I'm up for the Test

Hey everyone!
Gosh, I can't believe it's been almost 4 months since I left for Mercy!
Well, I'm on pass for this Thanksgiving weekend, so I'm finally able to blog again. At Mercy all the girls are isolated in order to focus on complete recovery and healing.
I started an audio/video journal at Mercy. I've found that it's much easier for me to talk out my feeling, than to write it all out. I'll try my best to post them this weekend, but remember, I'm only here for a few days and I have much to do...and very little time.
I will be home for a much longer break on Dec. 14th! I'll be staying through Jan. 5th!
I plan on posting a bunch of stories (don't worry, no names will be mentioned...it's a confidentiality thing) of my challenges and victories at Mercy.
Until then, I can only say, "I'm not where I should be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" -Joyce Meyer

I love you all!
I couldn't make it through this program if it wasn't for all your prayers!
Thanks so much =]
xoxoxo
~Rachelle Joy

Time to start packing my bags!!!

Well, I got some unexpected news today! I knew I was going to receive a call from the Mercy Ministries Intake department- we were only going over what I would expect during my stay at one of the homes...if an opening were available in the near future.
I chatted with one of the staff members for about thirty minutes, going over any questions and concerns. As the conversation began to wind down, she paused for a moment. "Well, Rachelle, before I let you go, I wanted to speak with you about one last thing," she said in her friendly, southern voice. "It turns out, we have an opening for you at one of our Mercy Homes! You'll be staying at our Lincoln, California Home, near Sacramento! You have a little over a month to prepare; your scheduled arrival date is July 27th!"

Wow!!! I'm totally stoked with the Lord's timing on this one!!!
I have a lot of planning and preparing (and blood tests,ugh) to do, but I am suuuuupppeeerrrrrr excited that the day is finally in sight!!!!

I'll keep you all posted on the details (what I get to bring, phone calls, letters, ect.) I just printed out my resident guide, and I'm having soooo much fun reading through it!!!
Mercy Ministry's program lasts 6 months...I know...I'll miss you too. =]
Again, I'll be posting more details about visits and that kind of stuff later.

For now, I'm in celebration mode! I'm sure there will be many tears due to homesickness and insecurity, but I know the healing the Lord brings will be worth every moment of fear.

I Have a Hope

Hey guys! Wow, it's been a while since I've given out an update, and I apologize.
Good news! I am officially finished with high school!!!
I've been super busy with graduation ceremonies, and parties, but I think things are beginning to wind down.
While the numerous social events have taken a toll on my emotional stability, I am happy to say that I did better than I thought I would...much better in fact. This, of course, is a product of endless prayer, and help from the Lord.
Goodness! Just thinking back on all of the decadent desserts that accompanied every party, I'm shocked that no disasters occurred! I'm serious, these parties were loaded with all kinds of goodies that would have fit conveniently in my purse; yet I had my guardian angles all around me, shielding me from misfortune.

Before my graduation ceremony, I had one little freak-out. I had a song prepared to go along with a short, little speech. (Well, at least I thought I was prepared)
I was sure I had the lyrics down, but after running through the song with my accompanist, Lori, I couldn't remember the words for the life of me.
Not only that, I also forgot what I was going to share before I sang my song.
I scribbled the lyrics down and just stared at them.
I cant do this, I thought. There is no way I'm getting up on that stage.
Once the ceremony began, I sat in the audience with no intention of going up on stage. As I looked around, I saw all my family members and friends who were there to support me. I can't let them down, I thought.
I leaned over to my mom. "Mom, I have to sit in the car for a few minutes. I'll be back, I promise." My mom was hesitant at first, but she handed me the keys, and I quickly made my way towards my dad's jeep. I knew I had about 10 minutes before the highschool grads were called to walk down the isle.
I sat in the front seat of the jeep and prayed, did a few vocal warm ups, and prayed again. "God, walk with me down that isle; give me strength and courage; help me sing like I've never sang before; let me minister to others like others have ministered to me."
A peace came over me as I walked in to the lobby where the graduates were lined up, garbed in their graduation attire. I zipped up my gown and placed my cap on my head; we all had that look of excitement in our eyes- not nerves, just pure excitement. In just a few moments, we were all going to graduate!!!
Each of the graduates had a unique way of accepting their diploma. Some gave a touching speech, some made videos, and others played instruments. This had to be the most special graduation in the world!
The Lord gave me confidence as I shared about the cross I received for my 18th birthday. In bold letters, it says "Journey," and in smaller script are Jeremiah 29:11 and Psalm 32:8
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you".
These verses tied in with my song. It's called "I Have a Hope," and it's a my declaration!
Here are the verses:
I have a hope, I have a future
I have a destiny that is yet awaiting me
My life’s not over, a new beginning’s just begun
I have a hope, I have this hope

God has a plan, it’s not to harm me
But it’s to prosper me and to hear me when I call
He intercedes for me, working all things for my good
Though trials may come I have this hope

Chorus
I will yet praise Him, my great Redeemer
I will yet stand up and give Him glory with my life
He takes my darkness and He turns it into light
I will yet praise Him, my Lord my God

My God is for me, He’s not against me
So tell me whom then, tell me whom then shall I fear
He has prepared for me
Great works He’ll help me to complete
I have a hope, I have this hope

Goodness and mercy, they’re gonna follow me
And I’ll forever dwell in the house of my great King
No eye has ever seen all He’s preparing there for me
Though trials may come, I have this hope

Bridge
There’s still hope for me today
‘Cause the God heaven loves me

I am so happy I was able to sing that song! When I practiced the song earlier, I felt like I was straining my voice. But during the ceremony, the notes were able to flow, and I could sing those words with meaning without having to worry about my voice cracking. That was totally a God thing!
People later came up to me saying "I've never heard you sing like that!" That's because I really have never been able to sing like that before- I felt the anointing of the Holy Spirit as I sang, and I felt the His presence throughout the rest of the night.

I am so thankful that the Lord gave me the strength to walk in victory these last few weeks. I got a call from Mercy Ministries this morning, and the application process is moving along smoothly. The Committee approved my application, and I am now on the waiting list to stay at one of the homes. My family and I are praying that the wait won't be too long or too difficult for me. There is hope for me yet.

More Mercy

Hey everyone! So nothing too disastrous has happened this past week. I've gone an entire week without a full-blown binge. I have managed to sneak a little bit of food and purge it, but overall, I've kept my head this week.
I'm a little nervous about the weeks ahead. I've been invited to several graduation parties, and I have my own grad-party to worry about as well (luckily mine is just a small Japanese dinner). *Sigh* I wish I didn't have to dread happy celebrations.
I'll have to make a success plan with Mary and have my mom and other family members keep me accountable. Yes, I may feel uncomfortable for a while; but I must remember: feelings pass! Letting my emotions control my actions is what leads me to binge and purge. When I have my accountability partners speaking truth into my life, I am able to think logically and separate the facts from the feelings.

Alright, so this week I've haven't been too friendly towards God. I was SUPER pissed actually. I was riding in the car with my dad and my little brothers on Saturday. We were on way to the track for a morning run. Unlike my disposition, the weather was bright and sunny. As I was in the seat next to him, my Dad says, "this is the day the Lord has made, so let us rejoice and be glad in it!"
Yeah, easy for you to say, I thought. You don't have an eating disorder.
In fact, I have three reasons not to rejoice: Anorexia, Bulimia, and binge eating!
I then started screaming at God in my mind:
God! Why couldn't I just stay anorexic? At least I was skinny! Now I'm a crazy binge eating-bulimic-anorexic freak!!! Why did you let this happen? Why didn't you stop this?
When we arrived at the track, my attitude hadn't improved. While my dad and my brothers stretched, I stared at the track and pictured myself running lap after lap, until all traces of fat and flab disappeared. I pictured myself running until there was nothing but a skeleton, just skin and bones with a shuddering heart.
Then the Lord spoke to me.
"Rachelle, I allowed the binge-eating and the bulimia to save you from your anorexia, to save you from yourself!"
I remembered six months ago, when the doctors told me I slowly deteriorating...and I couldn't care less; I wanted to be thin more than anything. I wanted to see how far I could go; I wanted to be as thin as humanly possible.
I would have kept running and restricting until the day I finally felt thin enough- a day that would never come.
I admit, I have never been able to accept the fact that I need to gain weight. Though I'm heavier than I was six months ago, this weight was the product of out of control binge-eating, and it saved me from permanently damaging my body.
So, am I happy I'm bulimic? No! But I am happy to be alive and past my anorexia. With my body shutting down, I was in a dangerous place, literally dying to be thin. The Lord wanted me out of this danger zone as soon as possible, and binge eating was the fastest way out. He showed me mercy by allowing certain circumstances.
I always viewed a binge session as a time of darkness, where God was completely absent. Now I realize that every time I downed a gallon of ice cream, or shoved peanut butter sandwiches down my throat, He was there. At 3:00am, when I would hide in the garage with a carton of milk and a cupboard full of cereal, feeling cold and alone, He was there. He was beside me during every binge. With His wonderful plans for my future, he wasn't going to let me starve myself to death.

The Lord certainly has an interesting way of orchestrating things.
Romans 8:28 says:
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Wow! He causes all things to work together for good!!! All things!!! Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating- the Lord can bring good out of these diseases!
We serve a merciful God!

On thin ice

From now on, I'll be posting the majority of this blog from my phone, so please excuse the atrocious spelling. :)
I've been extra emotional these past few weeks. I feel as though I am simply skating through life, never knowing when I might suddenly fall through the ice. The ice is especially brittle when I attend a party or event. The last thing I want is for this eating disorder to keep me from celebrating with my friends; but at the same time, I can't help feeling like an outcast when I'm amongst a large crowd.
Let's start with the weekend before last (Mother's day weekend).
With three parties in one weekend, a meltdown was bound to occur. Friday's party went smoothly with the help of one of my accountability partners. Julie and I planned what I should snack on, and when I should stop. I must admit, I was terrified when I saw the box of doughnut holes, packages of Oreo cookies, and the giant platter of cinnamon rolls. Filling my pockets and purse with all the yummy goodies was hard to resist. Julie provided healthy snacks as well, ones that wouldn't tempt me to purge. So I filled my plate with grapes and "Smart Pop" popcorn, and limited myself to one cinnamon roll (a treat I hadn't had since Christmas time). With my food worries gone, I was able to enjoy spending time with my friends.
My good behavior at the party went down the toilet (literally) when I spent that night at my grandma's house. She had taken the time to remove all the sweets from her cupboards, but that didn't halt my desire to binge and purge. Around 3:00 am, I quietly cracked open the fridge and reached for the giant block of cheese. After emptying my stomach of about a pound of cheddar, I crawled back in bed, feeling miserable and sick. I continued to sneak more cheese and half a loaf of bread from the fridge throughout the next morning.
When the time came for the next party, my stomach was stuffed full; but I continued to eat despite the pain. Though I had eaten a sensible amount of food during the meal time, I longed to go back for seconds- heck, I wanted every last piece of bread on the buffet counter. I begged my mom to take me to get more food. "Ok, we can get more salad," she said.
As I walked into the kitchen, I pictured myself lifting one of the giant bowls of pasta salad and emptying all of its contents into my mouth. I saw myself moving from bowl to bowl, emotionally ravenous, but physically stuffed. This imaginary Rachelle dunked her head in the pot of beans and slurped up the remains; she gnawed on chicken, sucking the marrow from the bones; she licked the plates clean until very morsel and every crumb was consumed. This was what I would become if I continued to entertain those voices, those thoughts and desires, those lies of bulimia.
The desire to be alone with all that food was completely overwhelming. This desire burned in my chest and brought a flood of tears to my eyes.
"I have to get out of here," I whispered.
Luckily, my dad had a business appointment to go to, and he was happy to have me tag along. We had a thirty minute drive, which gave me plenty of time to calm down. I rarely talked with my dad when I was younger, and I am still hesitant to initiate a conversation; but our relationship has healed soooo much since I've been dealing with this disease. There is still so much I don't know about my dad, things I've never bothered to ask him about. During our drive, I asked him about how he became passionate about running. His story blew me away. I felt like he was telling me about a fictional character, one who had been on an epic journey. But Ken Hunter was no fantasy, he was my dad! My Dad had traveled all around the world, and I had never shown any interest.
Now that I've been talking with my dad, I see him in an entirely different light. For years, I had a distorted view of his character and what he thought of me. Now I see that the Lord has blessed me with a compassionate and caring father who loves me despite all my struggles and imperfections.
Mother's Day was a victory day. Focusing on blessing my mom and my grandma took the focus off myself for once, and thoughts of hoarding food hardly crossed my mind. I tried my best not to cause my mom any grief, and I'm pretty sure I succeeded.

As far as my food plan goes, I had been restricting my calories to counteract my binges. This of course starts the cycle of deprivation and hunger that leads to wanting to binge and overeat. I weighed in at Mary's, and saw that I had dropped a few pounds (I was actually surprised...after a whole block of cheese and a loaf of bread the previous weekend).
Mary stressed the importance of eating enough calories, though going over 18 weight watchers points sends me into a purging panic.
I recently bought a new food journal, and have been faithfully tracking my calories/points. I admit, it is super hard for me to eat 18 points without any guilt. But Mary and I agreed that I would stay above 18 points every day this week. My weigh-in is in two days, and honestly, I don't know what to expect.
I have overcome quite a few "insecurity hurdles" this week. My weight isn't my only obsession; I'm concerned about my entire appearance. So when I chopped my hair to pieces, my the whole world caved in around me. All I was going to do was give my bangs a little trim; this led to hours of snipping until I finally gave up. Sunday morning, I crumpled to the ground in defeat.
"My life is over," I wailed.
But I HAD to go to church, and I HAD to get packed up to stay with Rhonda. I pushed my emotions aside, and I did what I had to do. Singing on stage in choir was difficult, but I couldn't let my hair hold me back from worshiping the Lord. After singing songs of praise, my worries vanished.
I had another meltdown after lunch at Rhonda's house. My mom was getting ready to leave and I wanted to wimp out and go with her, though I had planned to stay a few days with Rhonda. My hair made me feel absolutely hideous, and I wanted to go home and hide. But I also knew that once I got home, all I would be able to do is lie in bed and wallow in my self-pity. Rhonda saw me huddled on the ground with a mixture of tears and mascara running down my face.
Rhonda has a "no-nonsense" way of adressing a situation, and for that I am very grateful. She knelt down beside be and said, "Rachelle, don't let your hair determine what you do!"
I decided to stay with Rhonda and Charlie after all. We went to see my cousins perform later that night. Though my hair was still a concern, I didn't want it to keep me from having a fun night out.
Well, I'm still enjoying my stay at Rhonda and Charlie's house. Again, I am so grateful for my aunt and uncle's hospitality.
I'll be returning home sometime tomorrow. I'll probably write post some more then.
I hope you enjoy reading about my journey.
I sure enjoy reflecting on the places the Lord takes me each week.

Lock and Key

As of now, the refrigerator doors are tightly secured. This was actually my idea. My mom and I went to Ace today and bought a lock and some heavy duty cord. Needless to say, the fridge is bulimic-proof.
Up until Sunday, I had gone six days without a binge or purge. Even with the elaborate buffet at the prom, I still managed to keep it together.
Oh yeah! I got to go to prom. It was an unexpected surprise, and I'm sooooo happy I didn't let my insecurities hold me back.
Prom also motivated me to stick to my structured eating, and work on building up my muscle tone. With a fun night like prom in sight, I had little difficulty meeting my goals.


Sunday was when things started heading downhill again. My cravings were the most intense they've been in a while. I normally crave sweet things, like chocolate or cookies...but this time, I NEEDED cheese. Nothing would satisfy me as I shoveled mountains of grated cheddar and pepper jack into my mouth.
Once the cheese was gone, the binging failed to cease. I moved on to bread- yummy, grainy, delicious bread. I consumed over half a loaf, purged, and went back for more. During my insane feast, my dad was napping upstairs and my mom was out for the day. I felt like this was my only chance to eat whatever I wanted. I thought I would be able to stop, but it never works that way.
My mom came home later that afternoon with a bag full of leftovers from tacos at my aunt's house; guess what was inside: MORE CHEESE!
And the binging continued...
This morning, I made about 20 trips to the fridge. I ran out of the kitchen with whatever I could grab and munched away in my room. Despite the millions of chores I've been neglecting, food was my number one focus- my only focus.
What if I could magically stop binging? I thought.
Screw magic! I need God's help!
I said a desperate prayer and asked the Lord to take away my capability to binge. Just then, a thought popped into my head, something I never would have thought of on my own.
The only thing between me and a whole block of cheese is the refrigerator door. If I can't get through the door, I can't get to the cheese- problem solved!!!

Now that the food is locked away, I have a lot more confidence and a lot more hope. There's a tub of icecream in the freezer, and a giant bowl of guacamole in the fridge...and I don't have to worry. I can be left home without any anxiety.
My ability to binge at home is gone! Thank the Lord!

A Safe Haven

Well, it's been a while since my last post. Much has happened in the last few weeks. I've had several binges and breakdowns, and made quite a few suicide threats. My depression put me in a hole deeper and darker than ever before, despite the medication.

Last Sunday, my hopelessness was overwhelming. I had binged and purged every day that week, and I didn't see how I could ever bring it to an end. After having our weekly family taco time at my Aunt Rhonda's house, she asked me if I wanted to talk for a bit. Rhonda could see the despair in my eyes as I told her about my discouraging week. "I know that as soon as I go home, I'm going straight to the kitchen cupboard," I sobbed, "that's all I want to do, and all I can think about: eat, eat, eat.I eat until I'm sick...I throw up...then I eat even more!"
That morning in church, I couldn't worship the Lord; all I could see in my mind was a big bowl of cookie dough. I wanted to taste it, to feel the texture of the butter and the sugar as it melted in my mouth. Just think, I could be home eating cookie dough right now, I thought to myself.
Of course, this food fantasy thing is completely ridiculous, but at the time, these thoughts were all my mind could dwell on; this frustrated me.
After a long discussion on my current state, Rhonda suggested that I live a couple days with her and my Uncle Charlie. I was hesitant at first, but I knew this is what I needed to do in this desperate time. "What you need is a safe environment," Rhonda said, "a place where you can take refuge and gain a few days of victory."
So, I packed my suitcase and cosmetic bag, and stayed Monday through Wednesday at the Abellara house.
I am sooooo grateful for my aunt and uncle's kindness! Charlie installed a lock on their kitchen pantry, and Rhonda threw out all her ice cream. Rhonda also set up a baby monitor in the guest bedroom to prevent any nighttime binging.
Even when my one-year-old cousin Everett spent the night, the baby monitor remained in my room. Needless to say, my 3:00am binge/purge sessions were put to a halt.
As far as the daytime went, my instructions were to stick to Rhonda like glue. I had no problem with this; if I was going to stick to anyone, I'd want it to be Rhonda. Her compassion absolutely astounds me!
My stay with Rhonda drew me out of my pitiful isolation, and back into reality. I was finally able to function, and eat like a normal human being! It felt fantastic!!! Rhonda and I worked out with some amazing friends (Brookie and Julie), ate healthy and satisfying meals, and had deep and encouraging discussions.
Those three days helped me get back into the swing of things, and helped me realize that I don't have to let bulimia turn me into a miserable wreck.

before I returned home, Rhonda and I made sure my house would be a safe place- a place where I could be confident, and the temptation wouldn't be so overbearing.
My parents were more than happy to put a lock on the pantry and throw out the ice cream. I was so relieved to come home and not have the ability to binge...there was no way I could binge, so there was no reason to purge!
I didn't have to purge!!! This was fantastic news!

Of course...the binge food found a way of reappearing. After going an entire week without binging (that's seven days of victory in a row!!!), I returned to my self-destructive habits.
Yes, binging makes me miserable; yes, binging makes me gain weight; yes, binging is a waste of food, a waste of time, and a waste of emotional energy.
So why do I continue with my bulimic behaviors?
Simple: those behaviors are familiar. I am scared to death of the unknown, but I know that food will give me the temporary high that I crave. But with the high...comes the crash.
Sundays have been a struggle for years. My extended family always gets together after church for tacos; it's been a tradition since before I was born. You can imagine, with lots of people, there's lots of food. When I was 15 and 16, I had no idea what binging was (much less a sign of an eating disorder). Sundays were my overeating days. I would wait until everyone was out of the kitchen, then I would cram what was left of the taco ingredients in my mouth. Chips, guacamole, cheese, re fried beans- this would be my secret feast, a time when I could eat all I wanted and not be judged. These feasts became a weekly ritual. Sometimes I would make myself sick, but still continue eating. "This is my moment of freedom," I would think.
Little did I know that these habits would soon wind me up in chains.
Now, every Sunday taco time is a mental battle. Will I allow food to chain me to the kitchen, to keep me from spending time with my family and the people I love? This is what Bulimia has done to me; it literally has taken full control.

Well, this last Sunday (April 18th), my house that had been free of binge food for seven days became a death trap. My grandma (who I could never be bitter toward) brought ingredients for tacos and desert for afterwards. Keep in mind that I had been doing well for a whole week, and had no intention to binge...until I saw the desert- ice cream and cookies. I could feel the chains wrapping around my ankles. I wanted to flee, to get far away from this torment. Not only was there desert on the counter, but all the leftovers from the tacos as well...and I was all alone. This was the perfect trap, but I somehow resisted. My mom and my grandma were finished with their lunch and planned to go to the garage-sale down the street. "I'll come too," I practically screamed. There was no way I could be left alone with all this delicious and enticing food.
I almost escaped from this dreadful snare. I got about halfway down the road, when the chains prevented me from moving forward; I was being dragged back to the kitchen, back into the trap.
"Ummm, I have to pee," I lied. The chains became shorter and shorter until I was completely shackled to the kitchen counter. All reason and logic left my mind, and I became Rachelle the binge zombie. I shoveled as much food as I possibly could into my mouth. I was a slave again, and Bulimia was my master.
Like the Israelites wandering in the dessert, I thought I would be happier if I returned to Egypt.
Like the Israelites...I couldn't be more wrong.

The cycle started again: binge, purge, cry, moan, binge again, purge again; not once would I feel satisfied, not once would I feel happy.
Maybe Egypt wasn't such a good idea after all.

Once all the yummy binge food was gone, I was still feeling empty (well, physically my stomach was filled to the max). After literally tossing my cookies, I had to resort to the bagels in the freezer. I cradled a toasted bagel and cream cheese in my hands. "Will I be any happier after I eat this?" I thought. "There's only one way to find out." I scarfed down the bagel in about two seconds. "Hmmmm, I'm still not happy...I must need more bagels!" Five more bagels and a tub of cream cheese later, I was just as miserable (if not more)as before.

I called Rhonda, and we both agreed that staying a couple days with her would be a good idea. On Monday, I couldn't even get out of bed, let alone pack my bags. I was back in my black pit of despair, overwhelmed and unable to function. My mom told me to take the day one step at a time. Step one: work out. I ran a few miles, then I broke down again. "I can't take it! It's too much! Why can't I just give up?"
I tried to pack my bags, but all I could do was lie flat on my floor and sob.
Hours passed, and the tears kept coming, and the wailing never ceased. My mom finally broke through the lock on my door. She had promised my little brothers that they would get to go to the library, but I couldn't come along in this miserable state. "I'll only be gone for twenty minutes," she said. "Can you promise to stay out of the kitchen?"
"I can't make promises I can't keep," I replied.
Surprisingly, my mom left anyway. She told me later that she thought I couldn't get in any worse shape than I already was. In the words of the Grinch: "WRONGO!"
Twenty minutes was all I needed to whip up a nice bowl of cookie dough (the chocolate chips were locked up in the pantry, but I made due with butter, brown sugar, granulated sugar, and whole wheat flour).
As soon as it was purging time, my dad drove in the driveway. I was immediately ashamed, and I hid under a towel in my bathroom.
My dad found me in my pathetic hiding spot. "Honey, can you tell me what's wrong?"
"Everything," I choked out. "It's all too much. I'm overwhelmed, and I can't take it anymore. I just want my life to end!"
My dad had tears in his eyes. "You can't give up. It's not in you to give up. I know that if I would have given up when I felt like it, it would hurt you. But if you give up now, it kill me. You can't take your life. You are too precious to me, and you are too precious to God. He has great things planned for you, don't let this stop you. The enemy is coming after you because he knows God will use you greatly for his kingdom. Don't let the enemy have his way. God is here to help you, and so am I."
Once my mom got back, we packed up for Rhonda's house, and I left my binge and my setbacks behind me.
Well, I'm in a binge free zone- my safe haven. Staying with Rhonda and Charlie helps me refocus and get back on track. So far, I've gone 24 hours without a binge or purge, and I'm feeling one hundred times better.
My main goal is to get in to Mercy Ministries as soon as possible. I believe that going through the Mercy program is what I need to do in order to receive full healing. I had my phone interview with one of the staff, and it left me feeling pretty hopeful. The questions I was asked were deep and intimate, but I kept my answers as honest as possible.
It's all in God's hands now. If he wants me to go to Mercy Ministries, then he will provide the way. His timing is perfect, and so is his plan for my life.