Grrrrrr!!!!
Why do I binge every time I go on vacation???!!!
Yeah, so as you all have noticed...I LOVE FOOD!
And vacation food is just ohhhhh soooooo tempting and yummy. I think most people struggle with over eating when they go on vay-cay, but I take it much more seriously. I know all the physiological and emotional issues behind over eating and binging, yet I still do it. It FEELS good.
...and now, I feel gross.
but good news: no purging or laxatives were involved; just a whole lot of chocolate, ice cream and french fries.
Can I be honest with all 'yall?
I feel just about as chubby, fat, and unattractive as I did three years ago, before I went all crazy with the weight loss programs and all that crap.
I don't- I repeat- don't want to fall back into that cycle. I hated dieting, restricting, and the constant worry of gaining weight. I hate the weight, size, and shape I am now; but I can't do anything about it without going back down that road again. I'm caught between a crappy rock and a hard place, dang it!
I just wanna be thin again!!!!!!!!!!
But then I must wonder...why??? Why do I want desperately to be thin again? Why is that suddenly my goal in life?
Man, it's soooo easy to put my security in my outward appearance rather than who God says I am. And here's why: people can make judgements based on appearance right off the bat. They can say, "oh, she's beautiful so she's valuable."
Oh! More wrong thinking! Again, I'm letting others determine my value when that's been God's job all along.
It's that dumb cycle again. I get thin, people approve of me, they value me, I suddenly feel valued, and my worth and value is based on my appearance.
I know it's wrong!!! I know it, I know it, I know it! That's why I'm taking the time to write out my thought patterns tonight- so I can identify where my thinking is warped. It all starts when I let others put a price tag on me. I can't let others determine my worth and value! My value is in who I am in Christ, not who the world says I am...the world gets it wrong every time! The world says, "Rachelle has chubby thighs and saddle bags, so she's not worth anything," or, "Rachelle isn't nearly as outgoing and bubbly as she should be, so she's not as valuable as the other girls."
Yeah, those of you who know me may be thinking, oh, but I've always valued Rachelle! (at least that's my hope...)
But the rest of the world probably finds me inferior next to most girls.
Hold a picture of my hips and thighs next to a photo of Megan Fox and one word comes to mind: INFERIOR!
Compare my personality to the rest of my friends and you'll know what I mean: Hmmmm, how should we describe Rachelle? Boring, shy, quiet, not talkative enough.
So the world is hard on girls like me. And that's why I can't let the world tell me how valuable I am- there just gonna tell me a big fat lie!
How do I know the world is lying?
Because God says otherwise!!! His Word is the Truth! He tells me in His Word that I am loved and beautiful, and there is no flaw in me! (Song of Solomon 4:7)
He says I am of great worth and value, and that I am a masterpiece! (Ephesians 2:10)
So yes, I'm probably the heaviest weight I've been in my entire life, but that doesn't change my TRUE worth or my value (yes, it certainly changes my value in the world's eyes- we can't deny that). But the world does not have the right to steal my joy, my happiness, and my confidence. I am confident in Christ and who God has made me! I refuse to base my identity on my outward appearance and my weight!
...my weight may go up and down, but my worth and value stays always the same.
~For all the daughters of The King:
Proverbs 31
A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman (that's us!!!)-She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls...Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised! (Yay!)
-Amplified Bible
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Blessing vs. Cursing
Hey everyone!
I've been praying and fasting for almost a week straight now (and when I say fasting, I don't necessarily mean food, but worldly influences and things that would draw me away from the Lord),and the Lord has already shown me some "whys" concerning the pain in my heart. He's shown me why unforgiveness creates such a freakin' deep hole in our souls!
Take a moment to think about unforgiveness...
now, think about what you think when harboring unforgiveness toward someone...
Let's say I can't forgive someone (well, I always can...but say I just don't want to), the thoughts that I have toward that person aren't positive. In fact, unforgiveness causes me to wish harm or misfortune upon those I chose not to forgive. I may think, "I hope they get what they deserve," or, "I hope ____ would happen to them." These are thoughts of revenge and payback for what these people did to me.
A few days ago, I was worshiping in my bathroom while putting on my makeup (Shout out to Bare Minerals! *Whoop Whoop!*), when the Lord spoke to my heart. He prompted me to start blessing people.
I thought, OK...where are you going with this Lord???
Instantly, the Lord put two people in my mind- two guys who had hurt me, and who I thought I had already forgiven. Then I started resisting; I didn't want to bless these people, they had HURT me!!!
That's when the realization smacked me in the head: I still hadn't forgiven them; I didn't want them to be blessed. In fact I wanted quite the opposite- but I'll get to that in a minute...
So I started blessing these guys. I spoke a blessing out loud, a blessing of life, prosperity, and abundance. I suddenly felt something in me change! I felt God doing a work in my soul as I spoke that blessing! That hole in my heart from being rejected by those boys was being "bound up" and healed! (Psalm 147:3)
The Lord then began to show me that holding unforgiveness had the opposite effect of speaking blessings. What's the opposite of a blessing???
A CURSE.
I thought, whoa God! Cursing? Really? That's so...out there, like in the witchcraft category.
But, again, when we don't want to forgive someone, deep down inside we hope that something awful would happen to them- something to get them back for the pain they caused us.
So this afternoon, I looked up the definition for the word "curse," and what I found just about floored me!
Ready?
Curse
noun /kərs/
curses, plural
1. A solemn utterance intended to invoke a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on someone or something
2. A cause of harm or misery
3. An offensive word or phrase used to express anger or annoyance
Whoa! Pretty intense stuff, right?
Take a good look at that first definition and think back to a time when you harbored unforgiveness against someone. Can you remember making any "solemn utterances?" Something like, "I can't believe they did that to me," or, "I never want to talk to her again after what she said."
I sure can recall my fair share of these solemn utterances. And they don't even have to be out loud! I remember something Joyce Meyer said in one of her teachings: "If it's going on in your mind, then it's going on!"
We may not realize it, but we curse people in our own heads. We wish harm upon them in our minds. I know I've told myself, "but I don't really wish that for them." But the truth is: Thoughts are real! If I wish it in my mind, then I really do wish it!
Let's take the supernatural part of that definition; it says our utterances intend to invoke a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on someone. Now, not everyone who holds unforgiveness believes in a supernatural power, because not everyone in the world is spiritual or religious. But, your average American does believe in fate, chance, or luck. So, an unbeliever would want fate to turn against that person who had hurt him. Anyone who holds unforgiveness wishes some higher power would punish those who did them wrong. That's the nature of a curse.
So here's were it gets a little interesting:
Since curses involve the supernatural, unforgiveness suddenly opens the door to the (you guessed it) supernatural! And, since there are only two powers in the supernatural realm- the Heavenly and the Demonic- guess what force is backing the curses we utter in our minds...the DEMONIC!
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
oh, wait, don't get too scared now =] Because greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world! (1 John 4:4) -That's my comfort scripture =]
Ok, so the curses in our minds open the door to the demonic and give demonic forces a right to affect our minds; and our minds are a part of our soul! Curses allow the devil to create wounds in our souls! This is why unforgiveness is sooooooo nasty! It attracts evil like a magnet.
But there's super awesome good news!!!! Guess what attracts heavenly power???
BLESSINGS!!!!! Yay!
Check it out: our blessings allow the Lord's power to come and heal up those wounds that our unforgiveness caused! We wish good upon those who have hurt us instead of wishing harm, and suddenly that good begins to permeate our hearts. Try to picture the angles in heaven when they suddenly hear us uttering blessings instead of curses; they would say, "Yes! She opened the door for us to minister to her! Now the Holy Spirit can come in, do His thing, and heal her broken heart!"
Not only that, but the power that is backing our blessings is MUCH greater than the power backing our curses. This means that the Holy Spirit is also driving away the demonic when we speak blessings! Those dumb demons will run off with their tails between their legs when we start blessing those who have hurt us.
So we've basically covered the first two deffinitions; but I want to make a point about the last one. A swear word is often called a curse. Why do we yell curse words? To express Anger!!! Grrrrr!!! "&%#$!" "$%&#!" "@%#$!"
Anger often accompanies unforgivess. I remember being soooooo angry about being ignored by those two guys. I remember thinking, "How could he ignore me after being so infatuated with me earlier? How dare he give all his attention to that other girl! I've worked way too hard on this body to go unnoticed!" My anger welled up more and more, and the curses started to flow in the dialogue of my mind: I hope he has a miserable life! I hope he crashes in that stupid car as he drives away without saying goodbye! That jerk!
Anger and unforgiveness go hand in hand.
I want to share a story with you about the unforgiveness I held against my brother as a child. I convinced myself that I hated my bother when I was young. Being autistic, he demanded most of my mother's attention, and I often felt alone, unwanted, and unimportant. I would lash out at him in physical violence, kicking, elbowing, tripping, punching, jabbing- anything to stop him from stealing my mother away. Not only was I physically abusive towards him, but I was also verbally abusive. I remember poking my head into his room and muttering under my breath, "I hate you," trying to make the words sound as sinister as possible (of course, how sinister could a seven year old little girl sound?).
I held deep unforgiveness toward my brother and cursed him practically every day of my young life; you can imagine the festering wound this created in my heart.
Working through this issue with my counselor at Mercy was the greatest breakthrough I experienced. I lifted my hurt and my pain to the Lord and asked Him to forgive me for being abusive toward my brother, and I also forgave my brother for the hurt he caused me, knowing that he didn't intend to hurt me at all. I forgave my mother for leaving me on my own as a child- this too was not intended, and I forgave her for the emotional pain this left.
Then, the Lord gave me a vision, a vision more beautiful than I could have ever imagined:
As soon as I was done praying, the Lord gave me a picture of my mom in the hospital. She was crying with her forhead resting against the glass of an incubator...and I was inside. I could see I was hooked up to a bunch of wires and monitors, and I could hear the sounds of the machines beeping along with my mother's sobs. The Lord spoke to me then and said, "Rachelle, she wants you." I was suddenly shown another picture of my Mom with tears streaming down her face, holding me tightly, rocking me back and forth while I was still hooked up to the machines; I could even see the iv in my head. The Lord spoke to my heart again, "You're mother is scared, Rachelle; she's afraid she'll loose you. She wants you to live; she values your life. Your mother loves you, SHE WANTS YOU!"
When the vision was over, I burst out in hysteric sobs. I told my counselor how I had been born 2 months early, and had a very slim chance of surviving. I couldn't imagine how terrified my mother could have been during this time, but the Lord let me know that she certainly didn't want to let me go.
This vision erased all the lies about being unloved, unwanted, and unimportant as a child. My mom does love me, she does value me, and she WANTS me!
I wanted to use that story to illustrate the power of forgiveness, and blessing. I had to make a deliberate choice to bless my brother and my mom, and the pain in my heart made it the more difficult choice; but choosing to bless instead of curse allows the Lord to work in wonderful, marvelous, and mighty ways.
"I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live
and may love the Lord your God, obey His voice, and cling to Him."
Deuteronomy 30:19-20 (Amplified Bible)
I've been praying and fasting for almost a week straight now (and when I say fasting, I don't necessarily mean food, but worldly influences and things that would draw me away from the Lord),and the Lord has already shown me some "whys" concerning the pain in my heart. He's shown me why unforgiveness creates such a freakin' deep hole in our souls!
Take a moment to think about unforgiveness...
now, think about what you think when harboring unforgiveness toward someone...
Let's say I can't forgive someone (well, I always can...but say I just don't want to), the thoughts that I have toward that person aren't positive. In fact, unforgiveness causes me to wish harm or misfortune upon those I chose not to forgive. I may think, "I hope they get what they deserve," or, "I hope ____ would happen to them." These are thoughts of revenge and payback for what these people did to me.
A few days ago, I was worshiping in my bathroom while putting on my makeup (Shout out to Bare Minerals! *Whoop Whoop!*), when the Lord spoke to my heart. He prompted me to start blessing people.
I thought, OK...where are you going with this Lord???
Instantly, the Lord put two people in my mind- two guys who had hurt me, and who I thought I had already forgiven. Then I started resisting; I didn't want to bless these people, they had HURT me!!!
That's when the realization smacked me in the head: I still hadn't forgiven them; I didn't want them to be blessed. In fact I wanted quite the opposite- but I'll get to that in a minute...
So I started blessing these guys. I spoke a blessing out loud, a blessing of life, prosperity, and abundance. I suddenly felt something in me change! I felt God doing a work in my soul as I spoke that blessing! That hole in my heart from being rejected by those boys was being "bound up" and healed! (Psalm 147:3)
The Lord then began to show me that holding unforgiveness had the opposite effect of speaking blessings. What's the opposite of a blessing???
A CURSE.
I thought, whoa God! Cursing? Really? That's so...out there, like in the witchcraft category.
But, again, when we don't want to forgive someone, deep down inside we hope that something awful would happen to them- something to get them back for the pain they caused us.
So this afternoon, I looked up the definition for the word "curse," and what I found just about floored me!
Ready?
Curse
noun /kərs/
curses, plural
1. A solemn utterance intended to invoke a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on someone or something
2. A cause of harm or misery
3. An offensive word or phrase used to express anger or annoyance
Whoa! Pretty intense stuff, right?
Take a good look at that first definition and think back to a time when you harbored unforgiveness against someone. Can you remember making any "solemn utterances?" Something like, "I can't believe they did that to me," or, "I never want to talk to her again after what she said."
I sure can recall my fair share of these solemn utterances. And they don't even have to be out loud! I remember something Joyce Meyer said in one of her teachings: "If it's going on in your mind, then it's going on!"
We may not realize it, but we curse people in our own heads. We wish harm upon them in our minds. I know I've told myself, "but I don't really wish that for them." But the truth is: Thoughts are real! If I wish it in my mind, then I really do wish it!
Let's take the supernatural part of that definition; it says our utterances intend to invoke a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on someone. Now, not everyone who holds unforgiveness believes in a supernatural power, because not everyone in the world is spiritual or religious. But, your average American does believe in fate, chance, or luck. So, an unbeliever would want fate to turn against that person who had hurt him. Anyone who holds unforgiveness wishes some higher power would punish those who did them wrong. That's the nature of a curse.
So here's were it gets a little interesting:
Since curses involve the supernatural, unforgiveness suddenly opens the door to the (you guessed it) supernatural! And, since there are only two powers in the supernatural realm- the Heavenly and the Demonic- guess what force is backing the curses we utter in our minds...the DEMONIC!
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
oh, wait, don't get too scared now =] Because greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world! (1 John 4:4) -That's my comfort scripture =]
Ok, so the curses in our minds open the door to the demonic and give demonic forces a right to affect our minds; and our minds are a part of our soul! Curses allow the devil to create wounds in our souls! This is why unforgiveness is sooooooo nasty! It attracts evil like a magnet.
But there's super awesome good news!!!! Guess what attracts heavenly power???
BLESSINGS!!!!! Yay!
Check it out: our blessings allow the Lord's power to come and heal up those wounds that our unforgiveness caused! We wish good upon those who have hurt us instead of wishing harm, and suddenly that good begins to permeate our hearts. Try to picture the angles in heaven when they suddenly hear us uttering blessings instead of curses; they would say, "Yes! She opened the door for us to minister to her! Now the Holy Spirit can come in, do His thing, and heal her broken heart!"
Not only that, but the power that is backing our blessings is MUCH greater than the power backing our curses. This means that the Holy Spirit is also driving away the demonic when we speak blessings! Those dumb demons will run off with their tails between their legs when we start blessing those who have hurt us.
So we've basically covered the first two deffinitions; but I want to make a point about the last one. A swear word is often called a curse. Why do we yell curse words? To express Anger!!! Grrrrr!!! "&%#$!" "$%&#!" "@%#$!"
Anger often accompanies unforgivess. I remember being soooooo angry about being ignored by those two guys. I remember thinking, "How could he ignore me after being so infatuated with me earlier? How dare he give all his attention to that other girl! I've worked way too hard on this body to go unnoticed!" My anger welled up more and more, and the curses started to flow in the dialogue of my mind: I hope he has a miserable life! I hope he crashes in that stupid car as he drives away without saying goodbye! That jerk!
Anger and unforgiveness go hand in hand.
I want to share a story with you about the unforgiveness I held against my brother as a child. I convinced myself that I hated my bother when I was young. Being autistic, he demanded most of my mother's attention, and I often felt alone, unwanted, and unimportant. I would lash out at him in physical violence, kicking, elbowing, tripping, punching, jabbing- anything to stop him from stealing my mother away. Not only was I physically abusive towards him, but I was also verbally abusive. I remember poking my head into his room and muttering under my breath, "I hate you," trying to make the words sound as sinister as possible (of course, how sinister could a seven year old little girl sound?).
I held deep unforgiveness toward my brother and cursed him practically every day of my young life; you can imagine the festering wound this created in my heart.
Working through this issue with my counselor at Mercy was the greatest breakthrough I experienced. I lifted my hurt and my pain to the Lord and asked Him to forgive me for being abusive toward my brother, and I also forgave my brother for the hurt he caused me, knowing that he didn't intend to hurt me at all. I forgave my mother for leaving me on my own as a child- this too was not intended, and I forgave her for the emotional pain this left.
Then, the Lord gave me a vision, a vision more beautiful than I could have ever imagined:
As soon as I was done praying, the Lord gave me a picture of my mom in the hospital. She was crying with her forhead resting against the glass of an incubator...and I was inside. I could see I was hooked up to a bunch of wires and monitors, and I could hear the sounds of the machines beeping along with my mother's sobs. The Lord spoke to me then and said, "Rachelle, she wants you." I was suddenly shown another picture of my Mom with tears streaming down her face, holding me tightly, rocking me back and forth while I was still hooked up to the machines; I could even see the iv in my head. The Lord spoke to my heart again, "You're mother is scared, Rachelle; she's afraid she'll loose you. She wants you to live; she values your life. Your mother loves you, SHE WANTS YOU!"
When the vision was over, I burst out in hysteric sobs. I told my counselor how I had been born 2 months early, and had a very slim chance of surviving. I couldn't imagine how terrified my mother could have been during this time, but the Lord let me know that she certainly didn't want to let me go.
This vision erased all the lies about being unloved, unwanted, and unimportant as a child. My mom does love me, she does value me, and she WANTS me!
I wanted to use that story to illustrate the power of forgiveness, and blessing. I had to make a deliberate choice to bless my brother and my mom, and the pain in my heart made it the more difficult choice; but choosing to bless instead of curse allows the Lord to work in wonderful, marvelous, and mighty ways.
"I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live
and may love the Lord your God, obey His voice, and cling to Him."
Deuteronomy 30:19-20 (Amplified Bible)
Thursday, May 5, 2011
My Achy Breaky Heart
Hey everyone!
It's been a while, huh? And a lot has happened since my last post, but honestly, I'm pretty sure it's all been in my head. Circumstances haven't changed much, but my mindset certainly has.
Luckily, Mercy has trained me to take thoughts captive and turn them around; but I've been a little careless lately, letting old thoughts roll around in my noggin like marbles in one of those collector's tins. (my little bro has one of those on his shelf) =]
What's worse is that I've let these thoughts manifest into words, and eventually, into behaviors.
OK, here's a little peek inside my un-renewed mind.
Ewwwww, my cellulite is back; what has Mercy done to me? Look at me, I'm huge?
or
I wish I had never gone to Mercy in the first place; at least I had the perfect model-sized body; I could have had so many opportunities, but now I'm fat and I can't do anything and will never amount to anything. I'll never be able to have a relationship with these thighs- what a turn-off!
or
Yummmm, that junk food looks sooooo good. I've had a hard day at work; I deserve it more than anyone in this house; I deserve to have it all! I don't care, I'm already fat.
*Food disappears*
Oh crap. Now I'm never going to lose weight; I am such a failure...
*Rachelle spends day sulking*
Yeah, so binging has crept it's way back in through my reckless thought life. I spent 3 solid days binging on whatever I could grab and hide in my room.
And I hated every minute of those 72 hours. I hated how all I cared about was food, and hoping that the pain I was feeling in my heart would finally subside. Food is a temporary remedy for inward pain. A few bites of chocolate, bread, cheese, sugar- what ever kind of food your soul desires- and suddenly the pain is gone. A few more bites, and suddenly the FOOD is gone...and the pain returns with guilt as its new companion.
This is how binging works- we know it, I know it, I've written many times about it in previous posts; yet this behavior still comes back to haunt me.
WHY?!!!
Here's why:
I'm still hurting.
From what?
I really don't know. But my heart still feels like it's aching.
There's a wound deep inside, and I'm subconsciously trying to bind it up with food and achieving a perfect appearance (notice the two don't go together well).
Honestly, I couldn't lose weight even if I tried because, 1- my body is MESSED UP from past behaviors, and 2- my heart hurts too bad.
Can I really give up binge food and give the real Healer a chance?
Duh! It says in His Word that Jesus can bind up all wounds (Psalm 147:3).
I'm tossing out the fatty, carb-laden, sugar-drenched food, and giving Jesus another shot!
Hey, I have nothing left to lose...
except maybe some water-weight.
=]
It's been a while, huh? And a lot has happened since my last post, but honestly, I'm pretty sure it's all been in my head. Circumstances haven't changed much, but my mindset certainly has.
Luckily, Mercy has trained me to take thoughts captive and turn them around; but I've been a little careless lately, letting old thoughts roll around in my noggin like marbles in one of those collector's tins. (my little bro has one of those on his shelf) =]
What's worse is that I've let these thoughts manifest into words, and eventually, into behaviors.
OK, here's a little peek inside my un-renewed mind.
Ewwwww, my cellulite is back; what has Mercy done to me? Look at me, I'm huge?
or
I wish I had never gone to Mercy in the first place; at least I had the perfect model-sized body; I could have had so many opportunities, but now I'm fat and I can't do anything and will never amount to anything. I'll never be able to have a relationship with these thighs- what a turn-off!
or
Yummmm, that junk food looks sooooo good. I've had a hard day at work; I deserve it more than anyone in this house; I deserve to have it all! I don't care, I'm already fat.
*Food disappears*
Oh crap. Now I'm never going to lose weight; I am such a failure...
*Rachelle spends day sulking*
Yeah, so binging has crept it's way back in through my reckless thought life. I spent 3 solid days binging on whatever I could grab and hide in my room.
And I hated every minute of those 72 hours. I hated how all I cared about was food, and hoping that the pain I was feeling in my heart would finally subside. Food is a temporary remedy for inward pain. A few bites of chocolate, bread, cheese, sugar- what ever kind of food your soul desires- and suddenly the pain is gone. A few more bites, and suddenly the FOOD is gone...and the pain returns with guilt as its new companion.
This is how binging works- we know it, I know it, I've written many times about it in previous posts; yet this behavior still comes back to haunt me.
WHY?!!!
Here's why:
I'm still hurting.
From what?
I really don't know. But my heart still feels like it's aching.
There's a wound deep inside, and I'm subconsciously trying to bind it up with food and achieving a perfect appearance (notice the two don't go together well).
Honestly, I couldn't lose weight even if I tried because, 1- my body is MESSED UP from past behaviors, and 2- my heart hurts too bad.
Can I really give up binge food and give the real Healer a chance?
Duh! It says in His Word that Jesus can bind up all wounds (Psalm 147:3).
I'm tossing out the fatty, carb-laden, sugar-drenched food, and giving Jesus another shot!
Hey, I have nothing left to lose...
except maybe some water-weight.
=]
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