ~Check out Ephesians 2:10
So yes, I have put on a few (or more than a few) pounds over my 5 months at Mercy...but it doesn't make me any less valuable, or any less worthy of love or affection. Before Mercy, I put all my confidence in my outward appearance; and now that perfect appearance is starting to crumble. My thin, Vogue model body is gone; my hair got butchered at the JC Penny Salon; and my designer clothes no longer fit. All of these things that I put my confidence in have wasted away; the only thing left standing at ground zero is Jesus. He is the only thing that will never change, no matter the circumstances. He is the only thing that is constant, reliable, and the only thing that can give me true confidence. He will never fail me; my body may fail me, my metabolism may fail me, hairstylists may fail me, but Jesus never fails.
I can't even describe the kind of savior He has been for me. He has redeemed every thing that I have surrendered to Him, and He has given me more than I can imagine.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
I'm up for the Test
Hey everyone!
Gosh, I can't believe it's been almost 4 months since I left for Mercy!
Well, I'm on pass for this Thanksgiving weekend, so I'm finally able to blog again. At Mercy all the girls are isolated in order to focus on complete recovery and healing.
I started an audio/video journal at Mercy. I've found that it's much easier for me to talk out my feeling, than to write it all out. I'll try my best to post them this weekend, but remember, I'm only here for a few days and I have much to do...and very little time.
I will be home for a much longer break on Dec. 14th! I'll be staying through Jan. 5th!
I plan on posting a bunch of stories (don't worry, no names will be mentioned...it's a confidentiality thing) of my challenges and victories at Mercy.
Until then, I can only say, "I'm not where I should be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" -Joyce Meyer
I love you all!
I couldn't make it through this program if it wasn't for all your prayers!
Thanks so much =]
xoxoxo
~Rachelle Joy
Gosh, I can't believe it's been almost 4 months since I left for Mercy!
Well, I'm on pass for this Thanksgiving weekend, so I'm finally able to blog again. At Mercy all the girls are isolated in order to focus on complete recovery and healing.
I started an audio/video journal at Mercy. I've found that it's much easier for me to talk out my feeling, than to write it all out. I'll try my best to post them this weekend, but remember, I'm only here for a few days and I have much to do...and very little time.
I will be home for a much longer break on Dec. 14th! I'll be staying through Jan. 5th!
I plan on posting a bunch of stories (don't worry, no names will be mentioned...it's a confidentiality thing) of my challenges and victories at Mercy.
Until then, I can only say, "I'm not where I should be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" -Joyce Meyer
I love you all!
I couldn't make it through this program if it wasn't for all your prayers!
Thanks so much =]
xoxoxo
~Rachelle Joy
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Time to start packing my bags!!!
Well, I got some unexpected news today! I knew I was going to receive a call from the Mercy Ministries Intake department- we were only going over what I would expect during my stay at one of the homes...if an opening were available in the near future.
I chatted with one of the staff members for about thirty minutes, going over any questions and concerns. As the conversation began to wind down, she paused for a moment. "Well, Rachelle, before I let you go, I wanted to speak with you about one last thing," she said in her friendly, southern voice. "It turns out, we have an opening for you at one of our Mercy Homes! You'll be staying at our Lincoln, California Home, near Sacramento! You have a little over a month to prepare; your scheduled arrival date is July 27th!"
Wow!!! I'm totally stoked with the Lord's timing on this one!!!
I have a lot of planning and preparing (and blood tests,ugh) to do, but I am suuuuupppeeerrrrrr excited that the day is finally in sight!!!!
I'll keep you all posted on the details (what I get to bring, phone calls, letters, ect.) I just printed out my resident guide, and I'm having soooo much fun reading through it!!!
Mercy Ministry's program lasts 6 months...I know...I'll miss you too. =]
Again, I'll be posting more details about visits and that kind of stuff later.
For now, I'm in celebration mode! I'm sure there will be many tears due to homesickness and insecurity, but I know the healing the Lord brings will be worth every moment of fear.
I chatted with one of the staff members for about thirty minutes, going over any questions and concerns. As the conversation began to wind down, she paused for a moment. "Well, Rachelle, before I let you go, I wanted to speak with you about one last thing," she said in her friendly, southern voice. "It turns out, we have an opening for you at one of our Mercy Homes! You'll be staying at our Lincoln, California Home, near Sacramento! You have a little over a month to prepare; your scheduled arrival date is July 27th!"
Wow!!! I'm totally stoked with the Lord's timing on this one!!!
I have a lot of planning and preparing (and blood tests,ugh) to do, but I am suuuuupppeeerrrrrr excited that the day is finally in sight!!!!
I'll keep you all posted on the details (what I get to bring, phone calls, letters, ect.) I just printed out my resident guide, and I'm having soooo much fun reading through it!!!
Mercy Ministry's program lasts 6 months...I know...I'll miss you too. =]
Again, I'll be posting more details about visits and that kind of stuff later.
For now, I'm in celebration mode! I'm sure there will be many tears due to homesickness and insecurity, but I know the healing the Lord brings will be worth every moment of fear.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I Have a Hope
Hey guys! Wow, it's been a while since I've given out an update, and I apologize.
Good news! I am officially finished with high school!!!
I've been super busy with graduation ceremonies, and parties, but I think things are beginning to wind down.
While the numerous social events have taken a toll on my emotional stability, I am happy to say that I did better than I thought I would...much better in fact. This, of course, is a product of endless prayer, and help from the Lord.
Goodness! Just thinking back on all of the decadent desserts that accompanied every party, I'm shocked that no disasters occurred! I'm serious, these parties were loaded with all kinds of goodies that would have fit conveniently in my purse; yet I had my guardian angles all around me, shielding me from misfortune.
Before my graduation ceremony, I had one little freak-out. I had a song prepared to go along with a short, little speech. (Well, at least I thought I was prepared)
I was sure I had the lyrics down, but after running through the song with my accompanist, Lori, I couldn't remember the words for the life of me.
Not only that, I also forgot what I was going to share before I sang my song.
I scribbled the lyrics down and just stared at them.
I cant do this, I thought. There is no way I'm getting up on that stage.
Once the ceremony began, I sat in the audience with no intention of going up on stage. As I looked around, I saw all my family members and friends who were there to support me. I can't let them down, I thought.
I leaned over to my mom. "Mom, I have to sit in the car for a few minutes. I'll be back, I promise." My mom was hesitant at first, but she handed me the keys, and I quickly made my way towards my dad's jeep. I knew I had about 10 minutes before the highschool grads were called to walk down the isle.
I sat in the front seat of the jeep and prayed, did a few vocal warm ups, and prayed again. "God, walk with me down that isle; give me strength and courage; help me sing like I've never sang before; let me minister to others like others have ministered to me."
A peace came over me as I walked in to the lobby where the graduates were lined up, garbed in their graduation attire. I zipped up my gown and placed my cap on my head; we all had that look of excitement in our eyes- not nerves, just pure excitement. In just a few moments, we were all going to graduate!!!
Each of the graduates had a unique way of accepting their diploma. Some gave a touching speech, some made videos, and others played instruments. This had to be the most special graduation in the world!
The Lord gave me confidence as I shared about the cross I received for my 18th birthday. In bold letters, it says "Journey," and in smaller script are Jeremiah 29:11 and Psalm 32:8
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you".
These verses tied in with my song. It's called "I Have a Hope," and it's a my declaration!
Here are the verses:
I have a hope, I have a future
I have a destiny that is yet awaiting me
My life’s not over, a new beginning’s just begun
I have a hope, I have this hope
God has a plan, it’s not to harm me
But it’s to prosper me and to hear me when I call
He intercedes for me, working all things for my good
Though trials may come I have this hope
Chorus
I will yet praise Him, my great Redeemer
I will yet stand up and give Him glory with my life
He takes my darkness and He turns it into light
I will yet praise Him, my Lord my God
My God is for me, He’s not against me
So tell me whom then, tell me whom then shall I fear
He has prepared for me
Great works He’ll help me to complete
I have a hope, I have this hope
Goodness and mercy, they’re gonna follow me
And I’ll forever dwell in the house of my great King
No eye has ever seen all He’s preparing there for me
Though trials may come, I have this hope
Bridge
There’s still hope for me today
‘Cause the God heaven loves me
I am so happy I was able to sing that song! When I practiced the song earlier, I felt like I was straining my voice. But during the ceremony, the notes were able to flow, and I could sing those words with meaning without having to worry about my voice cracking. That was totally a God thing!
People later came up to me saying "I've never heard you sing like that!" That's because I really have never been able to sing like that before- I felt the anointing of the Holy Spirit as I sang, and I felt the His presence throughout the rest of the night.
I am so thankful that the Lord gave me the strength to walk in victory these last few weeks. I got a call from Mercy Ministries this morning, and the application process is moving along smoothly. The Committee approved my application, and I am now on the waiting list to stay at one of the homes. My family and I are praying that the wait won't be too long or too difficult for me. There is hope for me yet.
Good news! I am officially finished with high school!!!
I've been super busy with graduation ceremonies, and parties, but I think things are beginning to wind down.
While the numerous social events have taken a toll on my emotional stability, I am happy to say that I did better than I thought I would...much better in fact. This, of course, is a product of endless prayer, and help from the Lord.
Goodness! Just thinking back on all of the decadent desserts that accompanied every party, I'm shocked that no disasters occurred! I'm serious, these parties were loaded with all kinds of goodies that would have fit conveniently in my purse; yet I had my guardian angles all around me, shielding me from misfortune.
Before my graduation ceremony, I had one little freak-out. I had a song prepared to go along with a short, little speech. (Well, at least I thought I was prepared)
I was sure I had the lyrics down, but after running through the song with my accompanist, Lori, I couldn't remember the words for the life of me.
Not only that, I also forgot what I was going to share before I sang my song.
I scribbled the lyrics down and just stared at them.
I cant do this, I thought. There is no way I'm getting up on that stage.
Once the ceremony began, I sat in the audience with no intention of going up on stage. As I looked around, I saw all my family members and friends who were there to support me. I can't let them down, I thought.
I leaned over to my mom. "Mom, I have to sit in the car for a few minutes. I'll be back, I promise." My mom was hesitant at first, but she handed me the keys, and I quickly made my way towards my dad's jeep. I knew I had about 10 minutes before the highschool grads were called to walk down the isle.
I sat in the front seat of the jeep and prayed, did a few vocal warm ups, and prayed again. "God, walk with me down that isle; give me strength and courage; help me sing like I've never sang before; let me minister to others like others have ministered to me."
A peace came over me as I walked in to the lobby where the graduates were lined up, garbed in their graduation attire. I zipped up my gown and placed my cap on my head; we all had that look of excitement in our eyes- not nerves, just pure excitement. In just a few moments, we were all going to graduate!!!
Each of the graduates had a unique way of accepting their diploma. Some gave a touching speech, some made videos, and others played instruments. This had to be the most special graduation in the world!
The Lord gave me confidence as I shared about the cross I received for my 18th birthday. In bold letters, it says "Journey," and in smaller script are Jeremiah 29:11 and Psalm 32:8
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you".
These verses tied in with my song. It's called "I Have a Hope," and it's a my declaration!
Here are the verses:
I have a hope, I have a future
I have a destiny that is yet awaiting me
My life’s not over, a new beginning’s just begun
I have a hope, I have this hope
God has a plan, it’s not to harm me
But it’s to prosper me and to hear me when I call
He intercedes for me, working all things for my good
Though trials may come I have this hope
Chorus
I will yet praise Him, my great Redeemer
I will yet stand up and give Him glory with my life
He takes my darkness and He turns it into light
I will yet praise Him, my Lord my God
My God is for me, He’s not against me
So tell me whom then, tell me whom then shall I fear
He has prepared for me
Great works He’ll help me to complete
I have a hope, I have this hope
Goodness and mercy, they’re gonna follow me
And I’ll forever dwell in the house of my great King
No eye has ever seen all He’s preparing there for me
Though trials may come, I have this hope
Bridge
There’s still hope for me today
‘Cause the God heaven loves me
I am so happy I was able to sing that song! When I practiced the song earlier, I felt like I was straining my voice. But during the ceremony, the notes were able to flow, and I could sing those words with meaning without having to worry about my voice cracking. That was totally a God thing!
People later came up to me saying "I've never heard you sing like that!" That's because I really have never been able to sing like that before- I felt the anointing of the Holy Spirit as I sang, and I felt the His presence throughout the rest of the night.
I am so thankful that the Lord gave me the strength to walk in victory these last few weeks. I got a call from Mercy Ministries this morning, and the application process is moving along smoothly. The Committee approved my application, and I am now on the waiting list to stay at one of the homes. My family and I are praying that the wait won't be too long or too difficult for me. There is hope for me yet.
Monday, May 24, 2010
More Mercy
Hey everyone! So nothing too disastrous has happened this past week. I've gone an entire week without a full-blown binge. I have managed to sneak a little bit of food and purge it, but overall, I've kept my head this week.
I'm a little nervous about the weeks ahead. I've been invited to several graduation parties, and I have my own grad-party to worry about as well (luckily mine is just a small Japanese dinner). *Sigh* I wish I didn't have to dread happy celebrations.
I'll have to make a success plan with Mary and have my mom and other family members keep me accountable. Yes, I may feel uncomfortable for a while; but I must remember: feelings pass! Letting my emotions control my actions is what leads me to binge and purge. When I have my accountability partners speaking truth into my life, I am able to think logically and separate the facts from the feelings.
Alright, so this week I've haven't been too friendly towards God. I was SUPER pissed actually. I was riding in the car with my dad and my little brothers on Saturday. We were on way to the track for a morning run. Unlike my disposition, the weather was bright and sunny. As I was in the seat next to him, my Dad says, "this is the day the Lord has made, so let us rejoice and be glad in it!"
Yeah, easy for you to say, I thought. You don't have an eating disorder.
In fact, I have three reasons not to rejoice: Anorexia, Bulimia, and binge eating!
I then started screaming at God in my mind:
God! Why couldn't I just stay anorexic? At least I was skinny! Now I'm a crazy binge eating-bulimic-anorexic freak!!! Why did you let this happen? Why didn't you stop this?
When we arrived at the track, my attitude hadn't improved. While my dad and my brothers stretched, I stared at the track and pictured myself running lap after lap, until all traces of fat and flab disappeared. I pictured myself running until there was nothing but a skeleton, just skin and bones with a shuddering heart.
Then the Lord spoke to me.
"Rachelle, I allowed the binge-eating and the bulimia to save you from your anorexia, to save you from yourself!"
I remembered six months ago, when the doctors told me I slowly deteriorating...and I couldn't care less; I wanted to be thin more than anything. I wanted to see how far I could go; I wanted to be as thin as humanly possible.
I would have kept running and restricting until the day I finally felt thin enough- a day that would never come.
I admit, I have never been able to accept the fact that I need to gain weight. Though I'm heavier than I was six months ago, this weight was the product of out of control binge-eating, and it saved me from permanently damaging my body.
So, am I happy I'm bulimic? No! But I am happy to be alive and past my anorexia. With my body shutting down, I was in a dangerous place, literally dying to be thin. The Lord wanted me out of this danger zone as soon as possible, and binge eating was the fastest way out. He showed me mercy by allowing certain circumstances.
I always viewed a binge session as a time of darkness, where God was completely absent. Now I realize that every time I downed a gallon of ice cream, or shoved peanut butter sandwiches down my throat, He was there. At 3:00am, when I would hide in the garage with a carton of milk and a cupboard full of cereal, feeling cold and alone, He was there. He was beside me during every binge. With His wonderful plans for my future, he wasn't going to let me starve myself to death.
The Lord certainly has an interesting way of orchestrating things.
Romans 8:28 says:
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Wow! He causes all things to work together for good!!! All things!!! Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating- the Lord can bring good out of these diseases!
We serve a merciful God!
I'm a little nervous about the weeks ahead. I've been invited to several graduation parties, and I have my own grad-party to worry about as well (luckily mine is just a small Japanese dinner). *Sigh* I wish I didn't have to dread happy celebrations.
I'll have to make a success plan with Mary and have my mom and other family members keep me accountable. Yes, I may feel uncomfortable for a while; but I must remember: feelings pass! Letting my emotions control my actions is what leads me to binge and purge. When I have my accountability partners speaking truth into my life, I am able to think logically and separate the facts from the feelings.
Alright, so this week I've haven't been too friendly towards God. I was SUPER pissed actually. I was riding in the car with my dad and my little brothers on Saturday. We were on way to the track for a morning run. Unlike my disposition, the weather was bright and sunny. As I was in the seat next to him, my Dad says, "this is the day the Lord has made, so let us rejoice and be glad in it!"
Yeah, easy for you to say, I thought. You don't have an eating disorder.
In fact, I have three reasons not to rejoice: Anorexia, Bulimia, and binge eating!
I then started screaming at God in my mind:
God! Why couldn't I just stay anorexic? At least I was skinny! Now I'm a crazy binge eating-bulimic-anorexic freak!!! Why did you let this happen? Why didn't you stop this?
When we arrived at the track, my attitude hadn't improved. While my dad and my brothers stretched, I stared at the track and pictured myself running lap after lap, until all traces of fat and flab disappeared. I pictured myself running until there was nothing but a skeleton, just skin and bones with a shuddering heart.
Then the Lord spoke to me.
"Rachelle, I allowed the binge-eating and the bulimia to save you from your anorexia, to save you from yourself!"
I remembered six months ago, when the doctors told me I slowly deteriorating...and I couldn't care less; I wanted to be thin more than anything. I wanted to see how far I could go; I wanted to be as thin as humanly possible.
I would have kept running and restricting until the day I finally felt thin enough- a day that would never come.
I admit, I have never been able to accept the fact that I need to gain weight. Though I'm heavier than I was six months ago, this weight was the product of out of control binge-eating, and it saved me from permanently damaging my body.
So, am I happy I'm bulimic? No! But I am happy to be alive and past my anorexia. With my body shutting down, I was in a dangerous place, literally dying to be thin. The Lord wanted me out of this danger zone as soon as possible, and binge eating was the fastest way out. He showed me mercy by allowing certain circumstances.
I always viewed a binge session as a time of darkness, where God was completely absent. Now I realize that every time I downed a gallon of ice cream, or shoved peanut butter sandwiches down my throat, He was there. At 3:00am, when I would hide in the garage with a carton of milk and a cupboard full of cereal, feeling cold and alone, He was there. He was beside me during every binge. With His wonderful plans for my future, he wasn't going to let me starve myself to death.
The Lord certainly has an interesting way of orchestrating things.
Romans 8:28 says:
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Wow! He causes all things to work together for good!!! All things!!! Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating- the Lord can bring good out of these diseases!
We serve a merciful God!
Monday, May 10, 2010
On thin ice
From now on, I'll be posting the majority of this blog from my phone, so please excuse the atrocious spelling. :)
I've been extra emotional these past few weeks. I feel as though I am simply skating through life, never knowing when I might suddenly fall through the ice. The ice is especially brittle when I attend a party or event. The last thing I want is for this eating disorder to keep me from celebrating with my friends; but at the same time, I can't help feeling like an outcast when I'm amongst a large crowd.
Let's start with the weekend before last (Mother's day weekend).
With three parties in one weekend, a meltdown was bound to occur. Friday's party went smoothly with the help of one of my accountability partners. Julie and I planned what I should snack on, and when I should stop. I must admit, I was terrified when I saw the box of doughnut holes, packages of Oreo cookies, and the giant platter of cinnamon rolls. Filling my pockets and purse with all the yummy goodies was hard to resist. Julie provided healthy snacks as well, ones that wouldn't tempt me to purge. So I filled my plate with grapes and "Smart Pop" popcorn, and limited myself to one cinnamon roll (a treat I hadn't had since Christmas time). With my food worries gone, I was able to enjoy spending time with my friends.
My good behavior at the party went down the toilet (literally) when I spent that night at my grandma's house. She had taken the time to remove all the sweets from her cupboards, but that didn't halt my desire to binge and purge. Around 3:00 am, I quietly cracked open the fridge and reached for the giant block of cheese. After emptying my stomach of about a pound of cheddar, I crawled back in bed, feeling miserable and sick. I continued to sneak more cheese and half a loaf of bread from the fridge throughout the next morning.
When the time came for the next party, my stomach was stuffed full; but I continued to eat despite the pain. Though I had eaten a sensible amount of food during the meal time, I longed to go back for seconds- heck, I wanted every last piece of bread on the buffet counter. I begged my mom to take me to get more food. "Ok, we can get more salad," she said.
As I walked into the kitchen, I pictured myself lifting one of the giant bowls of pasta salad and emptying all of its contents into my mouth. I saw myself moving from bowl to bowl, emotionally ravenous, but physically stuffed. This imaginary Rachelle dunked her head in the pot of beans and slurped up the remains; she gnawed on chicken, sucking the marrow from the bones; she licked the plates clean until very morsel and every crumb was consumed. This was what I would become if I continued to entertain those voices, those thoughts and desires, those lies of bulimia.
The desire to be alone with all that food was completely overwhelming. This desire burned in my chest and brought a flood of tears to my eyes.
"I have to get out of here," I whispered.
Luckily, my dad had a business appointment to go to, and he was happy to have me tag along. We had a thirty minute drive, which gave me plenty of time to calm down. I rarely talked with my dad when I was younger, and I am still hesitant to initiate a conversation; but our relationship has healed soooo much since I've been dealing with this disease. There is still so much I don't know about my dad, things I've never bothered to ask him about. During our drive, I asked him about how he became passionate about running. His story blew me away. I felt like he was telling me about a fictional character, one who had been on an epic journey. But Ken Hunter was no fantasy, he was my dad! My Dad had traveled all around the world, and I had never shown any interest.
Now that I've been talking with my dad, I see him in an entirely different light. For years, I had a distorted view of his character and what he thought of me. Now I see that the Lord has blessed me with a compassionate and caring father who loves me despite all my struggles and imperfections.
Mother's Day was a victory day. Focusing on blessing my mom and my grandma took the focus off myself for once, and thoughts of hoarding food hardly crossed my mind. I tried my best not to cause my mom any grief, and I'm pretty sure I succeeded.
As far as my food plan goes, I had been restricting my calories to counteract my binges. This of course starts the cycle of deprivation and hunger that leads to wanting to binge and overeat. I weighed in at Mary's, and saw that I had dropped a few pounds (I was actually surprised...after a whole block of cheese and a loaf of bread the previous weekend).
Mary stressed the importance of eating enough calories, though going over 18 weight watchers points sends me into a purging panic.
I recently bought a new food journal, and have been faithfully tracking my calories/points. I admit, it is super hard for me to eat 18 points without any guilt. But Mary and I agreed that I would stay above 18 points every day this week. My weigh-in is in two days, and honestly, I don't know what to expect.
I have overcome quite a few "insecurity hurdles" this week. My weight isn't my only obsession; I'm concerned about my entire appearance. So when I chopped my hair to pieces, my the whole world caved in around me. All I was going to do was give my bangs a little trim; this led to hours of snipping until I finally gave up. Sunday morning, I crumpled to the ground in defeat.
"My life is over," I wailed.
But I HAD to go to church, and I HAD to get packed up to stay with Rhonda. I pushed my emotions aside, and I did what I had to do. Singing on stage in choir was difficult, but I couldn't let my hair hold me back from worshiping the Lord. After singing songs of praise, my worries vanished.
I had another meltdown after lunch at Rhonda's house. My mom was getting ready to leave and I wanted to wimp out and go with her, though I had planned to stay a few days with Rhonda. My hair made me feel absolutely hideous, and I wanted to go home and hide. But I also knew that once I got home, all I would be able to do is lie in bed and wallow in my self-pity. Rhonda saw me huddled on the ground with a mixture of tears and mascara running down my face.
Rhonda has a "no-nonsense" way of adressing a situation, and for that I am very grateful. She knelt down beside be and said, "Rachelle, don't let your hair determine what you do!"
I decided to stay with Rhonda and Charlie after all. We went to see my cousins perform later that night. Though my hair was still a concern, I didn't want it to keep me from having a fun night out.
Well, I'm still enjoying my stay at Rhonda and Charlie's house. Again, I am so grateful for my aunt and uncle's hospitality.
I'll be returning home sometime tomorrow. I'll probably write post some more then.
I hope you enjoy reading about my journey.
I sure enjoy reflecting on the places the Lord takes me each week.
I've been extra emotional these past few weeks. I feel as though I am simply skating through life, never knowing when I might suddenly fall through the ice. The ice is especially brittle when I attend a party or event. The last thing I want is for this eating disorder to keep me from celebrating with my friends; but at the same time, I can't help feeling like an outcast when I'm amongst a large crowd.
Let's start with the weekend before last (Mother's day weekend).
With three parties in one weekend, a meltdown was bound to occur. Friday's party went smoothly with the help of one of my accountability partners. Julie and I planned what I should snack on, and when I should stop. I must admit, I was terrified when I saw the box of doughnut holes, packages of Oreo cookies, and the giant platter of cinnamon rolls. Filling my pockets and purse with all the yummy goodies was hard to resist. Julie provided healthy snacks as well, ones that wouldn't tempt me to purge. So I filled my plate with grapes and "Smart Pop" popcorn, and limited myself to one cinnamon roll (a treat I hadn't had since Christmas time). With my food worries gone, I was able to enjoy spending time with my friends.
My good behavior at the party went down the toilet (literally) when I spent that night at my grandma's house. She had taken the time to remove all the sweets from her cupboards, but that didn't halt my desire to binge and purge. Around 3:00 am, I quietly cracked open the fridge and reached for the giant block of cheese. After emptying my stomach of about a pound of cheddar, I crawled back in bed, feeling miserable and sick. I continued to sneak more cheese and half a loaf of bread from the fridge throughout the next morning.
When the time came for the next party, my stomach was stuffed full; but I continued to eat despite the pain. Though I had eaten a sensible amount of food during the meal time, I longed to go back for seconds- heck, I wanted every last piece of bread on the buffet counter. I begged my mom to take me to get more food. "Ok, we can get more salad," she said.
As I walked into the kitchen, I pictured myself lifting one of the giant bowls of pasta salad and emptying all of its contents into my mouth. I saw myself moving from bowl to bowl, emotionally ravenous, but physically stuffed. This imaginary Rachelle dunked her head in the pot of beans and slurped up the remains; she gnawed on chicken, sucking the marrow from the bones; she licked the plates clean until very morsel and every crumb was consumed. This was what I would become if I continued to entertain those voices, those thoughts and desires, those lies of bulimia.
The desire to be alone with all that food was completely overwhelming. This desire burned in my chest and brought a flood of tears to my eyes.
"I have to get out of here," I whispered.
Luckily, my dad had a business appointment to go to, and he was happy to have me tag along. We had a thirty minute drive, which gave me plenty of time to calm down. I rarely talked with my dad when I was younger, and I am still hesitant to initiate a conversation; but our relationship has healed soooo much since I've been dealing with this disease. There is still so much I don't know about my dad, things I've never bothered to ask him about. During our drive, I asked him about how he became passionate about running. His story blew me away. I felt like he was telling me about a fictional character, one who had been on an epic journey. But Ken Hunter was no fantasy, he was my dad! My Dad had traveled all around the world, and I had never shown any interest.
Now that I've been talking with my dad, I see him in an entirely different light. For years, I had a distorted view of his character and what he thought of me. Now I see that the Lord has blessed me with a compassionate and caring father who loves me despite all my struggles and imperfections.
Mother's Day was a victory day. Focusing on blessing my mom and my grandma took the focus off myself for once, and thoughts of hoarding food hardly crossed my mind. I tried my best not to cause my mom any grief, and I'm pretty sure I succeeded.
As far as my food plan goes, I had been restricting my calories to counteract my binges. This of course starts the cycle of deprivation and hunger that leads to wanting to binge and overeat. I weighed in at Mary's, and saw that I had dropped a few pounds (I was actually surprised...after a whole block of cheese and a loaf of bread the previous weekend).
Mary stressed the importance of eating enough calories, though going over 18 weight watchers points sends me into a purging panic.
I recently bought a new food journal, and have been faithfully tracking my calories/points. I admit, it is super hard for me to eat 18 points without any guilt. But Mary and I agreed that I would stay above 18 points every day this week. My weigh-in is in two days, and honestly, I don't know what to expect.
I have overcome quite a few "insecurity hurdles" this week. My weight isn't my only obsession; I'm concerned about my entire appearance. So when I chopped my hair to pieces, my the whole world caved in around me. All I was going to do was give my bangs a little trim; this led to hours of snipping until I finally gave up. Sunday morning, I crumpled to the ground in defeat.
"My life is over," I wailed.
But I HAD to go to church, and I HAD to get packed up to stay with Rhonda. I pushed my emotions aside, and I did what I had to do. Singing on stage in choir was difficult, but I couldn't let my hair hold me back from worshiping the Lord. After singing songs of praise, my worries vanished.
I had another meltdown after lunch at Rhonda's house. My mom was getting ready to leave and I wanted to wimp out and go with her, though I had planned to stay a few days with Rhonda. My hair made me feel absolutely hideous, and I wanted to go home and hide. But I also knew that once I got home, all I would be able to do is lie in bed and wallow in my self-pity. Rhonda saw me huddled on the ground with a mixture of tears and mascara running down my face.
Rhonda has a "no-nonsense" way of adressing a situation, and for that I am very grateful. She knelt down beside be and said, "Rachelle, don't let your hair determine what you do!"
I decided to stay with Rhonda and Charlie after all. We went to see my cousins perform later that night. Though my hair was still a concern, I didn't want it to keep me from having a fun night out.
Well, I'm still enjoying my stay at Rhonda and Charlie's house. Again, I am so grateful for my aunt and uncle's hospitality.
I'll be returning home sometime tomorrow. I'll probably write post some more then.
I hope you enjoy reading about my journey.
I sure enjoy reflecting on the places the Lord takes me each week.
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