Hi beautiful readers!!!
This has been such a summer of transformation for me, and it is only the beginning!
I recently had a counseling appointment at the Bethel Transformation Center here in Redding, and I received such revelation and breakthrough! This past year, I have had so much fear in regards to giving my whole heart to The Lord, and I really couldn't place where the fear was coming from. During worship at BSSM, I would picture myself down on my knees and surrendering my life to the Lord, and crying out, "I'm yours Lord, I'm all yours!" Or I would picture myself dancing before the Lord with so much freedom and abandon.
I would think, why cant I do that? What's holding me back?
I wanted so badly to surrender to God's plan for my life, but I still clung to that little bit of control and that voice that says, I know whats best for me. If I give up control, I might get hurt.
My entire year at BSSM was filled with frustration as I battled with this issue of control.
During my counseling session, I was finally able to let go of my boyfriend and release him, knowing that it's not my job to take care of him, it's God's. My counselor and I were also able to pinpoint what needs my ex was filling, and it boiled down to affirmation and security. I would receive affirmation via text, and I had a false sense of security when I pictured a future with him- free military housing, a stable income. But this affirmation, and false security were both so unhealthy!
My counselor and I came up with a game plan to get these needs met, starting with declaring what the Lord says about me (something mercy ministries taught me). I remembered my truth booklet I had made at mercy, and all of the declarations I used to say years ago, and how much that helped with my self esteem. It saddened me to see how easily I had forgotten to declare who I am in Christ, and how my truth booklet had been collecting dust for so long.
But the enemy will stop at nothing to get God's children to believe the lie that they are not valuable, that they are worthless, that they do not have a destiny or future.
But guess what: I have great worth and value, and I have an incredible destiny and future! And so do YOU!!!
In my session, I also worked through the issue of security. I felt like I could not trust God with my future. Instead, I wanted to be in complete control. I told my counselor I wanted so badly to surrender my life, my plans, my everything to the Lord, but I thought I had to give up too many things, like my wants and desires.
We looked back at my childhood and how my father raised me. Once again, I was looking at Papa God through my earthly father "lenses." Growing up it was always, "you do what I want you to do; you be that way I want you to be; you go where I want you to go; you feel the way I want you to feel," from my Dad. I felt so controlled, and I felt like every decision I made was to make my dad happy, and I made no decisions based off of my own needs or wants.
After explaining this to my counselor, she led me in a prayer, and I encountered Jesus in the room! I felt Him sit down next to me and wrap His arms around me. I asked Him what would happen if I gave my whole heart to Him. I suddenly felt an overwhelming warmth flood my heart, and He replied, "I don't want to control you. All I want to do is love you."
I broke down in tears. My counselor asked if I wanted to let Him love me. "Yes!" I sobbed.
I felt such a shift in my heart and in my spirit when I opened up my heart to His love. Its a perfect love with no strings attached and no hidden agendas, and He does not set my needs or wants aside! He loves fully and completely, and this encounter still wreaks me! Now, I cannot help but breakdown and cry whenever someone mentions God's love. His love is just so amazing and so good!
My control related fear is now gone, and my security rests in His love!!!
Oh on a side note, I got inspiration for my first tattoo!!! I have a ton of other tattoos that I want to get done, but they're fairly big, and would be a bit expensive for the season I'm in right now.
This tattoo would be song lyrics, and I would get it on the inside of my forearm starting at the wrist and ending near the elbow- big, beautiful font!
I was in worship this past Sunday, and we were singing the song Closer, and of course I was bawling because most of the songs that morning were about God's love. But the lyrics that hit me the most were, "You're Love is so much stronger than anything I've faced."
Oh man! Those lyrics wreak me! And because of my journey, I would love to have those lyrics on my arm as a constant reminder of His goodness and His freaking amazing love!!! (Hopefully I wont cry every time I look down at my arm)
:)
PS: I had another (very intense!!!) inner healing session, so I'll be posting about that soon!
~Much love, Rachelle
xoxoxoxo
Monday, July 15, 2013
Sunday, June 23, 2013
A New Chapter
Hello beautiful readers.
It has been about a year and a half since I last wrote on this blog, and my life has drastically changed since my last post. There have been countless hardships and struggles, but I am able to say that I am alive, and God still has much more planned for me.
I can now say that my future looks bright, but I would not have said that a year ago. I was weighed down by depression, pain, guilt, and shame, and I did not want to reach out for help. During this time I had been in a toxic, controlling, and manipulative relationship, and I felt completely trapped. I was much too afraid to let the man who said he loved me go...and even more afraid of the abuse that might come if I ever tried to break things off.
Friends and family began to notice that this man was not treating me with respect, and strongly urged me to end things with him. I became angry with them, and stopped communicating with them, thinking they were just trying to sabotage my love life. I decided to ignore all the red flags, until I couldn't distinguish them any longer. Soon I could not tell love from abuse, and my life became very dark, very fast.
I didn't know who to turn to in order to deal with the pain, so I turned to alcohol and the party scene. When the numbness of the alcohol didn't seem to help, I turned to my old friend: FOOD. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold a steady job with the way I had been drinking (I had been coming to work hungover almost every shift), but a food addiction could go practically undetected.
Food, once again, became my drug.
I quit the parties and the drinking, and relied solely on food to get me through the day. I gained a drastic amount of weight, and soon my depression worsened.... and I coped with even more food.
I couldn't dare show my face at my old church. My life was spun around lies and secrets to keep people from knowing that I was living an immoral lifestyle.
I was convinced that God was disappointed in me, so I quit talking to Him as well.
I began having horrifying night terrors, and even seeing and hearing demonic apparitions. Hell began to seem a lot more real, and I felt like I could be dragged down at any moment.
One day, in August 2012, I finally cried out to The Lord, "I need to know you care about me!" Moments later, I heard a knock at the door. I opened it, and there stood a friendly looking lady. With a giant grin on her face, she handed me a Bible track with the caption "Why do bad things happen."
The lady said, "I just wanted to let you know that God loves you, and He cares about you,"
With tears streaming down my face, I quickly flipped through the pamphlet, when one verse jumped out at me. It was the very same verse that I had clung to during my battle with Anorexia:
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future,"
I started crying hysterically, and the woman gave me a huge hug, then just held me in her embrace. This was an embrace from Papa God.
After this day, shame began to melt off of me, and I finally reached out to my Mom, who was living with the rest of my family in Redding, CA.
I told her how I had gotten an acceptance letter from Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry months before, and I wanted to move in with her and the rest of the fam, and enroll in the school. She was surprised, but thrilled!
The terrifying part was breaking the news to my boyfriend at the time, but there was grace on that as well. Though he had shown a ton of disappointment, I did not have to endure one of his rageaholic meltdowns.
In September 2012, I moved from Santa Cruz to Redding- it was definitely a change in scenery...and shopping :(
Now that I was five hours away from my boyfriend, I finally felt safe enough to break things off. Once I did, a huge sense of peace came over me, and nervousness and tension left my body.
Once BSSM started up, God immediately started encountering me and revealing His love for me.
I received so much healing, and I had so many people sowing into me, and helping me with my journey.
But it seemed that as soon as I had a breakthrough, the enemy came at me harder. There were so many times I felt like giving up, and I felt like I wasn't cut out for being a student of supernatural ministry; but God proved me wrong every time! I had no idea that I could pray for people and they would get healed, or that I could receive a word of knowledge from the Holy Spirit about someone who needed to experience the Father's love.
Every time I said," I'm no good at this," God would seriously set me up to encounter a miracle, as if to say, "it's not you, its ME THROUGH YOU!"
Though my experiences in Bethel's first year program were amazing, and even life changing, my heart was still hurting. I was still struggling with a great amount of insecurity. Some days, the insecurity would be crippling, and I would often skip class.
I began to isolate myself, instead of reaching out for help, and I soon got caught up in an unhealthy phone relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I told myself and others that we were just back to being friends, but it turned romantic very quickly, and things just went downhill from there.
Shame began to take hold of my life once again, and the secrets I was holding inside started eating away at me. I did not want to connect with Papa God anymore because of the shame, and I started to disconnect with others as well, including my Revival Group Pastor, Carl.
I tried to cut things off with my ex several times, but with no support and accountability, I fell right back into the same cycle- getting all of my love, acceptance, and affirmation from my exboyfriend instead of Papa God.
Jealousy also plagued my heart when I learned that my ex was living with his current girlfriend.
Why is he telling me that he loves me, that he wishes that things could work out between us...when he's living with someone else?
The question I was too afraid to voice was: Why do I want to believe him?
My heart was crying out for love, yet I was too scared to let anyone else but my ex love me. I did not feel worthy of real, authentic love.
Two months before BSSM graduation, I had had several moral slip-ups regarding my ex and I, and I was sure I would be kicked out of ministry school. But instead of condemnation, I was shown grace, and love. My revival group pastor even said, "this doesn't change the way I see you, and I am not disappointed in you." And the ladies in my small group gathered around me in support as I shared with them and apologized for hiding so many things from them.
I couldn't believe the love and support I was shown! This totally modeled Bethel's "Culture of Honor."
I had a tremendous support team who helped me work through the pain I was feeling, and I am so thankful for everyone who helped me, prayed with me, cried with me, and loved on me!
I was able to go through counseling and finally break soul ties with my ex, and cut off communication with him as well.
Its still a step by step process, and I am still in the midst of counseling sessions and inner healing.
On May 10th, 2013, I was able to graduate from 1st year at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, and it was a huge milestone in my life.
God blessed me with so many friends, and so many amazing people who have spoken into my life.
I am still on a journey, but Papa God is by my side every step of the way. This has been the craziest start to a new chapter of my life, and I cant wait to see what He has written on the next page.
~Thank you all for reading. I'll be posting again soon.
Love, Rachelle
It has been about a year and a half since I last wrote on this blog, and my life has drastically changed since my last post. There have been countless hardships and struggles, but I am able to say that I am alive, and God still has much more planned for me.
I can now say that my future looks bright, but I would not have said that a year ago. I was weighed down by depression, pain, guilt, and shame, and I did not want to reach out for help. During this time I had been in a toxic, controlling, and manipulative relationship, and I felt completely trapped. I was much too afraid to let the man who said he loved me go...and even more afraid of the abuse that might come if I ever tried to break things off.
Friends and family began to notice that this man was not treating me with respect, and strongly urged me to end things with him. I became angry with them, and stopped communicating with them, thinking they were just trying to sabotage my love life. I decided to ignore all the red flags, until I couldn't distinguish them any longer. Soon I could not tell love from abuse, and my life became very dark, very fast.
I didn't know who to turn to in order to deal with the pain, so I turned to alcohol and the party scene. When the numbness of the alcohol didn't seem to help, I turned to my old friend: FOOD. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold a steady job with the way I had been drinking (I had been coming to work hungover almost every shift), but a food addiction could go practically undetected.
Food, once again, became my drug.
I quit the parties and the drinking, and relied solely on food to get me through the day. I gained a drastic amount of weight, and soon my depression worsened.... and I coped with even more food.
I couldn't dare show my face at my old church. My life was spun around lies and secrets to keep people from knowing that I was living an immoral lifestyle.
I was convinced that God was disappointed in me, so I quit talking to Him as well.
I began having horrifying night terrors, and even seeing and hearing demonic apparitions. Hell began to seem a lot more real, and I felt like I could be dragged down at any moment.
One day, in August 2012, I finally cried out to The Lord, "I need to know you care about me!" Moments later, I heard a knock at the door. I opened it, and there stood a friendly looking lady. With a giant grin on her face, she handed me a Bible track with the caption "Why do bad things happen."
The lady said, "I just wanted to let you know that God loves you, and He cares about you,"
With tears streaming down my face, I quickly flipped through the pamphlet, when one verse jumped out at me. It was the very same verse that I had clung to during my battle with Anorexia:
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future,"
I started crying hysterically, and the woman gave me a huge hug, then just held me in her embrace. This was an embrace from Papa God.
After this day, shame began to melt off of me, and I finally reached out to my Mom, who was living with the rest of my family in Redding, CA.
I told her how I had gotten an acceptance letter from Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry months before, and I wanted to move in with her and the rest of the fam, and enroll in the school. She was surprised, but thrilled!
The terrifying part was breaking the news to my boyfriend at the time, but there was grace on that as well. Though he had shown a ton of disappointment, I did not have to endure one of his rageaholic meltdowns.
In September 2012, I moved from Santa Cruz to Redding- it was definitely a change in scenery...and shopping :(
Now that I was five hours away from my boyfriend, I finally felt safe enough to break things off. Once I did, a huge sense of peace came over me, and nervousness and tension left my body.
Once BSSM started up, God immediately started encountering me and revealing His love for me.
I received so much healing, and I had so many people sowing into me, and helping me with my journey.
But it seemed that as soon as I had a breakthrough, the enemy came at me harder. There were so many times I felt like giving up, and I felt like I wasn't cut out for being a student of supernatural ministry; but God proved me wrong every time! I had no idea that I could pray for people and they would get healed, or that I could receive a word of knowledge from the Holy Spirit about someone who needed to experience the Father's love.
Every time I said," I'm no good at this," God would seriously set me up to encounter a miracle, as if to say, "it's not you, its ME THROUGH YOU!"
Though my experiences in Bethel's first year program were amazing, and even life changing, my heart was still hurting. I was still struggling with a great amount of insecurity. Some days, the insecurity would be crippling, and I would often skip class.
I began to isolate myself, instead of reaching out for help, and I soon got caught up in an unhealthy phone relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I told myself and others that we were just back to being friends, but it turned romantic very quickly, and things just went downhill from there.
Shame began to take hold of my life once again, and the secrets I was holding inside started eating away at me. I did not want to connect with Papa God anymore because of the shame, and I started to disconnect with others as well, including my Revival Group Pastor, Carl.
I tried to cut things off with my ex several times, but with no support and accountability, I fell right back into the same cycle- getting all of my love, acceptance, and affirmation from my exboyfriend instead of Papa God.
Jealousy also plagued my heart when I learned that my ex was living with his current girlfriend.
Why is he telling me that he loves me, that he wishes that things could work out between us...when he's living with someone else?
The question I was too afraid to voice was: Why do I want to believe him?
My heart was crying out for love, yet I was too scared to let anyone else but my ex love me. I did not feel worthy of real, authentic love.
Two months before BSSM graduation, I had had several moral slip-ups regarding my ex and I, and I was sure I would be kicked out of ministry school. But instead of condemnation, I was shown grace, and love. My revival group pastor even said, "this doesn't change the way I see you, and I am not disappointed in you." And the ladies in my small group gathered around me in support as I shared with them and apologized for hiding so many things from them.
I couldn't believe the love and support I was shown! This totally modeled Bethel's "Culture of Honor."
I had a tremendous support team who helped me work through the pain I was feeling, and I am so thankful for everyone who helped me, prayed with me, cried with me, and loved on me!
I was able to go through counseling and finally break soul ties with my ex, and cut off communication with him as well.
Its still a step by step process, and I am still in the midst of counseling sessions and inner healing.
On May 10th, 2013, I was able to graduate from 1st year at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, and it was a huge milestone in my life.
God blessed me with so many friends, and so many amazing people who have spoken into my life.
I am still on a journey, but Papa God is by my side every step of the way. This has been the craziest start to a new chapter of my life, and I cant wait to see what He has written on the next page.
~Thank you all for reading. I'll be posting again soon.
Love, Rachelle
My Right Hand is Healed
Hi wonderful readers!
I'm starting this little blog of mine back up! yay!
It's been about a year and a half since my last post, and it has been far, far too long!
I have had many prophetic words saying that I should start writing over the past year, but so much has been holding me back. I was honestly waiting to have my life all together before I started writing again, but that didn't stop me from starting this blog in the first place, back in 2010.
When I started this blog, I was severely Anorexic and Bulimic, but I also discovered that I had a new found courage that allowed me to open up, be raw, real, and vulnerable through writing.
I'm ready to be just that once again: Raw, Real, and Vulnerable.
God rarely speaks to me through dreams, but when he does they are incredibly vivid.
Last night I had a dream that revealed what is going on in my heart and how it is affecting my relationship with food.
I had been doing so well with my eating for the past few months, but lately I would have strong urges to binge eat, and most of the time, I would give in, and the binges would last for days, following with laxative teas and herbal detoxes to try to flush all the crap out of my system.
Through Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, I had been making so much progress in loving myself and being kind to my body. I had attended workshops and classes, and found a healthy lifestyle that I found sustainable and that I enjoyed.
But after BSSM graduation, these insane binges began to start. I would force terrible foods down my throat; food that made me gag in disgust; foods full of preservatives, toxins, and refined sugar. I would look at the food I was about to inhale and ask, "why am I doing this?."
Well, this dream gave me some insight.
I'm walking in a mall, about to buy some shoes and a handbag, when I see a group of three Bethel ministry students praying in a circle. I dont want them to see me because I am sad and depressed. As I walk past them, I can tell they are on a "treasure hunt." I hear them whisper, "I think its her." I turn around and they are standing next to me. "God want's to heal your right hand," they said. I look down and my right hand is super swollen and red. I say,"ok" kind of sceptical. But they reply,"You haven't been using it lately, but God is healing it right now so you can use it again."
I look down and my hand is completely normal, and I can move all of my fingers with ease. I don't seem that excited, in fact I still seem gloomy.
I tell them, "actually, I need you to pray with me. I have been really down and depressed lately. You see I made some awful mistakes, and I didn't get into the second year at BSSM, and I am so angry with myself."
The ministry students pray with me, and the dream ends.
I woke up from this dream and didnt think much of it, but earlier this evening God began to reveal the meaning to me.
I really did make several mistakes this past year during BSSM first year, but I did not think I was still harboring anger towards myself. But it would totally explain the binge eating, because it is a form of self punishment!
I had no idea why I was binging, but the truth was I was punishing myself for something that God has already forgiven me of!
But here's the thing, I still need to forgive myself. I have been so angry with myself because I have felt like I f*cked up my future.
It's still something I need to work through, but I'll get there, I know I will!
As for the other part of my dream, my right hand being healed signifies my freedom to write again, and shame being broken from this aspect of my life! I love, love, love to write, but I had been living with so much guilt and shame, that I held back and put writing behind me, telling myself it was a thing of that past.
Not any more!
I've also had some prophetic words about a new measure of creativity being released in my life. I paint with my right hand as well as sketch with my right hand, so I'll be expressing myself through art as well. In the past, I had so much perfectionism attached to my artwork, but Papa God is breaking that off! There is so much freedom in art and creativity!
Well beautiful readers, I shall be posting another entry this evening as well.
It will be a bit lengthy, but a lot has happened since my last post back in 2011!
I love you all!
~Rachelle
I'm starting this little blog of mine back up! yay!
It's been about a year and a half since my last post, and it has been far, far too long!
I have had many prophetic words saying that I should start writing over the past year, but so much has been holding me back. I was honestly waiting to have my life all together before I started writing again, but that didn't stop me from starting this blog in the first place, back in 2010.
When I started this blog, I was severely Anorexic and Bulimic, but I also discovered that I had a new found courage that allowed me to open up, be raw, real, and vulnerable through writing.
I'm ready to be just that once again: Raw, Real, and Vulnerable.
God rarely speaks to me through dreams, but when he does they are incredibly vivid.
Last night I had a dream that revealed what is going on in my heart and how it is affecting my relationship with food.
I had been doing so well with my eating for the past few months, but lately I would have strong urges to binge eat, and most of the time, I would give in, and the binges would last for days, following with laxative teas and herbal detoxes to try to flush all the crap out of my system.
Through Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, I had been making so much progress in loving myself and being kind to my body. I had attended workshops and classes, and found a healthy lifestyle that I found sustainable and that I enjoyed.
But after BSSM graduation, these insane binges began to start. I would force terrible foods down my throat; food that made me gag in disgust; foods full of preservatives, toxins, and refined sugar. I would look at the food I was about to inhale and ask, "why am I doing this?."
Well, this dream gave me some insight.
I'm walking in a mall, about to buy some shoes and a handbag, when I see a group of three Bethel ministry students praying in a circle. I dont want them to see me because I am sad and depressed. As I walk past them, I can tell they are on a "treasure hunt." I hear them whisper, "I think its her." I turn around and they are standing next to me. "God want's to heal your right hand," they said. I look down and my right hand is super swollen and red. I say,"ok" kind of sceptical. But they reply,"You haven't been using it lately, but God is healing it right now so you can use it again."
I look down and my hand is completely normal, and I can move all of my fingers with ease. I don't seem that excited, in fact I still seem gloomy.
I tell them, "actually, I need you to pray with me. I have been really down and depressed lately. You see I made some awful mistakes, and I didn't get into the second year at BSSM, and I am so angry with myself."
The ministry students pray with me, and the dream ends.
I woke up from this dream and didnt think much of it, but earlier this evening God began to reveal the meaning to me.
I really did make several mistakes this past year during BSSM first year, but I did not think I was still harboring anger towards myself. But it would totally explain the binge eating, because it is a form of self punishment!
I had no idea why I was binging, but the truth was I was punishing myself for something that God has already forgiven me of!
But here's the thing, I still need to forgive myself. I have been so angry with myself because I have felt like I f*cked up my future.
It's still something I need to work through, but I'll get there, I know I will!
As for the other part of my dream, my right hand being healed signifies my freedom to write again, and shame being broken from this aspect of my life! I love, love, love to write, but I had been living with so much guilt and shame, that I held back and put writing behind me, telling myself it was a thing of that past.
Not any more!
I've also had some prophetic words about a new measure of creativity being released in my life. I paint with my right hand as well as sketch with my right hand, so I'll be expressing myself through art as well. In the past, I had so much perfectionism attached to my artwork, but Papa God is breaking that off! There is so much freedom in art and creativity!
Well beautiful readers, I shall be posting another entry this evening as well.
It will be a bit lengthy, but a lot has happened since my last post back in 2011!
I love you all!
~Rachelle
Thursday, November 17, 2011
New Perspectives, New Freedom
Hello my wonderful readers. Thanks again for your messages on facebook; they all mean so much to me, and I'm so grateful for all the support =] Especially my Mercy sisters!!!! I love each and every one of you lovely ladies!!!!
So, this morning I has a 102 degree fever, and felt like the epitome of CRAP!
Now I'm feeling well enough to sit up and type, but I've still been bed ridden all day.
I'm hoping and praying that I feel ok enough to see the Twilight Breaking Dawn premier tonight- I had my tickets bought waaaayyyyyy ahead of time. Maybe I'll just wrap up in a couple blankets and hide a thermos of tea and honey in my purse. I CANT MISS BREAKING DAWN, PART ONE!!!!!!
Hey, all you Twilight haters out there...QUIT HATING!!!!!
You simply don't appreciate the beauty of a vampire, human, werewolf love triangle!
Ok, off the Twilight subject for now. I've gained a whole new perspective on my eating, and it's been super freeing! Ready for it? Here it is:
Eat when you're hungry, and stop when you're full.
Now, for those of you who have always eaten normally, you may be thinking "DUH!"
But this is totally new for me. I've been dieting [eating according to man-made rules] for years and years and years! To hear that I could eat what my body wants- even if its a slice of pizza or a peanut butter and honey sandwich- is astounding to me! It's the real way of eating; listening to my body, feeding it what it needs, and stopping when it's full.
I haven't been eating according to my bodies cues, I've been eating according to rules, rules, and more rules.
Here's the rule I followed when I was five: you must hide your food so it looks like you finished your meal. You are only a "good-girl" if you eat all your food.
Here's the rule I followed when I was a pre-teen: Get the food while you can, because there may not be any left later. Take as much food as you can before your dad and your brothers do! Use your survival instincts! In this house, you snooze, you lose!
Here are the rules I followed in highschool: You must only eat a yogurt and rice cake snacks for lunch. You may not eat between the hours of 2pm and 5pm, or you will gain weight. No carbs at dinner- you will gain weight. If you binge, you may not eat lunch for an entire week, only tea. If you cheat, no eating for the next three days!
The rules got more and more strict: You may not skip a workout. You must run three miles a day and tone a major muscle group or your metabolism may slow down. You may not consume a carbohydrate of any kind; breads and pastas are strictly off limits. You must eliminate all types of fat in your diet. Fats make you fat. No eating after 7pm. Sweets, and sugars are forbidden. If you gain weight, you are a failure.
How miserable do these rules sound? My life revolved around Anorexic rules, diet rules, workout regimens, health rules...no wonder I had a nervous break down!
Mercy Ministries helped me eliminate these dieting rituals...but we still ate according to the clock, and what health professionals had to say. And let me tell you, we girls at Mercy had to go by a LOT of food rules.
Here are some of the Mercy food rules: You must have a serving of vegetables or fruit [it later evolved to 2 servings]. You must have a palm size of protein- no more, no less! You may have one icecream scoop of rice or mashed potatoes. You may not skip a food group! You may only have sweets on the weekend, or cake when there is a birthday. You may have a maximum of 10oz of frozen yogurt at the mall.
Girls with an anorexic background had to be especially monitored. We HAD to eat every scrap of food on our plates, and we were forced to eat when we were not hungry [required snack] between meals, or we would receive a discipline- an extra chore during the week.
Yes, Mercy Ministries and their counseling program helped me immensely, but the program did not set me up for a life of normal, rule-free eating. At Mercy, I was trained to eat everything on my plate, even if I was beyond full; I was trained to eat between meals, and to eat according to the clock, not according to my stomach.
I left Mercy still a bit confused about how to eat like a normal human being.
A few months after my Mercy graduation, I fell back into diet rules and regulations, restricting carbs and stuffing myself with veggies and fruit. Eventually my body cried out for the fat, sugar, and carbs that I had deprived it of, and I went into full on binge-mode.
The binge/restrict cycle began again...and this time I was overweight vs. underweight, so my self hatred grew even more.
This is from a post a few weeks ago; I never published it, so it was saved as a draft. This shows where my mindset was and how frustrated dieting had made me.
"Hey everyone!
So the past couple of weeks, I have not been in close communication with many of my accountability peeps. This has really caused me to try a lot of drastic things in order to lose weight- all which have failed. I gained four pounds on weight watchers online [don't ask me how]. And I've lost around 14 pounds on HCG, then gained 4 more pounds back after binging all weekend long.
Hmmmmmm...
sounds like the same old cycle, huh?
Restrict, binge, try a new diet, fail, spend $400 on more diet stuff, lose a few pounds, gain some back- this all ends in total frustration and I'm left feeling stuck.
So here's my question: how am I supposed to lose weight without going on a diet?
I know I've lost weight before- a dangerous amount of weight. And living the anorexic lifestyle was a living hell for me...
BUT I WANT TO LOSE WIGHT SOOOOOOOO BAD. I can't even express to you how I long to be skinny again. I sometimes cry myself to sleep over mourning my old, beautiful body, a body I spent years sculpting and punishing until it was finally perfect.
I miss walking through the mall and getting double takes, or having a guy insist he help me out with my groceries. I miss the giddy feeling all the attention brought me. I miss being able to fit into whatever I wanted, not having to worry if a skirt was too tight or if I wouldn't be able to button a pair of jeans all the way.
I'm tired about worrying about food, and my weight. Will this ever end?"
I had been crying out to the Lord about my food worries, asking Him if I will ever be able to eat like a normal person.
The Lord knew just how to reach me.
My mom had been packing up her library, when I stumbled upon a book called, The Weigh Down Diet. My first thought was, "Oh boy! A diet book!" But when I read the back, I discovered that it was a Christian book. Not only that, but the main focus of the book was to break the bondage of dieting for good!
I immediately dove into the first chapter. The book is written and narrated by a cute southern woman named Gwen Shamblin. Gwen started out by sharing her story about being consumed by diets, weight worries, and food. She was even a licensed dietition and she still struggled with her weight! She then started to share how the Lord set her free. The answers were not in the man-made dietary rules, but in the Bible! There are so many food related verses in the Bible, and they are there to set us free! One verse even says that no food is "unclean," so I shouldn't worry if a food is a non-diet food; if it's what my body is calling for, then I should let my body have it.
People who have applied the Bible-based principles of this book to their lives have lost a tremendous amount of weight, and have been restored to a healthy, natural weight. They are simply eating the way God intended for us all to eat.
God designed my body (Psalm 135), so I can trust that it will let me know when to eat, what to eat, and how much to eat.
I'm also learning to discern between heart/head hunger, and true stomach hunger. Only God can satisfy the hunger and longing for comfort in my heart- comfort food can't really comfort, in the end, we just want more.
Food doesn't go to the heart, it just gos to the stomach.
I've learned that I've made food an idol in my life. I've run to food, I've worried about food, I've been per-occupied with food. I've depended on food and diets instead of depending on God.
I'm halfway through the book, and I'm sure God has much more to show me.
A week ago, my dad and I talked about and prayed through a hurt that happened to me after my freshman year of high school. This hurt was a root of a lot of rejection and fear- fear that I would never be good enough for any guy. I had never told anyone about this hurt, and my dad was the perfect person to open up to. I told him how I feared I would never find a husband because there are girls out there that are skinnier than me, more outgoing than me, and prettier than me.
My dad assured me that my future husband is going to love ME because I'm ME. He's gonna be head over heals for me, and I will be more than beautiful enough for him. My dad let me cry on his shoulder as he prayed for me- he cried too! I finally let out the hurt and pain I had been storing up for years, and I suddenly felt a strong resolve come over me. "I'll be right back, there's something I have to do,"I said as I ran to my room. I swung open my closet doors and grabbed bottle after bottle of diet liquid, and diet pills. "No more bondage!" I yelled. I dumped the contents of every single bottle down the toilet, hit flush a few times, then ran out into the pouring rain to smash the bottles in the dumpster.
I wiped my feet on the mat, shut the door behind me and smiled;
"I did it," I whispered.
So, this morning I has a 102 degree fever, and felt like the epitome of CRAP!
Now I'm feeling well enough to sit up and type, but I've still been bed ridden all day.
I'm hoping and praying that I feel ok enough to see the Twilight Breaking Dawn premier tonight- I had my tickets bought waaaayyyyyy ahead of time. Maybe I'll just wrap up in a couple blankets and hide a thermos of tea and honey in my purse. I CANT MISS BREAKING DAWN, PART ONE!!!!!!
Hey, all you Twilight haters out there...QUIT HATING!!!!!
You simply don't appreciate the beauty of a vampire, human, werewolf love triangle!
Ok, off the Twilight subject for now. I've gained a whole new perspective on my eating, and it's been super freeing! Ready for it? Here it is:
Eat when you're hungry, and stop when you're full.
Now, for those of you who have always eaten normally, you may be thinking "DUH!"
But this is totally new for me. I've been dieting [eating according to man-made rules] for years and years and years! To hear that I could eat what my body wants- even if its a slice of pizza or a peanut butter and honey sandwich- is astounding to me! It's the real way of eating; listening to my body, feeding it what it needs, and stopping when it's full.
I haven't been eating according to my bodies cues, I've been eating according to rules, rules, and more rules.
Here's the rule I followed when I was five: you must hide your food so it looks like you finished your meal. You are only a "good-girl" if you eat all your food.
Here's the rule I followed when I was a pre-teen: Get the food while you can, because there may not be any left later. Take as much food as you can before your dad and your brothers do! Use your survival instincts! In this house, you snooze, you lose!
Here are the rules I followed in highschool: You must only eat a yogurt and rice cake snacks for lunch. You may not eat between the hours of 2pm and 5pm, or you will gain weight. No carbs at dinner- you will gain weight. If you binge, you may not eat lunch for an entire week, only tea. If you cheat, no eating for the next three days!
The rules got more and more strict: You may not skip a workout. You must run three miles a day and tone a major muscle group or your metabolism may slow down. You may not consume a carbohydrate of any kind; breads and pastas are strictly off limits. You must eliminate all types of fat in your diet. Fats make you fat. No eating after 7pm. Sweets, and sugars are forbidden. If you gain weight, you are a failure.
How miserable do these rules sound? My life revolved around Anorexic rules, diet rules, workout regimens, health rules...no wonder I had a nervous break down!
Mercy Ministries helped me eliminate these dieting rituals...but we still ate according to the clock, and what health professionals had to say. And let me tell you, we girls at Mercy had to go by a LOT of food rules.
Here are some of the Mercy food rules: You must have a serving of vegetables or fruit [it later evolved to 2 servings]. You must have a palm size of protein- no more, no less! You may have one icecream scoop of rice or mashed potatoes. You may not skip a food group! You may only have sweets on the weekend, or cake when there is a birthday. You may have a maximum of 10oz of frozen yogurt at the mall.
Girls with an anorexic background had to be especially monitored. We HAD to eat every scrap of food on our plates, and we were forced to eat when we were not hungry [required snack] between meals, or we would receive a discipline- an extra chore during the week.
Yes, Mercy Ministries and their counseling program helped me immensely, but the program did not set me up for a life of normal, rule-free eating. At Mercy, I was trained to eat everything on my plate, even if I was beyond full; I was trained to eat between meals, and to eat according to the clock, not according to my stomach.
I left Mercy still a bit confused about how to eat like a normal human being.
A few months after my Mercy graduation, I fell back into diet rules and regulations, restricting carbs and stuffing myself with veggies and fruit. Eventually my body cried out for the fat, sugar, and carbs that I had deprived it of, and I went into full on binge-mode.
The binge/restrict cycle began again...and this time I was overweight vs. underweight, so my self hatred grew even more.
This is from a post a few weeks ago; I never published it, so it was saved as a draft. This shows where my mindset was and how frustrated dieting had made me.
"Hey everyone!
So the past couple of weeks, I have not been in close communication with many of my accountability peeps. This has really caused me to try a lot of drastic things in order to lose weight- all which have failed. I gained four pounds on weight watchers online [don't ask me how]. And I've lost around 14 pounds on HCG, then gained 4 more pounds back after binging all weekend long.
Hmmmmmm...
sounds like the same old cycle, huh?
Restrict, binge, try a new diet, fail, spend $400 on more diet stuff, lose a few pounds, gain some back- this all ends in total frustration and I'm left feeling stuck.
So here's my question: how am I supposed to lose weight without going on a diet?
I know I've lost weight before- a dangerous amount of weight. And living the anorexic lifestyle was a living hell for me...
BUT I WANT TO LOSE WIGHT SOOOOOOOO BAD. I can't even express to you how I long to be skinny again. I sometimes cry myself to sleep over mourning my old, beautiful body, a body I spent years sculpting and punishing until it was finally perfect.
I miss walking through the mall and getting double takes, or having a guy insist he help me out with my groceries. I miss the giddy feeling all the attention brought me. I miss being able to fit into whatever I wanted, not having to worry if a skirt was too tight or if I wouldn't be able to button a pair of jeans all the way.
I'm tired about worrying about food, and my weight. Will this ever end?"
I had been crying out to the Lord about my food worries, asking Him if I will ever be able to eat like a normal person.
The Lord knew just how to reach me.
My mom had been packing up her library, when I stumbled upon a book called, The Weigh Down Diet. My first thought was, "Oh boy! A diet book!" But when I read the back, I discovered that it was a Christian book. Not only that, but the main focus of the book was to break the bondage of dieting for good!
I immediately dove into the first chapter. The book is written and narrated by a cute southern woman named Gwen Shamblin. Gwen started out by sharing her story about being consumed by diets, weight worries, and food. She was even a licensed dietition and she still struggled with her weight! She then started to share how the Lord set her free. The answers were not in the man-made dietary rules, but in the Bible! There are so many food related verses in the Bible, and they are there to set us free! One verse even says that no food is "unclean," so I shouldn't worry if a food is a non-diet food; if it's what my body is calling for, then I should let my body have it.
People who have applied the Bible-based principles of this book to their lives have lost a tremendous amount of weight, and have been restored to a healthy, natural weight. They are simply eating the way God intended for us all to eat.
God designed my body (Psalm 135), so I can trust that it will let me know when to eat, what to eat, and how much to eat.
I'm also learning to discern between heart/head hunger, and true stomach hunger. Only God can satisfy the hunger and longing for comfort in my heart- comfort food can't really comfort, in the end, we just want more.
Food doesn't go to the heart, it just gos to the stomach.
I've learned that I've made food an idol in my life. I've run to food, I've worried about food, I've been per-occupied with food. I've depended on food and diets instead of depending on God.
I'm halfway through the book, and I'm sure God has much more to show me.
A week ago, my dad and I talked about and prayed through a hurt that happened to me after my freshman year of high school. This hurt was a root of a lot of rejection and fear- fear that I would never be good enough for any guy. I had never told anyone about this hurt, and my dad was the perfect person to open up to. I told him how I feared I would never find a husband because there are girls out there that are skinnier than me, more outgoing than me, and prettier than me.
My dad assured me that my future husband is going to love ME because I'm ME. He's gonna be head over heals for me, and I will be more than beautiful enough for him. My dad let me cry on his shoulder as he prayed for me- he cried too! I finally let out the hurt and pain I had been storing up for years, and I suddenly felt a strong resolve come over me. "I'll be right back, there's something I have to do,"I said as I ran to my room. I swung open my closet doors and grabbed bottle after bottle of diet liquid, and diet pills. "No more bondage!" I yelled. I dumped the contents of every single bottle down the toilet, hit flush a few times, then ran out into the pouring rain to smash the bottles in the dumpster.
I wiped my feet on the mat, shut the door behind me and smiled;
"I did it," I whispered.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Giving Up Control
Hi everyone!
So, my last post was a bit dark; but I'm happy to say that things are looking up.
Life has been so CRAZY! During the last few months, I've had to deal with losing our house, and my family not being able to make ends meet.
I immediately tried to take matters into my own hands, thinking if my parents can't get us out of this mess, then I guess its up to me.
I started a skincare business with Arbonne International. While things are going well with the business, I hadn't realized all the work and stress that would come along with starting something so new and foreign to me as a job in sales and network marketing.
Let me tell you, selling makeup and skincare in NOT as simple as it sounds...and definitely not as easy.
I went into the company thinking I would be able to move up right away; after all, my up-line made it sound so easy. What she didn't mention was all the phone calls I would have to make.
PHONE CALLS?
I HATE talking to people on the phone. It's my WORST fear!
And that's what most of this business is: making phone calls in order to book parties, place orders, follow up with clients, and tell people about the business opportunities.
In order to move up in this business, I would have to be on the phone 24/7. I would never be able to leave work! That's the problem I have with home-based businesses- when I'm at home, I'm at work! How miserable is that?
So yeah, I've found a way to make Arbonne totally fun and enjoyable now: Parties!!! I set up all my beautiful make up and skincare products at a hostess's house, do a product demo, get orders, and make a profit off the sales from the party. That's simple enough for me to still be enjoyable.
Anything else, I'm crossing the line! No more sitting at a booth for hours, just to get a couple phone numbers of "possible" clients who "might" be interested. That kind of thing is not for me! Making phone calls to almost complete strangers, then getting hung up on...yeah, not for me.
Ok, enough about the Arbonne Biz.
So I've been under HUGE stress and constant worry about our house and finances. Since the house thing is something that I can't help, I suddenly felt like my world was falling apart. If it had been my fault, I actually would have felt better about it.
But it's nothing I did, and now there's nothing I can do.
Isn't that the worst feeling in the world?!
I've spent the last 3 months feeling completely helpless, and out of control.
I wanted to take back control SO bad! I wanted to make everything alright. I wanted to put our family back together. I wanted to save our house, somehow, some way. I wanted to fix it all.
I didn't want change to happen.
...But God did.
He knew if we stayed where we were, we would be stuck, both financially and spiritually. My dad and I would be frantically trying our hardest to make money in a place where opportunity is slim. My mom would be stuck working her stressful sales job, while my brothers are lonely doing school at home. And we would be living in a town that I really didn't like to begin with.
And I didn't want change...
Change can be the best, yet scariest thing in the world.
When I was a little girl, someone asked me if I would rather be blind or deaf. I anwered, "I would much rather be deaf, that way I could at least see where I'm going."
I guess I've always felt like I needed to see exactly where I was going, and where life was taking me next; never wanting to close my eyes, afraid I might lose sight of what's ahead.
But sometimes, it's best to be that blind girl- to close my analytical eyes, and to open my ears to what God has to say.
"You don't have to worry about your future, Rachelle. You don't have to see everything to believe that what I have for you is good. You don't have to bend the road, it's already perfect. Trust Me. Follow Me blind, it's more of an adventure that way. Follow my voice, not your eyes."
He's leading me to some pretty wild places, places I would never think of on my own; but that's exactly how He works. When I give control to Him, He takes me farther than i could imagine, deeper than I could ever dream, and higher than what would ever seem possible.
To be continued...
So, my last post was a bit dark; but I'm happy to say that things are looking up.
Life has been so CRAZY! During the last few months, I've had to deal with losing our house, and my family not being able to make ends meet.
I immediately tried to take matters into my own hands, thinking if my parents can't get us out of this mess, then I guess its up to me.
I started a skincare business with Arbonne International. While things are going well with the business, I hadn't realized all the work and stress that would come along with starting something so new and foreign to me as a job in sales and network marketing.
Let me tell you, selling makeup and skincare in NOT as simple as it sounds...and definitely not as easy.
I went into the company thinking I would be able to move up right away; after all, my up-line made it sound so easy. What she didn't mention was all the phone calls I would have to make.
PHONE CALLS?
I HATE talking to people on the phone. It's my WORST fear!
And that's what most of this business is: making phone calls in order to book parties, place orders, follow up with clients, and tell people about the business opportunities.
In order to move up in this business, I would have to be on the phone 24/7. I would never be able to leave work! That's the problem I have with home-based businesses- when I'm at home, I'm at work! How miserable is that?
So yeah, I've found a way to make Arbonne totally fun and enjoyable now: Parties!!! I set up all my beautiful make up and skincare products at a hostess's house, do a product demo, get orders, and make a profit off the sales from the party. That's simple enough for me to still be enjoyable.
Anything else, I'm crossing the line! No more sitting at a booth for hours, just to get a couple phone numbers of "possible" clients who "might" be interested. That kind of thing is not for me! Making phone calls to almost complete strangers, then getting hung up on...yeah, not for me.
Ok, enough about the Arbonne Biz.
So I've been under HUGE stress and constant worry about our house and finances. Since the house thing is something that I can't help, I suddenly felt like my world was falling apart. If it had been my fault, I actually would have felt better about it.
But it's nothing I did, and now there's nothing I can do.
Isn't that the worst feeling in the world?!
I've spent the last 3 months feeling completely helpless, and out of control.
I wanted to take back control SO bad! I wanted to make everything alright. I wanted to put our family back together. I wanted to save our house, somehow, some way. I wanted to fix it all.
I didn't want change to happen.
...But God did.
He knew if we stayed where we were, we would be stuck, both financially and spiritually. My dad and I would be frantically trying our hardest to make money in a place where opportunity is slim. My mom would be stuck working her stressful sales job, while my brothers are lonely doing school at home. And we would be living in a town that I really didn't like to begin with.
And I didn't want change...
Change can be the best, yet scariest thing in the world.
When I was a little girl, someone asked me if I would rather be blind or deaf. I anwered, "I would much rather be deaf, that way I could at least see where I'm going."
I guess I've always felt like I needed to see exactly where I was going, and where life was taking me next; never wanting to close my eyes, afraid I might lose sight of what's ahead.
But sometimes, it's best to be that blind girl- to close my analytical eyes, and to open my ears to what God has to say.
"You don't have to worry about your future, Rachelle. You don't have to see everything to believe that what I have for you is good. You don't have to bend the road, it's already perfect. Trust Me. Follow Me blind, it's more of an adventure that way. Follow my voice, not your eyes."
He's leading me to some pretty wild places, places I would never think of on my own; but that's exactly how He works. When I give control to Him, He takes me farther than i could imagine, deeper than I could ever dream, and higher than what would ever seem possible.
To be continued...
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Does it ever end?
I can't tell you how discouraged I am right now.
How could I go back when I promised myself, my family, and God that I wouldn't?
So I went back...waaayyyyy back, so far back that I can't give details (though previous posts have been rather graphic). It's shameful to think that so many young ladies look up to me now, and here I am back in that hideous binge/purge/diet/restrict pattern again.
I'm stuck.
I need help.
I'm not hiding anymore.
No more secrets, no more lies, no more deception.
I want this to end once and for all!
I need God to come to my rescue; I need friends to stand by my side; I need family to support and encourage me; and I know it all starts with me reaching out for help.
So, this is me reaching out for help.
There has got to be a miracle out there for me- that's what it's gonna take to get me out of the deepest pit I've ever been in.
"But when [Rachelle] cried out to the Lord for help, the Lord raised up a rescuer to save [her]." Judges 3:9
How could I go back when I promised myself, my family, and God that I wouldn't?
So I went back...waaayyyyy back, so far back that I can't give details (though previous posts have been rather graphic). It's shameful to think that so many young ladies look up to me now, and here I am back in that hideous binge/purge/diet/restrict pattern again.
I'm stuck.
I need help.
I'm not hiding anymore.
No more secrets, no more lies, no more deception.
I want this to end once and for all!
I need God to come to my rescue; I need friends to stand by my side; I need family to support and encourage me; and I know it all starts with me reaching out for help.
So, this is me reaching out for help.
There has got to be a miracle out there for me- that's what it's gonna take to get me out of the deepest pit I've ever been in.
"But when [Rachelle] cried out to the Lord for help, the Lord raised up a rescuer to save [her]." Judges 3:9
Monday, May 30, 2011
Vacation Blues
Grrrrrr!!!!
Why do I binge every time I go on vacation???!!!
Yeah, so as you all have noticed...I LOVE FOOD!
And vacation food is just ohhhhh soooooo tempting and yummy. I think most people struggle with over eating when they go on vay-cay, but I take it much more seriously. I know all the physiological and emotional issues behind over eating and binging, yet I still do it. It FEELS good.
...and now, I feel gross.
but good news: no purging or laxatives were involved; just a whole lot of chocolate, ice cream and french fries.
Can I be honest with all 'yall?
I feel just about as chubby, fat, and unattractive as I did three years ago, before I went all crazy with the weight loss programs and all that crap.
I don't- I repeat- don't want to fall back into that cycle. I hated dieting, restricting, and the constant worry of gaining weight. I hate the weight, size, and shape I am now; but I can't do anything about it without going back down that road again. I'm caught between a crappy rock and a hard place, dang it!
I just wanna be thin again!!!!!!!!!!
But then I must wonder...why??? Why do I want desperately to be thin again? Why is that suddenly my goal in life?
Man, it's soooo easy to put my security in my outward appearance rather than who God says I am. And here's why: people can make judgements based on appearance right off the bat. They can say, "oh, she's beautiful so she's valuable."
Oh! More wrong thinking! Again, I'm letting others determine my value when that's been God's job all along.
It's that dumb cycle again. I get thin, people approve of me, they value me, I suddenly feel valued, and my worth and value is based on my appearance.
I know it's wrong!!! I know it, I know it, I know it! That's why I'm taking the time to write out my thought patterns tonight- so I can identify where my thinking is warped. It all starts when I let others put a price tag on me. I can't let others determine my worth and value! My value is in who I am in Christ, not who the world says I am...the world gets it wrong every time! The world says, "Rachelle has chubby thighs and saddle bags, so she's not worth anything," or, "Rachelle isn't nearly as outgoing and bubbly as she should be, so she's not as valuable as the other girls."
Yeah, those of you who know me may be thinking, oh, but I've always valued Rachelle! (at least that's my hope...)
But the rest of the world probably finds me inferior next to most girls.
Hold a picture of my hips and thighs next to a photo of Megan Fox and one word comes to mind: INFERIOR!
Compare my personality to the rest of my friends and you'll know what I mean: Hmmmm, how should we describe Rachelle? Boring, shy, quiet, not talkative enough.
So the world is hard on girls like me. And that's why I can't let the world tell me how valuable I am- there just gonna tell me a big fat lie!
How do I know the world is lying?
Because God says otherwise!!! His Word is the Truth! He tells me in His Word that I am loved and beautiful, and there is no flaw in me! (Song of Solomon 4:7)
He says I am of great worth and value, and that I am a masterpiece! (Ephesians 2:10)
So yes, I'm probably the heaviest weight I've been in my entire life, but that doesn't change my TRUE worth or my value (yes, it certainly changes my value in the world's eyes- we can't deny that). But the world does not have the right to steal my joy, my happiness, and my confidence. I am confident in Christ and who God has made me! I refuse to base my identity on my outward appearance and my weight!
...my weight may go up and down, but my worth and value stays always the same.
~For all the daughters of The King:
Proverbs 31
A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman (that's us!!!)-She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls...Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised! (Yay!)
-Amplified Bible
Why do I binge every time I go on vacation???!!!
Yeah, so as you all have noticed...I LOVE FOOD!
And vacation food is just ohhhhh soooooo tempting and yummy. I think most people struggle with over eating when they go on vay-cay, but I take it much more seriously. I know all the physiological and emotional issues behind over eating and binging, yet I still do it. It FEELS good.
...and now, I feel gross.
but good news: no purging or laxatives were involved; just a whole lot of chocolate, ice cream and french fries.
Can I be honest with all 'yall?
I feel just about as chubby, fat, and unattractive as I did three years ago, before I went all crazy with the weight loss programs and all that crap.
I don't- I repeat- don't want to fall back into that cycle. I hated dieting, restricting, and the constant worry of gaining weight. I hate the weight, size, and shape I am now; but I can't do anything about it without going back down that road again. I'm caught between a crappy rock and a hard place, dang it!
I just wanna be thin again!!!!!!!!!!
But then I must wonder...why??? Why do I want desperately to be thin again? Why is that suddenly my goal in life?
Man, it's soooo easy to put my security in my outward appearance rather than who God says I am. And here's why: people can make judgements based on appearance right off the bat. They can say, "oh, she's beautiful so she's valuable."
Oh! More wrong thinking! Again, I'm letting others determine my value when that's been God's job all along.
It's that dumb cycle again. I get thin, people approve of me, they value me, I suddenly feel valued, and my worth and value is based on my appearance.
I know it's wrong!!! I know it, I know it, I know it! That's why I'm taking the time to write out my thought patterns tonight- so I can identify where my thinking is warped. It all starts when I let others put a price tag on me. I can't let others determine my worth and value! My value is in who I am in Christ, not who the world says I am...the world gets it wrong every time! The world says, "Rachelle has chubby thighs and saddle bags, so she's not worth anything," or, "Rachelle isn't nearly as outgoing and bubbly as she should be, so she's not as valuable as the other girls."
Yeah, those of you who know me may be thinking, oh, but I've always valued Rachelle! (at least that's my hope...)
But the rest of the world probably finds me inferior next to most girls.
Hold a picture of my hips and thighs next to a photo of Megan Fox and one word comes to mind: INFERIOR!
Compare my personality to the rest of my friends and you'll know what I mean: Hmmmm, how should we describe Rachelle? Boring, shy, quiet, not talkative enough.
So the world is hard on girls like me. And that's why I can't let the world tell me how valuable I am- there just gonna tell me a big fat lie!
How do I know the world is lying?
Because God says otherwise!!! His Word is the Truth! He tells me in His Word that I am loved and beautiful, and there is no flaw in me! (Song of Solomon 4:7)
He says I am of great worth and value, and that I am a masterpiece! (Ephesians 2:10)
So yes, I'm probably the heaviest weight I've been in my entire life, but that doesn't change my TRUE worth or my value (yes, it certainly changes my value in the world's eyes- we can't deny that). But the world does not have the right to steal my joy, my happiness, and my confidence. I am confident in Christ and who God has made me! I refuse to base my identity on my outward appearance and my weight!
...my weight may go up and down, but my worth and value stays always the same.
~For all the daughters of The King:
Proverbs 31
A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman (that's us!!!)-She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls...Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised! (Yay!)
-Amplified Bible
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