This morning marked the one week anniversary of the worst binge ever.
Unlike last week's disaster, I was able to get myself out of bed, give my day to the Lord, and have ONE bowl of cereal...ONE delicious bowl...not a bag full of crap...one nutritious bowl.
Last night I was planning to get up in the night and chow down, but after reflecting on youth service, I knew that would send me back into that vicious cycle of guilt and remorse- one of the reasons I purge. I feel like purging is a way of punishing my body for giving in to the binging.
Overcoming these self-destructive habits has been such an enormous challenge, but last night was a step in the right direction. I was finally able to tell my mom that I was struggling with my cravings and foolish desires to binge. We both cleared out the dishes in my room, and prayed together. By the end of our prayer time (and four bottles of water later), the urge to binge had subsided, and I was able to see the destructive outcome it would bring if I continued to fall into my pit.
I worshiped the Lord as I got ready for bed. Praising his name banished all thoughts of food and need for comfort. He was my comfort. He gave me a restful night- a night of peace and knowing that I am loved.
So, I had a breakfast bowl of victory this morning, a salad of celebration at noon, and a turkey burger of thanksgiving for dinner.
Oh! and cocoa and conversation with a dear friend.
I plan on keeping it all in my belly =]
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Recovery week
I've had a few major setbacks this past week. It seems that right when I start to do well, I let go of God's hand and forget about Him altogether.
I was able to follow my nutritionist's food guide for a whole week- no purging, no laxatives!
But...my fear and insecurities set in, and I began to binge. I thought I could stop with just one jar of peanut butter (a favorite among binge food), but I continued to search for happiness in tasty foods. Not once did I stop and think about what I was doing. Deep down, I knew that the binging always makes me sick and miserable in the end. I didn't ask God to give me the strength to stop, because I didn't want to stop! Well, part of me did, but my fearful side wanted more comfort, and sought comfort through the jar peanut butter, the quart of ice cream, and the bag of honey bunches of oats.
It normally takes me a whole day to consume all my binge food, leaving my stomach stretched to the limit. Even when I am in physical pain, I still desire food more than anything on binge days.
This binge went on and off for three days. I went three days without a shower, two days without washing my face, and two days without changing my clothes. I was a wreck! The only thing I wanted to do was eat...and eat...and eat. I ate any fatty or sugary snack I could get my hands on, and even went to great lengths to steal food from other houses (mainly family members...but still, that's messed up!).
My mom tried her best to help me, but couldn't monitor me 24/7, so I continued to let my distorted desires control me.
"I just can't stop eating," I said. "I want food more than anything in the world!"
After polishing off the last of my brownie mix (or my cousin's brownie mix)on Friday night, I finally fell asleep.
I dreamed a very realistic nightmare that night.
I was screaming "break free!" at the top of my lungs, but there was no sound, and I stayed paralyzed in my bed. A demon was standing next to my bed, blocking the sound of my voice, when suddenly, I felt a great warmth in my chest and heard a voice boom "break free." I woke up after that, and began to cry out to God.
I asked him to give me the strength to quit this terrible binge. I cried, "Don't let me go back; I can't go back."
It's been two days since the last binge. The first day of recovery is always the hardest. After eating constantly for three days, I don't know what to do with myself. My mom and my aunt are both helping me get back on track.
Today, I behaved and functioned like a normal human being, and ate according to the nutrition plan. I gave my day completely over to the Lord.
This week is going to be a week of victory.
I am ready to move on and start healing again.
I was able to follow my nutritionist's food guide for a whole week- no purging, no laxatives!
But...my fear and insecurities set in, and I began to binge. I thought I could stop with just one jar of peanut butter (a favorite among binge food), but I continued to search for happiness in tasty foods. Not once did I stop and think about what I was doing. Deep down, I knew that the binging always makes me sick and miserable in the end. I didn't ask God to give me the strength to stop, because I didn't want to stop! Well, part of me did, but my fearful side wanted more comfort, and sought comfort through the jar peanut butter, the quart of ice cream, and the bag of honey bunches of oats.
It normally takes me a whole day to consume all my binge food, leaving my stomach stretched to the limit. Even when I am in physical pain, I still desire food more than anything on binge days.
This binge went on and off for three days. I went three days without a shower, two days without washing my face, and two days without changing my clothes. I was a wreck! The only thing I wanted to do was eat...and eat...and eat. I ate any fatty or sugary snack I could get my hands on, and even went to great lengths to steal food from other houses (mainly family members...but still, that's messed up!).
My mom tried her best to help me, but couldn't monitor me 24/7, so I continued to let my distorted desires control me.
"I just can't stop eating," I said. "I want food more than anything in the world!"
After polishing off the last of my brownie mix (or my cousin's brownie mix)on Friday night, I finally fell asleep.
I dreamed a very realistic nightmare that night.
I was screaming "break free!" at the top of my lungs, but there was no sound, and I stayed paralyzed in my bed. A demon was standing next to my bed, blocking the sound of my voice, when suddenly, I felt a great warmth in my chest and heard a voice boom "break free." I woke up after that, and began to cry out to God.
I asked him to give me the strength to quit this terrible binge. I cried, "Don't let me go back; I can't go back."
It's been two days since the last binge. The first day of recovery is always the hardest. After eating constantly for three days, I don't know what to do with myself. My mom and my aunt are both helping me get back on track.
Today, I behaved and functioned like a normal human being, and ate according to the nutrition plan. I gave my day completely over to the Lord.
This week is going to be a week of victory.
I am ready to move on and start healing again.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Some Background
Ok, so let me tell you a little bit more about my struggle.
I wasn't always concerned about my weight or appearance. In fact, up until my freshman year of high school, I couldn't care less about what I ate. Sure, I liked to look nice and put together (my hair always being my main focus); but I didn't start obsessing until I turned 15. Entering high school after being home schooled for 5 years came as a shock to me. I became very insecure as friends I had gone to school with earlier in elementary school rejected and ignored me.
Luckily, performing arts led me to new friendships, and I began to build some confidence again.
My solid group of friends were my church friends- buddies from birth, I could always count on them to make me feel accepted.
During my sophomore year, I decided to go on my first crash diet. I had been accepted to attend a modeling/acting conference in Los Angeles, and I wanted to look my best. I lost a tremendous amount of weight in a short amount of time. I loved the fast results and the affirmation I received from my friends.
This was the start of my "yo-yo dieting" that began to consume my life.
I wasn't signed with a modeling or acting agent after the conference in LA, so I quickly gained the weight back, ditching the diet and eating much more than I used to.
Once I would see weight coming back on, I would skip a meal or two a day, or eat only veggies. My eating habits became a bizarre cycle of starvation, then over eating. I could go days without food, but a binge was always around the corner.
I knew my eating habits were far from normal, and I longed to eat like my friends, but guilt always set in when I strayed from my dieting. More guilt would set in when I would binge (usually on something loaded with fat or carbs- two things I would deprive myself of).
The fad diets continued, and so did the binging. Junior year, I tried it all- from green tea, to extreme diet pills, to cabbage soup and grapefruit. These all led to temporary weight loss...and disappointment.
Before I turned 17, I became obsessed with fitness and exercise. I had a traumatic semester at my high school, so my parents agreed to let me home school again. This gave me time to get in shape, though the binging would still continue.
I spent most of my birthday money on diet pills; that's when my grandma became concerned about my obsession and introduced me to the weight watchers point system. She made me promise to stop the diet pills and gave me a weight watchers food book. This book became my constant companion for months. I was actually able to keep weight off consistently, and soon I was able to see big results.
As summer came around, losing weight was my number one focus. My diet was completely fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free, and low carb. One ounce of sugar, and one gram of fat, and I would go ballistic.
This was when the laxatives came in. These harsh stimulant laxatives were my back up plan in case I slipped up and consumed too many calories (even if I had a morsel of chocolate- my worst enemy). Purging with laxatives was much easier for me than throwing up, though I had developed that habit as well.
My weight began to drop rapidly, and soon family and friends became even more concerned. My mom and I had agreed upon a specific weight for me to maintain, but I had fallen far bellow that number.
No matter how much weight I lost, I was never satisfied. "Just five more pounds" is what I would say. Over time, those five pounds became over 40, and I was still unsatisfied, miserable, and trapped in a pit. The binging and purging had consumed me. There were often times I thought I would die due to an overdose of laxatives. The pain was so excruciating as I would take five times the daily dosage, and also experiment by mixing different kinds. My mouth also began to bleed from vomiting so consistently. I absolutely hated who I had become and the lifestyle I had chosen.
I finally asked my my family members and youth leaders for help. They formed a support group for me, and are now committed to help me through my struggle and out of my pit.
I am so happy God has blessed me with an amazing family and loving friends. They have been so kind and understanding throughout this journey towards healing.
God has provided so many tools for my success. I have a new friend who has overcome anorexia, a caring counselor, a fantastic doctor, and an awesome fitness coach/ nutritionist.
Of course, my eating disorder didn't happen overnight, and neither will my recovery. (This took me a while to realize)
I still have my setbacks, but I am able to learn and grow from each of them. With the Lord's help, I can walk in victory.
I wasn't always concerned about my weight or appearance. In fact, up until my freshman year of high school, I couldn't care less about what I ate. Sure, I liked to look nice and put together (my hair always being my main focus); but I didn't start obsessing until I turned 15. Entering high school after being home schooled for 5 years came as a shock to me. I became very insecure as friends I had gone to school with earlier in elementary school rejected and ignored me.
Luckily, performing arts led me to new friendships, and I began to build some confidence again.
My solid group of friends were my church friends- buddies from birth, I could always count on them to make me feel accepted.
During my sophomore year, I decided to go on my first crash diet. I had been accepted to attend a modeling/acting conference in Los Angeles, and I wanted to look my best. I lost a tremendous amount of weight in a short amount of time. I loved the fast results and the affirmation I received from my friends.
This was the start of my "yo-yo dieting" that began to consume my life.
I wasn't signed with a modeling or acting agent after the conference in LA, so I quickly gained the weight back, ditching the diet and eating much more than I used to.
Once I would see weight coming back on, I would skip a meal or two a day, or eat only veggies. My eating habits became a bizarre cycle of starvation, then over eating. I could go days without food, but a binge was always around the corner.
I knew my eating habits were far from normal, and I longed to eat like my friends, but guilt always set in when I strayed from my dieting. More guilt would set in when I would binge (usually on something loaded with fat or carbs- two things I would deprive myself of).
The fad diets continued, and so did the binging. Junior year, I tried it all- from green tea, to extreme diet pills, to cabbage soup and grapefruit. These all led to temporary weight loss...and disappointment.
Before I turned 17, I became obsessed with fitness and exercise. I had a traumatic semester at my high school, so my parents agreed to let me home school again. This gave me time to get in shape, though the binging would still continue.
I spent most of my birthday money on diet pills; that's when my grandma became concerned about my obsession and introduced me to the weight watchers point system. She made me promise to stop the diet pills and gave me a weight watchers food book. This book became my constant companion for months. I was actually able to keep weight off consistently, and soon I was able to see big results.
As summer came around, losing weight was my number one focus. My diet was completely fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free, and low carb. One ounce of sugar, and one gram of fat, and I would go ballistic.
This was when the laxatives came in. These harsh stimulant laxatives were my back up plan in case I slipped up and consumed too many calories (even if I had a morsel of chocolate- my worst enemy). Purging with laxatives was much easier for me than throwing up, though I had developed that habit as well.
My weight began to drop rapidly, and soon family and friends became even more concerned. My mom and I had agreed upon a specific weight for me to maintain, but I had fallen far bellow that number.
No matter how much weight I lost, I was never satisfied. "Just five more pounds" is what I would say. Over time, those five pounds became over 40, and I was still unsatisfied, miserable, and trapped in a pit. The binging and purging had consumed me. There were often times I thought I would die due to an overdose of laxatives. The pain was so excruciating as I would take five times the daily dosage, and also experiment by mixing different kinds. My mouth also began to bleed from vomiting so consistently. I absolutely hated who I had become and the lifestyle I had chosen.
I finally asked my my family members and youth leaders for help. They formed a support group for me, and are now committed to help me through my struggle and out of my pit.
I am so happy God has blessed me with an amazing family and loving friends. They have been so kind and understanding throughout this journey towards healing.
God has provided so many tools for my success. I have a new friend who has overcome anorexia, a caring counselor, a fantastic doctor, and an awesome fitness coach/ nutritionist.
Of course, my eating disorder didn't happen overnight, and neither will my recovery. (This took me a while to realize)
I still have my setbacks, but I am able to learn and grow from each of them. With the Lord's help, I can walk in victory.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
My Journey
Hey everyone!
This is my first ever blog, so I'm pretty excited to get started!
Welocme to my eating disorder recovery journal!
I'll be posting updates each week on my progress, things I've learned, and special moments of triumph and victory.
With the Lord's help, as well as the support of my family and friends, I know I'll be able to say "Bye Bye Bulimia," and "Hello Happiness."
This is my first ever blog, so I'm pretty excited to get started!
Welocme to my eating disorder recovery journal!
I'll be posting updates each week on my progress, things I've learned, and special moments of triumph and victory.
With the Lord's help, as well as the support of my family and friends, I know I'll be able to say "Bye Bye Bulimia," and "Hello Happiness."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
