A New Chapter

Hello beautiful readers.
It has been about a year and a half since I last wrote on this blog, and my life has drastically changed since my last post. There have been countless hardships and struggles, but I am able to say that I am alive, and God still has much more planned for me.

I can now say that my future looks bright, but I would not have said that a year ago. I was weighed down by depression, pain, guilt, and shame, and I did not want to reach out for help. During this time I had been in a toxic, controlling, and manipulative relationship, and I felt completely trapped. I was much too afraid to let the man who said he loved me go...and even more afraid of the abuse that might come if I ever tried to break things off.

Friends and family began to notice that this man was not treating me with respect, and strongly urged me to end things with him. I became angry with them, and stopped communicating with them, thinking they were just trying to sabotage my love life. I decided to ignore all the red flags, until I couldn't distinguish them any longer. Soon I could not tell love from abuse, and my life became very dark, very fast.
I didn't know who to turn to in order to deal with the pain, so I turned to alcohol and the party scene. When the numbness of the alcohol didn't seem to help, I turned to my old friend: FOOD. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold a steady job with the way I had been drinking (I had been coming to work hungover almost every shift), but a food addiction could go practically undetected.
Food, once again, became my drug.
I quit the parties and the drinking, and relied solely on food to get me through the day. I gained a drastic amount of weight, and soon my depression worsened.... and I coped with even more food.
I couldn't dare show my face at my old church. My life was spun around lies and secrets to keep people from knowing that I was living an immoral lifestyle.

I was convinced that God was disappointed in me, so I quit talking to Him as well.
I began having horrifying night terrors, and even seeing and hearing demonic apparitions. Hell began to seem a lot more real, and I felt like I could be dragged down at any moment.

One day, in August 2012, I finally cried out to The Lord, "I need to know you care about me!" Moments later, I heard a knock at the door. I opened it, and there stood a friendly looking lady. With a giant grin on her face, she handed me a Bible track with the caption "Why do bad things happen."
The lady said, "I just wanted to let you know that God loves you, and He cares about you,"
With tears streaming down my face, I quickly flipped through the pamphlet, when one verse jumped out at me. It was the very same verse that I had clung to during my battle with Anorexia:
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future,"

I started crying hysterically, and the woman gave me a huge hug, then just held me in her embrace. This was an embrace from Papa God.


After this day, shame began to melt off of me, and I finally reached out to my Mom, who was living with the rest of my family in Redding, CA.
I told her how I had gotten an acceptance letter from Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry months before, and I wanted to move in with her and the rest of the fam, and enroll in the school. She was surprised, but thrilled!
The terrifying part was breaking the news to my boyfriend at the time, but there was grace on that as well. Though he had shown a ton of disappointment, I did not have to endure one of his rageaholic meltdowns.

In September 2012, I moved from Santa Cruz to Redding- it was definitely a change in scenery...and shopping :(
Now that I was five hours away from my boyfriend, I finally felt safe enough to break things off. Once I did, a huge sense of peace came over me, and nervousness and tension left my body.

Once BSSM started up, God immediately started encountering me and revealing His love for me.
I received so much healing, and I had so many people sowing into me, and helping me with my journey.
But it seemed that as soon as I had a breakthrough, the enemy came at me harder. There were so many times I felt like giving up, and I felt like I wasn't cut out for being a student of supernatural ministry; but God proved me wrong every time! I had no idea that I could pray for people and they would get healed, or that I could receive a word of knowledge from the Holy Spirit about someone who needed to experience the Father's love.
Every time I said," I'm no good at this," God would seriously set me up to encounter a miracle, as if to say, "it's not you, its ME THROUGH YOU!"

Though my experiences in Bethel's first year program were amazing, and even life changing, my heart was still hurting. I was still struggling with a great amount of insecurity. Some days, the insecurity would be crippling, and I would often skip class.
I began to isolate myself, instead of reaching out for help, and I soon got caught up in an unhealthy phone relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I told myself and others that we were just back to being friends, but it turned romantic very quickly, and things just went downhill from there.
Shame began to take hold of my life once again, and the secrets I was holding inside started eating away at me. I did not want to connect with Papa God anymore because of the shame, and I started to disconnect with others as well, including my Revival Group Pastor, Carl.
I tried to cut things off with my ex several times, but with no support and accountability, I fell right back into the same cycle- getting all of my love, acceptance, and affirmation from my exboyfriend instead of Papa God.
Jealousy also plagued my heart when I learned that my ex was living with his current girlfriend.
Why is he telling me that he loves me, that he wishes that things could work out between us...when he's living with someone else?
The question I was too afraid to voice was: Why do I want to believe him?
My heart was crying out for love, yet I was too scared to let anyone else but my ex love me. I did not feel worthy of real, authentic love.

Two months before BSSM graduation, I had had several moral slip-ups regarding my ex and I, and I was sure I would be kicked out of ministry school. But instead of condemnation, I was shown grace, and love. My revival group pastor even said, "this doesn't change the way I see you, and I am not disappointed in you." And the ladies in my small group gathered around me in support as I shared with them and apologized for hiding so many things from them.
I couldn't believe the love and support I was shown! This totally modeled Bethel's "Culture of Honor."
I had a tremendous support team who helped me work through the pain I was feeling, and I am so thankful for everyone who helped me, prayed with me, cried with me, and loved on me!
I was able to go through counseling and finally break soul ties with my ex, and cut off communication with him as well.
Its still a step by step process, and I am still in the midst of counseling sessions and inner healing.
On May 10th, 2013, I was able to graduate from 1st year at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, and it was a huge milestone in my life.
God blessed me with so many friends, and so many amazing people who have spoken into my life.

I am still on a journey, but Papa God is by my side every step of the way. This has been the craziest start to a new chapter of my life, and I cant wait to see what He has written on the next page.

~Thank you all for reading. I'll be posting again soon.
Love, Rachelle

My Right Hand is Healed

Hi wonderful readers!
I'm starting this little blog of mine back up! yay!
It's been about a year and a half since my last post, and it has been far, far too long!

I have had many prophetic words saying that I should start writing over the past year, but so much has been holding me back. I was honestly waiting to have my life all together before I started writing again, but that didn't stop me from starting this blog in the first place, back in 2010.
When I started this blog, I was severely Anorexic and Bulimic, but I also discovered that I had a new found courage that allowed me to open up, be raw, real, and vulnerable through writing.
I'm ready to be just that once again: Raw, Real, and Vulnerable.

God rarely speaks to me through dreams, but when he does they are incredibly vivid.
Last night I had a dream that revealed what is going on in my heart and how it is affecting my relationship with food.
I had been doing so well with my eating for the past few months, but lately I would have strong urges to binge eat, and most of the time, I would give in, and the binges would last for days, following with laxative teas and herbal detoxes to try to flush all the crap out of my system.
Through Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, I had been making so much progress in loving myself and being kind to my body. I had attended workshops and classes, and found a healthy lifestyle that I found sustainable and that I enjoyed.
But after BSSM graduation, these insane binges began to start. I would force terrible foods down my throat; food that made me gag in disgust; foods full of preservatives, toxins, and refined sugar. I would look at the food I was about to inhale and ask, "why am I doing this?."
Well, this dream gave me some insight.

I'm walking in a mall, about to buy some shoes and a handbag, when I see a group of three Bethel ministry students praying in a circle. I dont want them to see me because I am sad and depressed. As I walk past them, I can tell they are on a "treasure hunt." I hear them whisper, "I think its her." I turn around and they are standing next to me. "God want's to heal your right hand," they said. I look down and my right hand is super swollen and red. I say,"ok" kind of sceptical. But they reply,"You haven't been using it lately, but God is healing it right now so you can use it again."
I look down and my hand is completely normal, and I can move all of my fingers with ease. I don't seem that excited, in fact I still seem gloomy.
I tell them, "actually, I need you to pray with me. I have been really down and depressed lately. You see I made some awful mistakes, and I didn't get into the second year at BSSM, and I am so angry with myself."
The ministry students pray with me, and the dream ends.

I woke up from this dream and didnt think much of it, but earlier this evening God began to reveal the meaning to me.

I really did make several mistakes this past year during BSSM first year, but I did not think I was still harboring anger towards myself. But it would totally explain the binge eating, because it is a form of self punishment!
I had no idea why I was binging, but the truth was I was punishing myself for something that God has already forgiven me of!
But here's the thing, I still need to forgive myself. I have been so angry with myself because I have felt like I f*cked up my future.
It's still something I need to work through, but I'll get there, I know I will!

As for the other part of my dream, my right hand being healed signifies my freedom to write again, and shame being broken from this aspect of my life! I love, love, love to write, but I had been living with so much guilt and shame, that I held back and put writing behind me, telling myself it was a thing of that past.
Not any more!

I've also had some prophetic words about a new measure of creativity being released in my life. I paint with my right hand as well as sketch with my right hand, so I'll be expressing myself through art as well. In the past, I had so much perfectionism attached to my artwork, but Papa God is breaking that off! There is so much freedom in art and creativity!

Well beautiful readers, I shall be posting another entry this evening as well.
It will be a bit lengthy, but a lot has happened since my last post back in 2011!
I love you all!
~Rachelle