The road goes on

I had a fabulous time with my Grandma and my Mom. We dined and shopped, walked and talked, biked and ran, sang and laughed, relaxed and had a total blast! I'll be puting pictures up on my facebook as soon as I can.
I couldn't have asked for a more special way to celebrate and enjoy my 18th birthday.
Though food was a big part of this trip, I pushed past all my worries and allowed myself to enjoy every taste and treat.
My grandma and I have been going to Solvang since I was a little girl, yet we always find something new and exciting in the quaint, little town. This trip, we discovered a Sushi restaurant that was in walking distance from our hotel (actually, you can walk to anything in Solvang; it's that small). After slurping down hot miso soup and green tea, Mom ordered tempura veggies and chicken, Grandma ordered the Phillie roll, and I ordered the best spicy tuna roll I've ever had. We all agreed this was the yummiest dinner (and, surprisingly,least expensive) on our trip. Over all, my dining experience was almost worry free. I ran a few miles each morning to give myself a little more peace of mind as well.

As soon as I returned home, I returned to my old ways. I grabbed a big box of cereal and a jug of milk, and ate until I was sick and threw up. This relapse was to be expected, but I'm back on track now. I'm trying my best to focus on the positive and appreciate the five days I went without a binge or purge. My dad has been super encouraging, and this morning he told me how proud he was of me. "You went five days Rachelle," he said, "you ran a marathon!"

I bought a new journal when I was in Cambria. Not only will it serve as a memento from my trip, but it will also help me in my recovery. Mary told me that by writing down my meal plan and goals, I'm planning not to binge. Instead of plotting to eat the whole kitchen and vomit it all up, I must do the exact opposite and devise a plan to succeed - which would be writing down what I'm putting in my mouth and sticking to Mary's nutrition plan.

Though my suitcase is unpacked and I'm back in my own house, the road trip is far from over. I'm still on the long road to recovery, and my mom and my grandma are still traveling with me. But this time, God is in the driver seat.

Off on a big adventure

I'm heading out for my road trip in just a few minutes! My mom and my grandma are just about as excited as I am. We're going to Cambria, Hearst Castle, and Solvang! This vacation will give me a chance to eat normally again, since I won't be tempted with a kitchen full of binge food, like at home (it's kind of hard to binge in a restaurant). And by having my mom and my grandma with me constantly, purging won't be an option either. So, I have five fun-filled, binge-free, purge-free days to look forward to!

Oh, on Sunday, I was reading "The Last Song" by Nicolas Sparks, and the Lord totally answered my question. I had asked God earlier about self-control, and how I could obtain it. In "The Last Song, the character, Steve, reads Galatians 5:22-23:

" 22But the fruit of the [Holy] Spirit [the work which His presence within accomplishes] is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness,
23Gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self-restraint, continence)."
-from the Amplified Bible

When our lives are guided by the Holy Spirit, we produce the fruit of the spirit.
On my own, I have no self-control; but with the help of the Holy Spirit, having self-control is not such an impossible task.

Setbacks...

I'm writing this post from my mobile phone, sitting in my bathroom, with three empty boxes of cereal at my feet. I am too ashamed to come out at the moment. So, I'll just stay put until I'm ready to apologize to my brothers for eating all their coco crispies, frosted mini wheats, and cinnamon toast crunch. Before this little incident, I had five good days in a row. Of course, I won't let this hold me back. I still plan on working out, no matter how discouraged I feel. Running always helps me think a bit clearer, and over all, it makes me feel a whole lot better. Working up a nice sweat is kind of like purging for me...not in a bad way, but in a cleansing, healthy way. Having a time of prayer and a good workout both help me get it together when I need a fresh start. Ok, so I couldn't go two weeks without binging. But really, every day that I go without a binge\purge is a victory...so that makes five of them. I'm shooting for ten more victories in the next week and a half. Hopefully I can avoid any kind of disaster before my road trip.

Bulimia makes me crazy!!! whaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

This weekend was interesting. My party was great! Emotionally, I was able to handle the big crowd and enjoy the company of my friends and family.
As far as food went, I was totally satisfied with a reasonable amount of food. Even though not all the food was considered diet foods or "safe", I still enjoyed what I ate without feeling like I had to analyze every little calorie.
Having my family and friends throw me such a nice party meant sooooo much to me. Every person there was so special to me, and everyone's kindness really touched me.

The issues started when the party was over...and I was all alone with the left over desert. It's becoming a habit for me to eat when I'm alone, whether I want to or not.
Though I had a nice piece of cake with everyone else, I still felt the compulsion to stuff my face when no one was around. I took the time to think some of it through. Did I really want to binge without laxatives? Where will all these calories go if I can't purge them. Should I risk eating all this when vomiting might not work?
I considered these questions; but not once did I ask myself: Why do I want to shove all this cake in my mouth? How am I going to feel after all the cake is gone?
Well, I decided I would eat half the pan of cake and try my best to make it all come back up.
Of course, the cake stayed down, and only the water I chugged came up.
So, as crappy as I felt, I continued to binge on cake and other party left-overs the next morning. I made an attempt to restock my laxative supply later that day. Luckily, my parents were watching out for me, and stopped me before I could even reach the drugstore counter.
Now, I have no intentions of using my birthday money to harm myself with laxatives.

My mom and I set new goals, and I'm starting totally fresh this week. I have a road trip to look forward to, so I want to be as healthy as possible for that. My Grandma and my mom are taking me to Solvang, Cambria, Hearst Castle, and a bunch of different tea houses for my birthday! I really, really, really don't want bulimia to ruin our fun. The trip is in two weeks!
Two weeks of healthy, binge-free eating is not going to kill me :-)
With God's help, nothing is too difficult. Besides, He's helped me do it before, so he can help me do it again.

Faith, Faith, Faith

So, yesterday I weighed in at the doctor, and I lost a few pounds (well, more than a few). I have to be completely honest and say that I did this on purpose. Some people were commenting on how I was starting to look a little better; I guess they were trying to encourage me after hearing that I put on five pounds...
Anyway, I got scared, and I restricted my calories and exercised more vigorously than usual to make up for the weight I had put on.
I'm having the hardest time accepting the fact that I HAVE TO get my body mass index up to a healthy level. I know deep down that I can't live the rest of my life underweight...because I'm slowly, but surely deteriorating.
This disorder is so self-destructive, yet I'm hanging on to it because it's what I'm comfortable with- it's familiar. Eating non-diet food and keeping it in my body is still foreign, and still makes me uncomfortable. The thought of putting on weight vs losing weight is even more terrifying.

My dad recently finished a 10 day spiritual fast, drinking only water. When he was having his breakfast this morning, I told him, "I think it takes more faith for me to eat than it does for me to fast." And it's so true! I know exactly what's going to happen when I fast, and I won't have to worry a bit. With eating, I worry because I have that fear of gaining, or not knowing where the weight is going to go (my thighs are my main concern). Right now, I'm freaking out because I don't have a stash of laxatives. I'm having a giant party on Saturday with tons of food, ahhhhhh!
Having my laxative stash has always been my anti-worry fix when it comes to big events (I honestly think I couldn't have gotten through Christmas without it). When I slip up and eat too much, or I get bloated, the laxatives have been what I fall back on. I know they can't get rid of every single calorie, but they have been such a comfort (again, they're what's familiar).
Going without the laxatives is a huge test of faith.

I'm going to have to put every ounce of trust in God this weekend!

Trust= Triumph

Hey everyone!
I've gone a whole week without a binge/purge!!!
I have had to put every ounce of trust in the Lord this week. It's also taken tremendous faith to stick with the food plan and believe I wouldn't turn into the flab monster.
My mom and I had a blast over the weekend. Going out to eat was a huge test, and has always made me uncomfortable. But I was able to order sushi without freaking out!
The best thing was...I ENJOYED IT! I prayed earlier that the Lord would take away any feelings of guilt and fear about what I was feeding my body.
I am sooo blessed to have a nutritionist who I can trust to get me to a healthy place. Mary's support has been such a humongous gift!
I weighed in at her office yesterday, and to my surprise, I didn't gain any weight. CRAZY!!!
Even with all the carbs in the food plan, I was still just maintaining my weight.

In trusting that God designed my body to handle healthy amounts of food, this week has been panic-free. I still had my doubts at times, and my fair share of insecurities, but this week has really been an encouragement.

OHHH! And my Grandma will be happy to hear that I put on a few lbs while she was away in Europe. She's getting back tonight!!!!

Heart Doctor

This past week has been quite the roller-coaster ride.
Tuesday started with a 3:00 am binge that went on until 7:00 at night.
I was miserable throughout the whole stupid thing. In fact, I broke down emotionally and took at double dose of cold medicine to knock myself out. I told my mom that I was tired of living, so I went into a drug-induced slumber, hoping I would be able to stop eating when I awoke.
It only got worse.
I threw a total tantrum when my mom made me hand over the jar of peanut butter I had found the night before. She said she would be happy to make me a peanut butter sandwich, but refused to let me eat the whole jar. My dad came in the kitchen and offered to make us both PB&H sandwiches. My dad and I ate together while watching the evening news, and the urge to continue to binge subsided. After a nice workout, I finally collected my wits, and returned to my structured eating plan for the rest of the week.

I met with Mary, my nutritionist/fitness coach, on Wednesday. We went over strategies to keep me from binging late at night- from painting my nails, to climbing in bed with my mom; anything to distract me from thoughts of food, food and more food.
Later that day, I met with my therapist, Judy. We dove into the past as we poured over old photo albums of me and my family. She was intrigued with how I was able to tell when I was happy in a photo. "I can see it in my eyes, and in my face," I told her. We also talked about different levels of self control when it came to binging and purging. She asked me to rate my self control on a scale of one to ten- one being totally in control of my actions and behaviors, and ten not being able to stop a binge. I told her it seemed that I was always either at a one, or suddenly at a ten; there was no in between. Judy explained that, though it may seem like a sudden snap may occur, I should be able to stop and think for a moment. This would give me a chance to rate my self control, and bring it back down to one. She also asked me to be aware of my thoughts during those in between times of one and ten.
A five would be the stage where I start to plan a time to binge. If I can be aware of those thoughts, I may be able to scale down towards a one before I head towards a six or seven (at this stage, I would be stashing the binge food).

After my counseling session, my mom and I had a nice chunk of time alone in the car together. I reflected on a talk I had on Sunday with a healed anorexic named Karen. Karen was happy to share a bit of her journey and some of the tools she used in her recovery. She drew me a diagram of a heart with blanks on the inside, then drew a circle around it. "If we had a heart doctor open us up, he would be able to fill these blanks with hurts and pains. What we tend to do is cover them up with something we can control- our weight, what we eat, how we exercise. That's what the circle represents," she explained. "Now, we can't go digging these hurts up with a shovel; we have to let God bring them to the surface. That is when we can deal with these issues. Let God be the heart doctor."
Earlier Wednesday morning, I had prayed that God would reveal something that had hurt me. I tried and tried to think of it on my own, but after my talk with Karen, I knew that the Lord would bring it up at just the right moment.
And He did!
As my mom and I sat in the car, I finally told her about events that took place back when I was going to private school. My mind had always pushed these events aside, and I hadn't realized how much it all affected me. The thought of sharing with my parents about how I had been harassed sexually had always made me uncomfortable. But after releasing what I had kept inside for so long, I suddenly felt lighter. Later that night, my parents and I prayed together, and I was able to forgive several guys for the way they treated me. The Lord lifted that burden from my heart- it had gotten way to heavy after over a year.

I still have more "heart blanks" to fill in, but I know God can reveal those pains and hurts to me if I am willing to trust him.
He is my heart doctor.