Bye Bye Bulimia

New Perspectives, New Freedom

2011-11-17T20:37:00.000-08:00

Hello my wonderful readers. Thanks again for your messages on facebook; they all mean so much to me, and I'm so grateful for all the support =] Especially my Mercy sisters!!!! I love each and every one of you lovely ladies!!!!

So, this morning I has a 102 degree fever, and felt like the epitome of CRAP!
Now I'm feeling well enough to sit up and type, but I've still been bed ridden all day.

I'm hoping and praying that I feel ok enough to see the Twilight Breaking Dawn premier tonight- I had my tickets bought waaaayyyyyy ahead of time. Maybe I'll just wrap up in a couple blankets and hide a thermos of tea and honey in my purse. I CANT MISS BREAKING DAWN, PART ONE!!!!!!

Hey, all you Twilight haters out there...QUIT HATING!!!!!
You simply don't appreciate the beauty of a vampire, human, werewolf love triangle!

Ok, off the Twilight subject for now. I've gained a whole new perspective on my eating, and it's been super freeing! Ready for it? Here it is:
Eat when you're hungry, and stop when you're full.
Now, for those of you who have always eaten normally, you may be thinking "DUH!"
But this is totally new for me. I've been dieting [eating according to man-made rules] for years and years and years! To hear that I could eat what my body wants- even if its a slice of pizza or a peanut butter and honey sandwich- is astounding to me! It's the real way of eating; listening to my body, feeding it what it needs, and stopping when it's full.
I haven't been eating according to my bodies cues, I've been eating according to rules, rules, and more rules.

Here's the rule I followed when I was five: you must hide your food so it looks like you finished your meal. You are only a "good-girl" if you eat all your food.

Here's the rule I followed when I was a pre-teen: Get the food while you can, because there may not be any left later. Take as much food as you can before your dad and your brothers do! Use your survival instincts! In this house, you snooze, you lose!

Here are the rules I followed in highschool: You must only eat a yogurt and rice cake snacks for lunch. You may not eat between the hours of 2pm and 5pm, or you will gain weight. No carbs at dinner- you will gain weight. If you binge, you may not eat lunch for an entire week, only tea. If you cheat, no eating for the next three days!

The rules got more and more strict: You may not skip a workout. You must run three miles a day and tone a major muscle group or your metabolism may slow down. You may not consume a carbohydrate of any kind; breads and pastas are strictly off limits. You must eliminate all types of fat in your diet. Fats make you fat. No eating after 7pm. Sweets, and sugars are forbidden. If you gain weight, you are a failure.

How miserable do these rules sound? My life revolved around Anorexic rules, diet rules, workout regimens, health rules...no wonder I had a nervous break down!

Mercy Ministries helped me eliminate these dieting rituals...but we still ate according to the clock, and what health professionals had to say. And let me tell you, we girls at Mercy had to go by a LOT of food rules.

Here are some of the Mercy food rules: You must have a serving of vegetables or fruit [it later evolved to 2 servings]. You must have a palm size of protein- no more, no less! You may have one icecream scoop of rice or mashed potatoes. You may not skip a food group! You may only have sweets on the weekend, or cake when there is a birthday. You may have a maximum of 10oz of frozen yogurt at the mall.
Girls with an anorexic background had to be especially monitored. We HAD to eat every scrap of food on our plates, and we were forced to eat when we were not hungry [required snack] between meals, or we would receive a discipline- an extra chore during the week.

Yes, Mercy Ministries and their counseling program helped me immensely, but the program did not set me up for a life of normal, rule-free eating. At Mercy, I was trained to eat everything on my plate, even if I was beyond full; I was trained to eat between meals, and to eat according to the clock, not according to my stomach.
I left Mercy still a bit confused about how to eat like a normal human being.

A few months after my Mercy graduation, I fell back into diet rules and regulations, restricting carbs and stuffing myself with veggies and fruit. Eventually my body cried out for the fat, sugar, and carbs that I had deprived it of, and I went into full on binge-mode.
The binge/restrict cycle began again...and this time I was overweight vs. underweight, so my self hatred grew even more.

This is from a post a few weeks ago; I never published it, so it was saved as a draft. This shows where my mindset was and how frustrated dieting had made me.

"Hey everyone!
So the past couple of weeks, I have not been in close communication with many of my accountability peeps. This has really caused me to try a lot of drastic things in order to lose weight- all which have failed. I gained four pounds on weight watchers online [don't ask me how]. And I've lost around 14 pounds on HCG, then gained 4 more pounds back after binging all weekend long.
Hmmmmmm...
sounds like the same old cycle, huh?

Restrict, binge, try a new diet, fail, spend $400 on more diet stuff, lose a few pounds, gain some back- this all ends in total frustration and I'm left feeling stuck.

So here's my question: how am I supposed to lose weight without going on a diet?
I know I've lost weight before- a dangerous amount of weight. And living the anorexic lifestyle was a living hell for me...
BUT I WANT TO LOSE WIGHT SOOOOOOOO BAD. I can't even express to you how I long to be skinny again. I sometimes cry myself to sleep over mourning my old, beautiful body, a body I spent years sculpting and punishing until it was finally perfect.
I miss walking through the mall and getting double takes, or having a guy insist he help me out with my groceries. I miss the giddy feeling all the attention brought me. I miss being able to fit into whatever I wanted, not having to worry if a skirt was too tight or if I wouldn't be able to button a pair of jeans all the way.
I'm tired about worrying about food, and my weight. Will this ever end?"

I had been crying out to the Lord about my food worries, asking Him if I will ever be able to eat like a normal person.
The Lord knew just how to reach me.
My mom had been packing up her library, when I stumbled upon a book called, The Weigh Down Diet. My first thought was, "Oh boy! A diet book!" But when I read the back, I discovered that it was a Christian book. Not only that, but the main focus of the book was to break the bondage of dieting for good!
I immediately dove into the first chapter. The book is written and narrated by a cute southern woman named Gwen Shamblin. Gwen started out by sharing her story about being consumed by diets, weight worries, and food. She was even a licensed dietition and she still struggled with her weight! She then started to share how the Lord set her free. The answers were not in the man-made dietary rules, but in the Bible! There are so many food related verses in the Bible, and they are there to set us free! One verse even says that no food is "unclean," so I shouldn't worry if a food is a non-diet food; if it's what my body is calling for, then I should let my body have it.
People who have applied the Bible-based principles of this book to their lives have lost a tremendous amount of weight, and have been restored to a healthy, natural weight. They are simply eating the way God intended for us all to eat.

God designed my body (Psalm 135), so I can trust that it will let me know when to eat, what to eat, and how much to eat.
I'm also learning to discern between heart/head hunger, and true stomach hunger. Only God can satisfy the hunger and longing for comfort in my heart- comfort food can't really comfort, in the end, we just want more.
Food doesn't go to the heart, it just gos to the stomach.
I've learned that I've made food an idol in my life. I've run to food, I've worried about food, I've been per-occupied with food. I've depended on food and diets instead of depending on God.
I'm halfway through the book, and I'm sure God has much more to show me.

A week ago, my dad and I talked about and prayed through a hurt that happened to me after my freshman year of high school. This hurt was a root of a lot of rejection and fear- fear that I would never be good enough for any guy. I had never told anyone about this hurt, and my dad was the perfect person to open up to. I told him how I feared I would never find a husband because there are girls out there that are skinnier than me, more outgoing than me, and prettier than me.
My dad assured me that my future husband is going to love ME because I'm ME. He's gonna be head over heals for me, and I will be more than beautiful enough for him. My dad let me cry on his shoulder as he prayed for me- he cried too! I finally let out the hurt and pain I had been storing up for years, and I suddenly felt a strong resolve come over me. "I'll be right back, there's something I have to do,"I said as I ran to my room. I swung open my closet doors and grabbed bottle after bottle of diet liquid, and diet pills. "No more bondage!" I yelled. I dumped the contents of every single bottle down the toilet, hit flush a few times, then ran out into the pouring rain to smash the bottles in the dumpster.
I wiped my feet on the mat, shut the door behind me and smiled;
"I did it," I whispered.

Giving Up Control

2011-08-30T13:56:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!
So, my last post was a bit dark; but I'm happy to say that things are looking up.

Life has been so CRAZY! During the last few months, I've had to deal with losing our house, and my family not being able to make ends meet.
I immediately tried to take matters into my own hands, thinking if my parents can't get us out of this mess, then I guess its up to me.

I started a skincare business with Arbonne International. While things are going well with the business, I hadn't realized all the work and stress that would come along with starting something so new and foreign to me as a job in sales and network marketing.
Let me tell you, selling makeup and skincare in NOT as simple as it sounds...and definitely not as easy.
I went into the company thinking I would be able to move up right away; after all, my up-line made it sound so easy. What she didn't mention was all the phone calls I would have to make.
PHONE CALLS?
I HATE talking to people on the phone. It's my WORST fear!
And that's what most of this business is: making phone calls in order to book parties, place orders, follow up with clients, and tell people about the business opportunities.
In order to move up in this business, I would have to be on the phone 24/7. I would never be able to leave work! That's the problem I have with home-based businesses- when I'm at home, I'm at work! How miserable is that?

So yeah, I've found a way to make Arbonne totally fun and enjoyable now: Parties!!! I set up all my beautiful make up and skincare products at a hostess's house, do a product demo, get orders, and make a profit off the sales from the party. That's simple enough for me to still be enjoyable.
Anything else, I'm crossing the line! No more sitting at a booth for hours, just to get a couple phone numbers of "possible" clients who "might" be interested. That kind of thing is not for me! Making phone calls to almost complete strangers, then getting hung up on...yeah, not for me.

Ok, enough about the Arbonne Biz.

So I've been under HUGE stress and constant worry about our house and finances. Since the house thing is something that I can't help, I suddenly felt like my world was falling apart. If it had been my fault, I actually would have felt better about it.
But it's nothing I did, and now there's nothing I can do.
Isn't that the worst feeling in the world?!
I've spent the last 3 months feeling completely helpless, and out of control.
I wanted to take back control SO bad! I wanted to make everything alright. I wanted to put our family back together. I wanted to save our house, somehow, some way. I wanted to fix it all.

I didn't want change to happen.
...But God did.
He knew if we stayed where we were, we would be stuck, both financially and spiritually. My dad and I would be frantically trying our hardest to make money in a place where opportunity is slim. My mom would be stuck working her stressful sales job, while my brothers are lonely doing school at home. And we would be living in a town that I really didn't like to begin with.

And I didn't want change...

Change can be the best, yet scariest thing in the world.

When I was a little girl, someone asked me if I would rather be blind or deaf. I anwered, "I would much rather be deaf, that way I could at least see where I'm going."
I guess I've always felt like I needed to see exactly where I was going, and where life was taking me next; never wanting to close my eyes, afraid I might lose sight of what's ahead.
But sometimes, it's best to be that blind girl- to close my analytical eyes, and to open my ears to what God has to say.

"You don't have to worry about your future, Rachelle. You don't have to see everything to believe that what I have for you is good. You don't have to bend the road, it's already perfect. Trust Me. Follow Me blind, it's more of an adventure that way. Follow my voice, not your eyes."

He's leading me to some pretty wild places, places I would never think of on my own; but that's exactly how He works. When I give control to Him, He takes me farther than i could imagine, deeper than I could ever dream, and higher than what would ever seem possible.

To be continued...

Does it ever end?

2011-08-13T19:10:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how discouraged I am right now.

How could I go back when I promised myself, my family, and God that I wouldn't?

So I went back...waaayyyyy back, so far back that I can't give details (though previous posts have been rather graphic). It's shameful to think that so many young ladies look up to me now, and here I am back in that hideous binge/purge/diet/restrict pattern again.

I'm stuck.

I need help.

I'm not hiding anymore.

No more secrets, no more lies, no more deception.

I want this to end once and for all!

I need God to come to my rescue; I need friends to stand by my side; I need family to support and encourage me; and I know it all starts with me reaching out for help.
So, this is me reaching out for help.
There has got to be a miracle out there for me- that's what it's gonna take to get me out of the deepest pit I've ever been in.

"But when [Rachelle] cried out to the Lord for help, the Lord raised up a rescuer to save [her]." Judges 3:9

Vacation Blues

2011-05-30T19:47:00.000-07:00

Grrrrrr!!!!
Why do I binge every time I go on vacation???!!!
Yeah, so as you all have noticed...I LOVE FOOD!
And vacation food is just ohhhhh soooooo tempting and yummy. I think most people struggle with over eating when they go on vay-cay, but I take it much more seriously. I know all the physiological and emotional issues behind over eating and binging, yet I still do it. It FEELS good.

...and now, I feel gross.

but good news: no purging or laxatives were involved; just a whole lot of chocolate, ice cream and french fries.

Can I be honest with all 'yall?
I feel just about as chubby, fat, and unattractive as I did three years ago, before I went all crazy with the weight loss programs and all that crap.
I don't- I repeat- don't want to fall back into that cycle. I hated dieting, restricting, and the constant worry of gaining weight. I hate the weight, size, and shape I am now; but I can't do anything about it without going back down that road again. I'm caught between a crappy rock and a hard place, dang it!
I just wanna be thin again!!!!!!!!!!

But then I must wonder...why??? Why do I want desperately to be thin again? Why is that suddenly my goal in life?
Man, it's soooo easy to put my security in my outward appearance rather than who God says I am. And here's why: people can make judgements based on appearance right off the bat. They can say, "oh, she's beautiful so she's valuable."
Oh! More wrong thinking! Again, I'm letting others determine my value when that's been God's job all along.
It's that dumb cycle again. I get thin, people approve of me, they value me, I suddenly feel valued, and my worth and value is based on my appearance.

I know it's wrong!!! I know it, I know it, I know it! That's why I'm taking the time to write out my thought patterns tonight- so I can identify where my thinking is warped. It all starts when I let others put a price tag on me. I can't let others determine my worth and value! My value is in who I am in Christ, not who the world says I am...the world gets it wrong every time! The world says, "Rachelle has chubby thighs and saddle bags, so she's not worth anything," or, "Rachelle isn't nearly as outgoing and bubbly as she should be, so she's not as valuable as the other girls."
Yeah, those of you who know me may be thinking, oh, but I've always valued Rachelle! (at least that's my hope...)
But the rest of the world probably finds me inferior next to most girls.
Hold a picture of my hips and thighs next to a photo of Megan Fox and one word comes to mind: INFERIOR!
Compare my personality to the rest of my friends and you'll know what I mean: Hmmmm, how should we describe Rachelle? Boring, shy, quiet, not talkative enough.

So the world is hard on girls like me. And that's why I can't let the world tell me how valuable I am- there just gonna tell me a big fat lie!

How do I know the world is lying?

Because God says otherwise!!! His Word is the Truth! He tells me in His Word that I am loved and beautiful, and there is no flaw in me! (Song of Solomon 4:7)
He says I am of great worth and value, and that I am a masterpiece! (Ephesians 2:10)

So yes, I'm probably the heaviest weight I've been in my entire life, but that doesn't change my TRUE worth or my value (yes, it certainly changes my value in the world's eyes- we can't deny that). But the world does not have the right to steal my joy, my happiness, and my confidence. I am confident in Christ and who God has made me! I refuse to base my identity on my outward appearance and my weight!
...my weight may go up and down, but my worth and value stays always the same.

~For all the daughters of The King:
Proverbs 31
A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman (that's us!!!)-She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls...Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised! (Yay!)
-Amplified Bible

Blessing vs. Cursing

2011-05-15T22:01:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone!
I've been praying and fasting for almost a week straight now (and when I say fasting, I don't necessarily mean food, but worldly influences and things that would draw me away from the Lord),and the Lord has already shown me some "whys" concerning the pain in my heart. He's shown me why unforgiveness creates such a freakin' deep hole in our souls!
Take a moment to think about unforgiveness...
now, think about what you think when harboring unforgiveness toward someone...

Let's say I can't forgive someone (well, I always can...but say I just don't want to), the thoughts that I have toward that person aren't positive. In fact, unforgiveness causes me to wish harm or misfortune upon those I chose not to forgive. I may think, "I hope they get what they deserve," or, "I hope ____ would happen to them." These are thoughts of revenge and payback for what these people did to me.

A few days ago, I was worshiping in my bathroom while putting on my makeup (Shout out to Bare Minerals! *Whoop Whoop!*), when the Lord spoke to my heart. He prompted me to start blessing people.
I thought, OK...where are you going with this Lord???
Instantly, the Lord put two people in my mind- two guys who had hurt me, and who I thought I had already forgiven. Then I started resisting; I didn't want to bless these people, they had HURT me!!!
That's when the realization smacked me in the head: I still hadn't forgiven them; I didn't want them to be blessed. In fact I wanted quite the opposite- but I'll get to that in a minute...
So I started blessing these guys. I spoke a blessing out loud, a blessing of life, prosperity, and abundance. I suddenly felt something in me change! I felt God doing a work in my soul as I spoke that blessing! That hole in my heart from being rejected by those boys was being "bound up" and healed! (Psalm 147:3)

The Lord then began to show me that holding unforgiveness had the opposite effect of speaking blessings. What's the opposite of a blessing???
A CURSE.
I thought, whoa God! Cursing? Really? That's so...out there, like in the witchcraft category.
But, again, when we don't want to forgive someone, deep down inside we hope that something awful would happen to them- something to get them back for the pain they caused us.
So this afternoon, I looked up the definition for the word "curse," and what I found just about floored me!
Ready?

Curse
noun /kərs/
curses, plural

1. A solemn utterance intended to invoke a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on someone or something

2. A cause of harm or misery

3. An offensive word or phrase used to express anger or annoyance

Whoa! Pretty intense stuff, right?
Take a good look at that first definition and think back to a time when you harbored unforgiveness against someone. Can you remember making any "solemn utterances?" Something like, "I can't believe they did that to me," or, "I never want to talk to her again after what she said."
I sure can recall my fair share of these solemn utterances. And they don't even have to be out loud! I remember something Joyce Meyer said in one of her teachings: "If it's going on in your mind, then it's going on!"
We may not realize it, but we curse people in our own heads. We wish harm upon them in our minds. I know I've told myself, "but I don't really wish that for them." But the truth is: Thoughts are real! If I wish it in my mind, then I really do wish it!

Let's take the supernatural part of that definition; it says our utterances intend to invoke a supernatural power to inflict harm or punishment on someone. Now, not everyone who holds unforgiveness believes in a supernatural power, because not everyone in the world is spiritual or religious. But, your average American does believe in fate, chance, or luck. So, an unbeliever would want fate to turn against that person who had hurt him. Anyone who holds unforgiveness wishes some higher power would punish those who did them wrong. That's the nature of a curse.

So here's were it gets a little interesting:
Since curses involve the supernatural, unforgiveness suddenly opens the door to the (you guessed it) supernatural! And, since there are only two powers in the supernatural realm- the Heavenly and the Demonic- guess what force is backing the curses we utter in our minds...the DEMONIC!
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
oh, wait, don't get too scared now =] Because greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world! (1 John 4:4) -That's my comfort scripture =]

Ok, so the curses in our minds open the door to the demonic and give demonic forces a right to affect our minds; and our minds are a part of our soul! Curses allow the devil to create wounds in our souls! This is why unforgiveness is sooooooo nasty! It attracts evil like a magnet.

But there's super awesome good news!!!! Guess what attracts heavenly power???
BLESSINGS!!!!! Yay!
Check it out: our blessings allow the Lord's power to come and heal up those wounds that our unforgiveness caused! We wish good upon those who have hurt us instead of wishing harm, and suddenly that good begins to permeate our hearts. Try to picture the angles in heaven when they suddenly hear us uttering blessings instead of curses; they would say, "Yes! She opened the door for us to minister to her! Now the Holy Spirit can come in, do His thing, and heal her broken heart!"
Not only that, but the power that is backing our blessings is MUCH greater than the power backing our curses. This means that the Holy Spirit is also driving away the demonic when we speak blessings! Those dumb demons will run off with their tails between their legs when we start blessing those who have hurt us.

So we've basically covered the first two deffinitions; but I want to make a point about the last one. A swear word is often called a curse. Why do we yell curse words? To express Anger!!! Grrrrr!!! "&%#$!" "$%&#!" "@%#$!"

Anger often accompanies unforgivess. I remember being soooooo angry about being ignored by those two guys. I remember thinking, "How could he ignore me after being so infatuated with me earlier? How dare he give all his attention to that other girl! I've worked way too hard on this body to go unnoticed!" My anger welled up more and more, and the curses started to flow in the dialogue of my mind: I hope he has a miserable life! I hope he crashes in that stupid car as he drives away without saying goodbye! That jerk!
Anger and unforgiveness go hand in hand.

I want to share a story with you about the unforgiveness I held against my brother as a child. I convinced myself that I hated my bother when I was young. Being autistic, he demanded most of my mother's attention, and I often felt alone, unwanted, and unimportant. I would lash out at him in physical violence, kicking, elbowing, tripping, punching, jabbing- anything to stop him from stealing my mother away. Not only was I physically abusive towards him, but I was also verbally abusive. I remember poking my head into his room and muttering under my breath, "I hate you," trying to make the words sound as sinister as possible (of course, how sinister could a seven year old little girl sound?).
I held deep unforgiveness toward my brother and cursed him practically every day of my young life; you can imagine the festering wound this created in my heart.

Working through this issue with my counselor at Mercy was the greatest breakthrough I experienced. I lifted my hurt and my pain to the Lord and asked Him to forgive me for being abusive toward my brother, and I also forgave my brother for the hurt he caused me, knowing that he didn't intend to hurt me at all. I forgave my mother for leaving me on my own as a child- this too was not intended, and I forgave her for the emotional pain this left.
Then, the Lord gave me a vision, a vision more beautiful than I could have ever imagined:
As soon as I was done praying, the Lord gave me a picture of my mom in the hospital. She was crying with her forhead resting against the glass of an incubator...and I was inside. I could see I was hooked up to a bunch of wires and monitors, and I could hear the sounds of the machines beeping along with my mother's sobs. The Lord spoke to me then and said, "Rachelle, she wants you." I was suddenly shown another picture of my Mom with tears streaming down her face, holding me tightly, rocking me back and forth while I was still hooked up to the machines; I could even see the iv in my head. The Lord spoke to my heart again, "You're mother is scared, Rachelle; she's afraid she'll loose you. She wants you to live; she values your life. Your mother loves you, SHE WANTS YOU!"
When the vision was over, I burst out in hysteric sobs. I told my counselor how I had been born 2 months early, and had a very slim chance of surviving. I couldn't imagine how terrified my mother could have been during this time, but the Lord let me know that she certainly didn't want to let me go.
This vision erased all the lies about being unloved, unwanted, and unimportant as a child. My mom does love me, she does value me, and she WANTS me!

I wanted to use that story to illustrate the power of forgiveness, and blessing. I had to make a deliberate choice to bless my brother and my mom, and the pain in my heart made it the more difficult choice; but choosing to bless instead of curse allows the Lord to work in wonderful, marvelous, and mighty ways.

"I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live
and may love the Lord your God, obey His voice, and cling to Him."
Deuteronomy 30:19-20 (Amplified Bible)

My Achy Breaky Heart

2011-05-05T20:15:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone!
It's been a while, huh? And a lot has happened since my last post, but honestly, I'm pretty sure it's all been in my head. Circumstances haven't changed much, but my mindset certainly has.
Luckily, Mercy has trained me to take thoughts captive and turn them around; but I've been a little careless lately, letting old thoughts roll around in my noggin like marbles in one of those collector's tins. (my little bro has one of those on his shelf) =]
What's worse is that I've let these thoughts manifest into words, and eventually, into behaviors.
OK, here's a little peek inside my un-renewed mind.
Ewwwww, my cellulite is back; what has Mercy done to me? Look at me, I'm huge?
or
I wish I had never gone to Mercy in the first place; at least I had the perfect model-sized body; I could have had so many opportunities, but now I'm fat and I can't do anything and will never amount to anything. I'll never be able to have a relationship with these thighs- what a turn-off!
or
Yummmm, that junk food looks sooooo good. I've had a hard day at work; I deserve it more than anyone in this house; I deserve to have it all! I don't care, I'm already fat.
*Food disappears*
Oh crap. Now I'm never going to lose weight; I am such a failure...
*Rachelle spends day sulking*

Yeah, so binging has crept it's way back in through my reckless thought life. I spent 3 solid days binging on whatever I could grab and hide in my room.
And I hated every minute of those 72 hours. I hated how all I cared about was food, and hoping that the pain I was feeling in my heart would finally subside. Food is a temporary remedy for inward pain. A few bites of chocolate, bread, cheese, sugar- what ever kind of food your soul desires- and suddenly the pain is gone. A few more bites, and suddenly the FOOD is gone...and the pain returns with guilt as its new companion.
This is how binging works- we know it, I know it, I've written many times about it in previous posts; yet this behavior still comes back to haunt me.
WHY?!!!

Here's why:
I'm still hurting.

From what?
I really don't know. But my heart still feels like it's aching.
There's a wound deep inside, and I'm subconsciously trying to bind it up with food and achieving a perfect appearance (notice the two don't go together well).
Honestly, I couldn't lose weight even if I tried because, 1- my body is MESSED UP from past behaviors, and 2- my heart hurts too bad.
Can I really give up binge food and give the real Healer a chance?

Duh! It says in His Word that Jesus can bind up all wounds (Psalm 147:3).
I'm tossing out the fatty, carb-laden, sugar-drenched food, and giving Jesus another shot!
Hey, I have nothing left to lose...
except maybe some water-weight.
=]

Little Miss Perfect

2011-03-25T13:04:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!
What a perfect day to wrap up in my snuggie and write on my blog. Not only is the weather NASTY out there, but the family bus (aka the 12 year old Ford expedition) has broken down- well, after going to and from South Dakota, LA, Sacramento, Napa Valley, and God knows where else, year after year, road trip after road trip, my motor would probably break down too.

So, many of you know that I am the ultimate perfectionist. I've been this way for practically my whole life. As a little girl, I believed that a good girl was a perfect girl; anything less than perfect was inferior and could not be tolerated. My life was all about the extremes (and I still catch myself when I enter this mindset). If I'm not perfect, then I must be a terrible person, an undeserving person, a person with little worth or value.
LIES!
My worth and value is not based on my performance, dang it! It's based on who God says I am, and who He made me to be! He's the only one who knows my true value; no other person can determine that!

Again, I had to put myself in check yesterday. Let me tell you, being a Starbucks barista is not as glamorous as it looks from a customer's point of view. Yesterday was my first day on the floor without my training coach, and also my first day on the register. I was scared out of my mind, and I probably looked that way too; customers were not afraid to let me know that I was incompetent, slow, and apparently ruining their day. Give me a break! So I couldn't find the freakin' toffee-nut syrup button; you try and work this thing! Just try and ring up a "venti, triple shot, non-fat, no-foam, 4 pumps sugar-free vanilla, 2 splenda, 1 sweet and low, Latte... Oh wait, I think I'm going to indulge- today's my son's birthday, can I get whipped cream on that?"
You see what I mean?
Try a whole impatient line of these demanding customers! And no, they don't want just drinks; they want zucchini muffins, cranberry walnut scones, salted caramel squares, egg and ham breakfast sandwiches- warmed up, but not too warm, old fashioned doughnuts, rocky road cake pops, asiago cheese bagels with 3 extra cream cheese packets (as if they weren't getting enough fat calories already). Oh, and speaking of calories, one girl (who resembled the former, anorexic Rachelle) decided to give me a lecture on why we should carry our peppermint syrup in a sugar free form. "You know, we could be preventing obesity and type 2 diabetes."
Ugh...
In the words of Charlie Brown: "Good Grief!"

There's really no such thing as a perfect customer, and there's really no such thing as a perfect barista either. We all make mistakes, we all drive people a little insane at times, but you know what? It's totally ok. That's what makes Starbucks...well, Starbucks. We don't say to our customers, "Oh, you're high maintenance and annoying, will you please exit through those doors?" NO! We don't turn anyone away (unless he or she is standing there with an AK 47 or a machete in hand). Notice, my shift supervisor didn't steam with anger, or say "Rachelle, you're never going to learn, are you?!" Starbucks encourages grace; I love that! Sure, I'm not the perfect barista, but each shift I learn something new and I get a bit faster, whether the customers or my manager notices it or not.
My value is not changed if I have a hard day at the register, if I cause foam to fly into the air when I'm steaming soy milk, or miss the cinnamon dolce sprinkles on a customers drink. I apologize by saying, "I'm so sorry, can I try again?"
And I try again.
All the while, God is watching me in love.
When I mess up in life and I bring my mistakes to the Lord, He is gracious and merciful. He says, "Thank you for apologizing my child. You are forgiven. Now try again."
He is looking down with a proud smile on His face. "Look at my girl! She's getting back up! She's trying again!
And she's not giving up!"

A Second Chance at Life

2011-03-15T12:20:00.000-07:00

Hi, Hi, Hi!
It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted anything...life has just been too dang exciting!!!
Yeah, it's still been a challenge, and I'm still working through some icky stuff, but my God is a God of second chances! I don't have to live my life as a victim, or a failure; instead, I'm a victor and an overcomer!

So, updates- where to begin? Oh, I started my job (Starbucks!), I started driving (I passed my permit test with one wrong answer to spare, haha), and I started my period! As you can imagine, it's been a looooooong time since my body's been healthy enough to go through it's monthly cycle. Yesterday was my first full-on period in years! God totally knows the desires of my heart, and one of those desires is to have children of my own...along with a somkin' hot husband. =]

Ok, Funny Story of the Week:
My stupid idiot of a dog, Frodo, has been driving me insane! He must take the phrase "Mi casa es su casa" literally, because he is not afraid to mark his territory. The foot of my bed is his absolute favorite place to relieve himself, leaving me with a wet, stinky mess and a giant load of laundry...every day! I had had it with this dog; so with a sinister grin on my face, I researched the most humane way to poison a canine. I stumbled upon an article about avocados. Apparently, avocados are toxic to dogs when ingested. PERFECT! There was a plate of sliced avocado in the fridge! Frodo was siting out on the deck, attached to his leash when I brought him his "treats." Frodo, do you like avocado? He sniffed the plate for about two seconds, then lost interest. You really are retarded! Avocado is only the most delicious food on this planet! I tried shoving a slice in his mouth. Eat the dang avocado! ...No luck.
I suddenly remembered Frodo's weakness: cheese! I got out a few string cheeses, four crackers, and mushed the avocado into a green paste. Then, placing my avocado spread and cheese atop the stone wheat crackers, I created Frodo's hors d'oeuvres of death. Without any reluctance, Frodo ate every last crumb.
I went inside to wait out Frodo's fate, hoping whatever happened would be fast and painless. He seemed a bit lethargic and a little out of it, but he certainly didn't seem to be in pain. This just might work... About three hours later, Frodo was lying still in his dog house. DEAR LORD! I actually killed my dog! I was silent the rest of the day, hardly saying a word to anyone. What am I going to tell my family? That I'm a sadistic canine murderer?
Later that evening, I came in the house after a long and vigorous workout to find Frodo alive and well. Either this is a miracle, or I make a crappy killer!
Well, God must have a plan for this pathetic pooch; I guess I'll just have to continue cleaning up pee stains for now.

*Note: If you or someone you know works for the SPCA, please don't report this. I am not a felon, a murderer, or an animal abuser; I am simply an aspiring writer. The events above may have been exaggerated in order to make the story more comical; if you do not enjoy dark humor, then you may not like reading the rest of this blog.
I do not support cruelty to animals, especially cats. I have a kitty whom I love and adore, and I take excellent care of her.
My family has been trying to get rid of Frodo for over a year now, and nobody seems to want this dog. If you would like an insane jack russel terrier who pees and poops on everything in sight, never comes when he is called, and tries to tear other innocent dogs apart...please let me know. No further actions will be taken against this dog, or any other dogs for that matter.

A Mercy Grad!!!

2011-02-21T12:27:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone!!!
I'm home for good now!
I've missed being able to write on this blog; I'll still be giving updates on how life is going after Mercy.
Well, so far so good. I've had a bit of trouble settling in. My Uncle Brad and Aunt Emily came from China to stay at my house, along with their 3 rambunctious children, Emily's Dad (who doesn't speak a word of English) and his wife, June, and their son Issac (who acted as an interpreter).
To make matters even more complicated for a former Anorexic, the Yangs- Emily's side of the family- took over the entire kitchen. Rare red meat, greasy fried rice usually accompanied a meal, as well as foreign soup with a disturbing looking broth with oil floating on the surface. You can imagine the time I had trying to adjust after Mercy's fresh and organic menu.

Food aside, Brad, Emily and their children were a delight to be around. Katrina is the youngest of the three (and probably the most adorable little girl on this planet); Lance and Helen are around the same age, and were adopted at birth. This was Helen's first trip to the United States, and she was our little guest of honor; I had never met her in person before! I had seen Lance a few times before, each time he seems to grow more and more charming.
Now normally, kids aren't really my thing, in fact, I tend to avoid them if at all possible. But these kids gravitated towards me- simply put, they adored me!
We had a blast running around Costco, hopping from one sample table to the next, and doing science experiments together (Chinese children are EXTREMELY intelligent!). Lance even gave me a violin lesson, though my form isn't quite as technically correct as his- I swear, this kid is going to be a musical genius! I managed to learn a variation of twinkle twinkle...a very squeaky twinkle twinkle.
Oh my goodness, Katrina is a crack up! My Grandma told me over the phone that Katrina was the ultimate girlie-girl and loooooved dresses. I said, "I have a feeling we're going to get along." I couldn't be more right. The funniest story is probably when her mother dressed her in a navy blue dress. Katrina comes walking into the room, trying to take off the dress while bellowing," It's so ugly! I can't wear this, IT'S UGLY!!!" Well, at least she has an early knowledge of fashion sense- these things are important to learn at a young age. =]

So, at the moment, I'm job hunting like a mad woman (starbucks being my first choice). Pray that I'm hired soon, soon, soon!!!
Now that my house is back to normal, I've been unpacking, reorganizing, and sprucing up my room a bit.
I've had a difficult time staying in the Word as much as I did at Mercy, but prayer is a habit that has really stuck with me. God has given me such a dose of peace concerning this new chapter of my life. His timing is always, always perfect. He has the perfect job lined up, and I have faith that He is saving that position just for me, because He knows where I will be happiest.

Christmas Break update

2010-12-28T19:40:00.000-08:00

"I HATE MY BODY, I HATE MY BODY, I HATE MY BODY!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH"
~This is what I was screaming into my pillow less than an hour ago.

Well, I've only had a few breakdowns this Christmas break, and they are all related to my new body and not being able to fit into my clothes anymore. I can honestly say that gaining weight is the only thing that I regret about going to Mercy. I'm so glad that they work through inner issues as well, and get to the roots of the behaviors. They don't just fix the behavior, like most treatment centers, but they yank up the roots, and help girls receive healing from the Lord. I can't tell you how horrible it would be to go into a treatment center just to have them fatten me up and send me on my way.
Sure, Mercy has fattened me up, but they have also given me tools to walk in victory. Working through counseling, I couldn't believe all the crazy lies I had been believing all my life; these lies were totally holding me in bondage!
The main lie I had believed was that my worth and value was based on what other people thought or said about me. You can imagine what kind of bondage this kept me in; my life was based entirely on performance and my outward appearance...ever since I was a little girl!
I had no idea about my identity in Christ because I was so focused on finding my identity in what others saw in me. I took identity in being the perfect girl [when I made a mistake I was always told that I was a "bad girl"]. Being the perfect girl led to me needing perfect grades, the perfect behavior, and the perfect appearance...which led to me needing the perfect body. Ugh, we know the rest of the story.
Anyway, my worth and value seemed to come from what I did and how I performed. I was a "good girl" when I behaved well, and a "bad girl" when I didn't.
I even struggled with food at the age of five! How I ate even determined my value when I was super young! Again, I was a "good girl" if I ate everything on my plate, and a "bad girl" if I didn't. This caused a habit of food restriction from an early age because I would constantly hide my food under my parents bed so I wouldn't have to eat it. I would get praise and affirmation from my mom and dad when they would see my empty plate, and I would feel like I had worth and value, though deep down I hated eating all my food. I was always the "good girl" and I could never make any mistakes because that would mean I was a terrible person...and terrible people had little worth or value.
This was the lie I lived- the lie that held me in chains.

At Mercy, I learned the Truth. My worth and value is not based on what other people say, but what God says about me. Ok, so it sounds a little corny, but it totally makes sense! God is the only one who truly knows who I am because He's the one who created me! Man can try to tell me who I am based on appearances, but my appearance is just how I appear, it's not who I am. Only God knows who I am, and only He knows my worth and value...and it's written in His Word!
What a freeing discovery! I don't have to strive, and strive, and strive to feel like I'm worth something! God says I am his masterpiece, and I wasn't created to do all these crazy works on my own. I was created to do what He has planned for me, I just have to trust Him. ~Check out Ephesians 2:10

So yes, I have put on a few (or more than a few) pounds over my 5 months at Mercy...but it doesn't make me any less valuable, or any less worthy of love or affection. Before Mercy, I put all my confidence in my outward appearance; and now that perfect appearance is starting to crumble. My thin, Vogue model body is gone; my hair got butchered at the JC Penny Salon; and my designer clothes no longer fit. All of these things that I put my confidence in have wasted away; the only thing left standing at ground zero is Jesus. He is the only thing that will never change, no matter the circumstances. He is the only thing that is constant, reliable, and the only thing that can give me true confidence. He will never fail me; my body may fail me, my metabolism may fail me, hairstylists may fail me, but Jesus never fails.

I can't even describe the kind of savior He has been for me. He has redeemed every thing that I have surrendered to Him, and He has given me more than I can imagine.

I'm up for the Test

2010-11-25T22:23:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone!
Gosh, I can't believe it's been almost 4 months since I left for Mercy!
Well, I'm on pass for this Thanksgiving weekend, so I'm finally able to blog again. At Mercy all the girls are isolated in order to focus on complete recovery and healing.
I started an audio/video journal at Mercy. I've found that it's much easier for me to talk out my feeling, than to write it all out. I'll try my best to post them this weekend, but remember, I'm only here for a few days and I have much to do...and very little time.
I will be home for a much longer break on Dec. 14th! I'll be staying through Jan. 5th!
I plan on posting a bunch of stories (don't worry, no names will be mentioned...it's a confidentiality thing) of my challenges and victories at Mercy.
Until then, I can only say, "I'm not where I should be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" -Joyce Meyer

I love you all!
I couldn't make it through this program if it wasn't for all your prayers!
Thanks so much =]
xoxoxo
~Rachelle Joy

Time to start packing my bags!!!

2010-06-22T17:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I got some unexpected news today! I knew I was going to receive a call from the Mercy Ministries Intake department- we were only going over what I would expect during my stay at one of the homes...if an opening were available in the near future.
I chatted with one of the staff members for about thirty minutes, going over any questions and concerns. As the conversation began to wind down, she paused for a moment. "Well, Rachelle, before I let you go, I wanted to speak with you about one last thing," she said in her friendly, southern voice. "It turns out, we have an opening for you at one of our Mercy Homes! You'll be staying at our Lincoln, California Home, near Sacramento! You have a little over a month to prepare; your scheduled arrival date is July 27th!"

Wow!!! I'm totally stoked with the Lord's timing on this one!!!
I have a lot of planning and preparing (and blood tests,ugh) to do, but I am suuuuupppeeerrrrrr excited that the day is finally in sight!!!!

I'll keep you all posted on the details (what I get to bring, phone calls, letters, ect.) I just printed out my resident guide, and I'm having soooo much fun reading through it!!!
Mercy Ministry's program lasts 6 months...I know...I'll miss you too. =]
Again, I'll be posting more details about visits and that kind of stuff later.

For now, I'm in celebration mode! I'm sure there will be many tears due to homesickness and insecurity, but I know the healing the Lord brings will be worth every moment of fear.

I Have a Hope

2010-06-10T11:42:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! Wow, it's been a while since I've given out an update, and I apologize.
Good news! I am officially finished with high school!!!
I've been super busy with graduation ceremonies, and parties, but I think things are beginning to wind down.
While the numerous social events have taken a toll on my emotional stability, I am happy to say that I did better than I thought I would...much better in fact. This, of course, is a product of endless prayer, and help from the Lord.
Goodness! Just thinking back on all of the decadent desserts that accompanied every party, I'm shocked that no disasters occurred! I'm serious, these parties were loaded with all kinds of goodies that would have fit conveniently in my purse; yet I had my guardian angles all around me, shielding me from misfortune.

Before my graduation ceremony, I had one little freak-out. I had a song prepared to go along with a short, little speech. (Well, at least I thought I was prepared)
I was sure I had the lyrics down, but after running through the song with my accompanist, Lori, I couldn't remember the words for the life of me.
Not only that, I also forgot what I was going to share before I sang my song.
I scribbled the lyrics down and just stared at them.
I cant do this, I thought. There is no way I'm getting up on that stage.
Once the ceremony began, I sat in the audience with no intention of going up on stage. As I looked around, I saw all my family members and friends who were there to support me. I can't let them down, I thought.
I leaned over to my mom. "Mom, I have to sit in the car for a few minutes. I'll be back, I promise." My mom was hesitant at first, but she handed me the keys, and I quickly made my way towards my dad's jeep. I knew I had about 10 minutes before the highschool grads were called to walk down the isle.
I sat in the front seat of the jeep and prayed, did a few vocal warm ups, and prayed again. "God, walk with me down that isle; give me strength and courage; help me sing like I've never sang before; let me minister to others like others have ministered to me."
A peace came over me as I walked in to the lobby where the graduates were lined up, garbed in their graduation attire. I zipped up my gown and placed my cap on my head; we all had that look of excitement in our eyes- not nerves, just pure excitement. In just a few moments, we were all going to graduate!!!
Each of the graduates had a unique way of accepting their diploma. Some gave a touching speech, some made videos, and others played instruments. This had to be the most special graduation in the world!
The Lord gave me confidence as I shared about the cross I received for my 18th birthday. In bold letters, it says "Journey," and in smaller script are Jeremiah 29:11 and Psalm 32:8
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you".
These verses tied in with my song. It's called "I Have a Hope," and it's a my declaration!
Here are the verses:
I have a hope, I have a future
I have a destiny that is yet awaiting me
My life’s not over, a new beginning’s just begun
I have a hope, I have this hope

God has a plan, it’s not to harm me
But it’s to prosper me and to hear me when I call
He intercedes for me, working all things for my good
Though trials may come I have this hope

Chorus
I will yet praise Him, my great Redeemer
I will yet stand up and give Him glory with my life
He takes my darkness and He turns it into light
I will yet praise Him, my Lord my God

My God is for me, He’s not against me
So tell me whom then, tell me whom then shall I fear
He has prepared for me
Great works He’ll help me to complete
I have a hope, I have this hope

Goodness and mercy, they’re gonna follow me
And I’ll forever dwell in the house of my great King
No eye has ever seen all He’s preparing there for me
Though trials may come, I have this hope

Bridge
There’s still hope for me today
‘Cause the God heaven loves me

I am so happy I was able to sing that song! When I practiced the song earlier, I felt like I was straining my voice. But during the ceremony, the notes were able to flow, and I could sing those words with meaning without having to worry about my voice cracking. That was totally a God thing!
People later came up to me saying "I've never heard you sing like that!" That's because I really have never been able to sing like that before- I felt the anointing of the Holy Spirit as I sang, and I felt the His presence throughout the rest of the night.

I am so thankful that the Lord gave me the strength to walk in victory these last few weeks. I got a call from Mercy Ministries this morning, and the application process is moving along smoothly. The Committee approved my application, and I am now on the waiting list to stay at one of the homes. My family and I are praying that the wait won't be too long or too difficult for me. There is hope for me yet.

More Mercy

2010-05-24T18:10:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! So nothing too disastrous has happened this past week. I've gone an entire week without a full-blown binge. I have managed to sneak a little bit of food and purge it, but overall, I've kept my head this week.
I'm a little nervous about the weeks ahead. I've been invited to several graduation parties, and I have my own grad-party to worry about as well (luckily mine is just a small Japanese dinner). *Sigh* I wish I didn't have to dread happy celebrations.
I'll have to make a success plan with Mary and have my mom and other family members keep me accountable. Yes, I may feel uncomfortable for a while; but I must remember: feelings pass! Letting my emotions control my actions is what leads me to binge and purge. When I have my accountability partners speaking truth into my life, I am able to think logically and separate the facts from the feelings.

Alright, so this week I've haven't been too friendly towards God. I was SUPER pissed actually. I was riding in the car with my dad and my little brothers on Saturday. We were on way to the track for a morning run. Unlike my disposition, the weather was bright and sunny. As I was in the seat next to him, my Dad says, "this is the day the Lord has made, so let us rejoice and be glad in it!"
Yeah, easy for you to say, I thought. You don't have an eating disorder.
In fact, I have three reasons not to rejoice: Anorexia, Bulimia, and binge eating!
I then started screaming at God in my mind:
God! Why couldn't I just stay anorexic? At least I was skinny! Now I'm a crazy binge eating-bulimic-anorexic freak!!! Why did you let this happen? Why didn't you stop this?
When we arrived at the track, my attitude hadn't improved. While my dad and my brothers stretched, I stared at the track and pictured myself running lap after lap, until all traces of fat and flab disappeared. I pictured myself running until there was nothing but a skeleton, just skin and bones with a shuddering heart.
Then the Lord spoke to me.
"Rachelle, I allowed the binge-eating and the bulimia to save you from your anorexia, to save you from yourself!"
I remembered six months ago, when the doctors told me I slowly deteriorating...and I couldn't care less; I wanted to be thin more than anything. I wanted to see how far I could go; I wanted to be as thin as humanly possible.
I would have kept running and restricting until the day I finally felt thin enough- a day that would never come.
I admit, I have never been able to accept the fact that I need to gain weight. Though I'm heavier than I was six months ago, this weight was the product of out of control binge-eating, and it saved me from permanently damaging my body.
So, am I happy I'm bulimic? No! But I am happy to be alive and past my anorexia. With my body shutting down, I was in a dangerous place, literally dying to be thin. The Lord wanted me out of this danger zone as soon as possible, and binge eating was the fastest way out. He showed me mercy by allowing certain circumstances.
I always viewed a binge session as a time of darkness, where God was completely absent. Now I realize that every time I downed a gallon of ice cream, or shoved peanut butter sandwiches down my throat, He was there. At 3:00am, when I would hide in the garage with a carton of milk and a cupboard full of cereal, feeling cold and alone, He was there. He was beside me during every binge. With His wonderful plans for my future, he wasn't going to let me starve myself to death.

The Lord certainly has an interesting way of orchestrating things.
Romans 8:28 says:
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Wow! He causes all things to work together for good!!! All things!!! Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating- the Lord can bring good out of these diseases!
We serve a merciful God!

On thin ice

2010-05-10T12:05:00.000-07:00

From now on, I'll be posting the majority of this blog from my phone, so please excuse the atrocious spelling. :)
I've been extra emotional these past few weeks. I feel as though I am simply skating through life, never knowing when I might suddenly fall through the ice. The ice is especially brittle when I attend a party or event. The last thing I want is for this eating disorder to keep me from celebrating with my friends; but at the same time, I can't help feeling like an outcast when I'm amongst a large crowd.
Let's start with the weekend before last (Mother's day weekend).
With three parties in one weekend, a meltdown was bound to occur. Friday's party went smoothly with the help of one of my accountability partners. Julie and I planned what I should snack on, and when I should stop. I must admit, I was terrified when I saw the box of doughnut holes, packages of Oreo cookies, and the giant platter of cinnamon rolls. Filling my pockets and purse with all the yummy goodies was hard to resist. Julie provided healthy snacks as well, ones that wouldn't tempt me to purge. So I filled my plate with grapes and "Smart Pop" popcorn, and limited myself to one cinnamon roll (a treat I hadn't had since Christmas time). With my food worries gone, I was able to enjoy spending time with my friends.
My good behavior at the party went down the toilet (literally) when I spent that night at my grandma's house. She had taken the time to remove all the sweets from her cupboards, but that didn't halt my desire to binge and purge. Around 3:00 am, I quietly cracked open the fridge and reached for the giant block of cheese. After emptying my stomach of about a pound of cheddar, I crawled back in bed, feeling miserable and sick. I continued to sneak more cheese and half a loaf of bread from the fridge throughout the next morning.
When the time came for the next party, my stomach was stuffed full; but I continued to eat despite the pain. Though I had eaten a sensible amount of food during the meal time, I longed to go back for seconds- heck, I wanted every last piece of bread on the buffet counter. I begged my mom to take me to get more food. "Ok, we can get more salad," she said.
As I walked into the kitchen, I pictured myself lifting one of the giant bowls of pasta salad and emptying all of its contents into my mouth. I saw myself moving from bowl to bowl, emotionally ravenous, but physically stuffed. This imaginary Rachelle dunked her head in the pot of beans and slurped up the remains; she gnawed on chicken, sucking the marrow from the bones; she licked the plates clean until very morsel and every crumb was consumed. This was what I would become if I continued to entertain those voices, those thoughts and desires, those lies of bulimia.
The desire to be alone with all that food was completely overwhelming. This desire burned in my chest and brought a flood of tears to my eyes.
"I have to get out of here," I whispered.
Luckily, my dad had a business appointment to go to, and he was happy to have me tag along. We had a thirty minute drive, which gave me plenty of time to calm down. I rarely talked with my dad when I was younger, and I am still hesitant to initiate a conversation; but our relationship has healed soooo much since I've been dealing with this disease. There is still so much I don't know about my dad, things I've never bothered to ask him about. During our drive, I asked him about how he became passionate about running. His story blew me away. I felt like he was telling me about a fictional character, one who had been on an epic journey. But Ken Hunter was no fantasy, he was my dad! My Dad had traveled all around the world, and I had never shown any interest.
Now that I've been talking with my dad, I see him in an entirely different light. For years, I had a distorted view of his character and what he thought of me. Now I see that the Lord has blessed me with a compassionate and caring father who loves me despite all my struggles and imperfections.
Mother's Day was a victory day. Focusing on blessing my mom and my grandma took the focus off myself for once, and thoughts of hoarding food hardly crossed my mind. I tried my best not to cause my mom any grief, and I'm pretty sure I succeeded.

As far as my food plan goes, I had been restricting my calories to counteract my binges. This of course starts the cycle of deprivation and hunger that leads to wanting to binge and overeat. I weighed in at Mary's, and saw that I had dropped a few pounds (I was actually surprised...after a whole block of cheese and a loaf of bread the previous weekend).
Mary stressed the importance of eating enough calories, though going over 18 weight watchers points sends me into a purging panic.
I recently bought a new food journal, and have been faithfully tracking my calories/points. I admit, it is super hard for me to eat 18 points without any guilt. But Mary and I agreed that I would stay above 18 points every day this week. My weigh-in is in two days, and honestly, I don't know what to expect.
I have overcome quite a few "insecurity hurdles" this week. My weight isn't my only obsession; I'm concerned about my entire appearance. So when I chopped my hair to pieces, my the whole world caved in around me. All I was going to do was give my bangs a little trim; this led to hours of snipping until I finally gave up. Sunday morning, I crumpled to the ground in defeat.
"My life is over," I wailed.
But I HAD to go to church, and I HAD to get packed up to stay with Rhonda. I pushed my emotions aside, and I did what I had to do. Singing on stage in choir was difficult, but I couldn't let my hair hold me back from worshiping the Lord. After singing songs of praise, my worries vanished.
I had another meltdown after lunch at Rhonda's house. My mom was getting ready to leave and I wanted to wimp out and go with her, though I had planned to stay a few days with Rhonda. My hair made me feel absolutely hideous, and I wanted to go home and hide. But I also knew that once I got home, all I would be able to do is lie in bed and wallow in my self-pity. Rhonda saw me huddled on the ground with a mixture of tears and mascara running down my face.
Rhonda has a "no-nonsense" way of adressing a situation, and for that I am very grateful. She knelt down beside be and said, "Rachelle, don't let your hair determine what you do!"
I decided to stay with Rhonda and Charlie after all. We went to see my cousins perform later that night. Though my hair was still a concern, I didn't want it to keep me from having a fun night out.
Well, I'm still enjoying my stay at Rhonda and Charlie's house. Again, I am so grateful for my aunt and uncle's hospitality.
I'll be returning home sometime tomorrow. I'll probably write post some more then.
I hope you enjoy reading about my journey.
I sure enjoy reflecting on the places the Lord takes me each week.

Lock and Key

2010-04-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

As of now, the refrigerator doors are tightly secured. This was actually my idea. My mom and I went to Ace today and bought a lock and some heavy duty cord. Needless to say, the fridge is bulimic-proof.
Up until Sunday, I had gone six days without a binge or purge. Even with the elaborate buffet at the prom, I still managed to keep it together.
Oh yeah! I got to go to prom. It was an unexpected surprise, and I'm sooooo happy I didn't let my insecurities hold me back.
Prom also motivated me to stick to my structured eating, and work on building up my muscle tone. With a fun night like prom in sight, I had little difficulty meeting my goals.

Sunday was when things started heading downhill again. My cravings were the most intense they've been in a while. I normally crave sweet things, like chocolate or cookies...but this time, I NEEDED cheese. Nothing would satisfy me as I shoveled mountains of grated cheddar and pepper jack into my mouth.
Once the cheese was gone, the binging failed to cease. I moved on to bread- yummy, grainy, delicious bread. I consumed over half a loaf, purged, and went back for more. During my insane feast, my dad was napping upstairs and my mom was out for the day. I felt like this was my only chance to eat whatever I wanted. I thought I would be able to stop, but it never works that way.
My mom came home later that afternoon with a bag full of leftovers from tacos at my aunt's house; guess what was inside: MORE CHEESE!
And the binging continued...
This morning, I made about 20 trips to the fridge. I ran out of the kitchen with whatever I could grab and munched away in my room. Despite the millions of chores I've been neglecting, food was my number one focus- my only focus.
What if I could magically stop binging? I thought.
Screw magic! I need God's help!
I said a desperate prayer and asked the Lord to take away my capability to binge. Just then, a thought popped into my head, something I never would have thought of on my own.
The only thing between me and a whole block of cheese is the refrigerator door. If I can't get through the door, I can't get to the cheese- problem solved!!!

Now that the food is locked away, I have a lot more confidence and a lot more hope. There's a tub of icecream in the freezer, and a giant bowl of guacamole in the fridge...and I don't have to worry. I can be left home without any anxiety.
My ability to binge at home is gone! Thank the Lord!

A Safe Haven

2010-04-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while since my last post. Much has happened in the last few weeks. I've had several binges and breakdowns, and made quite a few suicide threats. My depression put me in a hole deeper and darker than ever before, despite the medication.

Last Sunday, my hopelessness was overwhelming. I had binged and purged every day that week, and I didn't see how I could ever bring it to an end. After having our weekly family taco time at my Aunt Rhonda's house, she asked me if I wanted to talk for a bit. Rhonda could see the despair in my eyes as I told her about my discouraging week. "I know that as soon as I go home, I'm going straight to the kitchen cupboard," I sobbed, "that's all I want to do, and all I can think about: eat, eat, eat.I eat until I'm sick...I throw up...then I eat even more!"
That morning in church, I couldn't worship the Lord; all I could see in my mind was a big bowl of cookie dough. I wanted to taste it, to feel the texture of the butter and the sugar as it melted in my mouth. Just think, I could be home eating cookie dough right now, I thought to myself.
Of course, this food fantasy thing is completely ridiculous, but at the time, these thoughts were all my mind could dwell on; this frustrated me.
After a long discussion on my current state, Rhonda suggested that I live a couple days with her and my Uncle Charlie. I was hesitant at first, but I knew this is what I needed to do in this desperate time. "What you need is a safe environment," Rhonda said, "a place where you can take refuge and gain a few days of victory."
So, I packed my suitcase and cosmetic bag, and stayed Monday through Wednesday at the Abellara house.
I am sooooo grateful for my aunt and uncle's kindness! Charlie installed a lock on their kitchen pantry, and Rhonda threw out all her ice cream. Rhonda also set up a baby monitor in the guest bedroom to prevent any nighttime binging.
Even when my one-year-old cousin Everett spent the night, the baby monitor remained in my room. Needless to say, my 3:00am binge/purge sessions were put to a halt.
As far as the daytime went, my instructions were to stick to Rhonda like glue. I had no problem with this; if I was going to stick to anyone, I'd want it to be Rhonda. Her compassion absolutely astounds me!
My stay with Rhonda drew me out of my pitiful isolation, and back into reality. I was finally able to function, and eat like a normal human being! It felt fantastic!!! Rhonda and I worked out with some amazing friends (Brookie and Julie), ate healthy and satisfying meals, and had deep and encouraging discussions.
Those three days helped me get back into the swing of things, and helped me realize that I don't have to let bulimia turn me into a miserable wreck.

before I returned home, Rhonda and I made sure my house would be a safe place- a place where I could be confident, and the temptation wouldn't be so overbearing.
My parents were more than happy to put a lock on the pantry and throw out the ice cream. I was so relieved to come home and not have the ability to binge...there was no way I could binge, so there was no reason to purge!
I didn't have to purge!!! This was fantastic news!

Of course...the binge food found a way of reappearing. After going an entire week without binging (that's seven days of victory in a row!!!), I returned to my self-destructive habits.
Yes, binging makes me miserable; yes, binging makes me gain weight; yes, binging is a waste of food, a waste of time, and a waste of emotional energy.
So why do I continue with my bulimic behaviors?
Simple: those behaviors are familiar. I am scared to death of the unknown, but I know that food will give me the temporary high that I crave. But with the high...comes the crash.
Sundays have been a struggle for years. My extended family always gets together after church for tacos; it's been a tradition since before I was born. You can imagine, with lots of people, there's lots of food. When I was 15 and 16, I had no idea what binging was (much less a sign of an eating disorder). Sundays were my overeating days. I would wait until everyone was out of the kitchen, then I would cram what was left of the taco ingredients in my mouth. Chips, guacamole, cheese, re fried beans- this would be my secret feast, a time when I could eat all I wanted and not be judged. These feasts became a weekly ritual. Sometimes I would make myself sick, but still continue eating. "This is my moment of freedom," I would think.
Little did I know that these habits would soon wind me up in chains.
Now, every Sunday taco time is a mental battle. Will I allow food to chain me to the kitchen, to keep me from spending time with my family and the people I love? This is what Bulimia has done to me; it literally has taken full control.

Well, this last Sunday (April 18th), my house that had been free of binge food for seven days became a death trap. My grandma (who I could never be bitter toward) brought ingredients for tacos and desert for afterwards. Keep in mind that I had been doing well for a whole week, and had no intention to binge...until I saw the desert- ice cream and cookies. I could feel the chains wrapping around my ankles. I wanted to flee, to get far away from this torment. Not only was there desert on the counter, but all the leftovers from the tacos as well...and I was all alone. This was the perfect trap, but I somehow resisted. My mom and my grandma were finished with their lunch and planned to go to the garage-sale down the street. "I'll come too," I practically screamed. There was no way I could be left alone with all this delicious and enticing food.
I almost escaped from this dreadful snare. I got about halfway down the road, when the chains prevented me from moving forward; I was being dragged back to the kitchen, back into the trap.
"Ummm, I have to pee," I lied. The chains became shorter and shorter until I was completely shackled to the kitchen counter. All reason and logic left my mind, and I became Rachelle the binge zombie. I shoveled as much food as I possibly could into my mouth. I was a slave again, and Bulimia was my master.
Like the Israelites wandering in the dessert, I thought I would be happier if I returned to Egypt.
Like the Israelites...I couldn't be more wrong.

The cycle started again: binge, purge, cry, moan, binge again, purge again; not once would I feel satisfied, not once would I feel happy.
Maybe Egypt wasn't such a good idea after all.

Once all the yummy binge food was gone, I was still feeling empty (well, physically my stomach was filled to the max). After literally tossing my cookies, I had to resort to the bagels in the freezer. I cradled a toasted bagel and cream cheese in my hands. "Will I be any happier after I eat this?" I thought. "There's only one way to find out." I scarfed down the bagel in about two seconds. "Hmmmm, I'm still not happy...I must need more bagels!" Five more bagels and a tub of cream cheese later, I was just as miserable (if not more)as before.

I called Rhonda, and we both agreed that staying a couple days with her would be a good idea. On Monday, I couldn't even get out of bed, let alone pack my bags. I was back in my black pit of despair, overwhelmed and unable to function. My mom told me to take the day one step at a time. Step one: work out. I ran a few miles, then I broke down again. "I can't take it! It's too much! Why can't I just give up?"
I tried to pack my bags, but all I could do was lie flat on my floor and sob.
Hours passed, and the tears kept coming, and the wailing never ceased. My mom finally broke through the lock on my door. She had promised my little brothers that they would get to go to the library, but I couldn't come along in this miserable state. "I'll only be gone for twenty minutes," she said. "Can you promise to stay out of the kitchen?"
"I can't make promises I can't keep," I replied.
Surprisingly, my mom left anyway. She told me later that she thought I couldn't get in any worse shape than I already was. In the words of the Grinch: "WRONGO!"
Twenty minutes was all I needed to whip up a nice bowl of cookie dough (the chocolate chips were locked up in the pantry, but I made due with butter, brown sugar, granulated sugar, and whole wheat flour).
As soon as it was purging time, my dad drove in the driveway. I was immediately ashamed, and I hid under a towel in my bathroom.
My dad found me in my pathetic hiding spot. "Honey, can you tell me what's wrong?"
"Everything," I choked out. "It's all too much. I'm overwhelmed, and I can't take it anymore. I just want my life to end!"
My dad had tears in his eyes. "You can't give up. It's not in you to give up. I know that if I would have given up when I felt like it, it would hurt you. But if you give up now, it kill me. You can't take your life. You are too precious to me, and you are too precious to God. He has great things planned for you, don't let this stop you. The enemy is coming after you because he knows God will use you greatly for his kingdom. Don't let the enemy have his way. God is here to help you, and so am I."
Once my mom got back, we packed up for Rhonda's house, and I left my binge and my setbacks behind me.
Well, I'm in a binge free zone- my safe haven. Staying with Rhonda and Charlie helps me refocus and get back on track. So far, I've gone 24 hours without a binge or purge, and I'm feeling one hundred times better.
My main goal is to get in to Mercy Ministries as soon as possible. I believe that going through the Mercy program is what I need to do in order to receive full healing. I had my phone interview with one of the staff, and it left me feeling pretty hopeful. The questions I was asked were deep and intimate, but I kept my answers as honest as possible.
It's all in God's hands now. If he wants me to go to Mercy Ministries, then he will provide the way. His timing is perfect, and so is his plan for my life.

The road goes on

2010-03-29T15:11:00.000-07:00

I had a fabulous time with my Grandma and my Mom. We dined and shopped, walked and talked, biked and ran, sang and laughed, relaxed and had a total blast! I'll be puting pictures up on my facebook as soon as I can.
I couldn't have asked for a more special way to celebrate and enjoy my 18th birthday.
Though food was a big part of this trip, I pushed past all my worries and allowed myself to enjoy every taste and treat.
My grandma and I have been going to Solvang since I was a little girl, yet we always find something new and exciting in the quaint, little town. This trip, we discovered a Sushi restaurant that was in walking distance from our hotel (actually, you can walk to anything in Solvang; it's that small). After slurping down hot miso soup and green tea, Mom ordered tempura veggies and chicken, Grandma ordered the Phillie roll, and I ordered the best spicy tuna roll I've ever had. We all agreed this was the yummiest dinner (and, surprisingly,least expensive) on our trip. Over all, my dining experience was almost worry free. I ran a few miles each morning to give myself a little more peace of mind as well.

As soon as I returned home, I returned to my old ways. I grabbed a big box of cereal and a jug of milk, and ate until I was sick and threw up. This relapse was to be expected, but I'm back on track now. I'm trying my best to focus on the positive and appreciate the five days I went without a binge or purge. My dad has been super encouraging, and this morning he told me how proud he was of me. "You went five days Rachelle," he said, "you ran a marathon!"

I bought a new journal when I was in Cambria. Not only will it serve as a memento from my trip, but it will also help me in my recovery. Mary told me that by writing down my meal plan and goals, I'm planning not to binge. Instead of plotting to eat the whole kitchen and vomit it all up, I must do the exact opposite and devise a plan to succeed - which would be writing down what I'm putting in my mouth and sticking to Mary's nutrition plan.

Though my suitcase is unpacked and I'm back in my own house, the road trip is far from over. I'm still on the long road to recovery, and my mom and my grandma are still traveling with me. But this time, God is in the driver seat.

Off on a big adventure

2010-03-23T16:51:00.000-07:00

I'm heading out for my road trip in just a few minutes! My mom and my grandma are just about as excited as I am. We're going to Cambria, Hearst Castle, and Solvang! This vacation will give me a chance to eat normally again, since I won't be tempted with a kitchen full of binge food, like at home (it's kind of hard to binge in a restaurant). And by having my mom and my grandma with me constantly, purging won't be an option either. So, I have five fun-filled, binge-free, purge-free days to look forward to!

Oh, on Sunday, I was reading "The Last Song" by Nicolas Sparks, and the Lord totally answered my question. I had asked God earlier about self-control, and how I could obtain it. In "The Last Song, the character, Steve, reads Galatians 5:22-23:

" 22But the fruit of the [Holy] Spirit [the work which His presence within accomplishes] is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness,
23Gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self-restraint, continence)."
-from the Amplified Bible

When our lives are guided by the Holy Spirit, we produce the fruit of the spirit.
On my own, I have no self-control; but with the help of the Holy Spirit, having self-control is not such an impossible task.

Setbacks...

2010-03-14T18:51:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this post from my mobile phone, sitting in my bathroom, with three empty boxes of cereal at my feet. I am too ashamed to come out at the moment. So, I'll just stay put until I'm ready to apologize to my brothers for eating all their coco crispies, frosted mini wheats, and cinnamon toast crunch. Before this little incident, I had five good days in a row. Of course, I won't let this hold me back. I still plan on working out, no matter how discouraged I feel. Running always helps me think a bit clearer, and over all, it makes me feel a whole lot better. Working up a nice sweat is kind of like purging for me...not in a bad way, but in a cleansing, healthy way. Having a time of prayer and a good workout both help me get it together when I need a fresh start. Ok, so I couldn't go two weeks without binging. But really, every day that I go without a binge\purge is a victory...so that makes five of them. I'm shooting for ten more victories in the next week and a half. Hopefully I can avoid any kind of disaster before my road trip.

Bulimia makes me crazy!!! whaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

2010-03-08T18:08:00.000-08:00

This weekend was interesting. My party was great! Emotionally, I was able to handle the big crowd and enjoy the company of my friends and family.
As far as food went, I was totally satisfied with a reasonable amount of food. Even though not all the food was considered diet foods or "safe", I still enjoyed what I ate without feeling like I had to analyze every little calorie.
Having my family and friends throw me such a nice party meant sooooo much to me. Every person there was so special to me, and everyone's kindness really touched me.

The issues started when the party was over...and I was all alone with the left over desert. It's becoming a habit for me to eat when I'm alone, whether I want to or not.
Though I had a nice piece of cake with everyone else, I still felt the compulsion to stuff my face when no one was around. I took the time to think some of it through. Did I really want to binge without laxatives? Where will all these calories go if I can't purge them. Should I risk eating all this when vomiting might not work?
I considered these questions; but not once did I ask myself: Why do I want to shove all this cake in my mouth? How am I going to feel after all the cake is gone?
Well, I decided I would eat half the pan of cake and try my best to make it all come back up.
Of course, the cake stayed down, and only the water I chugged came up.
So, as crappy as I felt, I continued to binge on cake and other party left-overs the next morning. I made an attempt to restock my laxative supply later that day. Luckily, my parents were watching out for me, and stopped me before I could even reach the drugstore counter.
Now, I have no intentions of using my birthday money to harm myself with laxatives.

My mom and I set new goals, and I'm starting totally fresh this week. I have a road trip to look forward to, so I want to be as healthy as possible for that. My Grandma and my mom are taking me to Solvang, Cambria, Hearst Castle, and a bunch of different tea houses for my birthday! I really, really, really don't want bulimia to ruin our fun. The trip is in two weeks!
Two weeks of healthy, binge-free eating is not going to kill me :-)
With God's help, nothing is too difficult. Besides, He's helped me do it before, so he can help me do it again.

Faith, Faith, Faith

2010-03-04T17:48:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday I weighed in at the doctor, and I lost a few pounds (well, more than a few). I have to be completely honest and say that I did this on purpose. Some people were commenting on how I was starting to look a little better; I guess they were trying to encourage me after hearing that I put on five pounds...
Anyway, I got scared, and I restricted my calories and exercised more vigorously than usual to make up for the weight I had put on.
I'm having the hardest time accepting the fact that I HAVE TO get my body mass index up to a healthy level. I know deep down that I can't live the rest of my life underweight...because I'm slowly, but surely deteriorating.
This disorder is so self-destructive, yet I'm hanging on to it because it's what I'm comfortable with- it's familiar. Eating non-diet food and keeping it in my body is still foreign, and still makes me uncomfortable. The thought of putting on weight vs losing weight is even more terrifying.

My dad recently finished a 10 day spiritual fast, drinking only water. When he was having his breakfast this morning, I told him, "I think it takes more faith for me to eat than it does for me to fast." And it's so true! I know exactly what's going to happen when I fast, and I won't have to worry a bit. With eating, I worry because I have that fear of gaining, or not knowing where the weight is going to go (my thighs are my main concern). Right now, I'm freaking out because I don't have a stash of laxatives. I'm having a giant party on Saturday with tons of food, ahhhhhh!
Having my laxative stash has always been my anti-worry fix when it comes to big events (I honestly think I couldn't have gotten through Christmas without it). When I slip up and eat too much, or I get bloated, the laxatives have been what I fall back on. I know they can't get rid of every single calorie, but they have been such a comfort (again, they're what's familiar).
Going without the laxatives is a huge test of faith.

I'm going to have to put every ounce of trust in God this weekend!

Trust= Triumph

2010-02-25T17:54:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone!
I've gone a whole week without a binge/purge!!!
I have had to put every ounce of trust in the Lord this week. It's also taken tremendous faith to stick with the food plan and believe I wouldn't turn into the flab monster.
My mom and I had a blast over the weekend. Going out to eat was a huge test, and has always made me uncomfortable. But I was able to order sushi without freaking out!
The best thing was...I ENJOYED IT! I prayed earlier that the Lord would take away any feelings of guilt and fear about what I was feeding my body.
I am sooo blessed to have a nutritionist who I can trust to get me to a healthy place. Mary's support has been such a humongous gift!
I weighed in at her office yesterday, and to my surprise, I didn't gain any weight. CRAZY!!!
Even with all the carbs in the food plan, I was still just maintaining my weight.

In trusting that God designed my body to handle healthy amounts of food, this week has been panic-free. I still had my doubts at times, and my fair share of insecurities, but this week has really been an encouragement.

OHHH! And my Grandma will be happy to hear that I put on a few lbs while she was away in Europe. She's getting back tonight!!!!

Heart Doctor

2010-02-13T18:40:00.000-08:00

This past week has been quite the roller-coaster ride.
Tuesday started with a 3:00 am binge that went on until 7:00 at night.
I was miserable throughout the whole stupid thing. In fact, I broke down emotionally and took at double dose of cold medicine to knock myself out. I told my mom that I was tired of living, so I went into a drug-induced slumber, hoping I would be able to stop eating when I awoke.
It only got worse.
I threw a total tantrum when my mom made me hand over the jar of peanut butter I had found the night before. She said she would be happy to make me a peanut butter sandwich, but refused to let me eat the whole jar. My dad came in the kitchen and offered to make us both PB&H sandwiches. My dad and I ate together while watching the evening news, and the urge to continue to binge subsided. After a nice workout, I finally collected my wits, and returned to my structured eating plan for the rest of the week.

I met with Mary, my nutritionist/fitness coach, on Wednesday. We went over strategies to keep me from binging late at night- from painting my nails, to climbing in bed with my mom; anything to distract me from thoughts of food, food and more food.
Later that day, I met with my therapist, Judy. We dove into the past as we poured over old photo albums of me and my family. She was intrigued with how I was able to tell when I was happy in a photo. "I can see it in my eyes, and in my face," I told her. We also talked about different levels of self control when it came to binging and purging. She asked me to rate my self control on a scale of one to ten- one being totally in control of my actions and behaviors, and ten not being able to stop a binge. I told her it seemed that I was always either at a one, or suddenly at a ten; there was no in between. Judy explained that, though it may seem like a sudden snap may occur, I should be able to stop and think for a moment. This would give me a chance to rate my self control, and bring it back down to one. She also asked me to be aware of my thoughts during those in between times of one and ten.
A five would be the stage where I start to plan a time to binge. If I can be aware of those thoughts, I may be able to scale down towards a one before I head towards a six or seven (at this stage, I would be stashing the binge food).

After my counseling session, my mom and I had a nice chunk of time alone in the car together. I reflected on a talk I had on Sunday with a healed anorexic named Karen. Karen was happy to share a bit of her journey and some of the tools she used in her recovery. She drew me a diagram of a heart with blanks on the inside, then drew a circle around it. "If we had a heart doctor open us up, he would be able to fill these blanks with hurts and pains. What we tend to do is cover them up with something we can control- our weight, what we eat, how we exercise. That's what the circle represents," she explained. "Now, we can't go digging these hurts up with a shovel; we have to let God bring them to the surface. That is when we can deal with these issues. Let God be the heart doctor."
Earlier Wednesday morning, I had prayed that God would reveal something that had hurt me. I tried and tried to think of it on my own, but after my talk with Karen, I knew that the Lord would bring it up at just the right moment.
And He did!
As my mom and I sat in the car, I finally told her about events that took place back when I was going to private school. My mind had always pushed these events aside, and I hadn't realized how much it all affected me. The thought of sharing with my parents about how I had been harassed sexually had always made me uncomfortable. But after releasing what I had kept inside for so long, I suddenly felt lighter. Later that night, my parents and I prayed together, and I was able to forgive several guys for the way they treated me. The Lord lifted that burden from my heart- it had gotten way to heavy after over a year.

I still have more "heart blanks" to fill in, but I know God can reveal those pains and hurts to me if I am willing to trust him.
He is my heart doctor.

Another Binge...Another Lesson Learned

2010-02-05T19:56:00.000-08:00

I fell back into my deep, dark hole this week. After having several victories, my old behaviors and patterns came back in full force. I'm guessing that the part of me that is so attached to my disorder recognized that I was improving, and therefore tried it's best to sabotage my chances for success.
Tuesday started out great, with both my emotions and my eating behaviors in a positive state. Later that day, my mom left to run some errands with my brother. I hadn't been planning a binge earlier that day, but I suddenly felt an overwhelming compulsion to binge and purge. I'm still trying to investigate what caused that snap in my brain...cravings, feeling insecure and vulnerable; it could be a number of things.
Anyway, I scoured the house for any trace of peanut butter like a ravenous lion on the prowl. I downed half a jar in about two seconds, but was left disappointed when there was no more left. When I tried to purge, absolutely nothing would come up, no matter how hard I tried. I panicked and reverted to my second (and more painful) purging method: laxatives.
I had promised my mom, my grandma, and my aunt that I would stop buying them in secret, yet in my desperation, I went against my word. Even after reading an article on all the harmful effects of laxative abuse, I convinced myself that it would all be worth it, and nothing could be worse than gaining weight.
I had never felt more desperate for something in my entire life. This feeling shot through me like adrenaline as I took off running for the pharmacy two miles down the road. I used the last of my spending money to purchase a box of chocolate flavored laxatives, and went next door to buy more binge food. I was running out of time, and had only a dollar left, so I ran at top speed without the peanut butter I was also planning to buy.
The next three days are a big blur of food, food, and more food, running to the bathroom, sneaking around, and decieving my family members and friends. I neglected my studies and all my responseabilities as I became Rachelle the Binge Monster. I numbed myself to the message of my wednesday night youth class, though I knew deep down that God was aiming this message directly towards me. I tuned out everything that had to do with temptation; I had my mind made up, and my binge food safely stowed away in my purse- I was giving in to my destructive desires, even when I knew it would lead to despair. I couldn't let go of my false source of comfort and security that binging that purging brought me.
With at least eight doses of laxatives running through my system, the pain grew more and more severe. It felt like a hot iron was branding my lower abdomin from the inside out. I wanted to scream, I wanted to stop, I wanted out, I WANTED TO BE FREE!
.....yet I could not let go of my bulimia; something inside me still loved this disease.
I got up before the crack of dawn Thursaday morning, even after spending most of the night in the bathroom. I grabbed more food to supplement my hidden stash of stolen food from the previous day. Time flew by as the food slowly began to disapear, and I was left dissatisfied, though my belly was stuffed. I finally realized that I needed to get ready to go take my grandma to the airport. She was leaving for Europe later that day, and I couldn't let her see me in this state.
With only an hour left until she arrived, I reluctantly set down my spoonful of frosted mini wheats, and decided to ask for help. If I couldn't stop myself, then maybe my mom could.
My belly was bloated, my hair was disheveled, and my make up was smeared as I trudged up the stairs to my parents room.
"You have to make me stop! I can't stop on my own!"
I sobbed as my mom discarded the last remnants of my binge food. Part of me was releaved, and part of me still wanted the food.
My bathroom reeked of everything that encompassed Bulimia; I was ashamed.

I was somehow able to move on after that. As I cleansed myself in the shower, I asked God to cleanse my mind and my heart.

As my mom, my grandma, and I made our way to the airport, I sat in the back seat and read Starved- a Christian book on freedom from eating disorders. This book is filled with truth and scripture that counteract negative thoughts. I've read Starved twice through, and it really helps in the renewing of my mind.
I broke down as I escorted my grandma to her airline. We prayed a short prayer, and I promised to make some improvement by the time she got back.

Friday was my epiphany day.
The laxatives were finally done running through my intestines (I had taken my last dose thursday afternoon), and my binge bloat was starting to go down.
My first appointment was with my doctor. I was shocked to see that I had gained quite a bit of weight since last week...the Doc was happy.
I saw Mary, my nutritionist/fittness coach, next.
I weighed in, and almost hoped to see a lower number than I had at the doctor's office; it was the same.
I couldn't believe I had put on weight after purging so vigorously.
Well, Mary was pleased, even if I wasn't. She gave me a few new exercises, and a great big hug before the end of our session. In the middle of our imbrace, she said, "You know, I have never seen an underweight bulimic. I've worked with several of them, and they were all heavy."
Again, I was shocked.
Mary explained to me that bulimia doesn't work. BULIMIA IS A LIE!
Though it may seem like purging gets rid of the food, our bodies actually absorb the nutrients it needs as soon as the food enters us, even through our saliva!
The laxatives didn't stop the fat from being absorbed, nor did they eliminate any of the calories I had consumed. What was being purged wasn't really my binge food, but the waste and other minerals from that food.
The same goes for vomiting; only a small percentage of the food is able to make its way up, and even then, the body has already started to absorb what it needs from that food.
So...what I thought was working for me for so long.... was really an illusion.
My calorie restriction was the real reason I was (and still am) so underweight.
That explains why after three solid days of binging and purging, I gained quite a few pounds. Sure, some of it may be water weight, but that is the only thing laxatives can remove- not calories.

All I can say is: HOLY CRAP! I CAN'T BELIEVE I FELL FOR THAT STUPID LIE!

Ok, so I've been doing well since Friday. My mom and I are working together as far as sticking to the food plan goes. Binges seem much less appealing after learning that all those calories can't really be removed from the body like I thought they could.
I'm also trying new kinds of foods- foods that normal people eat, non-diet foods.
My mom and I split a mocha at Starbucks, with whipped cream!

Today was a special day!!! My family went up to San Francisco for the day to celebrate my 18th birthday. (it's on Monday!) I ate what I wanted in sensible portions, and was totally satisfied. This included ribs at the Rainforest Cafe, a tall americano at Starbucks, and a dark chocolate sunday at Ghirardelli square.
I am so happy that the Lord was able to help me enjoy my day of celebration. God totally blessed my family with this great opportunity to have a mini-vacation, and I wasn't about to let a stupid eating disorder ruin our fun.
I did feel vulnerable and afraid after eating things I wasn't used to, and also had thoughts about purging; but these thoughts were soon thrown away after refocusing my mind, and dwelling on God's love for me.

Oh great news! My Christmas present got delivered yesterday.
It's a proform elliptical trainer (kinda like a treadmill and a bike combined).
I feel like I won't freak out so much about all the food Mary is having me eat if I'm able to exercise with ease. This is another step in a healthy direction! I'm renovating the back room into my workout room; that means no more freezing to death in the garage, and no more shin-splints from my dad's treadmill.

Though this week has had it's trials, the Lord has given me hope.

A Wacky Weekend

2010-02-01T11:38:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone!
So as you know, I'm trying to "normalize" my eating habits. I've been seeing an amazing nutritionist, Mary, who has been a huge support and a crucial part of my recovery. Mary has me use a structured eating method where I eat more often, leaving me feeling satisfied and less compelled to binge. Her food plan has really helped in terms of feeling deprived and lost in my world of dieting. Each week, Mary either adds a new snack or more food to each meal.
Her goal for me is to have me put on weight without freaking me out with huge amounts of food. There are times that I do freak out over a cheese stick, or purge after I've consumed a tablespoon of olive oil. But little by little, I'm retraining my brain to say,"Rachelle, those calories need to nourish your body," not, "Ahhhhhhh, Rachelle, you need to get rid of those calories before they turn into fat! Burn them off, or purge them before it's too late!" (yeah, that's me in my panic mode).

I had two panic mode instances this weekend, mainly because I strayed from the food plan. I had a "bag of cereal binge" Friday night. I was reading about emotional eating in a book I had checked out from the library; I'm guessing that was the trigger. Instead of discouraging me from emotional eating, the book sparked my old desires and habits. I wasn't hungry, but the idea of eating all I wanted without anyone knowing sounded appealing. After I had polished off the last of the cereal, the guilt and the panic set in, and I gave in to the compulsion to purge.
I couldn't keep what had happened a secret, so I let my mom know.
We both prayed that the guilt I was feeling wouldn't hold me down like it normally would.
My mind raced that night, replaying events that had caused so much guilt and remorse. I was soooooo tempted to rip open the freezer, grab a carton of ice cream, and eat all my troubles away. (sure, that would work)
It was 5:00 am, and my mom was leaving to go running with some friends in about an hour. I decided a nice run with people who thought normally would help clear my head. It did indeed! Saturday was a successful day! With lots of prayer and support phone calls, I was able to babysit my brothers the entire day without a binge or panic attack! We had a blast together; making a picnic lunch, taking a nice long walk, and even making slow-churned ice cream together. I felt totally confident and in control. Being occupied with house cleaning also helped in giving me purpose and structure to my day. When I have specific tasks I need to accomplish, or fun things planned for the day, food becomes less of a worry and a stress.

I followed my meal plan most of the day on Sunday, and even resisted a binge in the evening. Instead of grabbing a jar of peanut butter, I grabbed my weights and my yoga mat, and had a peanut butter sandwich later for dinner.
My desire to eat in secret got the better of me later that night. I wouldn't call three oreos and a glass of milk a binge, but because oreos were a "no-no", I felt like they need to come up. As soon as I was done purging, I crumbled. I felt that I had ruined a day of victory.

My mom talked me through my meltdown last night, and I'm starting fresh today!

ONE WEEK UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!!! I'm giving this week to the Lord! He will help me walk in victory!

A night of victory

2010-01-28T18:16:00.000-08:00

This morning marked the one week anniversary of the worst binge ever.
Unlike last week's disaster, I was able to get myself out of bed, give my day to the Lord, and have ONE bowl of cereal...ONE delicious bowl...not a bag full of crap...one nutritious bowl.
Last night I was planning to get up in the night and chow down, but after reflecting on youth service, I knew that would send me back into that vicious cycle of guilt and remorse- one of the reasons I purge. I feel like purging is a way of punishing my body for giving in to the binging.
Overcoming these self-destructive habits has been such an enormous challenge, but last night was a step in the right direction. I was finally able to tell my mom that I was struggling with my cravings and foolish desires to binge. We both cleared out the dishes in my room, and prayed together. By the end of our prayer time (and four bottles of water later), the urge to binge had subsided, and I was able to see the destructive outcome it would bring if I continued to fall into my pit.
I worshiped the Lord as I got ready for bed. Praising his name banished all thoughts of food and need for comfort. He was my comfort. He gave me a restful night- a night of peace and knowing that I am loved.

So, I had a breakfast bowl of victory this morning, a salad of celebration at noon, and a turkey burger of thanksgiving for dinner.
Oh! and cocoa and conversation with a dear friend.

I plan on keeping it all in my belly =]

Recovery week

2010-01-25T17:26:00.000-08:00

I've had a few major setbacks this past week. It seems that right when I start to do well, I let go of God's hand and forget about Him altogether.
I was able to follow my nutritionist's food guide for a whole week- no purging, no laxatives!
But...my fear and insecurities set in, and I began to binge. I thought I could stop with just one jar of peanut butter (a favorite among binge food), but I continued to search for happiness in tasty foods. Not once did I stop and think about what I was doing. Deep down, I knew that the binging always makes me sick and miserable in the end. I didn't ask God to give me the strength to stop, because I didn't want to stop! Well, part of me did, but my fearful side wanted more comfort, and sought comfort through the jar peanut butter, the quart of ice cream, and the bag of honey bunches of oats.
It normally takes me a whole day to consume all my binge food, leaving my stomach stretched to the limit. Even when I am in physical pain, I still desire food more than anything on binge days.
This binge went on and off for three days. I went three days without a shower, two days without washing my face, and two days without changing my clothes. I was a wreck! The only thing I wanted to do was eat...and eat...and eat. I ate any fatty or sugary snack I could get my hands on, and even went to great lengths to steal food from other houses (mainly family members...but still, that's messed up!).
My mom tried her best to help me, but couldn't monitor me 24/7, so I continued to let my distorted desires control me.
"I just can't stop eating," I said. "I want food more than anything in the world!"
After polishing off the last of my brownie mix (or my cousin's brownie mix)on Friday night, I finally fell asleep.
I dreamed a very realistic nightmare that night.
I was screaming "break free!" at the top of my lungs, but there was no sound, and I stayed paralyzed in my bed. A demon was standing next to my bed, blocking the sound of my voice, when suddenly, I felt a great warmth in my chest and heard a voice boom "break free." I woke up after that, and began to cry out to God.
I asked him to give me the strength to quit this terrible binge. I cried, "Don't let me go back; I can't go back."

It's been two days since the last binge. The first day of recovery is always the hardest. After eating constantly for three days, I don't know what to do with myself. My mom and my aunt are both helping me get back on track.
Today, I behaved and functioned like a normal human being, and ate according to the nutrition plan. I gave my day completely over to the Lord.
This week is going to be a week of victory.

I am ready to move on and start healing again.

Some Background

2010-01-24T18:51:00.000-08:00

Ok, so let me tell you a little bit more about my struggle.
I wasn't always concerned about my weight or appearance. In fact, up until my freshman year of high school, I couldn't care less about what I ate. Sure, I liked to look nice and put together (my hair always being my main focus); but I didn't start obsessing until I turned 15. Entering high school after being home schooled for 5 years came as a shock to me. I became very insecure as friends I had gone to school with earlier in elementary school rejected and ignored me.
Luckily, performing arts led me to new friendships, and I began to build some confidence again.
My solid group of friends were my church friends- buddies from birth, I could always count on them to make me feel accepted.

During my sophomore year, I decided to go on my first crash diet. I had been accepted to attend a modeling/acting conference in Los Angeles, and I wanted to look my best. I lost a tremendous amount of weight in a short amount of time. I loved the fast results and the affirmation I received from my friends.
This was the start of my "yo-yo dieting" that began to consume my life.
I wasn't signed with a modeling or acting agent after the conference in LA, so I quickly gained the weight back, ditching the diet and eating much more than I used to.
Once I would see weight coming back on, I would skip a meal or two a day, or eat only veggies. My eating habits became a bizarre cycle of starvation, then over eating. I could go days without food, but a binge was always around the corner.

I knew my eating habits were far from normal, and I longed to eat like my friends, but guilt always set in when I strayed from my dieting. More guilt would set in when I would binge (usually on something loaded with fat or carbs- two things I would deprive myself of).

The fad diets continued, and so did the binging. Junior year, I tried it all- from green tea, to extreme diet pills, to cabbage soup and grapefruit. These all led to temporary weight loss...and disappointment.
Before I turned 17, I became obsessed with fitness and exercise. I had a traumatic semester at my high school, so my parents agreed to let me home school again. This gave me time to get in shape, though the binging would still continue.

I spent most of my birthday money on diet pills; that's when my grandma became concerned about my obsession and introduced me to the weight watchers point system. She made me promise to stop the diet pills and gave me a weight watchers food book. This book became my constant companion for months. I was actually able to keep weight off consistently, and soon I was able to see big results.
As summer came around, losing weight was my number one focus. My diet was completely fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free, and low carb. One ounce of sugar, and one gram of fat, and I would go ballistic.
This was when the laxatives came in. These harsh stimulant laxatives were my back up plan in case I slipped up and consumed too many calories (even if I had a morsel of chocolate- my worst enemy). Purging with laxatives was much easier for me than throwing up, though I had developed that habit as well.
My weight began to drop rapidly, and soon family and friends became even more concerned. My mom and I had agreed upon a specific weight for me to maintain, but I had fallen far bellow that number.

No matter how much weight I lost, I was never satisfied. "Just five more pounds" is what I would say. Over time, those five pounds became over 40, and I was still unsatisfied, miserable, and trapped in a pit. The binging and purging had consumed me. There were often times I thought I would die due to an overdose of laxatives. The pain was so excruciating as I would take five times the daily dosage, and also experiment by mixing different kinds. My mouth also began to bleed from vomiting so consistently. I absolutely hated who I had become and the lifestyle I had chosen.
I finally asked my my family members and youth leaders for help. They formed a support group for me, and are now committed to help me through my struggle and out of my pit.
I am so happy God has blessed me with an amazing family and loving friends. They have been so kind and understanding throughout this journey towards healing.
God has provided so many tools for my success. I have a new friend who has overcome anorexia, a caring counselor, a fantastic doctor, and an awesome fitness coach/ nutritionist.

Of course, my eating disorder didn't happen overnight, and neither will my recovery. (This took me a while to realize)
I still have my setbacks, but I am able to learn and grow from each of them. With the Lord's help, I can walk in victory.

My Journey

2010-01-21T11:33:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone!
This is my first ever blog, so I'm pretty excited to get started!

Welocme to my eating disorder recovery journal!
I'll be posting updates each week on my progress, things I've learned, and special moments of triumph and victory.
With the Lord's help, as well as the support of my family and friends, I know I'll be able to say "Bye Bye Bulimia," and "Hello Happiness."